Christian Stereotypes About Female Sexuality : All Unmarried Women Are Supposedly Hyper Sexed Harlots – But All Married Ones are Supposedly Frigid or Totally Uninterested in Sex
❗ (The post ahead may contain some rough or crass language. It contains adult material of a sexy nature.) ❗
I have alluded to these particular stereotypes in posts I made over a year ago in several different posts, but I feel this topic deserves its own post.
I am in my early forties now, and still a virgin. For many years, I waited for marriage to have sex.
I was waiting for the Christian spouse Christian culture said God would send me (if I prayed, waited, had faith, etc, all of which I did. I also tried dating sites). That “Mr Right” never showed.
During all this time, and even before, when I was a teenager, I couldn’t help but notice in sermons I saw on television, in Christian books, magazines, advice columns, and pamphlets, and now, these days, on blogs or podcasts I’ve seen or listened to, that Christians have some peculiar stereotypes about female sexuality.
Not that Non-Christian culture does not have its weird views about women and sex too, but as this post focuses on Christian views, I’d like to stick to that.
One topic I’ve discussed plenty on this blog is the old trope that men are visual and women are not. That simply is not true. Many women are visually oriented too. But I’m not here to blog about that in this post since I’ve blogged on it before.
–CHRISTIAN STEREOTYPE: SUPPOSEDLY ALL SINGLE CHRISTIAN WOMEN HAVE HUGE, UNCONTROLLABLE SEX DRIVES AND SLEEP AROUND A LOT–
Another cliche’ I’ve seen from Christians is that single Christian women are hyper sexed harlots who bang ten different men every night, and above all, (the rest of this stereotype goes), the Christian single woman’s highest agenda is to have affairs with married men.
Never mind those cliches and stereotypes about single women are not true, Christians love to think they are, and they like to promote such thinking in books, blogs, radio shows and sermons about women, marriage, sex, and dating. (This is especially true of evangelical, Reformed, Baptist, and Fundamentalist Christians.)
Ergo, Christian single and married men are regularly coached in books, blogs, radio shows, pod casts, sermons, and other Christian media, and usually by male preachers, but also by insecure Christian wives, to stay the hell away from single Christian women.
I am a single woman (I was engaged once, years ago). I’ve never had sex. I don’t find most married men attractive. I would never have an affair with a married man, even if I did find one attractive. I can and do control my sex drive. But none of these facts matter to most Christians.
I am still regarded with suspicion by many Christians, just for being single. I am still deemed a Sexual Threat by Christian Culture for being single and female and nothing more.
I find this Christian stereotype of Christian single women being promiscuous sluts, or as being potential ones ready to detonate instantly with any and every man, extremely offensive.
Of course, married Christians and Christian dating advice books do not come right out and slap the label “promiscuous slut” on Christian single women when discussing Christian single women, but it’s assumed to be so.
After all, Christian men are told if they stay in a car with a single, Christian woman, or are alone with her any where (at a coffee shop, restaurant, office, house, etc), that it will always lead to sex, or probably will lead to sex.
–CHRISTIAN STEREOTYPE and married christian man fantasy: SINGLE CHRISTIAN WOMEN SUPPOSEDLY WANT TO BOINK EVEN UGLY, FAT, OLD MARRIED MEN–
It is assumed in a lot of Christian teaching on dating, the genders, and marriage, that all Christian men want casual sex and cannot control themselves, and that all single, Christian women have no standards or ability to resist such men, or that they are sexually aggressive and will intentionally prey on men, especially married ones.
SIDE NOTE
- (I don’t know why married Christians assume that married men – especially middle aged to older, who are usually balding, out of shape, with beer guts, are such irresistible cat nip to un-married, Christian women.
I have higher physical specimen standards than that, thank you.
No, I don’t want to have sex with your 370 pound, hair- on- his- back, balding- on- the- head husband.
It’s insulting that married Christian culture or unattractive married men themselves assume attractive, single woman want to bed unattractive, married men.)
–CHRISTIAN STEREOTYPES CAN LEAD TO LOSS OF FELLOWSHIP AND FRIENDS FOR SINGLE, ADULT WOMEN–
One thing the stereotype of “all single women are sluts or potential sluts who will sleep with your husband” does is discourage Christian married couples, or single men, from so much as forming platonic friendships with single women.
