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I really do not believe that singleness is a gift.
I think if God actually grants someone with that so-called “gift,” then that individual will not be bothered in the least not to be married.
However, I am 39 years old, never married, and it bothers me very much. I always wanted to be married, and I would still like to be married, so I seriously doubt that I have the “gift of singleness.”
I am so tired of hearing cliches and oft-worn phrases directed at singles such as “singleness is a gift.”
I can most assuredly tell you that no, it is not a gift. It’s a curse. It’s lonely. It’s terrible. It’s embarrassing.
Prolonged singleness is especially difficult in a culture where most people do get married, and where people, especially Christians, assume everyone over age 35 is married (or has been at least at one time).
I did not “choose” to be single, by the way. I am not a man-hating feminist. I was never obsessed with my career.
While doing a web search for the phrase “singleness is not a gift” I did find a few blog pages or comments I could relate to, a few of which I will paste in below.
Unfortunately, while doing this internet search, I did come across one of those horrid “marriage mandate” type blogs run by someone calling herself (or himself?) “Captain Sensible,” and none other than Ms. Debbie Maken (queen of “singleness is a sin”) herself posts there.
My problem with such marriage mandate people is that they blame – yes blame- people for being single.
Blaming Christian women who desire marriage for still being single is a lot like the “Word of Faith” advocates who tend to blame sick people for being sick…
You know, if you have cancer it’s your fault, because if you only had enough faith, the Word of Faith proponents declare, God would’ve healed you by now.
It’s the same principle: blame the victim, and it’s a disgusting attitude, whether we’re talking about Word of Faith advocates who blame the sick for not being healed, or the “marriage mandaters” who blame the never- married, perpetually single people for not being able to find Mr. (or Ms.) Right.
I do agree with the marriage mandaters on some points. For example, I agree with marriage mandaters that there is something wrong and distasteful with those voices in Christendom who tell singles to remain single, who say that wanting marriage is akin to idolatry, and who discourage marriage.
However, I cannot stand beside any group of people, such as the marriage mandaters, who also tell me I’m at fault for not having a husband.
In my search for the phrase “singlessness is not a gift,” I did find a few comments I agreed with such as the ones on the page Wings for the Single Person, and I will paste in some of those comments farther below.
Unfortunately, the page “Wings for the Single Person” is a book review for a book by Christine Colón called “Singled Out.”
Why do I say “unfortunately?”
Because based upon the book review, the book itself appears to be filled with arguments that try to intellectualize Christian singleness, and hence, make prolonged singleness seem more palatable, acceptable or attractive to those who are afflicted with it.
In other words, it’s one of those nauseating works that tries to convince the Christian man or woman that if you’re never married and / or are still a virgin past the age of 35 that is wonderful and peachy keen because you’re such an asset for the Kingdom of God.
It’s one of those Christian books that tries to sugar coat how horrible it is to never be married. It’s one of those works that tries to get you to see the sliver lining or bright side in being without a partner.
Here are some comments by people who read the book review, and I agree with these remarks:
by gortexgrrl:
My sentiments exactly, Joe and Marie. Platitudes and churchy blather to singles has gone beyond ridiculous. I wrote a scathing review of this book on Amazon titled “An Unchosen Single Does Not a Celibate Make”. Exhortations to the involuntarily single to be not only sexually abstinent but “celibate” are psychologically vexing. Celibate service is for those who are passionately inclined toward it (as per Matthew 19:11-12) — not a consolation prize or default for the circumstantially single.
by marie:
Posted: August 11, 2009 11:22 PM
I’m 39 and still a virgin. I don’t need any more lectures on sexual purity. I either need a husband or a rooftop and an AK-47. It’s getting ridiculous when I hear the same platitudes over and over again. Singleness is not a gift. The ability to stand celibacy is and I was in the bathroom when that gift was handed out.
by Joe Chip:
Eh, this whole obsession with “living as a Godly single” always rubs me the wrong way… there is nothing wrong with being single.
There is nothing wrong with being married. But there is everything wrong with pretending that sad, depressed and lonely Christian singles can buy books and intellectualize the pain away.
It’s a real issue and the answer may just be found in a mate. “It is not good for man to be alone.”
If I come across any more good quotes about singlessness not being a gift, I will come back and add them to this post at a later time.
ChristianPundit – I’m one of those who has written about the gift of celibacy and singleness. I think one of the main problems may be that the English language is insufficient in explaining these issues. For instance, even though the word “gift” does appear in the bible related to the nonmarried state, a better word today is probably “calling.” I think for most people today, “gift” implies something special bestowed upon somebody for something they have done, something they have earned. That is not how I’m using the word. Like you, I dated for many years. But I reached a point around my 40s where I felt called to remain as I was. It’s something I don’t completely understand. I freely chose this lifestyle though. I’m not a supernatural saint or anything. And I’m not under religious vows (Protestant). I don’t think of myself as a coldhearted unlovable recluse who doesn’t appreciate feminine beauty. I’ve been involved with the art world all my life and see beauty in just about everything I look at in nature. I’m 51 now and have never had sex of any kind. The hardest part for me is that there are so few people I relate to. Like you, I’ve read most of the books out there on celibacy. I like some of them. But a lot miss the mark completely. And as you know, there are a lot of self-proclaimed experts writing on this subject on the internet who have no idea what they’re talking about. I certainly do not blame you for being single past a certain age. You can imagine what I’ve heard during my lifetime. I put a lot of the blame on the sex-worshipping society we live in today, lack of character building in schools, churches for not talking about these issues, and a culture that has reached the point where “purity balls” do not include young men too. I can relate to loneliness, cliches, embarrassment, marriage mandaters, etc. Don’t give up hope. I certainly understand what you’re saying and I know words can’t describe it. johnhughmorgan3
By: johnhughmorgan3 on January 5, 2013
at 4:08 am
Reply by Christian Pundit:
I don’t consider singleness a gift, no.
