Myths About Never Married Adults Over Age 40
(Link): 10 Myths About Singles Over 40 (excerpts are below)
My comments on the topic:
I don’t think people realize that some of us who arrive at 40 or older and have never married did date and were engaged in the past, but for whatever reason, those relationships did not lead to marriage.
I tire of the negative assumptions that if you’ve not married by 40, it’s because there is something wrong with you, nobody else showed interest in you, or you never, ever dated previously.
I was engaged in my early 30s but realized the guy was not right for me, so I broke up with him. I could have married the guy. But I knew I would have been miserable if I had.
You should not assume that someone is still single at 40+ because they were never engaged, never dated, and never tried. Sometimes people do get engaged in their 20s and 30s, have to break up, and don’t manage to meet a compatible partner for years – and that is not that person’s fault.
It is incredibly difficult to meet a decent life partner the older you get. I marvel at people who fall into marriage after marriage (eg, Liz Taylor) just as easy as some of us change our socks daily. I don’t know how these people marry so easily and quickly. It’s not so easy for the rest of us.
I have also come to loathe the books and magazine articles that purport to explain to singles “why you are still single,” as these are nothing but typically victim-blaming and shame-inducing pieces.
I have seen some never married adults in my life who yes, had issues, and it was somewhat obvious to me why they had never married, but I’d say the vast majority of never married adults who want to be married are not socially awkward, physically unattractive, or weird.
(Link): 10 Myths About Singles Over 40
- By Dana Robinson
Let’s say you’re checking out someone who just might be your soul mate. Maybe a friend sent you a link to this person’s Facebook page after you agreed to be set up on a blind date, or perhaps you were matched up via an online dating site.
You’re digging this person’s pictures, winning smile and non-smoker status…then, you notice that your potential life partner is past 40 and has never been married.
Suddenly, your excitement does a swan dive into a pool of doubt, suspicion, and — let’s face it — stereotypes and myths about the perpetually unmarried. If your prospective beloved has never been married, it’s clearly due to anger management issues or a cat-hoarding obsession, right?
But if you let those kinds of assumptions guide all of your dating decisions, then you just might be missing out on finding The One. Your first step on the road to an awesome relationship should be questioning these common myths about the never-been-married dater… regardless of whether you’re a man or a woman.
Top five misconceptions about over-40 bachelors:
1. “He’s probably a jerk.”
Well, it’s true that he might be — but there are plenty of men out there who have been married who have the exact same character flaws.
When it comes to online dating sites, this particular trait is more likely to reveal itself in places like photos and usernames (i.e., he’s shirtless in front of the bathroom mirror with a username like RichHotLover75).
If so, marital status notwithstanding, he might be a jerk… or he might just be clueless on how to make the right impression on women.
3. “He’s a commitment-phobe who’ll never marry.”
In this case, the exact opposite might be true. Perhaps he was laser-focused on settling down before now, but his ex-girlfriend decided that she wasn’t quite ready to take the plunge when he proposed.
We’ve all bet on the wrong partner before at some point in our lives, and there’s no reason to punish the guy simply because his previous relationships didn’t work out.
Top five myths about unmarried women over 40:
1. “She’s too ‘difficult’ for any man to deal with.”
That word can refer to anything from someone who’s hard to please to someone who simply has her own ideas and isn’t willing to do what everyone else wants her to do — and neither interpretation is necessarily a character flaw.
“The modern woman, at any age, is [very] independent,” says relationship blogger Anjana Dixon of The Anjana Network. “And if a man wants to go from stereotyping to making a real connection, he must go about his search with an open mind.”
That “difficulty” that you think you’ve identified in someone’s personality may just be what makes her the perfect mate… for you.
2. “She’s desperate.”
Lack of a past marriage doesn’t mean that she’ll accept a ring (much less a date) from just anybody.
Maybe she’s been working her way through medical school or caring for an elderly relative until now, or feels no sense of urgency about children.
So don’t go into the situation thinking that your B-game will suffice, because this woman just might end up dumping you before the waiter’s even taken your drink order on date #2.
3. “She’s too picky.”
We all have the right to select the partner that’s right for us, and it’s possible that The One simply hasn’t crossed her path quite yet.
Resisting the temptation to marry to the wrong person just for the sake of getting married should be applauded, not vilified — wouldn’t you like to be given the same courtesy?
4. “She doesn’t know how to be in a serious relationship.”
“Remember that ‘never married’ does not mean ‘has never been in a serious, committed relationship,’” says psychologist Dr. Holly Parker.
There’s no reason to think that a woman who’s never been engaged is in any way ignorant of how to be a good long-term partner. Parker notes that “we tend to only pay attention to whatever confirms our stereotypical beliefs, and we ignore anything that contradicts it.”
So, in the interest of broadening your own horizons, Parker recommends looking past the lack of marital status and instead paying attention to any aspects of her personality that may indicate that she’s kind and easy to get along with before you pass judgment.
5. “She’s already married to her job.”
These days, you can’t really blame anyone for working 60 hours a week — it may be the only way to ensure that you still have a job next month. But the truth is that women can (and do) successfully juggle relationships along with their demanding careers. And hey, if you can manage to balance both, remember that she can, too!
Related posts this blog