Christian Early Marriage Position Advocates A Low View of Celibacy and Virginity and Adult Singleness – another example: Justin Deeter Blog about Early Marriage
Link is to Justin Deeter’s blog page:
(Link): A Case for Early Marriage: Why It’s a Good Idea to Get Married Young
Deeter’s page about early marriage contains several unbiblical positions, as well as a few naive stereotypes about marriage, and some, consequently, insensitive assumptions about singleness.
I would have left comments for Deeter below his blog page, but there was a notice saying that blog comments are closed, so I was unable to leave any remarks.
Early Marriage advocates are showing a high disregard for the biblical teachings of virginity- until- marriage, as well as celibacy, by their continued erroneous, unbiblical assumption that no adult can control his or her sexual impulses past a certain age.
These Christian early marriage proponents do NOT support or respect virginity.
I am sure they would pay lip service to the idea of virginity and celibacy, but in practice, no, they do not respect virginity.
Early marriage advocates won’t even attempt to defend the concept of virginity and the practice of sexual purity and self control, but instead “throw in the towel” and recommend that Christian youth get married before hitting 25 years of age or so.
The Bible does not advise any particular age at which to marry.
Some characters in the Bible did not marry until they hit age 40. See (Link): Article by J. Watts: The Scandal of Singleness for more about that.
While the Bible does talk in one New Testament passage about ‘marrying, rather than burning with lust,’ the Bible nowhere commands marriage by a certain age – but it does talk about self control. (More on that farther below.)
I don’t have much new to say about this guy’s page, because I have already written before how early marriage is not a solution, and how singles are not, contrary to what Deeter suggests on his blog page about early marriage, more prone to sexual sin than marrieds are (see excerpts below).
I did send him a Tweet on Twitter to this collection of links on my blog:
(Link): Marriage Does Not Make People More Loving Mature Godly Ethical Caring or Responsible (One Stop Thread) Confronting Refuting Correcting Rebutting Christian Propaganda Arguments Stereotypes About Marriage Married Matrimony
By the way, contrary to what Deeter says on his blog page, not only does being married NOT make a person impervious to sexual sin (more on that concept farther below as well), but marriage does not guarantee a person any sex at all, or, it does not guarantee regular, satisfying, great sex.
See for instance, these posts at my blog:
(Link): Marriage Doesn’t Necessarily Guarantee Great Sex or Any At All
(Link): Husband is Sexless for Eight Years (Getting Married Does Not Necessarily Guarantee Frequent Hot Satisfying Sexy Sex) (article)
Yeah, “Early Marriage” won’t prevent this situation (i.e., counselors telling married couples to engage in adultery to spice up their boring or sexless marriages):
(Link): Why Christians Need to Uphold Lifelong Celibacy as an Option for All Instead of Merely Pressuring All to Marry – vis a vis Sexless Marriages, Counselors Who Tell Marrieds that Having Affairs Can Help their Marriages
I have many, many more links on this blog of examples of married couples who are living in “sexless” marriages, including people who are Christians who were virgins when they were married, or links about Christian married couples who admit to having lousy sex lives.
— NOT A TABOO —
Most oddly, Justin Deeter (who says on his blog biography blurb in the margin that he is married and a preacher) claims that there is a “taboo” against early marriage.
I don’t think a hesitancy towards early marriage is a ‘taboo’ so much as that people, due to the changing nature of American life, don’t pursue marriage until their late twenties, and at that for the perfectly reasonable goals of finishing college and to start in a career; it’s a move based on wisdom and pragmatism, not an inherently anti-marriage view or feeling.
Based on other reading I have done about marriage, it was actually normal, past 40 or more years ago, for Americans not to marry until their late 20s; it was not until around the 1940s or 1950s that age of first marriage dropped down low, to the early twenties.
I’m not sure how accurate that information is, but I’ve seen it on other web sites, and I may have posted links to it on my own blog, though I cannot recall under which specific post.
The last U.S. census showed that up to 44% of American adults now are single, and that even among married couples, that many are not having children.
Those who are married with small children at home are in the minority these days. If I recall correctly, such families comprise only about 18% – 20% of the American population.
Preachers and churches should be dividing time, financial resources, and attention evenly between childed couples, as well as the childless people, and the un-married childless.
Most churches, however, continue to make an idol out of marriage and pro-creation, and rarely discuss adult singleness and celibacy from the pulpit, and they do not adequately fund adult singles ministries (most all funds in many churches are channeled into the ‘kiddie’ ministries).
