Problems Created by Conservative Christian Teachings About Virginity, Sex, and Marriage: Christian Couple Who Were Virgins At Marriage Are Experiencing Sexual Problems – Re: UnVeiled Wife (Marriage does not guarantee great sex)

Problems Created by Conservative Christian Teachings About Virginity, Sex, and Marriage: Christian Couple Who Were Virgins At Marriage Are Experiencing Sexual Problems – Re: UnVeiled Wife

First spotted on Stuff Christian Culture Likes facebook group (link to group), which is headed by Stephanie Drury. She said she gets a lot of e-mails per week similar to the content of the video below- that is, she apparently hears from tons of Christian women who were virgins at marriage but who find marital sex painful, unfulfilling, whatever.

I have not watched the video. I did skim the description below it, the partial summary or transcript, and I read the conversation about the video (and about the woman’s blog), and, if I am understanding correctly, this Christian woman (and her spouse) were both virgins at marriage, and she now finds sex very physically painful.

I am not posting this content to mock or insult the lady in the video / behind the blog at all. She has my sympathy.

What disturbs me (and I hope I’ve made this clear in previous posts on this site) is that my issue is mainly with how married Christians, Christian authors, biblical gender complementarians (such as the people at CBMW who hawk “biblical womanhood roles”) and preachers discuss and sermonize about marriage, sex, and gender roles.

I view the woman at this video and blog, the “Unveiled Wife,” as being a victim or casuality of the horrible, anti biblical stereotypes and ridiculous teachings that the larger Baptist, Reformed, fundy, and evangelical cultures foist upon Christians from their teen years and older, in regards to topics such as sex, dating, and marriage.

Video on You Tube:
(Link): My Personal Struggle With Intimacy In Marriage – Marriage Series

(Link): Unveiled Wife blog home page

From the transcript / about below the video on You Tube (I don’t like pasting in 100% of other people’s content, like I’ve done here, but I’m somewhat at a loss to figure out how to paraphrase all this in my own words):

    by The Unveiled Wife

    This video is part of a Marriage Series called Revive Your Marriage.

    This is Part 5 of that series. Sex and intimacy can be a burden for some couples.

    I struggled with intimacy in marriage for years and I share about it in this video, along with a challenge for all of us to initiate sexual intimacy in marriage.

    Also, you can read more about my struggle with intimacy on my about page http://unveiledwife.com/about

    PARTIAL TRANSCRIPT:
    We got married five and a half years ago and from the very beginning we experience a huge challenge in our sex life. We were both virgins when we got married, we were very eager to experience that part of our relationship together and the honeymoon was painful, physically painful for me and my husband was patient with me, he had positive attitude and said, don’t worry, we’ll figure this out.

    It’s just going to take time to feel comfortable with each other. A few more days went by, a few more weeks went by, a few months went by and things didn’t change.

    It was excruciating for me physically to endure sex and I felt very insecure about the whole situation.

    I wasn’t familiar with sex and I didn’t know if I was doing something wrong or if my body was broken and it was awful. I felt inadequate as a wife, I felt like I couldn’t fulfill my husband wholly and it was so destructive to my mind and my heart.

    I was so sensitive during that time and to be honest I didn’t know where to turn to, I didn’t feel comfortable talking about sex.

    I don’t know if I was embarrassed or just felt like I was the only one, I wasn’t sure and it was just very, very hard for me to be able to reach out and find help for what we were going through.

    At the same time, we were so busy jumping into missions, we were traveling around the world, we were so busy filling out life with serving God that, it almost became a distraction for our sex life.

    Eventually years would go by, almost three and a half years went by that we struggled with this issue and just the anticipation of knowing that we would have to try, you know, that oh, that time is coming scared me and that would just make things worse and any time that it failed or that our sex was unsuccessful, it would just torment me and I cried to many times into my pillow.

    My husband would try to comfort me and I just started to isolate myself from my husband and from God. It was so destructive to our marriage. I didn’t know how to respond to what was happening to us and I didn’t understand why, why God would we serve you and save ourselves for marriage and do all the right things, yet have such a huge struggle in our marriage.

    I couldn’t comprehend why God would do that. By our fourth year of marriage, he walked us through a healing process and that was really hard for me, because I had been isolating myself for so long, I was actually in a very deep depression and just going to church was difficult for me.

    My husband would encourage me to go Sunday morning with him or Wednesday night to the young adults group and I just couldn’t do it, I had every excuse in the book not to do it and it was because I was angry at God.

    I was bitter, I was resentful and it hurt me, it hurt me to be in the presence of God, because I felt in some way deserved or owed a fulfilled marriage just because, I don’t know why, because I was serving him and I felt like I did all the right things.

    So anyways, our sex life has been a challenge for me and my husband for almost the entirety of our marriage and I can probably count on one hand the successful amount of times we’ve had sex in the first four years of our marriage. That’s how difficult it was for it us.

    I don’t know if any of you can relate to that.

    I don’t know if there are wives out there who have felt inadequate, because of their sex life or because they weren’t interested in sex or I don’t know all of the different reason for why people endure hardships with their sex life in marriage, but I know that I struggled and I know that it was so hard for me to pick myself out of that with all the lies and all the deceit that the enemy poured into me. It was really hard to break that.

    I wanted to encourage you guys today that, if you are struggling in your sex life, please reach out for help. Either ask a friend, talk to a friend about it, maybe a mentor at the church or talk to your spouse about it.

    Let them know how you’re feeling and what you’re going through. I know that there are other things that can keep a husband and wife sex life distant for instance, pornography. That’s a huge burden for marriages today and it’s so easily accessible.

    I feel like there’s … and it’s not just for men it’s women too. I feel like that is a huge burden on sex life in marriage.

You may want to visit her blog or You Tube page to leave supportive comments, or just lurk and witness the pain and damage Christian teachings about sex and marriage can have on a person.

(No, I don’t support all secular, left wing, feminist teaching about sex, either. Goodness knows that secular humanist/ feminist/ left wing views on sex can and have do their own brand of damage.)
—————————
Related posts this blog:

(Link): Christian Stereotypes About Female Sexuality : All Unmarried Women Are Supposedly Hyper Sexed Harlots – But All Married Ones are Supposedly Frigid or Totally Uninterested in Sex

(Link): Christian Teachings on Relationships: One Reason Singles Are Remaining Single (even if they want to get married)

(Link): Getting Married Does Not Necessarily Guarantee Frequent Hot Satisfying Sexy Sex – Husband is Sexless for Eight Years (article)

(Link): Do men really have higher sex drives than women? (article/study)

(Link): Christian Early Marriage Position Advocates A Low View of Celibacy and Virginity and Adult Singleness – another example: Justin Deeter Blog about Early Marriage

(Link): Letter to Advice Columnist: Husband Upset That Wife Masturbates – Marriage Doesn’t Guarantee Hot Regular Sex For Both or Either Partner, Contra Usual Christian Claims

(Link): AARP post: How to Handle a Sexless Married Life – But Christians Promise You Great Hot Regular Married Sex

(Link): Virgins and Celibates are Sexual – Not Asexual and Androgynous – You don’t have to have sex to possess sexuality

(Link): More Awful and Crap-tastic Marriage and Sex Advice from Christians – specifically from Ososami and Delzell