Christian Males Blaming their Unwanted Protracted Singleness on Feminism – They have the wrong target

Christian Males Blaming their Unwanted Protracted Singleness on Feminism – They have the wrong target
EDIT. From another author, who is a Christian man:
(Link): Feminism, Singleness, And The Idol Of The Nuclear Family

I just now discovered the Spiritual Sounding Board blog made a post about a similar topic back in May of this year that you may want to read (as well as comments by the readers at the bottom of the page):
(Link): What is the Big Deal About Feminism and Christianity?

(Link): Trends in male employment may not bode well for marriage (article)

Christian Males Blaming their Unwanted Protracted Singleness on Feminism – They have the wrong target

Blaming feminism for protracted, unwanted singleness among males is an attitude that I’ve seen among “average Joe” Christians around the internet the last few years, on their blogs and in forums.

Certainly, conservative Christian groups and think tanks, such as “Focus on the Family,” are probably the most responsible for fostering these views among the unmarried, rank and file Christian males.

These conservative Christian groups blame feminism only, or first and foremost, for everything, for all change in society, or what they perceive as being negative change – for delayed age of first marriage; lower birth rates; women outperforming males in classrooms and on jobs, the rise of divorce, and on and on it goes.

I suppose a feminist was behind the grassy knoll, too. Oswald did not act alone.

If you need a reminder about me (most of this can be found on this blog’s “About” page), and I feel this is pertinent to state up front, because often, male, Christian, gender complementarians (traditional gender role advocates) wrongly assume from the get-go that a (quasi former) Christian woman such as myself, who does not agree with their traditional gender role perspective any longer, must be a bra-burning, Bible-hating, liberal feminist, when the truth is:

  • -I am a social conservative
  • -I am a Republican
  • -I was a Christian since childhood
    (but have been slowly walking away from the faith the last year to two years)
  • -I grew up with a Christian mother who defined herself as being a “traditional wife”
    (in today’s Christian lingo, my Mom was a “biblical gender complementarian”)
  • – I was a “biblical literalist”
    (and still am, to what degree I still identify as Christian)
  • -I tried my hardest to be a “biblical gender complementarian” myself
    … but the older I got, by my mid to late 30s, I saw that the Scripture does not support the view

What I am not, and what I do not believe:

  • -I am not a secular feminist, nor do I agree with all their views
  • -I do not hate men
  • -I am not “anti” family or “anti” marriage

I have on occasion defended unmarried Christian males on this blog.

I think that often, many Christians adhere to offensive stereotypes of Christian men who are over 30 years of age but who have not married.

One common stereotype is that such men are homosexual. Another is that older single Christian males are pedophiles. That they are not as mature as their married counterparts.
Another is that they are not fully in God’s image, that they need to be married (and preferably with kids) to be considered wholly in God’s image. I have written a few blog posts criticizing some of those views.

I do not blame all men every where for the widespread problem of unwanted, protracted singleness among Christians these days.

I also don’t blame feminism. (So it makes me wonder why some of the Christian single men are so vehemently insistent that male singleness is the full responsibility of Christian women. Or of feminism.)

I am in disagreement with the likes of the Al Mohlers (Southern Baptist leader) and Debbie Makens (Christian author) who accuse all Christian single men every where of being single because they are lazy-asses who pursue Playstation gaming sessions, instead of asking women out on dates.

Are there some men out there –some – who are single due to laziness, or pursuing adolescence into their late 20s and older, or due to fear? Yes, I think there are.

I’ve run across both single and married guys in their late 20s or older who continue to put responsibility off, and for the married ones, that means shoving responsibility all on to their wife, while they go beer drinking with their male buddies nightly.

I’ve also seen plenty of men admit they are too afraid to ask a woman out on a date.

However, I don’t believe all men are that way.

I’ve read posts by unmarried Christian guys on the internet who appear genuinely baffled and hurt at their single status, not understanding why they can’t seem to meet a decent Christian woman, and some say there are not any single women their age in their area. Those guys I have sympathy for.

I think those types of Christian single males are in the same position as the single Christian women who want marriage but cannot find anyone.

The one group of single Christian males I see over and over again who I have no sympathy for are the ones who let their frustration turn into misogyny, and who blame their lack of marriage on feminism and/or Christian women.

Examples of that kind of thinking can be found here-
Boundless blog, Farmer Tom, who blames Christian women for feminism or declining marriage rates, and
Frank Swift / Geek in the Wilderness post (‘How churches today abandoned the Christian single’)
– note that Swift puts the word “church” in the title, but if I remember correctly, that blog post, and a few others, blames feminism.

Such men sound bitter, probably because they are.

