More Christian Dating Advice (for teens) That Will Keep Singles Single (book: Dateable by Justin Lookadoo)

More Christian Dating Advice (for teens) That Will Keep Singles Single

A lot of dating advice Christian writers hand out to teens is pretty similar to that given to people in their late twenties and older, and the majority of it is lame, sexist, stupid, and ineffective. Christian dating and relationship advice and gender role views keep singles single.

I usually do not read a lot of secular or Christian dating, marriage, relationship blogs, columns, or books (or it may be more accurate to say that while on occasion I read them, I never follow their advice), because the advice is useless and laughable.

According to some of the web pages I’ve seen about this guy and his book and advice (Dateable by Justin Lookadoo), he offers an online quiz on his site to help you assess how “dateable” you are.

Lookadoo is one of those people who delights in telling singles “and that’s why you’re still single,” which is a phenomenon that sometimes annoys me, as people who do this assume if you are single, it’s because you are flawed.

Are some singles single because they are weird, smell bad, are overweight, socially awkward, bitter, or possess some other negative trait? Yes. I’ve met them or have seen them before.

But there are a lot of normal, attractive, bright, engaging singles who are single either because they choose to be, or they simply are having a difficult time meeting quality singles their age.

There is no need to make a blanket assumption that every single single is unattached due to being weird, fat, ugly, or undesirable for some other reason.

According to one reviewer on Amazon who left comments about the guy’s “Dateable” book, the author dabbles in some of the standard Christian gender stereotyping, which serves to keep singles single; here is part of what she wrote about his book:

DO NOT GIVE THIS BOOK TO YOUR KIDS OR ANY KIDS AT ALL
(1 star out of 5)
By Jessica R. Bauch on June 1, 2013

They [Christian relationship books such as Dateable] teach girls that all men are out for is sex and that they should just say no to the “bait” that gets tossed to them, meaning now they’ll assume any kind of nice gesture towards them is a play for sex and never learn the very important skill of differentiating between the two. Tells boys to “be powerful,” whatever that means.

Another reviewer:

Most terrible read ever
By Kirsten Peterson on June 20, 2013
(1 star out of 5)

Unless you want your children to inadvertently learn misogynistic principles and promote rape culture do not buy this book or even look at it!
It uses fear tactics and gross generalizations to give kids an inaccurate view of dating.
Instead of empowering them to make smart decisions this book belittles all teens by saying that all boys are heartless sex driven monsters and all girls are fragile over-emotional princesses.
Terrible, terrible,terrible book!
If I believed in banning books this would be at the top of my list.

Here are more links about this guy’s book, and how when he was invited to speak at a high school, it ticked off a lot of people:

(Link): The 6 Creepiest Things About R U Dateable’s Justin Lookadoo

Excerpts:

By Brittanie Shey
Thu., Nov. 14 2013 at 1:00

Among his (Lookadoo’s) nuggets of wisdom: Dateable girls “know when to shut up,” and datable guys are “real men” who are “stronger and more dangerous” than girls.

… Lookadoo’s website shows his philosophy is firmly rooted in Conservative Christian doctrine, with references to God scattered throughout. Nevermind that his Dateable rules seem like a dumbed-down, teen-friendly version of the controversial 1995 sexist self-help guide also called The Rules.

… But the most troubling aspects of Justin Lookadoo’s philosophy don’t stop at his message to teens. Let’s have a look at just who Justin Lookadoo is.

.. 2. He’s A Creeper, Part 1.

On his website, Lookadoo.com, Justin Lookadoo lists his age as “legal in every state.”

Ohhh, I get it. A statutory rape joke. Funny!

(Here’s a link to (Link): the PDF of his FAQ’s, presumably given to people who want to hire him, which says the same.)

… And in (Link): this interview, Lookadoo describes his spouse as his “loud-mouthed, skydiving, WEIGHT-LIFTING” wife. For what it’s worth, he also says he met her at a restaurant and refers to her as his “wife-to-go.”

…6. He Perpetuates Rape Culture.

