views and thoughts on topics, especially ones pertaining to christianity – with an emphasis on how most christians either ignore or discriminate against unmarried christians – and how christians have turned marriage and parenting into IDOLS and how there is no true support for sexual purity, virginity, or celibacy among christians – this is a blog for me to vent; I seldom permit dissenting views. I don't debate dissenters ————-
Creepy, Wrong, Immature and Pathetic: Older Men Chasing After Much Younger Women
Creepy, Wrong, Immature and Pathetic: Older Men Chasing After Much Younger Women
(this post has been edited many times since it was first published to add new links under the “Related Posts” section below)
I’ve always been grossed out and repulsed by men who try to pick up, date, or marry women who are more than five years younger than themselves – my absolute limit is ten years. (And no, I do not support older women trying to get together with younger men, either.)
Recently in the news there was a story of a 40 year old man who was infatuated with a 16 year old neighbor, Hannah. He killed Hannah’s mother and eight year old brother.
I really doubt the sanity, ethics, and morality of any person who feels it’s appropriate, in the areas of dating, marriage, and romance to fixate on younger people.
I saw the oddest thing on a Child Free forum (which is populated by atheists, agnostics, liberals, Democrats, and only a smattering of Christians and conservatives). A few people in the thread said they personally know of 40-something men who join web sites and hit on 20- year old women.
These same men, these posters said, are obese, unemployed, and weird. One of them is 47 or 48, still a virgin, and feels he is entitled to a woman age 18 to 25 because he is a virgin. He will die a virgin if he does not alter his expectations and start considering women his own age.
When I was in my early twenties and flirted with by men over the age of 25, I was creeped out. If the man in question appeared to be in his 30s, 40s, or older, I was creeped out triple-fold. Most women are.
Now that I’m on a dating site, I get approached by guys not only my own age on occasion, but guys who are clearly in their 60s and 70s, but they claim on their profiles to be 35 – 45 years old.
Here are some links about this:
This is from a Child Free forum about bitter, sexist single men, some of whom post on “Men’s Rights” forums:
(Link): Child Free forum
Post by Nodadsforme:
I had (I stress had) a guy friend like that.
He was obese, smelly (I had to tell him to bathe before we would get together because he stunk), wore smelly clothes, 40 [years old] and still lived at home because he was unemployed (because he refused to take a low paying job though he was unskilled) and worst of all he was nasty.
When I first met him I told him upfront I wasn’t interested in him because I require more from boyfriends than he could be (like daily showers and working).
He thought if he was “nice” to me I would bend then he got mean when he saw I wouldn’t.
Years ago when we were friends he would complain about the women he was meeting because none met his requirements and when I told him they were way unrealistic he said something to the effect that all women want men and he’s nice so he should get anyway [sic – anyone] he wants.
He stopped being my friend because he was nasty and creepy.
Anyway this charmer had an online profile that I saw years ago and he was now close to 50, and still obese (and likely still unemployed) yet he was looking for blonde women who were busty between 18-25. I’m sure he’s still single.
I know several men like them and many of them are that way because of their extreme requirements. I met one who was
mid 40’s overweight and balding and thought because he was a virgin it meant he could date very young women in their late teens to early 20’s.
These PUA-type folks are a different thing. They think that women owe them sex. No matter what. As if we [women] are only here to please men and do whatever they say. Not all 40 and balding guys are assholes, not at all. But the ones that think they deserve a perfect ten woman and can’t get her because his attitude sucks? Those are the ones making it rough for the middle-aged nice guys out there.
If there’s one tangible thing that men can do to help end sexism—and create a healthier culture in which young people come of age—it’s to stop chasing after women young enough to be their biological daughters.
As hyperbolic as it may sound, there are few more powerful actions that men can take to transform the culture than to date, mate, and stay with their approximate chronological peers.
If aging guys would commit to doing this, everyone would benefit: older men and younger men, older women and younger women.
… Ours, as Buchanan documented, is a culture which represents men’s sexual desirability as being as enduring as women’s is fleeting.
It’s certainly not just graying celebrities like Depp who rob the cradle.
Research on the preferences of users of OK Cupid, one of America’s most popular dating sites, indicates that “men show a decided preference for younger women, especially as the men get older… so, even though men and women are more-or-less proportionately represented on the site, men’s decided preference for younger women makes for many fewer potential dates for women.”
…By contrast, the contemporary hype about cougars and pumas revolves around smaller age-disparities. (A recent CNN story focused on the supposedly outrageous novelty of women in their 20s and 30s dating men an average of three years younger than themselves.)
