Sex is Always the Solution – supposedly, according to Christian writers and preachers. (Also: Christian married men feel entitled to sex, contra 1 Corinthians 7:5.)
I just amended a week old blog post (this one – (Link): “Why Christians Need to Uphold Lifelong Celibacy as an Option for All Instead of Merely Pressuring All to Marry – vis a vis Sexless Marriages, Counselors Who Tell Marrieds that Having Affairs Can Help their Marriages“) to add some comments; here they are (the part about Paul is new):
- It’s interesting and rather pathetic how the knee jerk reaction and assumption by most therapists and preachers is to advise people to have sex [the strange thinking I pick up from this seems to be that having sex solves any and all manner of life’s problems].
Of course, most Christians would advise people to have sex only with a spouse, but the fact remains that Christians and Non Christians seldom, if ever, present abstaining from sex as a possibility for adults past age 25, whether it pertains to singleness or in marriage
Nobody every considers celibacy an option in any conversations about marital problems [or in other contexts, ones for single people].
Sex is always just assumed as something everyone should have, or is having, and should be striving to have, even by Christian marital counselors and by preachers, and even though the Apostle Paul wrote that a married couple can make a deliberate choice to abstain from sex for an agreed upon amount of time.
I remember reading a book by a pair of Christian authors about singleness, and they discussed another book they had read by a Christian author who wrote about sex, marriage, and so forth.
The authors remarked that the guy who wrote about sex and marriage completely glossed over, or tried to explain away, or downplay, any passages esteeming or encouraging celibacy, and I believe that includes Paul’s writings of 1 Corinthians 7, which are as follows (to married couples):
- Do not deprive one another except with consent for a time, that you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again so that Satan does not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. But I say this as a concession, not as a commandment.
If you have seen the writings or commentaries of biblical gender complementarian male preachers such as Mark Driscoll, John Piper, and C.J. Mahaney, you know they feel that married men are entitled to sex however and whenever they want. They would probably dispute that characterization of their views, but I feel despite any qualifiers they pepper their blogs and books with, that is their ultimate position.
In their writings, books, speeches, and sermons, they show little to no concern for women, a woman’s libido, or a woman’s health or feelings. Male gender complementarian preachers are predominantly interested in the man getting his lusts fulfilled.
That is why one will see them say or write that even if a woman is feeling physically sick, she should still have sex with her husband.
Many women experience light to intense physical pain non-stop for three to four to several days in a row during their period, which may include for some women, flu-like symptoms.
Some women experience very, very painful stomach cramps (if you are a male who has ever had severe diarrhea with stomach cramps, the cramps women get during their periods feel like that – they are very painful), some women experience backaches, etc, during their period, and having sex (or going to a job, or exercising, doing housework, or doing anything. at. all.) is the last thing a woman will want to do during her period.
Some women are incapable of doing anything but curling up into a ball on their side during the painful stomach cramps and spasms and crying from agony. Yet some idiot male preachers think even during such pain, these women should be willing to have sex with the husband, that they should even care that the hubs is going without.
I believe it is Driscoll who wrote in a book about marriage that if a woman is having her period, that there are other ways she can sexually entertain her spouse (I think he advises anal intercourse, for example).
This recommendation that a wife do anything at all sexually to or for her husband, even if she is in pain or upset, is staggering in its selfishness and insensitivity.
This is also tied into a concept I’ve brought up before on this blog:
A lot of Christians – now, I expect this thinking from Non Christians, but Christians? – have this warped view that abstaining from sex for longer than ten minutes at a stretch is IMPOSSIBLE! for any MERE MORTAL!
Only a god can forgo sex, they think, or only a “chosen few gifted by God with celibacy (which is assumed to be “low libido”)” are strong enough to go without sex.
Men such as Driscoll live in this immature, bizarro world where going without sex for five minutes is thought a cruel, cruel, hardship that no human can survive, and that no man can possibly accomplish.
(Men such as Driscoll also tend to be blind to the fact that women are sexual, want sex, enjoy sex, and have their own sexual preferences.)
The fact is, celibacy is possible by everyone, not just a “chosen few”.
The Bible teaches that all Christians have the Holy Spirit, who makes self control possible. Ergo, a Christian (and even Non Christians who lack the Spirit) can go without sex. A person may experience strong sexual urges, but will not die from lack of sex.