There is an unmarried woman who goes around various blogs and sites about this issue, I see her pop up on them all the time (she has not been to mine yet), and I can’t reconstruct her arguments, because I don’t remember how her arguments go specifically, but she takes very strong exception to the phrase GOS (“gift of singleness”).
One of the reasons she does so is that she argues (based on books by various authors that discuss the topic) is that many Bible versions have not accurately translated from the koine Greek on this topic.
I don’t remember how she says the experts feel that verse should be translated, but they are not in favor of the “it’s a gift” translation. Her argument was pretty convincing.
If you wanted marriage, but never got married, you’re not going to regard singleness as a gift – a lot of people use the term “GOS” to mean you are going to be content with it and love it, if you have not married by age X.
I see what you mean about the terminology, but I can’t even say I feel as though I was “called” to singleness, any more than I see it as being a gift.
I have come across some Christian males on the internet who are over the age of 40, a few into their 50s, who have not had sex. So it is kind of rare, but not totally unheard of.
I think both genders get stigmatized for never having married / had sex (by secular and Christian culture), but males usually also have to deal with accusations or suspicions of being homosexual (which some have said they found very insulting or painful), where-as females don’t come up against this as much (but we females do get hit with our own stereotypes).
I think finding someone compatible to marry is tremendously difficult, a lot more difficult than most people admit. A lot of Christians act like it’s very easy to get married.
I sometimes wonder if the people who marry 2, 3, or more times do so because they either
(1) have no standards at all, or
(2) they don’t take marriage seriously and consider divorce an instant option.
I guess if you adhere to either or both points 1 and 2, maybe getting a spouse is fairly easy.
I’ve read only a small number of Christian books about singleness and celibacy (but a lot of blogs about it, or about marriage), and what I find frustrating is that even in the material that claims to be in support of older Christian singles, is that they sort of shame you for wanting marriage, even authors who are in the same boat as you are.
I read one book by two Christian women. The two authors are only a bit older than me, they never married, and they seem to have just accepted that they will never marry.
They have come to terms with being single for life – which is fine for them, but I don’t know if I’m totally there yet myself.
Their book starts out very well, explaining how the church neglects or abuses older singles, and in parts, their book defends singles and celibacy, but by the middle or end of the book, these lady authors shake their index finger in your face, so to speak, if you are over 40 and still desiring marriage.
They sort of condescendingly scold you and keep saying to remember that eternity is more important than being happy or is more important than the “here and now.”
Apparently, wanting any sort of earthly pleasure or happiness is so very wrong of selfish. We’re supposed to be consumed at all times with Jesus and with serving.
The older I get, this sort of stuff (that ‘serve others, your happiness does not matter, wanting to get your needs met is so selfish’ views) is falling on deaf ears.
Until my late 30s, I was what is called codependent: I was raised to believe by one of my parents (a Christian) that not only are other people’s needs and feelings more important than mine, but that mine don’t matter at all.
I was taught by my Christian parent, and in sermons by other Christians, and in magazine articles, that good Christian girls must always serve other people; my needs and happiness don’t matter; only Jesus and serving others matters.
So I sincerely lived those beliefs out, and they made me miserable – totally, completely miserable.
In the past couple of years, I’ve come to realize it’s okay and not selfish for me to care about me and to go after what I want, and yes, it’s okay for me to want to be happy in this life. It’s okay for me to put me first every so often.
So when I see book authors or pastors on TV tell me things like, “God doesn’t care about your happiness,” or “you should go to church to serve not be served,” I really bristle at these views and get angry.
I was just really surprised that in a book that started out so sympathetic to never married, Christian adults, that the authors (themselves never married Christians over 35 years old) would lecture or shame any older single who still wants marriage.
I already have 50 – 60 year old married pastors on TV and in blogs shame me for wanting marriage, telling me I’m idolizing marriage for wanting to be married, etc., the last thing I need are fellow unmarried Christians lecturing me on this too, but some of them do it.
The church also worships sex, sad to say, it’s not just secular culture.
I wrote about this in a blog page or two, but on the one hand, a lot of conservative Christianity says they believe in virginity until marriage for everyone, but I noticed if you are still single past age 25 or 30, most of these conservative Christians assume you are having sex outside of marriage.
Further, I frequently hear them encourage their readers or listeners not to be upset, because God will forgive you of your sexual sin.