When it comes to inter-generational romances with age gaps sufficiently large that one partner could be the biological parent of the other, the course of true love remains maddeningly unidirectional.
What seems harmless and natural, however, is neither. A culture in which older men value younger women more than their own female peers does damage to everyone.
I’m not talking about the harm inflicted by pedophiles on pre-teen girls, which is both monstrous and a given. I’m not talking about the vile street harassment of adolescents by older men, which is also as toxic as it is infuriatingly ubiquitous.
This is about the way in which young women come of age surrounded by reminders that they are at their most desirable when they are still at their most uncertain and insecure. Some young women are attracted to older men (for a host of possible reasons), but even these find too many men who are, in the end, deeply unsafe.
… Many people who concede that older men’s obsession with younger women is disillusioning and destabilizing insist that the sexual choices of men like Johnny Depp are driven by natural imperatives.
That’s not quite what the science shows. Research on age disparate relationships does find a biological case for older men choosing slightly younger women; a 2007 study of 11,000 Swedes found that the most fecund men were those with partners six years younger than themselves.
The strategic reproductive benefit of choosing a younger woman diminished as the age gap widened.
According to the science, Depp was better matched with [former his wife] Paradis (nine years his junior) than with the new girlfriend [who is 27 years old].
…So if older men aren’t pursuing much younger women because of evolutionary hardwiring, why do they?
It’s hard not to conclude that much of the appeal is about the hope of finding someone less demanding.
A man in his 40s who wants to date women in their 20s is making the same calculation as the man who pursues a “mail-order bride” from a country with less egalitarian values. It’s about the mistaken assumption that younger women will be more malleable.
Men who chase younger women aren’t eroticizing firmer flesh as much as they are a pre-feminist fantasy of a partner who is endlessly starry-eyed and appreciative.
The dead giveaway comes when you ask middle-aged men why they prefer to date younger; almost invariably, you’ll hear complaints that their female peers are too entitled, too embittered, too feminist.
One of the basic rules of tennis applies here: If you want to improve your skills, you need to play someone who is (at a minimum) at your own level.
As sophisticated as a 20-something may be, she will be more so—with a more exquisite bullshit detector—in her 40s.
When older men date much younger women, they cheat themselves out of an opportunity to be matched with a partner with the maturity to see them as they really are.
Depression, the research shows, peaks for men in their mid-to-late 40s. In the face of statistics like those, middle-aged men can’t afford to choose partners who lack the life experience to provide the right kind of challenge.
If the older man/younger woman dynamic is less “natural” and more destructive than we imagined, how then to respond to couples that make that dynamic work?
When I’ve written about this subject in the past, I’m invariably challenged by young women with boyfriends their fathers’ age, demanding that I stop judging their love.
I always reply that it’s possible to wish individuals well while still critiquing the context in which those individuals made their choices.
It’s like attending the wedding of a couple that gets together as the result of an affair: One can wish them every happiness without endorsing what led them there.
I’m not proposing that we shame every age-disparate couple.
I am proposing that we challenge heterosexual middle-aged men to direct their sexual and romantic energies to their female peers. Everyone—older men, younger men, older women, younger women—will reap the paradigm-shifting benefits.
//// end article ///
Story about the 40 year old immature perv with the crush on the sixteen year old girl:
San Diego Sheriff Bill Gore said DiMaggio, 40, is dead after at least 150 police and FBI agents swarmed a dense forest about 70 miles northeast of Boise and a shootout ensued.
The firefight capped a weeklong hunt for DiMaggio, who was on the run with Anderson after apparently killing her mother Christina Anderson, 44, and 8-year-old brother Ethan Anderson last Sunday at his house. DiMaggio is believed to have burned down his own home in Southern California with the victims’ bodies still inside.
… Authorities say DiMaggio, a close friend of the Anderson family, was “infatuated” with the blond teenager. But Brett Anderson said he never saw any indication that DiMaggio had inappropriate feelings for his daughter.
/// end article ///
— January 2014 update.—
—- “OMG YOU ARE GENERALIZING!!!” —-
Some lady left a couple of posts on this blog, disagreeing with me. I only skimmed them over, did not read them in full, and trashed them.
As I explain at the top of the blog, and on the blog’s policy page, I seldom permit dissenting views on this blog or publish them.
One of the few comments I caught in one of her posts (before deleting them), which appeared below this entry, is that there are creepy men in every age demographic.
Yes, there are – but she missed the point.
I find the ENTIRE CONCEPT of older people dating, boinking, and marrying people five, six, or more years younger than themselves creepy and disgusting.
