Rebound Guy and No Sex
There are three points to walk away from with this letter below, points which are three of several that regularly arise on this blog:
1. This letter makes me feel a little better about my never-married status. I’d rather be single than living in misery with some guy who is a control freak, and where there is no love.
Which is not to say when I’m pining for marriage I appreciate it when married people tell me stuff like, “Aw, marriage can be hard at times, a husband won’t meet all your emotional needs…”
But I do occasionally see married women describe really hellish or awful sounding marriages, and I can see how being alone is preferable to putting up with some guy’s crap. (I was also engaged once, in a long term relationship and felt relief when I dumped the guy.)
2. Note also from this letter that the woman who wrote in says she and her husband are not having sex!
Evangelicals, Baptists, and Fundamentalists try to talk Christian teens into staying virgins by promising them that they will have “mind blowing” (yes, the phrase they usually choose is “mind blowing”) sex when they get married. This is not always so.
3. Notice in the letter that the woman says she never found her husband “physically attractive.”
Often, one hears and sees in both Christian and secular discussions about female sexuality, dating, and marriage that only men want sex and only men care about a partner’s physical appearance, while women supposedly do not care about either.
It is said women only care about things like nurturing and “emotional intimacy.” Hogwash! The fact is (Link): many women are “visually stimulated” and appreciate a sexy looking man.
Here’s the letter from the unhappily married lady:
(Column by Dr. Sherry)
Lady writes to ask:
- Q: “I am a 30-year-old mother of two boys, ages 6 and 8, and I have been married for four years to the man I met during my last pregnancy. We have been together for six years on and off.
[The] truth is, I am not happy with him.
My family hates him and my kids merely tolerate him. I’ve never been attracted to him physically, but I fell in love with him because he was there for me when the man I loved left me while I was carrying his son.
He has bought us a nice home and even helped me get my dream car, but he uses his assistance to control these things.
Because of his personality, he has very few friends. He is not very family-oriented.
We do not sleep together and barely talk.
We don’t see eye-to-eye on the children at all.
I dream of leaving but fear I cannot make it alone and I definitely don’t want to leave him in debt.
Besides, I work crazy hours and he takes the kids to football practice and keeps them after school. I want to be happy and I get really discouraged when people tell me to work it out.
I am also afraid of leaving and being lonely or meeting a guy who beats me or hurts my kids. Please help me!” —Anonymous
The Doc says:
- A: I hate to tell you that while you say you are afraid of being alone, you are already alone. It sounds as if you married your husband for the material stuff and the security of having a man. When you marry for stuff, you get just that — “stuff.”
Given that material things are what he had to offer you from the beginning, it is the only thing that he has to control you with now.
The problem is, women find out quickly that material things are not enough to meet their emotional needs.
You said, “I fell in love with him because he was there for me when the man I loved left me while I was carrying his son.” Sounds like your husband was a fill-in for the man you really wanted. Now you find yourself legally married with no emotional involvement.
Are you really surprised that you are unhappy?
You must be honest with yourself at this point in your life. This may mean giving up some of the stuff in hopes of finding yourself. You deserve and need more in a relationship than material things. There is no replacement for true love and commitment.
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