Saying that “men of God are wild, not domesticated” is tantamount to saying that men are animals who can’t control their urges. Saying that girls who are datable “know how to shut up” is tantamount to saying that women should have no voice, shouldn’t protest, and shouldn’t complain afterwards. This is the very definition of rape culture.

(Link): Texas High School Holds Assembly Featuring Misogynistic Christian [and Dating Advice] Speaker [Justin Lookadoo], So Students Complain on Twitter (from “The Friendly Atheist” blog)

(Link): Smart Texas High Schoolers Lambast Dickhead Lecturer on Twitter

by CALLIE BEUSMAN

Yesterday, Richardson High School — which is a non-denominational public school outside of Dallas — brought in a raving misogynistic Christian dating coach to give a lecture to its students. His basic thesis: God says that women should shut up if they want boyfriends.

The speaker, who bears the unfortunate name Justin Lookadoo and styles his hair like a sea urchin with frosted tips, has authored several faith-based dating books — including Dateable: Are You? Are They, The Dateable Rules, and Chat Room Chatter: The Buzz on Prom Dates, Superheroes, and the Universe at Large. So, Dating Expert Justin Lookadoo, what makes someone dateable?

According to (Link): his website [“R. U. Dateable”], dateability is different for men and women. Dateable GIRL RULES include:

Accept your girly-ness. You’re a girl. Be proud of all that means. You are soft, you are gentle, you are a woman. Don’t try to be a guy. Guys like you because you are different from them. So let your girly-ness soar.

Be mysterious. Dateable girls know how to shut up. They don’t monopolize the conversation. They don’t tell everyone everything about themselves. They save some for later. They listen more than they gab.

Need him. Dateable girls know that guys need to be needed. A Dateable girl isn’t Miss Independent. She knows we are made for community. Needing each other is part of faith. She allows him to be needed at times, knowing he was called to serve just as much as she was.

Dateable BOY RULES are more along the lines of “Dating men are conquerors who wrap their women in modesty shrouds”:

Being a guy is good. Dateable guys know they aren’t as sensitive as girls and that’s okay. They know they are stronger, more dangerous, and more adventurous and that’s okay. Dateable guys are real men who aren’t afraid to be guys.

Men of God are wild, not domesticated. Dateable guys aren’t tamed. They don’t live by the rules of the opposite sex. They fight battles, conquer lands, and stand up for the oppressed.

Keep it covered up. Dateable guys know that porn is bad for the spirit and the mind. They keep women covered up.

On the (Link): Dateable Quiz (you will fail it.), he makes it clear that women should talk as little as possible. He also implies that letting your date know that you’ve been served something that you’re allergic to is NOT ACCEPTABLE. If you tell your potential boyfriend that your throat is closing up and you’re developing hives all over your body, what mystery will remain for later? None. He will never call you back and God will shed a single crystalline tear into His beard. The boys’ Dateable Quiz, conversely, seems to be pretty much all about never spending time alone with a woman so you don’t give into your carnal desires. Healthy!

Here’s a page from one of Lookadoo’s books, via (Link): Patheos [“You Are Not Your Own:” Women are objects, or weaker animals]:

Patheos (Link): reports that throughout the book Lookadoo refers to women as prey to be hunted by men, fish being hooked on bait, meat (three times), uncharted territory for men to conquer, and clothing for men to buy.

According to an (Link): Amazon review of Dateable, the book contains this terrifying sentence: “If you go too tight, too short, or too low-cut [in your clothing choices], you are no longer a person to get to know but an object to use.”

According to the (Link): Dallas Observer, several concerned parents contacted the school administration after visiting Lookadoo’s website. In the words of Dr. Jaime Clark-Soles, the mother of an RHS student and a professor at Southern Methodist University: “I am extremely troubled by the fact that Richardson High School would bring in an ‘expert’ speaker who holds the dangerous, misogynistic views that advance a rape culture such as those expressed on his website.” In response, the assembly was postponed; it was then made optional instead of mandatory.