“Bitter” is a word, as I explained at the Single Geek Guy’s blog (Swift), which I hate to use, because it’s often used to silence any and all legitimate complaints by singles of how they are neglected or mistreated by churches, or how difficult it can be to find a compatible mate.

But the word does fit some singles. The guys at these “blame feminism” blogs read as not merely bitter at being single, but they are also bitter at the female gender.

They remind me of that goofy South Park song, “Blame Canada,” or the liberals who continually blamed George W. Bush for everything and anything, during his eight years in office:

If a liberal got a hang nail, they would swear it was Bush’s fault. Blame Bush!

Hurricane Katrina slams into New Orleans: Blame Bush!

If their black cat shed hair on their new, white sofa, they would blame Bush for it. If their ice cream melted in the car on the way home from the grocery store, they would blame Bush.

The disgruntled, woman-hating Christian single males I see on blogs and forums are the same when it comes to complaining about why they are single:
Blame feminism! Blame feminism! Blame feminism!

Some of them, sadly, also delve into hating all women. This is where you will see them raise the well-worn tropes, including but not limited to, that all women claim they want nice guys but will only date jerks, bad boys, etc.

By the way, “nice guys” are usually selfish, lying jerks who only pretend to be nice to a lady friend to get into her pants (or to get a date), and get angry when she doesn’t put out (or won’t date the guy): see (Link): this post and (Link): this post.

While secular feminism may have had some impact on American culture, I believe Christians attribute far too much to it, they heap more blame on it than it deserves, as they’ve also been doing as of late with homosexuality.

Feminism – secular feminism – is the scapegoat for conservative Christians. As someone who is a conservative (quasi former) Christian myself, even I tire of this, and I’ve come to see it for the farce it is.

Evangelicals are losing political power in the United States. The topics they use to gather support from their base are feminism, homosexuality, and abortion.

Here are a few links about it:

(Link): Poll: Evangelicals See Declining Influence in US – Christianity Today

(Link): The Decline of Evangelical America

And conversely:
(Link): The Rise of the Christian Left in America (July 2013, The Atlantic)

Let me also explain a fallacy in this thinking that feminism is to blame for unwanted, protracted singlehood among Christian males.

Christian women are heavily discouraged from being feminist.

Christian ladies are taught from a young age that feminism is unbiblical, and most churches promote “traditional gender roles,” also known in some Christian circles today as “biblical gender complementarianism” (gender comp).

Christian women are taught from girlhood that feminism is evil, wrong, unbiblical, and bad. Christian females are instructed from youth to pray to the Lord, have faith, and be a good submissive little thing, and the Lord would send them a spouse.

So, we (they) did all that – myself, and many single Christian women I’ve met online – we still find ourselves single.

If Christian men are finding themselves single into their late 20s and older, the thing that is keeping them from finding a godly Christian woman is not feminism.

Yet Christian single men keep holding single Christian women responsible for secular feminism and for their resultant singleness, when the ladies had nothing to do with the creation of secular feminism; they were taught to stay away from it.

As I’ve gotten older, I find myself realizing that feminists are right on some topics – not all, but a few. They do make some good points on some issues.

But I was brought up to be a “gender comp,” and I still find myself single into my early 40s. I became more of a gender egalitarian somewhere around my mid 30s, and through out my 20s, I did not know what to think about gender complementarianism.

Since Christian females attending Southern Baptist, fundamentalist, and evangelical churches are indoctrinated from the time they are little girls to believe in the “traditional gender role” perspective, it’s wrong to say they are refusing to date Christian men due to secular feminism.

If you are a Christian man who finds himself single past the age of 25 – 30, and you desire to marry, stop blaming feminism.

Your singleness is not the fault of feminism. Feminism is the issue that the conservative evangelical, fundamentalist and Baptist leaders are using to get you worked up into a lather, in order to get your continued votes and financial support.

If you want to disagree with aspects of feminism, all well and good, but to attribute it the biggest reason as to why so many Christian guys are still single into their 30s is ridiculous, and very simplistic.

There could be other issues at play for your singleness that have nothing to do with “feminism,” such as, you happen to live in a city that has very few single Christian women your age.

Could it be that one of the unfortunate stereotypes of ‘blame the single for being single’ might actually be true for you?

For instance, churches have not done Christian men a favor by telling them from the pulpit and on Christian blogs about relationships, gender, and dating, that only men are “visually oriented,” and that all women only want “emotional closeness.”

The truth is that many women are also “visually oriented,” and very few (who are seeking an honest, loving relationship) will date a fat, ugly, stick-thin, flabby, acne-covered, and/or unemployed man.