What happens? Single Christian women often end up very lonely and alone.
Nobody invites single women out for movies, or over for home cooked dinners, or over for the holidays.
Christians go against the Bible’s teachings and refuse to provide fellowship equally for all – they give single women the cold shoulder.
➡ –CHRISTIAN STEREOTYPE: ALL OR MOST MARRIED CHRISTIAN WOMEN HATE SEX AND REFUSE TO HAVE SEX WITH THEIR HUSBANDS–
At the same time we have this bizarre and incredibly demeaning stereotype by Christians about all single Christian women being floozies, there is another stereotype I see about married Christian women.
I have watched many sermons on Christian television over the years. I also have read Christian magazine articles and books, going back to my teen years.
In the past few years, I have read blogs and sites, including editorials or articles about “marriage, family and sexuality” on Christian sites. (And I’m talking about professional sites, by groups such as Probe Ministries, Focus on the Family, etc, not only little “Mom and Pop” blogs, like mine here.)
I have seen a pattern come up repeatedly since my youth and it continues in my adulthood, in Christian content:
many preachers, and Christian broadcast or published content, assume that married Christian women are frigid, they hate sex, are reluctant to have sex, and / or prefer emotional intimacy or non-sexual hobbies (such as knitting socks or potting house plants) to having sex with their spouses.
Let us take a quick review.
➡ Married Christians and Christian authors who write books on relationships for Christians, often assume that
–single, Christian women want sex all day and all night with one million different partners, and even go out and literally have sex with one million men per week,
—but—,
they also frequently assume
-once a Christian woman becomes married, that any and all libido or sexual desire disappears
➡ I cannot figure this out, how so many Christians get from
> “Single women are on fire sexually, around the clock, and want hot sex all day and will fornicate like rabbits and chase married men for sex; therefore, men must be wary and cautious of single women!,”
~~~~ to ~~~~~,
>“Once that same single woman marries, she never wants sex and becomes a frozen Ice Queen in the bedroom, you poor, married, sexless men.”
I have seen, read, or heard, zillions of sermons, Christian booklets, blogs, magazine articles, and forums over the years filled with advice by married Christian men (sometimes they are married preachers giving this advice in sermons, sometimes they are non-preachers doling this advice out in forums to Christian men) on how they can please their wives into giving up sex, or having sex more often.
Usually, though, rather than the males telling other males how to be better husbands, so that the wife will want to have sex, the wives are guilt-tripped, shamed, or blamed by males for not performing like randy, horny, X-rated porn stars.
–CHRISTIAN STUPIDITY: PREACHING TO THE CHOIR–
Some preachers think they have to explain to married women that men really, really, really enjoy sex, want sex, and like sex. As if women did not already know this.
My God Almighty, that most men are supposedly after nothing but sex from a female is one of the very first things we females are aware of in our pre-teens, as our mothers and fathers or Sunday School teachers tell us about how some males will try to get into our skirts at any and all costs and use tricks to do so, so be on the alert, girls.
So why in the holy hell do these preachers think it necessary to tell grown, Christian married women that men want sex?
Even single women are aware of this stereotype about men.
Tell us something we do not know for a change.
–CHRISTIAN MALES AND PREACHERS CONSTANTLY TELLING WIVES WHAT SEXUAL ACTS TO PERFORM AND HOWEVER OFTEN THE HUSBAND WANTS IT–
Preacher Mark Driscoll (who is one of the most obnoxious, sexist preachers ever) is infamous for misusing the Biblical book “Song of Songs” to insist to the ladies in his congregation that God expects or demands that wives suck on their husband’s dicks.
I usually don’t get crass, but sometimes, I have to make a point, and to do that, I have to use strong language.
Now, while I am not anti-sex, I personally have zero interest in engaging in certain sexual acts myself, such as … sucking on a man’s dick. (I note that some Christians would probably still be uncomfortable with me using the word “penis” there, heh.)
But this is, from what I gather, one of most men’s biggest sexual fantasies, because they don’t shut up about it on forums (even on the PG rated, Christian-type forums about relationships), and they whine and complain their wives don’t want to suck on their dicks.
