Christian ‘Married People’ Privilege – Most Marrieds Remain Amazingly Blinded to Christian Discrimination Against Singles Or Write Unmarrieds’ Concerns Off, As Though They Are Nothing Compared to Marriage/ Parenting.
Marrieds and Parents also turn every thing into them, about them, about marriage and their needs/ problems
I sometimes hear left wing people talk about “white privilege” or “male privilege,” and how it blinds white people or males to the true struggles that people of color or females face in American culture.
I’m not left wing myself, but I do kind of see what they’re saying, to a point.
I think there is something similar at work in marriage vs singleness, which I will call “Marriage Privilege.”
Married people, including Christian couples, don’t often notice the discrimination churches and Christian organizations dish out against Christian unmarried people. If they do happen to notice, they don’t care and take no action to rectify it.
I am going to change some details in the following story so as not to expose exactly who was involved and where, but you should get the idea of what went down.
I was at a discussion board where the moderator began a thread discussing how dismally and terribly churches treat unmarried Christians.
The moderator asked for singles to share their woes and tales.
Lo and behold if not even a third of the way or so into the thread when a MARRIED MAN who HAS A KID jumped in to complain how tough marriage and parenting is, and how his single friends just don’t get it.
I shall call him “Oblivious Doofus Guy.”
ODG (Oblivious Doofus Guy) mentioned he totally understands how tough un-married Christians have things, because he did not marry until he was 34 years old.
Even though much of American church culture is aimed at married people and parents, this married guy still shows up to complain about married life and parenting – in a thread for un-married people to discuss their situations.
Leave it to a married person (and parent to boot) to commandeer a thread FOR SINGLES to bitch and moan about how hard married life and parenting is.
Then, on top of that, to complain that his single buddies just don’t get it, and how the single pals don’t want to hang out with him at 7 A.M. when he takes his kid to soccer practice.
(Please click the “read more” link to read the rest of the post)
This married guy, ODG, kept making it sound like single life is a bed of roses: single adults face no “real” problems in life, certainly nothing that compares to the crucible that is PARENTING, and the single pals don’t want to make any concessions at all to their married pals.
I noticed that at no time did ODG mention a willingness to make concessions to his single with no kids pals. He was expecting every thing to be one way, the singles were expected to accommodate his schedule.
When several different un-married women (ranging in age from 30 to 55) in the thread tried to correct his horribly mis-informed, prejudiced view of older singleness, and its own particular challenges (i.e., how older singles have to care for aging parents ALL ALONE, one lady said she had to work three jobs with one job being over an hour’s drive away, etc)…
ODG (the married guy) would keep saying that those singles were “choosing” these situations.
He seemed to imply that Christian un-marrieds are deliberately picking and choosing their every life situation and all responsibilities.
ODG made it sound like being the parent of a six year old child is the one and only true great challenge and burden any one could ever face in life.
Any life obstacles the older singles mentioned to him that they face were simply brushed aside by him as though they were nothing, and as though they were things we could change or prevent, if only we made different life choices.
It’s rare I use crass language, but really: this married- with- a- kid- guy was a complete obtuse asshole with a huge ‘married and parenthood’ martyr complex.
I myself tried explaining to ODG that I did not deliberately choose to remain un-married. I had expected to be married by age 35. I tried singles classes, dating sites, nothing worked for me.
ODG also kept acting as though all un-married people have lots of free time, and life is a breeze for unmarrieds.
I had to correct him on all that, but one thing I could not get this idiot to understand is that being never-married until you are age 34 is not the same thing as being never-married in your early 40s or later.
There is not as much stigma from secular or Christian culture for being never married in your early 30s, but stigma increases the older one gets. Being never-married at 40 is not the same thing as being not- married until age 33 or 34.
— GROUCHY, INFERTILE CHILDLESS MARRIED PEOPLE ALSO BASH UNMARRIED CHRISTIANS and without provocation!—
There was also a crabby infertile woman who jumped in to bitch that “Hey, I’m infertile, but I still go to church. You don’t see me complaining about Mother’s Day services, demanding that every single church cater to ME.”
None of the singles in the discussion were demanding that all churches every where cater every thing to singles.
(None of the unmarried people in the thread had insulted or put down infertile people, either. Nobody even mentioned infertility in the thread as a matter of fact, until this grouchy infertile lady brought it up.)
I have discussed this before on this blog, but I’ve always had a hard time being understanding towards infertile women.
Your entire identity and feelings of self-worth should not hinge upon if you have a kid or not. (Mine don’t in regards to marital status.)
My biggest problem with a lot of infertile Christian woman (and I’ve lurked at many of their blogs and forums), is that they spend a lot of time venting and crying over not being able to have a kid – but they totally take their husbands for granted.
I’d be satisfied with just getting a spouse, never mind having a kid.
It’s just amazing to me that even in a space that was intended for unmarried people to share their experiences and stories of discrimination by the church, that some infertile married people and ‘married with a kid’ people felt okay to jump in and start bad-mouthing the pains, struggles, and concerns of never-married or divorced people.
A lot of Christian married people wear blinders. They are very ignorant about what it’s like to be single, or never married, in your 40s or beyond.
Most churches only express concern for married people who have children, and I see the same bias on the internet from married Christians. Every thing has to be about THEM and MARRIAGE and PARENTING, or with the married infertiles, it has to be about not having a baybee.
Related posts, this blog:
(Link): So, Which Is Harder, Marriage or Singleness? (via Relevant magazine)