—- WHY CHRISTIANS ARE NOT MARRYING AT ALL OR NOT UNTIL THEIR 30s OR OLDER —
Excerpts from Deeter’s blog page about early marriage, followed by comments by me:
- It is my personal belief and conviction that this can be harmful to human flourishing and a great hinderance for godly families within the church.
The reason people are marrying later, aside from changes in American life as noted above, is due to evangelical, fundamentalist, Reformed, and Baptist teaching about dating, marriage, sex, and gender roles, as I have blogged about many times before, see for example, posts such as:
In summary, it is Christian teachings about such topics that are contributing to delayed marriage among Christians.
It’s not feminism, liberalism, birth control pills, homosexuality, or hatred of marriage that is delaying marriage, but Christian attitudes, inaction, and teachings themselves.
One aspect of such teachings is that many Christians view getting married as a “magical” event, that it happens by magic.
That is, they expect if a single women would merely pray to Jesus, that in due time, that God will send “Mr. Right” into her life, with no effort on her part at all.
If said single Christian woman desires marriage and asks her church members or pastor for prayer about this issue, or, should she ask them to fix her on dates up with eligible, single Christian males (with the purpose of getting married in mind), she is likely to receive the following anti- marriage advice from these Christians, who purport to support singles getting married:
- 1. ‘You are making an idol of marriage’
2. ‘You should not pursue marriage by going on dates or using dating sites; just pray and trust in the Lord, and in his timing, he will send you a spouse’
3. ‘You should be content in your singleness. If God wants you married, he will send you a spouse.’
4. ‘Serve others, serve the church, don’t think about marriage, don’t try to get married’
The end result of such naive, unbiblical, superstitious views about singleness and how one goes about actually getting married, ends up with many singles who desire marriage remaining single into their 30s and 40s.
—- CHRISTIANITY HYPES, OVERSELLS MARRIAGE – DOES NOT DOWNPLAY IT, AS DEETER CLAIMS —
Excerpt by Deeter:
1. Marriage is a Great Gift
- The way many people talk about marriage, it seems like they were talking about a death sentence.
At times, one will, yes, hear Christians talk about how difficult marriage is, and all hard work involved at making a marriage work, but no, the overall depiction of marriage (and being a parent), by most Christians the majority of the time, is that it’s great and all should strive for it.
Marriage is esteemed to the point in Christian circles that married Christians have turned marriage into an idol, as I have blogged about time and again on this blog, such as,
(I have many, many such postings, too many to list here, please search this blog to find more):
(Link): If the Family Is Central, Christ Isn’t
(Link): Do You Rate Your Family Too High? (Christians Who Idolize the Family) (article)
(Link): Pastor Matthew Hagee: ‘God Has No Purpose for Single Women, Only Married Christian Ones’
(Link): The World Does Not Need More Marriage Sermons – They Don’t Stop Divorce or Get People Married
(Link): The Obligatory, “Oh, but if you’re single you can still benefit from my marriage sermon!” line
Far from “speaking negatively” of marriage as Deeter maintains, a lot of Christians, when speaking publicly, or from the pulpit, speak in such glowing terms of marriage, they have turned marriage (and having children) into an IDOL.
It’s not singles who desire marriage who have made marriage an idol, but those Christians who are already married.
Seldom do preachers, in their sermons, books, pod casts, and blogs, extol singles, the state of singleness itself, and how worthwhile the childless and singles are to the body of Christ or to the world in general.
Singles get by Christians told many derogatory things, such as: singles are not as mature or sexually pure as married couples, for example – which Deeter himself brings up on this very blog page of his I am discussing.
Singles are frequently the objects of nasty stereotypes by Christians.
Just one or two of those stereotypes Christians have about adult singles:
(Link): Christian Single Women Are All Sluts
(Link): Christian Single Men Over Age 25/30 are All Homosexuals And/or Pedophiles
The problem is, if you are a single adult who admits to other Christians that you want marriage, you will receive the aforementioned marriage-killing advice of, “be content in your singleness,” “don’t use dating sites; trust the Lord for a spouse!,” “you are making an idol out of marriage,” etc.
In other words, married Christians quite often tell single adults to want marriage but then tell them to remain single. Married Christians speak out of both sides of their mouth on this issue.
There are many, many Christian single women who very much want to be married (I did), who did NOT plan on being single into their 30s, 40s, and older.
To lecture such women that “marriage is great, why don’t you get married, you must assume marriage is TERRIBLE” is deeply painful, condescending, and obnoxious and woefully ignorant.
