The ol’ Christian myth that married couples are impervious to sexual sin but singles have lots of sexual sin
I am hence forward going to occasionally copy certain stories to this blog: at times I see news stories or advice columns where a married person is arrested for crime, a woman writes for advice because her spouse is addicted to porn, is a drunkard, or is abusing her – bonus points if the people in these stories are self professing Christians – I may be including it on my blog.
I currently already have a few examples already (see this page)
One regularly sees married Christians discriminate against unmarried Christians. For example, most churches, which are run by married people, do not permit unmarried Christians to hold positions of importance, significance, or leadership precisely because of their singlehood.
One will regularly see Christian authors advise Christian unmarrieds that in order to get a spouse, they must achieve perfection and sinlessness in this lifetime.
Marriage is held out by some Christians to be a reward for Christians who have all their sh*t together. Never mind the Bible is clear that nobody has their sh*t together all the time in this lifetime. And never mind that I constantly see people way more messed up than me getting married all the time.
There is a stereotype held by most married people, including Christians, that unmarried people, even the ones over the age of 30, are immature, irresponsible, weird, or horny horn dogs who are more sexually active than a five dollar crack whore.
Further assumptions by Christians and Non Christians is that one must resemble Brad Pitt or Cindy Crawford if one wants a spouse, yet I frequently see obese males and females, ugly people, or baldlng guys get spouses.
I see beautiful models, actors, and rock singers who can’t find a date or stay married.
The divorce rate in the USA is high for both Non Christians and Christians. So even though some of these people are tying the knot, they are not staying married. If the stereotype is that one must be perfect before meriting a spouse from God, shouldn’t these perfect people be able to stay married? How can perfect people divorce?
Then, there is the gross misperception that being married makes one completely immune from falling into sexual sin.
Here is an excerpt from a page about the impact of pornography on marriages:
- According to the Web site Divorcewizards.com, huge numbers of divorce lawyers report that pornography is a big issue in divorce these days, which it never was before the advent of the Internet.
There is a Bible verse that alludes to “get married if you are a horn dog” because it’s “better to marry than burn.”
However, being married does not prevent sexual sin.
Plenty of married people commit sexual sin – by viewing pornography; using prostitutes; fantasizing, during sex with their spouse, that their spouse is their favorite movie actor; married men look in lust at other women all the time; and on and on.
At the same time, many preachers, when they bother to address singlehood, tend to narrow their commentary to SEX.
I’m sure, Mr. Pastor, that you do have a lot of randy 16 year old teen males who frequently confess to you that they’re horn dogs, asking is masturbation a sin, or who confess to looking at “Penthouse.”
But you know, there are still about (my figure may be wrong, but I think it’s around) one third of adult Christians who have not had sex yet, and some are over the age of 30. Some unmarrieds may engage in fornication or struggle with the temptation, but not all.
I was at another blog a few days ago, where a Christian guy was discussing why he almost gave up on the Christian faith.
He got divorced. I think he was in his 30s or 40s when he got divorced. After his divorce, he sank into a deep depression. He confided in his deacons at his church about how depressed he was.
He got a phone call late one night from one of these deacon guys who said, “You must be struggling with pornography. TELL ME THE TRUTH ARE YOU LOOKING AT PORN?”
The guy said, “No.” (And he was not). The deacon guy responded, “You can tell me the truth. I bet you are looking at porn! It’s a temptation for a lot of guys!”
I read this guy’s testimony and was dumbfounded.
It is just assumed that because he is divorced now that he’s looking at porn? A lot of married Christian men are addicted to porn. (Some married Christian women have also admitted to having online porn or dirty movie addictions.)
Based on studies I have read, lots of people in marriages or dating relationships get involved in porn because they find sexual release over porn easier or more rewarding than with their partner ((Link): here is one page that discusses it).
The same studies and other studies say that porn usage changes the brain’s chemicals, so that the person craves more porn.
These studies say it gets to the the point where boyfriends and husbands PREFER air brushed, fake women in dirty sites and magazines to their flesh and blood partners.
It’s very insulting, ignorant, and unhelpful for Christians to continue to assume and uphold this stereotype that sexual sin is the snare or province of unmarried people only, when it appears to be a larger problem among the married.
It’s doubly insulting to older celibates, because such emphasis assumes that NOBODY past the age of 30 is a virgin these days, when some are; and, such teachings and emphasis further sanction the false idea that humans cannot control their sexual desires (they can).
By the way, having children does not necessarily lead to happiness and fulfillment. I’ve seen confessions on “mommy sites” by mothers of all ages that they consider their children (from ages 3 to 50) to be disappointments and failures, and they wish they had never had them.
Here is the latest example I’ve come across of married people engaging in sin (particularly sexual sin), and notice this woman has children, too:
I don’t know if the married woman seeking advice in the above links is Christian or not, but I don’t think it matters.
Copy of the letter:
- Q: I recently discovered that my husband is on several online dating sites.
When I confronted him, he said he was sorry and claimed he wasn’t necessarily trying to “hook up” with anyone. But his profiles on the sites state that he was trying to connect with people for those reasons. I have not found any real proof that he hooked up with anyone else, but he is such a liar I don’t know what to believe! If we didn’t have children, I would have already filed for divorce.
There are other issues, too — the biggest one being that his mother controls way too much of his life (both of them have said that I have no say in the matter). This online dating problem is just the newest issue and seems like the one that is breaking the camel’s back in this so-called marriage.
Here is the first part of the doctor’s reply:
- Dr. Pepper Schwartz: Pardon me, but just because you have kids doesn’t mean you can’t leave. Women have definitely done it. If he has a job, he will have to help support you and them. If he doesn’t earn money and can’t help financially, then take this time to get a full- or part-time job and grow that career you’ve always wanted so you can eventually support yourself and the kids. Start planning for an independent life, because it sure doesn’t sound like this one makes you happy.
Kudos to that doctor for advising DIVORCE as a possible solution (or leaving the idiot). Women should NOT stay in marriages where there is emotional, physical, verbal, or sexual abuse; where the man is not meeting their emotional or financial needs; or where the guy is addicted to porn, drugs, or alcohol, or where there is no love and happiness. It’s better to leave a spouse than be trapped in a lousy marriage.
Unfortunately, most Christians are so vehemently anti-Divorce that they advise women to stay with abusers or men who are addicts.
But anyway, some of the main take aways from this post:
> MARRIED PEOPLE ARE NOT PERFECT
> MARRIED PEOPLE ARE SEXUAL SINNERS WHO ENGAGE IN SEXUAL SIN
> SOME MARRIED PEOPLE ARE IMMATURE, SELFISH, ETC., AND SHOULD NOT BE IN POSITIONS OF LEADERSHIP AND RESPONSIBILITY IN CHURCHES