I am not going to sugar coat of gloss over the particular sex act that Mark Driscoll insists the Bible commands wives to perform, by using the phrase “oral sex” or “fellatio.” (Even “blow job” sugar coats things a bit.)
Most women – maybe not all, but most – do not find the idea of sucking on a man’s dick appealing.
In my 40 some odd years on earth, I’ve only come across a grand total of maybe two to three women who ever felt
1. they find dicks attractive
2. they enjoy sucking on a guy’s dick
-And those are women who enjoy sex, some who were Non Christian who had pre-marital sex.
Most women say they would feel like a whore performing such an act, and most women find that doing something that makes them feel like a whore is demeaning and degrading. It doesn’t turn them on or make them feel alluring or sexy.
–WHAT ABOUT THE WOMAN’S SPECIFIC SEXUAL PREFERENCES? – DOUBLE STANDARDS–
By the way, I’ve also noticed in most Christian material about sex and marriage, is that while often a man’s preferred sexual acts are clearly mentioned, a woman’s are not.
Some women, for instance, enjoy men performing oral sex on them, but I’ve yet to hear a male preacher tell husbands to perform that act on their wives, if the wife wants it.
Why is that? I sometimes hear male preachers lecture or shame the wives to give the husbands oral sex; why do I never hear vice versa?
Why do I never hear male preachers telling the husbands to stay attractive, thin, in-shape, and to perform sexual acts on the the wives that the WIVES would enjoy?
Why are the particular sexual habits and specific sex acts of what MEN want addressed in most Christian sermons, books, and blogs, but not what some WOMEN want or prefer?
Driscoll, who again, is a well known preacher in some circles, also gave a vulgar sermon about sex while a guest speaker at another church.
Driscoll wrote a book called “Real Marriage,” which was more like an X-rated porno book than a Christian marriage book. (You can read more about some of those topics here: (Link): Real Depravity Re Mark Driscoll)
If I remember correctly (after having read excerpts from Driscoll’s marriage book online), in the book, Driscoll instructs wives to have sex with their husbands, even if they are having their periods, and he advises anal intercourse as one work-around.
I’m not sure if this Driscoll caveman is aware of it or not, but many women have terrible, flu like symptoms or stomach cramps during their periods:
if they don’t want a penis in their vagina during that time, they sure as hell won’t want one in their anus or mouth either. Get a clue, you selfish male bastards.
You CAN live without sex for several days in a row while your wife is menstruating, tired, sick, depressed, or whatever she is enduring. You husbands are NOT entitled to sex whenever or however and how frequently you want it.
–GLASS OF WATER ANALOGY–
I recall seeing one sermon by preacher Ed Young Sr. on television about seven or eight years ago about marital sex. He had a glass of water on stage, sitting on a stool, to make an illustration.
Young Sr. was trying to shame, convince and/or browbeat the married Christian women in the viewing audience to ‘put out’ regularly.
Unless Young Sr had dozens and dozens of husbands lining up to meet with him daily to complain their wives don’t like sex and were not having sex with them, I’m at a loss to understand why Ed Young Sr. felt it necessary to give the sermon he did about this.
In his sermon, Young Sr. used the “glass of water” analogy.
Young Sr. told the married women to pretend that they were the only ones in the world who could give their husbands a sip from that water. If their husband is dying of thirst, the wife should reach over and grab the glass, and let the spouse drink from it.
There are two things I found odd and troubling about this sermon:
1. Ed Young Sr. has apparently never heard of (Link): masturbation. If a married man isn’t getting it as much as he likes from his spouse, he can always go back alone to his bedroom with his hand to keep him company.
2. Why is Young Sr. assuming that he needs to scold, shame, lecture, cajole, or convince the married Christian ladies in the audience to have sex with their spouses?
Again, unless this preacher had hordes of married men from his church knocking on his office door all day for weeks complaining their wives are totally not interested in sex, what gives?
3. Different people have different sex drives.
Some of these male preachers, such as Driscoll and Young Sr, seem to assume that because they are horny constantly or cannot stand going without sex for longer than five minutes or a day, that all other males must be the same. They’re not.
