I’ve noticed that in a lot of dating advice for Christian singles, we basically get blamed a lot for our singleness.
There are so many negative, insulting assumptions made about unmarried Christians in the process.
If you’re an unmarried Christian woman who desires marriage (assuming you don’t get the condescending, idiotic commentary that desiring marriage is tantamount to “idolizing” marriage which we sometimes do get from some Christian quarters), you will get all sorts of other derogatory remarks.
Being Attractive, Thin, or Wealthy Does Not Mean You Are Guaranteed To Get Dates or a Spouse
Many Christian blogs and books for singles (even for ones as young as 15, but even for adults past 30), whether written by males or females, assume if you’re a single woman who’s not married yet, it’s because you’re ugly or a “fatty” – or both.
You will be told you need to lose weight, wear make-up, and grow your hair out long if you want to get dates, and later, a spouse.
The “Just Grow Your Hair Long!” Cliche’
Supposedly, all men every where love, love, love and adore long hair, as in super long, past- the- shoulders- hair, a la Cher from the 1970s.
Such hair is impractical and a pain in the ass to care for.
(I’ve also seen Non-Christian single women complain about the “grow your hair long if you want to catch a man” advice from secular advice givers, so it’s not just Christian women who get this one.)
The world’s greatest sex symbol, who still tops lists and polls for “most sexy,” or “most beautiful,” even more than 40 years after her death, frequently wore her hair very short, even boyish at times – I am referring to American movie actress Marilyn Monroe.
Marilyn usually wore her hair short, or super short, and only wore it long for one movie role (in “River of No Return”), and maybe three, if you count two of her earliest films where she had bit parts.
Marilyn was married three times, twice when her hair was very short.
So obviously, men are not put off by short hair, and advice-givers can drop that supposed requirement from the list of traits a woman must have if she wants marriage.
Christian Authors, Bloggers Rudely Assume: ‘If You Are Still Single, You Must Be Fat or Ugly or Weird’
One of the things I find offensive is that these blog writers and book writers, even the Christian ones, are assuming you are ugly or fat, even though they have no clue what you look like.
They seem to miss the point that you can be a completely attractive and thin person and still have a hard time meeting a mate.
This brings me to my next point… or two. (Please click the “read more” link below to read the rest of the post)
Why No Scrutiny or Suspicion For Christians Who Have Multiple Divorces?
First of all, while older unmarried people, including Christians, are suspected of having “baggage,” or some flaw which prevents them from being marriage material, I have to wonder about people who get mates far too easily.
There are Christians, even famous ones such as author Hal Lindsey, who have been divorced three or four times.
ersonally, I find it suspect and odd that a person would go through more than two marriages.
I’m sorry if this offends, hurts, or angers anyone reading this who has been divorced more than twice, but I honestly don’t understand it, and I don’t understand why multiple divorcees get no push back or flack for it from Christians, but we Christian unmarrieds do for being unmarried or never-married.
I can see failing at marriage #1, since it’s your first, and you’re new at the whole matrimony thing.
Or maybe you married your first husband (wife) young, when you were both 20-something, and now that you’re 40-something, you’re different now, and he (she) no longer suits you, or you grew apart. So I totally get flunking the first marriage.
When you get up to divorcing a third or fourth time, I don’t get it.
If you can’t keep a marriage together past the first or second time, maybe you have issues, or are not cut out for marriage, and you need to stay single. But nobody, not even Christians, bring this up.
On Christian Divorcees Getting Remarried
(As a matter of fact, as the Christian authors of the book “Singled Out” mention, many self-help books for divorced Christians assume that divorced Christians want to get re-married again, or they encourage divorced Christians to get re-married again right away; such books, the authors noted, imply there is something “wrong” with you if you are divorced and not re-married yet – you must be flawed if you can’t get married again.)
Hardly any Christian ever criticizes the amount of divorces people undergo.
Yes, people bemoan the fact that divorces have increased in decades past, but in a general sense.
Rarely do I hear people, including Christians, question if the “serial divorcee” has hang ups, personality problems, or “too much baggage.” Oh no, that’s only tossed at people over the age of 35 who’ve never married.