The expectation by most Christians is that if you are single over 25 / 30, you are having sex.
I find this a very frustrating, insulting assumption / expectation.
So, here I am 40ish, not having sex (never had sex) – and I hear nada, nothing for people in my age range.
Most Christians act like there is no such creature as a never-married, over- age- 30 virgin Christian. We are more rare or unheard of than unicorns.
Some churches offer never-ending sermon series or gimmicks about ‘great sex in marriage and how to have it.’
One cannot even escape the topic in church or on Christian blogs, book aisles, or in Christian magazines.
There is no concept among 99% of Christians today of self-control. They all act like it’s impossible for a person to control his/her sexual urges. (I am not saying it’s a breeze, but it’s not an impossibility, either.)
If look up information about pastor Mark Driscoll – I think he’s in Seattle, and his church is called “Mars Hill” – the man is obsessed with the topic of sex.
Driscoll even wrote a blog page or book where he talked about marriage and sex, and (unless I’m confusing him with another pastor), he admonished wives that if they are sick or having their period (and hence not feeling well – most women feel very cruddy at that time of the month), their husband should still not go without sex, not even for five days in a row!
So, he says, the wife needs to find some alternate way of pleasing the husband in the bedroom.
That this dolt cannot even comprehend of going for more than 5 days without sex, and here I am in my 40s, with no sex for decades, is amazing to me. He is so incredibly immature and selfish.
But I see a lot of his attitude among Christian culture in general.
You really can go for a lot longer than five days (or 20, 30+ years) without any sex at all, it can be done. There are people who have accomplished it, and some of us still have sex drives (we are not devoid of sexual desire). Most in the church seem very ignorant of these points.
I haven’t come to a final decision for myself personally.
I’ve made it this long without sex/marriage, that to a point, I’ve become used to it, so maybe I won’t bother chasing after either.
On the other hand, I’m fed up with conservative Christian culture/ teaching on these issues, and whenever I get my personal life in order, I am considering dating Non-Christians and not limiting myself to dating only Christians.
I know what the Bible says about ‘be not yoked,’ but I am so past caring about that teaching. All the years of trusting God and His timing and praying for a believing spouse got me no where.
Some Christian men are just as rude or abusive as their Non-Christian counterparts, so as far as dating and marriage, I’m not seeing the advantage of sticking to Christian men. Christian single guys in my age range are extremely hard to find.
I do appreciate the words of encouragement.
I guess I’ve become jaded or cynical – all the stuff I was taught by my Christian parents and heard from pulpits and read in the Bible did not work for me.
I am not seeing biblical principles working for me, and if they don’t work, I don’t see the point in following them any longer.
By: christianpundit on January 6, 2013
at 12:35 am
You can blame the feminists and their war on the male gender for your lack of marital bliss. The last I heard of a poll being taken {which was a few years ago so the numbers may be higher now} 22% of men polled were actively avoiding marriage and had absolutely no intention of marrying in the future. Nor were these men losers as they had good paying jobs and owned their own homes.
Thanks to the way men are treated in divorce and the average females penchant to divorce at the drop of a hat. The state of Marriage and fatherhood for men is best avoided at all costs. My own mother has been married 9 times, yep that’s right nine times, and she is still a member in good standing at the Baptist church she attends.
As for myself having been married for twenty-eight years and counting. I can speak from personal experience that staying married to an individual who demands to be catered too is the hardest thing that a man will ever be called upon to do. Which is why I no longer recommend marriage as a viable solution to one’s loneliness.
Indeed loneliness is, after all, a state of mind so change it.
By: Dabir Dalton on August 29, 2010
at 10:23 am
I’m not sure I want to “blame” anyone for my singleness, feminists or whomever.
(If I were to pin responsibility for my singleness on anyone, it would most likely be upon God for not providing me with a spouse. The Scriptures say that God can do all things, regardless of what feminists have done to our culture.)
I’m just stating I would like to be married but never have been.
I do not care for authors or blogs who play out the gender wars: I see Christian females who are quite bitter against males, which I do not like.
On various blogs around the internet, I see equally angry and embittered males (especially divorced ones whose prior, negative relationship issues soured them towards all Christian women) who blame females.
I don’t think either gender is “to blame” for relationship problems, prolonged singleness, and so on.
Neither gender is perfect, and both sides have their flaws and problems as well as their strengths and good points.
I was in a long term relationship that was not always wonderful, so I am already well aware that a relationship is not a cake walk or a bed of roses.
I don’t need married people telling me that relationships are not nirvana or guarantees of happiness, as those kinds of comments comes across as condescending. You’re telling me something I already know.
You said, “Indeed loneliness is, after all, a state of mind so change it.”
I don’t mean to sound rude, but that’s easy for you to say, since you do indeed have someone.
(And I’ve tried all the usual Christian cliches to ease the loneliness, such as getting my mind off myself by volunteering at soup kitchens for the homeless and so forth, and it did not help, cheer me up, or take my mind off my situation, nor did it ease the loneliness or make me feel fulfilled.)
And it’s funny you would mention your own mother has been married nine times. I have not been married even ONE time.
By: christianpundit on August 31, 2010
at 7:17 pm