I don’t care if, say, a 56 year old man is “Mr. Nice Guy” by all other definitions: if he is dating, boinking, or marrying a 20 year old, he’s creepy and gross for that alone.
If a man is 46 years old but dating or boinking, say, a 17 year old, I don’t care if he normally gives 20% of his income to impoverished third world natives and spends his weekends tutoring orphans in Algebra: he’s a creepy creepster. I don’t care how many other good deeds he does.
I thought I was fairly clear on that view, but I guess some folks need to have it spelled out for them.
All this. There’s this idea that 20-somethings are just fine dating older men. We’re not. Personally, I wouldn’t want to become caretaker to my husband the minute the kids go off to college. But that’s exactly what would happen.
The issue I have is, why do these [older / 40 something or older] men think they can attract a woman 10 (or 10+) years younger than them?
I’m 29 and just got out of a two-year relationship with a man 9 years older than me, and I can say that I wouldn’t do it again.
Not just because our different ages gave us different perspectives on the future, but because life experiences up to this point were fundamentally different because of our age difference.
I mean, it was always the little things which sounds stupid and petty when taken individually (for instance, he’s still referencing Seinfeld episodes, which, while admittedly brilliant was before my sit-com watching days), but those little things add up to you just not getting each other. I want someone who I’m on the same page with, culturally, politically, and lifestyle-wise.
I think those things are just as important to long-term happiness as being emotionally, physically, and spiritually compatible.
This. For a very brief period of time in my life, I was what I referred to as an “Old Man Magnet.” From the time I was 19 – 22, the ONLY men who would message me on dating sites were 45+.
And every single one wanted to immediately settle down and have a family. I wasn’t even out of college for most of this window, I had no desire to give up my dreams and potential career to become their brood mare.
Plus – I was 19, I wanted to date a peer! I wanted a guy my own age, who was also in college and doing college-aged things.
I honestly think men like the ones in the article think when they’re ready for a family, no matter how old they are, they can just go to the young woman store and pick one off the shelf and she’ll be THRILLED to have his babies and keep his home! It doesn’t work that way.
THIS. The whole article is a veiled tantrum about 25 year old women not being interested in them anymore. If they cared so much about having a family they could marry a woman their age, take all the money they earned focusing on career, and use alternative avenues for creating a family
This is another example of how a sense of entitlement can embitter people. Just because you decide you WANT a family at a certain age doesn’t mean you’re going to automatically get one.
Personal experience with this, my brother in law was just diagnosed with depression and he’s very vocal about his anger about not having a wife and kids.
For years I’ve heard him blather on about how he’d never date a fat woman, a woman of a different race, an older woman, etc.
Soooo, I don’t have much sympathy for dudes who whine about this type of shit.
comment by KaraThraceAndHerSpecialDestiny
yup—these are always the guys who expect the young nubile thing they are looking for to breed with will do all the parenting work and emotional labour in the household/relationship for them. they have no idea how unfair and unrealistic their expectations are, and are mystified why the perfect family isn’t crystalising for them.
I had an ex in my early 20’s who was much older than me, and I kept in touch with him a bit, until he became to toxic.
He, in his mid 30’s, would focus on women in their early 20’s, and given that he was not conventionally attracive and emotionally kind of a mess, he never made much headway. When I gently suggested he expand his age range, he said that women over 30 had too much “baggage”.
Also in passing I had casually mentioned an aunt of mine who was divorced in her 50’s, and he said something along the lines of “It’s sad that she’s getting divorced at that age, because she’ll never find someone again.”
My aunt has had several sucessful relationships, and the last I head of my ex, he’s had none.
It’s like he had absorbed some sort of TV sitcom in which a shubbly older dude was entitled to a cute 20-something. IRL, most cute 20-something ladies want cute 20-something dudes.
I’ve had this problem over and over with one friend of mine.
Truthfully, he’s a decent guy. But he’s also very nerdy and schlubby. But, he’s also an ‘expert’ in his field, and when he goes to conventions to present, the women who attend those conventions (who are nerdy and schlubby like him) are really attracted to him and very clear that they’d like to go to dinner and such.
Invariably, he rejects them as “not attractive” while asking out the “booth babes” (hired models about 15-20 yrs younger than him), who summarily reject him.
Then, he whines that these girls are shallow and “won’t give a good, smart, financially secure” man a chance. I then point out “yeah, but you aren’t giving the good, smart, financially secure women WHO ARE ASKING YOU OUT a chance either.” And he’s like “but I’m not attracted to them!” And I said “well, these models aren’t attracted to you, and they have better options — more attractive men their own age.”