Brilliantly, the students of RHS fought back in the most teenly way possible: they created a hashtag, #Lookadouche, on which they mocked and eviscerated the school’s decision to have him speak and the contents of his lecture. Some highlights:

@NateBeer
At this rate, our speaker on Friday will be Ritchie Incognito #Lookadouche

Grant Goldate @ggtheg
Dont you guys just love listening to sexist comments, irrational comparisons and blunt stereotypes w/o actual proof or evidence?#lookadouche

sydney stephens @stephens_sydney
What are we mad about?! I love being called a vindictive, evil, creature! Someone boss me around because I have ovaries! #lookadouche

MidAbsentia @MidAbsentia
Follow
So he’s compared girls to dogs, cars…. What other demeaning/objectifying comparisons will we see next? #lookadouche

According to Twitter, several students walked out in protest.

By the end of the day, the administration sent out a tepid pseudo-apology:

“RHS and RISD approve of the broad messages shared with students related to self-empowerment and dating violence, but do not support some of the terminology used by the speaker to generalize student behaviors.”

Uhh. I must have missed the self-empowerment part of his message?

As horrifying and unbelievable that it is that someone like Lookadoo could make a living as a lecturer at high schools around the country, it’s both hilarious and heartening to see how these students responded. Even if the school won’t fully admit its accountability, the student body isn’t buying any of its bullshit. And that’s great.

Excerpts from (Link): “You Are Not Your Own:” Women are objects, or weaker animals by Sarah Moon

Jul 2013

This post is part of a series called “You Are Not Your Own,” focusing on rape and sexual assault in Christian relationship/dating books

Trigger Warning for rape, sexual assault, victim blaming, sexism

…. While the books dehumanize men in ways that put them in the role of aggressors and hunters, the dehumanization of women puts women in the role of prey, or objects to be won or bought.
Women are Weaker Animals, or Objects
The book Dateable is the worst on this front, and is constantly dehumanizing women. The book describes them as:
Prey to be hunted by men (p. 182)
Fish being hooked on bait (p. 82)
Meat (p. 108, 110, 118)
Uncharted territory for men to conquer (p. 182)
Clothes for men to buy (p. 129)
I Kissed Dating Goodbye avoided dehumanizing language toward women, but Real Marriage and When God Writes Your Love Story also treated women as objects. The latter two books, however, reject the hostile, violent-sounding objectification present in Dateable (oh my god, that book talks about us being HUNTED) in favor of a more benevolent approach. For example, in Real Marriage, the Driscolls describe women as pieces of property, not to be conquered, but to be explored:

Too many men are more like conquerors than explorers. They get married—which is akin to landing on the beach of an unexplored land—yet fail to explore the landscape…Our wives do not want to be conquered; they want to be explored emotionally. (p. 51)

… While men’s dehumanization partially absolves them of responsibility for their actions [as presented in these Christian dating and marital advice books], women’s dehumanization often puts a greater burden on them, holding them responsible for the way men treat them.

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Related posts, this blog:

(Link): How (Married) Christians and Christian Teachings About Dating/Marriage Are Keeping Single Christians Single Part 1

(Link): Christian Gender and Sex Stereotypes Act as Obstacles to Christian Singles Who Want to Get Married (Not All Men Are Obsessed with Sex)

(Link): How Christians Keep Christians Single (part 3) – Restrictive Gender Roles Taught as Biblical

(Link): How Married Christians And Christian Teachings About Dating / Marriage Are Keeping Single Christians Single, Part 2

(Link): Boy Bands, Rock Singers, and Other High School Crushes – Yes, Women Are Visually Stimulated and Visually Oriented

(Link): Groundbreaking News: Women Like Sex (part 1, 2) (articles)

(Link): Ryan Gosling and Shirtless, Buff Cowboy Photos on Social Media – Yes, Women Are Visually Stimulated and Visually Oriented (Part 2)

(Link): Are men LESS into sex than they realize? New study (article)

(Link): Atlantic: “The case for abandoning the myth that ‘women aren’t visual.’”

(Link): Women Reading and Enjoying Erotica (Fifty Shades of Grey) Yes, Females Are Interested In Sex – Contrary to Gender Stereotypes