Maybe you’re not getting dates because you are overweight. Maybe you have bad breath. Maybe you wear “coke-bottle” glasses and could benefit from contacts or lasik surgery.

I read an article years ago, containing a scientific study, which mentioned that most men over-estimate their own attractiveness (while most women under-estimate their own attractiveness). Here’s a video which makes that point in an amusing way:
(Link): Men: You Are Less Beautiful Than You Think

It’s honesty time. If you’re a fat guy, and you know you’re fat, you might increase your odds of attracting a lady if you lost the weight (I gave the fat Christian ladies the same advice in an older post, the ones who admit on singles forums they are 50 pounds overweight and complain they can’t get dates).

Maybe it’s your personality that is turning women off.

Maybe you are too scared or shy to approach women and ask them out on dates.

There could be any number of reasons you (single male Christian) cannot get a date, but blaming feminism for lack of female companionship is a cop out, and the anger against feminism is misplaced.

You’ll notice I don’t blame all men every where for the reason I find myself single into my 40s.

I would say my prolonged singleness is due to a combination of factors, some beyond my control (such as lack of men my age at singles classes in churches), and ones I won’t list here in their entirety, but major blame for the avalanche of singleness does go to Christian churches, Christian preachers, Christian content (books, blogs, podcasts, sermons) about relationships / sex/ dating/ gender roles.

If you are single, a Christian, and frustrated by your singleness, you need to pin more responsibility where it really belongs: on churches, entire denominations (Southern Baptists, Independent Fundamentalist Baptists, for example), Christian relationship advice mavens (the men and women who write books for teens and young adults about gender roles, dating, marriage, etc).

I don’t care to get into this in detail here, as I’ve written about this subject in prior posts, but Christians stubbornly sticking to “traditional gender roles” is what creates prolonged, unwanted Christian singleness in the first place (among other causes).

That is the situation because “biblical gender role” teachings maintain several untrue stereotypes about the genders and relationships. These stereotypes create fear and suspicion between both genders, as well as counter-intuitive relationship advice, which keeps singles apart.

EDIT. I just now discovered the Spiritual Sounding Board blog made a post about a similar topic back in May of this year that you may want to read (as well as comments by the readers at the bottom of the page):
(Link): What is the Big Deal About Feminism and Christianity?

From another author (who I believe is a Christian):
(Link): Feminism, Singleness, And The Idol Of The Nuclear Family

The guys who keep braying about “feminism” being the reason for their singleness sound just as ridiculous as the parents in the “Blame Canada” song.

And,as I said, they need to be holding their fellow Christians responsible for the idiotic teachings about dating, marriage, and gender roles, which is keeping the single males apart from the females.

It’s not the feminists keeping the Christian ladies out of reach from you, it’s partly other Christians and their attitudes about dating, marriage, and gender roles.

Related posts this blog:

(Link): If the Family Is Central, Christ Isn’t

(Link): Example of How Christian Teaching About Sex, Marriage, and Gender Creates Hang Ups and Entitlements Among Christians

(Link): The Bible Does Not Teach Christians to “Focus On The Family” – The Idolization of Family by American Christians (article)

(Link): Conservative Christianity Stuck in 1950s Leave it To Beaver-ville

(Link): Christian Gender and Sex Stereotypes Act as Obstacles to Christian Singles Who Want to Get Married (Not All Men Are Obsessed with Sex)

(Link):  Nice Guys Aren’t So Nice After All: Men in the “Friend Zone” Often Have A Hidden Agenda, Say Psychologists (Daily Mail article)

(Link): Stigmas and Stereotypes of Single Unmarried Men Over 25 or 30 Years of Age – They’re Supposedly All Homosexual or Pedophiles

(Link): The Deification of Family and Marriage (re: Kyle Idleman book)

(Link): Christian Teachings on Relationships: They’re One Reason Singles Are Remaining Single (even if they want to get married)

(Link): Stereotypes Against Singles Refuted Series: Married IFB Preacher Arrested for Being Serial Rapist

(Link): You Know Marriage Has Been Made an Idol by Christians When… (Christian guy asks: ‘do you need to be married to get into heaven’)

(Link): Never Married Christians Over Age 35 who are childless Are More Ignored Than Divorced or Infertile People or Single Parents

(Link): Atlantic: “The case for abandoning the myth that ‘women aren’t visual.’”

(Link): Why Unmarried – Single Christians Should Be Concerned about the Gender Role Controversy

(Link): How Christians Keep Christians Single (part 3) – Restrictive Gender Roles Taught as Biblical

(Link): Sterling Example of How Christians are Keeping Single Christians Single Forever (Re Very Long Courtship List)

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