It’s like reeling off how delicious chocolate cake is to a dieting woman who LOVES sweets. You don’t need to sell me on marriage – set me up on dates with eligible bachelors. I’m already sold on marriage, I don’t need to be convinced.
See this blog post on this blog for more:
(Link): Preachers and Christian Media Personalities: Re: Marriage – You’re missing the point stop trying to argue or shame singles into getting married – We Want to Get Married But There are No Single Men For Us To Marry
There may be some single men – and women – who do intentionally stay single because they don’t like the idea of marriage, or they are afraid of it, or what have you, but even in cases such as that, God does not condemn people who choose to stay single (see 1 Corinthians 7, where Paul writes it is better to stay single than it is to marry).
But again, there is a huge number of evangelical and Baptist women who do want to marry, but there have been no suitors.
Statistics show that there are three single Christian women for every one single Christian man: there are not enough Christian single adult men to go around for all the women who want husbands.
This means Christian ladies have to date and marry Non Christians if they want to marry.
Considering that some married Christian men are wife abusers, porn addicts, rapists, drug addicts, prostitute clients, or murderers, the idea of dating a Non Christian and marrying one does not sound bad by comparison.
See this link for examples and this link for examples of Christian men who have been jailed for rape, murder, child molesting, or who admit to using pornography and having extra marital affairs.
See also:
(Link): Want To But Can’t – The One Christian Demographic Being Continually Ignored by Christians Re: Marriage
(ie, women who want to marry but who can’t find men their age in churches – they are single by CIRCUMSTANCE, NOT BY CHOICE.)
— MARRIAGE DOES NOT NECESSARILY EQUAL MATURITY —
Deeter says on his blog,
- 2. Marriage Encourages People to Grow Up
No, it doesn’t.
I have family members, some of whom have been through more than one husband. Their husbands, who are in their 40s and 50s, sit on their butts all day drinking beer and watching sports while the women go off to jobs and do all the housework when they get home.
Getting married does not magically transform someone’s personality over night; if they were lazy prior to marriage, they will be lazy after.
If a person was selfish prior to marriage, they will be selfish after marriage.
The Bible says it is the Holy Spirit who sanctifies and matures a Christian, not one’s spouse (if one even has a spouse):
Deeter writes,
3. Marriage Protects From Sexual Immorality
… However, if Christians place the expectation on young believers to wait till their late twenties and early thirties for marriage, we are placing on them a weight that will cripple them. Young Christians seeking to be obedient to abstain from sexual relations outside of marriage will collapse under the weight of their optimal sex drive and the influence of an obseessivly sexualized culture.
This idea that singles are more prone to sexual sin, while marriage acts as a magical preventer of sexual sin, is an unbiblical teaching that I have addressed many times before; please see these pages on my blog:
(Link): Why So Much Fornication – Because Christians Have No Expectation of Sexual Purity
(Link): Preacher Mark Driscoll Basically Says No, Single Christian Males Cannot or Should Not Serve as Preachers / in Leadership Positions – Attempts to Justify Unbiblical, Anti Singleness Christian Bias
^(Post discusses among other topics:
God does not supernaturally gift adult, Christian, virgin singles with “libido killing” abilities – they have normal sex drives but practice sexual self control)
See these two links for numerous examples of married Christian men (and some women) who admit to being big porn addicts, visiting prostitutes, or links to news stories of married Christian men arrested for raping women or raping children:
- (contains examples of married Christian men, and a few married Christian women, who committed sexual sin)
(Link): Parenthood Does Not Make People More Loving Mature Godly Ethical Caring or Responsible (One Stop Thread)
(contains examples of married Christian men who committed sexual sin)
Early marriage is not the solution, not in regards to sexual sin, immaturity, or anything else.
Teaching young Christians that they are expected to remain celibate and that it is possible for them to do so is one possible solution.
If anything, Christians pressuring singles to marry young creates yet more hang-ups and insecurities about dating and how one gender perceives the other, with the ironic, unintended outcome that single men are afraid to approach single women, and vice versa (because both have been taught that single women are potential harlots and all men are horny and cannot control their sex drives if left alone with a woman), meaning no dating takes place, and hence, no marriages.
I have gone into more detail and written about other problems with promoting “early marriage” and how that, and other such teachings, have had negative influences on Christian singles, so I shall not get into that more here.
The biggest things fueling fornication among Christian singles are…
Reason for Escalating Fornication Among Christians:
1. No expectation by marrieds and pastors that singles can, in fact, control their libido and stay virgins past their 30s, as I have done (I’m in my 40s and still a virgin).