Some men like sex just fine but don’t feel they need it daily or weekly.
Then there are men who have physical health issues, job stress, or whatever, and they are not interested in sex too much or are too tired for it.
I’ve known women who were married to guys who got bored with sex (that is, the HUSBANDS got bored with sex). In these marriage, some of these husbands (who were in their late 20s or 30s) preferred playing video games or watching TV, or whatever other hobby, to having sex.
(Edit. These ladies volunteered this information to me. Some ladies like to bond with other ladies over very personal details, including sexual habits of their spouses or boyfriends. I don’t go around asking them about these things. I think I would prefer them to keep it to themselves, actually.)
Some of the married women I knew in these situations where the husband preferred watching football or playing video games to sex were the ones frustrated: they, the wives, wanted sex, but the husband did not.
In these same sermons, or in the “for the men” sermons, these same preachers give to the males, they almost always assume that married women don’t like sex and are dis-interesed in sex.
These preachers will tell the males that women are more interested in emotional intimacy, talking, connecting emotionally, and that women are not visually oriented but are “sexual crock pots” that take more time to get sexually aroused.
I’m not saying that some of these things are not true for some women – because some of them may very well be true for some women.
There may be a nugget of truth in some of these views for most women, but I find that many Christians blow these ‘gender differences’ things out of proportion, so that the end result is that married women come across in sermons, Christian books and sites, like robots who never feel sexual desire.
I find it insulting and ridiculous that we have this frequent disparity in Christian preaching and in books and blogs, that assumes that all unmarried women want sex all the time and have frequent pre-marital sex all the time,
but then,
these same Christians turn around and teach and assume that married Christian women have no interest in sex at all and must be convinced to have sex with their spouses more often.
I so far seem to be one of the few people who has noticed this. I’ve not seen it discussed on too many other sites before.
Single Christian women do not come with an ‘on/off’ switch for sex, not in the way preachers suggest in their sermons and books, in that they want sex while single but all the sudden change to not wanting sex right after marriage.
If a Christian woman experienced sexual desire prior to marriage, there’s a good chance she will retain that desire after marriage, barring big life changes such as pregnancy, job stress and so on, or excluding the fact her husband may be a terrible lover or there’s something wrong with him in some way.
But there you have it, one contradiction about women, sex, and marriage I see regularly by Christians, and it’s so annoying; supposedly, according to Christian culture:
1. single women want sex, and have sex frequently before marriage;
but
2. once married, women lose all sexual desire and refuse to have sex ever, unless a preacher shames them or convinces them to have sex with their spouses in sermons and books
By the way, some Christian marriages are sexless. I have many links about that, with examples, on my blog. Christians promise you when you are a teenager that if you remain a virgin until marriage, that the sex will be great. But sometimes, that is not so.
Many Christians (and Non Christians) have admitted in surveys and letters to advice columnists, the their married sex life is terrible, or they never have sex at all anymore – and sometimes, it’s because the HUSBAND does not want to have sex. It’s not always the wife in such marriages who wants to stop sex.
(Link): Resident Christian Marriage Advice Writer at Christian Mag Admits Some Christian Marriages are Sexless
(there are more links like that below)
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Related posts this blog:
(Link): Groundbreaking News: Women Like Sex (part 1, 2) (articles)
(Link): When society isn’t judging, women’s sex drive rivals men’s
(Link): Discipling Healthy Male/Female Relationships in the Church Part 1 by Wendy Alsup
(Link): The Annoying, Weird, Sexist Preoccupation by Christian Males with Female Looks and Sexuality
(Link): Married Woman Signing off as “Looking Ahead” Admits to Being in Sexless Marriage for TEN YEARS
(Link): Atlantic: “The case for abandoning the myth that ‘women aren’t visual.’”
(Link): Women Are Visual And Like Hot Looking Men (Part 1) Joseph in Genesis Was A Stud Muffin
(Link): Wife Writes to Ask Amy About Her Sexless Marriage October 2013
(Link): Married Women Engage in Sexual Sin – and most men in denial particularly Christian conservatives
(Link): Superman, Man Candy -and- Christian Women Are Visual And Enjoy Looking At Built, Hot, Sexy Men
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