Same Old Tired Advice to Christian Singles


Alpha Females (book by Suzanne Venker) Part 1 – Nothing New Under the Sun. Conservative Women Keep Issuing Same Sexist, Unhelpful Dating And Marital Advice to Women

I left a comment on a blog page (What’s a [Christian] Single Girl To Do?) about singles, whose author was trying to give advice to Christian singles. I don’t know if my comment will be published there or not so here is a copy. (click on the “more” link to read the rest of the post)

This is a copy of my reply on a blog page, “What’s a Single Girl to Do”

I’m a never-married Christian female, over 40, and while this editorial started out well enough, it’s filled with the usual unhelpful, vaguely insulting, or hurtful tripe we singles get subjected to on a regular basis by Christians who, I assume, sincerely feel they are being helpful. However, basically in this editorial, we are being given the old, worn out adage, “don’t look for ‘The One,’ be ‘The One’.”

We are also essentially being treated to the same adage one often sees in these articles about Christian singles who are desiring marriage, ones about ‘putting Jesus first,’ and other performance- based and religious- sounding attitudes.

Sorry, but being a good Christian girl over the years, living a pure life, praying and trusting God for a spouse, trying to “be the one and not look for the one,” and seeking God first in life and serving Him, etc etc and all the usual advice and admonishments one hears from preachers and Christian bloggers, did not garner me a spouse.

Further, that assumption in and of itself is not entirely biblical or compassionate – for the most part in the Bible, God does not place parameters on His grace, that if only you shape yourself up, work hard enough (or pray hard enough) or meet some other criteria, then and only then will He bestow a gift to you (such as marriage).

The author seems to be hinting that if we are not “submitted enough” to Jesus or to the Father now, the Father will not grant us or bless us with a spouse. I’m sorry, but no, that is not so. The Bible does not teach that.

Also, if perfection, if total complete, continual service to God, and complete piety were conditions for getting a spouse from God, not a single Christian would be married. Absolutely nobody would qualify for a spouse according to those guidelines or to the criteria the author of this page lays out.

We’ve all seen selfish, abusive, mean, immature, socially awkward, carnal, or lukewarm Christians manage to wrangle a spouse and get marriage at some point in their life, so quite obviously, being permitted a spouse by God does not hinge upon

1. our attitudes or religious performance; or

2. if we “have baggage”;

3. or if we have unforgivness in our hearts; or

4. if we have past sins for which we have not repented; etc.

God simply does not lay any of that stuff down as required parameters for gaining marriage.

Anyone who has accepted Jesus Christ is already justified, is already holy, because Christ makes her holy; therefore, she (the Christian single woman) does not have to “clean house,” as this article is saying.

That is again a works-based mentality, assuming that she, the Christian single, is at fault in some way for still being single, and if only she performs good enough or cleans herself up, God will then permit a mate to enter her life. (Romans 8:1: “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.”)

Since God did not require me to “clean myself up” before coming to Christ and receiving his gift of forgivness of sin and reconciliation, why oh why do these authors of articles for Christian singles assume God plays the ol’ switch-er-oo and demands the unmarried Christian to jump through hoops to earn a gift (a spouse)?

Editorials like this one are “blaming the victim.” Articles like this one are making the assumption that every Christian who has not married has failed in some way (morally or otherwise), when such may not be the case.

The Bible warns against Christians making these kinds of “blame the victim” type judgements, such as the entire book of Job in the Old Testament and the words of Jesus in Luke 13: 1 – 5 and John 9: 1 – 3.

A far better help to Christian singles who are upset at still being single is to say things to them such as, “I don’t know why God has not sent you a spouse. I know it must be frustrating, or that it hurts at times. I pray that that God will send you someone soon.”

And leave it at that.

Do not imply or try to tell the single you know with absolute certainty why he or she is still single – because you do not know.

Any reasons you give for their singleness (such as, “you must have resentment or unforgivness in your heart, or you have issues and need to see a therapist to get over your baggage before God will send you a mate”) are just condemning and judgmental and totally unhelpful, and I don’t find them completely biblical.


(Link): Alpha Females (book by Suzanne Venker) Part 1 – Nothing New Under the Sun. Conservative Women Keep Issuing Same Sexist, Unhelpful Dating And Marital Advice to Women

(Link):  Alpha Females Part 2 – Defining the Terms – How Anti-Feminists and Complementarians Misrepresent Concepts or Terms

(Link):  Alpha Females Part 3 – Being a Beta Female Does Not Work, It Won’t Get You Dates Or Keep Your Marriage in Good Shape

(Link): A Response to Venker: Re: Personal Experience

(Link): Alpha Females Part 4 – From Psychiatrists and Counselors: How and Why Being a Beta Female is Harmful and Damaging to Women

Link):  The Selfish, Lazy Husband Who Kept Blowing Off His Stressed Wife to Go on World War 2 Reenactments – Male Entitlement in Relationships: Why Women Divorce Men – and Churches and Culture Support This Male Entitlement

(Link): Young Single Women Try to Appear Less Ambitious To Attract A Mate – via WSJ

(Link):  Why Don’t Some Men Realize A Relationship Is Over Until It’s Too Late? by N. Reilly

(Link): Gender Complementarianism – A General Response – from a Former Gender Complementarian Who Is Still A Conservative

(Link):  Continue Being a Butthole Wife: Death is Not a Justification for Husbands To Be Entitled, Selfish, or Abusive Buttholes

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