Don’t you think more scrutiny needs to be paid to people, particularly Christians, who have failed at marriage more than twice?
Or shouldn’t we more closely investigate the divorced Christians who are too eager to keep re-marrying, even if their first marriage or two fell apart over no fault of their own (but due to their spouse being abusive, a jerk, the spouse died, or whatever?)
One reason of several I remain single is because I’ve always taken marriage pretty serious. I look around and see a lot of people who have little to no standards in who they marry, and they view divorce as a great option.
I don’t understand why Christians past the age of 30 who’ve never married get subjected to more rumor, innuendo, nasty assumptions, etc., than Christians who marry several times over.
I suspect that the Christian or Non Christian person who’s divorced more than once or twice may have issues and baggage, not the Christian who remains unmarried past 40 years of age who long ago realized marriage is a huge commitment, and that you don’t marry because of societal pressure, or because you get lonely at times, or because you think having a big, fancy wedding would be lots of fun or a fantasy fairy tale come true.
Several years ago, pop singer Britney Spears (and I’ve no idea if she is a Christian or not), married some guy in a quickie marriage service, in Las Vegas, I think. And then I believe she divorced him about two days later.
Strangely, most Christians would still no doubt think me (never-married in my early 40s) more the “odd ball” or failure for remaining unmarried this long, more so than they would a 29- year- old pop singer who married a guy on a lark in a cheesy Vegas wedding, only to divorce him two days later.
There Is No Sure-Fire Formula For Getting A Spouse
As for my second point:
If you’re a Christian who’s not married past the age of 30, most Christians make insulting assumptions about you – that you’re too fat, ugly, or have some weird habits that are keeping you from scoring a spouse.
I do acknowledge that some Christian people remain single because they are unattractive, slovenly, socially awkward, or plain weird. That does happen.
But there are a lot of normal, attractive Christian people who are not getting married, even though they want to be married.
To most daters, looks do matter to a degree. I don’t deny that, and I don’t think there’s anything wrong with someone wanting to date or marry someone they consider at least somewhat attractive.
What I’m tired of is this idea put forward by Christian (and Non Christian) authors and bloggers that if only you would do “X,” “Y,” and “Z,” you would be sure to land a spouse (and “X,” “Y,” and “Z” usually revolve around your physical appearance – if you are a female).
If you were just pretty enough, successful enough, had long enough hair, thin enough, the thinking goes, you would get a spouse. They make it sound like there is this sure-fire formula, and if you follow it, you are guaranteed to get married.
Christians Usually Give The Same Dating and Marriage Advice as Non-Christians – Which May Be a Red Flag
First off, it’s strange Christians would give that sort of advice (“lose weight, be more out going, grow your hair long,” etc), because it’s identical to the sort of advice secular columnists give unmarried readers.
Shouldn’t Christians be a little different from the world?
If the romantic and relationship advice Christian commentators issue is pretty much indistinguishable from that of Non-Christians, there may be a problem there (or maybe not – but it’s something to ponder).
A main point I wanted to bring out is that contrary to the conventional thinking, being pretty, thin, rich, extroverted, and well-adjusted are not guarantees one will get a date or a spouse. Those traits certainly don’t hurt, but they are not a guarantee of relationship success, either.
Look at all the movie stars, rock stars, and athletes who either have a hard time getting dates or spouses, or keeping a marriage together if they are married.
Beautiful and Rich Celebrities Who Can’t Get Married or Stay Married
Tiger Woods is a famous and wealthy golf player who was married to a gorgeous blonde model wife, but he cheated on her with numerous women, some of whom were (in my view) rather homely-looking. His money and fame didn’t bring him relationship success, and although his wife was stunningly beautiful and thin, that didn’t keep him from cheating on her.
Actor and politician Arnold Schwarzenegger, who was married to the attractive Maria Shriver, had an affair with their maid or cook (or whatever her role was), who, (I’m sorry if this sounds mean, but in all honesty) looked like an absolute troll doll.
Shriver was a hundred times better looking than their very homely looking maid. Her beauty didn’t keep Schwarzenegger from straying.
Movie star Liz Taylor was considered by a fair number of people of being a very beautiful woman – but she was divorced seven or eight times!
