More Married Women Admit to Sexless Marriages
Evangelical, Baptist, and conservative Christians have propaganda which says if only you wait until marriage to have sex, the sex will be great and regular. This propaganda is usually aimed at teens or 20-somethings.
However, just in the course of the last six months alone, I have continually come across letters to advice columnists and articles that talk about sexless marriages.
Given the number of examples and material I am seeing online (and that I recall seeing since reading Dear Abby since childhood and during my teen years reading “Can This Marriage Be Saved?”), I don’t think sexless marriages are rare.
As I was growing up, although I saw a few examples here and there of married people complaining about being stuck in a sexless marriage in letters to advice columnists, it didn’t start to sink in until I got older.
Given that sexless marriages are common, why the hell Christians keep telling teens and college kids, “Just hold on until marriage, the sex will be awesome!” is beyond me. It is a blatant lie.
Notice in the examples below that there are many women who want to have sex but their husbands do not want to have sex. This also goes against the typical conservative Christian train of thought that men want sex and women do not.
Listen to how depressed, angry, or frustrated these sexless married women are that their husbands won’t have sex with them and then tell me if it sounds as though women are totally disinterested in sex.
Here are a few more examples.
- I stare down into my drink, silent. In some ways, this is the hardest part — living in this society, listening to movies and television and music and friends who all say the same thing: All men want sex all the time. Women may want sex (slut) or not want sex (frigid), but all men want sex, always. What kind of man doesn’t like to have sex? We don’t even have a word for that.
Actually, I do have a word for that. Husband.
According to Wikipedia, a sexless marriage is usually defined as one in which the couple has sex 10 or fewer times per year; a study published in 2004 found that 20 percent of married couples fit this definition of sexless marriage.
I look at this definition and laugh. Ten times a year! That would be veritable feast of sex! Sign me up! It’s been at least six months since my husband and I were sexually intimate. If we’re talking about actual penis-in-vagina penetrative sex? Um… I don’t even know. A year? More? I’ve lost track.
- A sexless marriage is a marriage in which little or no intimacy occurs between the two partners. Many couples may not admit it openly but if surveys have to be believed over 30% of the marriages are sexless. While sex is said to increase the bond between couples many couples are perfectly okay without it.
Some times both the partners may not be interested in being intimate. But if one partner longs for intimacy and the other do not then it can lead the other to cheat on the spouse or have a miserable condition which involves feelings of rejection, frustration and confusion.
A celibate relationship can be a happy one too though it needs more work than a normal relationship. If the love is strong between the couples then even such a marriage would survive.
- December 2012
Like whether or not to leave a sexless marriage: one where couples have sex less than 10 times per year.
Society says it’s women saying no to sex, but in reality, it’s just as likely to be the man turning to face the wall.
There are many, many testimonies on that page of people in a sexless marriage, these are only two examples:
- by lisa49
Got The Ol Bait And Switch He was always sexual with me when we were dating… Soon as we said I do, he shut down sexually. I could kick his ass for the bait and switch.
Just Tired I think that I am over this sexless marriage… I have been married for 5 years now… I have tried everything to get him to want me sexually.. I don’t want to waste another 5 years living this way…. I feel so rejected
- May 2013
- Charlotte, 34, and Chris, 40, say they don’t ‘have time or energy for sex’
- Tracey and Julian haven’t had sex for a year because of his demanding job
- Psychologist warns lack of sex in a marriage often leads to affairs
- By Cathy Meyer
March 17, 2013
- We hear often about women with low libidos or medical issues from husbands who go for long periods of time without sexual intimacy in their marriage. We hear so much about it that it has become cliché and the common belief is that women lose a desire for sex after marriage.
- What we don’t hear about are the wives who are living with the consequences of a husband with a low libido or medical impotence. As a society we women are taught that men want sex. It’s that simple, there is no such thing as a man who doesn’t want sex.
- And then we find ourselves married to a man who doesn’t want or can’t perform sex and we don’t have the same recourse as men in similar situations. We don’t complain about it, we don’t tell our girlfriends about it, we don’t get online and leave comments about how men, soon after marriage no longer want sex.
- We keep our mouth shut and our secret close to the chest because, as we have been taught all men want sex. If all men want sex then that must mean that the man we are married to who isn’t interested in sex or refuses to treat a medical condition must not want sex with us.
- My marriage was much like “Wondering (not Wandering) Wife”. Sex slowed and then finally ended about six years into our marriage.
- It’s been 13 years now and I never strayed. We are best friends, there’s no one else I’d rather spend my life with. I accept him the way he is and in return he does the same for me.
- He held my hand every step of the way through my battle with breast cancer. We found out this year he has had colon cancer, which has spread. This was the reason for his inability to function sexually. Our time together is limited. I would gladly live out the rest of my days in a happy (but sexless) marriage with my wonderful husband if I had a choice.
— Lucky Wife
Oct 24, 2013 Ask Amy:
- — Not Wandering
- “Wondering (but not Wandering) Wife” is in a sexless marriage. So am I. My husband and I have been through therapy, read self-help books and so forth. But he simply never wants to do it. The time is never right for him. We have not had sex in years and probably never will again. This makes me so sad.
- DEAR NOT:
I have heard from dozens of women in the same boat.
On this blog:
(Link): Rebound Guy and No Sex