Secular culture and 99% of Christian culture tells singles:
“You cannot possibly delay sex until you are 30, or forever!”
The Bible says Christians have self control, preachers say Christians do not – who should Christians believe?
The Bible assumes that believers have the capacity for self control, not that it is impossible (see Acts 24:25, Galatians 5:23, 1 Timothy 3:2, Titus 1:8, Titus 2:2, many other verses).
Titus 2:2 says,
-
- , worthy of respect,
-
- Teach the older men to be
temperate self-controlled
- , and sound in faith, in love and in endurance.
-
That is, preachers are supposed to be preaching SELF CONTROL to singles and not this defeatist view of,
- “There is NO WAY you can make it to 25 years of age and still be a virgin. You are the slave of your body and sexual desires! So marry when you are 20 to avoid fornication!”
The Bible says you are a slave to Christ, by the way, if you are a Christian (1 Corinthians 7:22).
That is, you are no longer a slave to your sexual lusts or to anything else.
Reason for Escalating Fornication Among Christians:
2. Preachers unwilling to clearly define sexual sin as sin, and to call out sexual sin from the pulpit, due to the fear of offending, hurting, or shaming fornicators, or as coming across as “slut shamers,” see these posts for more:
(Link): Christian Preacher Admits He Won’t Preach About Sexuality For Fear It May Offend Sexual Sinners
(Link): The Christian and Non Christian Phenomenon of Virgin Shaming and Celibate Shaming
(Link): When Adult Virginity and Adult Celibacy Are Viewed As Inconvenient or As Impediments
(Link): Editorial about Celibacy by Ed Shaw
— EARLY MARRIAGE —
Here are a few related links about early marriage, with some concluding thoughts by me, after these links:
(Link): A Response by Colon to Regnerus Re: Misguided Early Marriage Propaganda
(Link): A Case Against Early Marriage by Ashley Moore (editorial)
(Link): The Nauseating Push by Evangelicals for Early Marriage
(Link): Rush to early marriage feeds Utah’s higher-than-average divorce rate (article)
(Link): Secular Media Also Pushing Early Marriage
Justin Deeter needs to get and read copies of the following books by Christian authors to educate himself more on what it’s like to be a never married, Christian woman past one’s 30s:
- “Quitting Church” by Julia Duin
2. “Singled Out: Why Celibacy Must Be Reinvented in Today’s Church”
by Christine Colón, Bonnie Field
Especially if you are a married man:
Until you have actually talked to older, never married, virgin Christian women who desired marriage but God did not send them a spouse (such as myself), please, please shut your pie hole about early marriage and delayed marriage.
You have no idea what you are talking about. None. Your intentions were maybe in the right place, maybe you meant well, but you are doing more damage than help to singles.
This is real for us who are actually still not married in our 30s and older. It’s not theory.
———————————-
(Hat tip to “Stuff Christian Culture Likes” Facebook Group, where I first saw this Deeter blog page posted.)
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Additional, related links this blog:
(Link): Study: Conservative Protestants’ divorce rates spread to their red state neighbors
(Link): Marriage Doesn’t Necessarily Guarantee Great Sex or Any At All
(Link): There is No Such Thing as a Gift of Singleness or Gift of Celibacy or A Calling To Either One
(Link): Married Christian Expert on Child Spirituality Pleads Guilty To Possessing Child Porn
(Link): The Myth of the Gift – Regarding Christian Teachings on Gift of Singleness and Gift of Celibacy
(Link): Single Adults – Why They Stay and Why They Stray From Church – Book Excerpts
(Link): Let’s Kiss Dating Hello – Ring By Spring Culture at Christian Campuses, by N. Sheets
(Link): Gotta Maintain that Propaganda that Married Christian Sex is “Mind Blowing”
(Link): Her Marriage is Sexless While She Cares For Sick Elderly Father
(Link): Virgin woman (virgin when she married) gets next to no sex in marriage
(Link): Married Woman Signing off as “Looking Ahead” Admits to Being in Sexless Marriage for TEN YEARS
(Link): Rebound Guy and No Sex
(Link): Wife Writes to Ask Amy About Her Sexless Marriage October 2013
Yeah, “Early Marriage” won’t prevent this situation:
(Link): Why Christians Need to Uphold Lifelong Celibacy as an Option for All Instead of Merely Pressuring All to Marry – vis a vis Sexless Marriages, Counselors Who Tell Marrieds that Having Affairs Can Help their Marriages
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