I’m stunned that so many people, Christians included, assume that having sex is a salve for all of life’s problems, or if you’re not having sex, it’s assumed that may be a cause for your problems.
I pick up this undercurrent in blog posts, books, etc, by preachers that if a couple can just have sex (and it has to be regular, super sex), their problems will be glossed over.
Anyway, there is no acknowledgment in Christian community that even married Christian men are capable of sexual self control, and that they should at times practice chastity. That is, the Bible does not say that chastity is for singles only.
C J Mahaney (who is a preacher) told a story at an appearance he made at some kind of Christian conference a few years ago that I’ve read about online. Mahaney told a story, with much glee, that his wife had sex with him even though she did not feel like it – the specific incident involved her being pregnant at the time and having morning sickness.
This Mahaney guy thought it was great, amusing and/or a wonderful sign of her wifely submission that she went ahead and slept with him even though she was ill. According to one version I read on the internet, he said after they had sex, she went and puked because she felt ill.
Wouldn’t a guy who is truly a Christian, who is seeking to serve his wife as Christ served and loved the church, be more than willing to go without sex for days, weeks, and months if his wife was sick, depressed, pregnant, or undergoing a lot of stress?
Is this verse not in their Bibles:
1 Corinthians 7:5.
- Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.
Your usual, sexist Christian, sex obsessed preacher only sees the “do not deprive yourself” part, takes that as a green light to mean a woman should always put out for the husband no matter what, while ignoring the rest of the passage, the point of it, which goes on to explain that yes, a married couple can in fact agree to go without sex for some determined amount of time.
Not many things are more pathetic to this never married, yes- I- have- a- libido- and -want- to- have- sex, 40-something woman, than to see grown men in their 30s and older, particularly married preachers who ought to know better, such as Mark Driscoll, gripe and bitch in their books, blogs, sermons and pod casts about having to go without sex for like five days (boo hoo, five whole days? Try over three decades without, you immature idiots) because the wife is having her period or having some sort of life crisis.
All of this is followed by more revulsion and incredulity by me at how such married male preachers erect these arguments or rationalizations to explain away passages such as 1 Corinthians 7:5 to come up with things such as “Plan B” which is:
“Wives, if you cannot participate in vaginal intercourse due to your monthly visitor (or some other problem), consider blow jobs or anal! Your poor widdle husband cannot possibly survive without some form or sex for a few days.” 🙄
This immature and selfish view by some married Christian men that they are “owed” regular sex by their wives, even if the wife is sick or depressed, also goes to show that the old Christian stereotype that marriage automatically makes a person more loving, giving, and godly is FALSE.
I’ve also been meaning to do another post pointing out another oddity I’ve noticed about sexual attitudes in Christianity, which is, preachers usually assume married women are frigid ice queens who hate sex and who have to be guilted or lectured to “put out” more for their poor, sex starved husbands, while at the same time, those same women, these preachers think, prior to being married (while they are single), are assumed to be sexually insatiable whores who are boinking a new man every night. Maybe I’ll do that post soon.
Related posts this blog:
(Link): More Married Couples Admit to Sexless Marriages (various articles) / Christians promise you great frequent sex if you wait until marriage, but the propaganda is not true
(Link): Prejudiced Writer Stupidly Blames Slutty Halloween Costumes and Societal Ills on Childless the Childfree, and Unmarried Adults – but Married people and parents are not perfect either
(Link): False Christian Teaching: “Only A Few Are Called to Singleness and Celibacy” or (also false): God’s gifting of singleness is rare – More Accurate: God calls only a few to marriage and God gifts only the rare with the gift of Marriage
(Link): Obnoxious and Sexist Preacher Mark Driscoll Wants Christian Singles to Stay Single Indefinitely – And Even Though Unwanted, Prolonged Singleness has Been a Huge Issue For Christian Singles for A Couple Decades Now – Driscoll: ‘Christians should not marry pro choicers’
(Link): Why Christians Need to Uphold Lifelong Celibacy as an Option for All Instead of Merely Pressuring All to Marry – vis a vis Sexless Marriages, Counselors Who Tell Marrieds that Having Affairs Can Help their Marriages