Pop singer Cher has always been a lovely woman, but she went through a lot of boyfriends and sometimes went months between boyfriends or dates.
I’m sorry I did not save every example I’ve ever seen, but since my twenties, I have read interviews with very attractive movie stars and attractive rock stars, males and females, who are in their teens, 20s, 30s, or older, who say they cannot get dates!
These are good-looking people by most people’s standards. And of course, most of them are wealthy.
I’ve seen so many models, rock singers, and actors say they have a hard time meeting the right match. They want a boyfriend or girlfriend but can’t get one.
“Ain’t Nobody Got Time For Dat!”
Some of these stars say their entertainment careers don’t leave them with enough time to date around or to maintain a relationship, which is why they stay single.
A 40-something Christian woman who has never married told Julia Duin in the book “Quitting Church” that one reason she can’t get married, though she would like to be, is that she does not have the time to find a spouse.
She said she barely has the time to keep up with a social life with her female friends, let alone keep trying to look around for a spouse.
A lot of Christian advice columnists, or the Christian idiots who write books about dating and marriage, don’t factor the time crunch in.
They never seem to acknowledge that people today don’t have the time to devote to joining every dating site, or going on countless dates to find “the one.”
No, this point is hardly ever addressed – instead, it’s simply assumed you remain single because you are fat, ugly, weird, a loser, or are not active enough in a local church, or your singleness is due to some other consideration that is all your fault.
I find it interesting that even though world-famous celebrities – these people who are wealthy and who most of us consider physically flawless, with perfect bodies and perfect faces – cannot get dates, sweeties, or spouses, that Christian authors who give advice to the love lorn continue to suggest in their books and blogs that if only we unmarried Christians would look pretty enough, we could surely get dates or a spouse.
If being good-looking and wealthy isn’t enough to get some movie stars and rock stars dates and spouses, (and it’s not), why on earth do these Christian commentators who write blogs or books for unmarried Christians assume being attractive or having lots of money is going to work for Average Jane or John Doe Christian?
I sort of know one actor who is on a weekly television series (I only know the guy a little; we are not close, personal buddies) who many women find very attractive. Women from age 15 on up message him constantly. (He’s not my type physically; I like him for his personality. But a lot of women think he’s the sexiest thing to ever live.)
He was married once (but divorced years ago), and while he has had a girlfriend or two over the years, he remains single.
Based on some messages he’s posted on the internet a time or two, I don’t think he’s completely happy with being single. He seems to either want to get remarried or at least have a stable, long-lasting relationship – but he’s having problems meeting the right person.
Here you have a guy with a decent income, on a TV show each week, sometimes gets roles in movies, tons of women message him all the time, meet him at fan conventions and drool all over him and constantly tell him he’s good looking- and he can’t meet the right lady!
According to most Christian romance advice givers, this actor should have a harem with 50 wives by now, because he’s successful, many consider him good looking, he’s well-adjusted, is in some ways very extroverted… yet even he cannot get married.
If this good looking, funny, friendly, nice guy cannot find ‘The One’ (for a second time), then how is some unmarried Christian woman growing her hair long or losing 20 pounds (if she even needs to), and taking all the other advice, going to get her a spouse?
Here’s an interview with 18 year old movie actress Dakota Fanning who says she’s not even dating:
(Link:) Dakota Fanning: ‘I Don’t Really Date‘
Dakota Fanning may be entwined in “The Twilight Saga” franchise, but she has nothing to do with any of the romantic drama that surrounds many of its other stars off-camera. In fact, she doesn’t even date.
“I don’t really date,” the 18-year-old says in the March issue of Glamour.
Wait, what?! What kind of teenager isn’t interested in dating?
“I have a weird vision of relationships because my parents have known each other since second grade, and they got married right out of college,” she explains. “I’ve always thought that’s what it’s supposed to be like, and if it’s not, then I don’t want to waste my time on it. Even when I was 14, I was like, ‘I’m not gonna marry this person. What’s the point of doing it?’ It’s not me being naive. I just know what it’s supposed to be like. And I think until I feel that, I cannot be bothered.”