My friend hasn’t dated in several years. He complains about that, too.
As a single 34 year old woman living in a big city, I call bullshit on this so hard. I would love to get married and have wanted that for some time. I want to create a home, equal partnership and life with someone.
However, the majority of men my age and older who also want that seem to have a 30 and younger cut off. And then they’re all sad because they’re alone? Sorry, bro. You’ve made your own prison.
My most recent attempt at dating was with a 48 year old divorced dude who felt he deserved all kinds of credit for being attracted to someone as old as me. He was shocked when his last relationship – with a 20 year old – ended because she didn’t want to get married, do carpool with his kids, etc. And his main complaint was the sads echoed by single middle aged men everywhere:
“I just want someone to want me for me and not my wallet! It’s not my fault I’m only attracted to women under 30! They’re more fun!”.
UGH, the dude “worrying” if it’s appropriate to have babies with a younger woman. Please, I’m sure he’s more than thrilled to have an excuse to schtup 25 year-olds because it’s not like women in their 30’s and 40’s can have babies, amirite?
When I first moved to NYC, I dated a 42 year-old when I was 23. It was brief and strictly for fun, but I’ll never forget when he said he wasn’t attracted to women over 30 because dating women his age was like “being interviewed for a job.” Well, here ladies just didn’t want to waste their time with someone who’s dicking around. (He also said Scarlett Johannsen isn’t aging well and she’s two years older than me. He was awful.)
They say they want marriage and a family, but they don’t want someone their age who’s onto their bullshit. Nor do they want to step up and act their age entirely, so they skew younger because what do we know, right?
I’m 37 and halfheartedly starting to wonder If I’ll regret not having a family someday, so I suppose I get that. But these dudes are ridiculous. Lots of people have kids in their late 30s and early 40s now.
Also that 35-year old worrying about having to find a younger woman. Seriously dude you’re 35. 35-year old women can still have kids. A 30 year old woman is still age appropriate. Stop whining about not getting to bang college girls anymore.
I thought this was a really interesting read. Thanks for sharing! I agree with you too.
Being in a relationship does not mean you’re less lonely. Having a family may not give you a sense of accomplishment either.
As a woman in her 20s, I found this bit cringe-worthy –
I just turned 40. Thinking about the math, the longer I wait to start my own family, you start to think, ‘When I consider someone to marry, I have to find someone young enough to have children. And the age difference. What’s acceptable? What’s O.K.? What doesn’t work?’
All valid questions. But even 20 year olds are pragmatic. Even if he was the hottest, funnest, most awesome guy ever I’d still probably say no to the idea of a serious relationship with a 40-something man.
Say I got married to him when he was 40, and we waited 5 years to have a kid. The man would be 63 by the time our kid goes to college.
After that, I would spend a large chunk of my life being caretaker to an aging husband.
Not to mention the fact that he’s going to die a lot sooner than me, leaving me all alone to date post-60. Nope to all that.
Maybe that’s harsh, idk. Biologically speaking, these men can have kids. But realistically their chances dropped as soon as the women in their age-group hit 40 too.
Can we discuss for a minute about how what dudes really seem to mean when they talk about the “baggage” that single women have in their 30s and 40s is that women have a higher set of standards and are less willing to put up with bullshit than they were in their teens and 20s?
Like, it’s not that women are more messed up as they get older; in my experience, I’ve found it to often be the opposite, where as you leave your 20s you become saner and wiser and more mature and better at dealing with your own issues. And because of this, you’re say, usually better at having boundaries and not putting up with shit from guys that you may have before.
But when you, in your 30s say “Hey, you know what, I’ve had guys cheat on me in the past and its a complete dealbreaker for me, so the fact that you just cheated on me means I’m going to break up with you, no questions asked”, the bros only hear “IVE GOT BAGGAGE FROM BAD EXBOYFRIENDS”.
In their minds, the women who don’t have baggage are that precious 24 year old who’s just been cheated on and goes “Oh its fine we’re still in love, I will nobly forgive you like someone in a Nicholas Sparks novel even though this kills me inside”… where ironically that actually does come from a shitload of baggage.
Dudes in their 40s want those 20 year old chicks who haven’t dealt with their baggage yet. (all ages are general here – there are definitely still women in their 30s+ who haven’t dealt with baggage and women in their 20s who are mature goddesses)
Yes! The concept of baggage is such bullshit to me. Like you said, a person gets to know themselves better as they age, which is a good thing. This is part of why dating in my 30s has been so much more successful compared to my teens and 20s. It is such a red flag to me when people use the term “baggage” as code for having relationship preferences through life experiences.