Why It May Be Wiser For Women to Enter First Marriage At Age 40+
I never cared if I had a baby or not, so the kid thing is not a factor for me.
By the way, women can and do get pregnant past the age of 40 (see this link, link, link, link, link – if you want to find more material on this blog like that, or posts with links to scientific info about women over 40 having babies, use the search feature off to the right or the menu and look under topics such as “infertility,” “women over 35 having babies” “IVF,” etc).
Most women continue menstruating into their forties. Menstruation does NOT stop at age 35 or 39.
I pasted an article in here months ago stating that one reason tons of women age 40 and up are getting pregnant the last few years is that they go off their birth control, under the mistaken assumption “I’m over forty now and cannot get pregnant,” then they end up getting pregnant.
People in our culture have been absolutely brainwashed to think women dry up, become infertile, and asexual merely for reaching their 35th or 39th/40th birthday.
Anyway, what I wanted to do was paste in comments that originally appeared below an older post I made about a day or two ago here
I think it may be wisest for American women – to their own benefit – to wait to marry the first time until the age of 40.
I’m not going to be legalistic about the age at which one marries, but IMO, it would be the wisest move, especially for women who come from religious, conservative backgrounds.
I’m alarmed by all the religious conservatives who are pushing early marriage (I have many links about that topic and related ones on the blog, including, but not limited to, this link, link, link, link, and link – use the “early marriage” search term in the blog’s search box upper right, or tag, to find more).
Early marriage stipulates that Christian women should marry prior to the age of 25. The exact age varies from Christian to Christian, with some seriously saying age 16, with others saying 18, others saying 21.
Here is what I said in the (Link): last post about it:
You’ll notice the woman who wrote this addresses a few things I’ve mentioned before in older blog posts.
One reason of several I don’t think people should marry prior to reaching age 25 is that people – women in particular – have no idea who they are.
This is especially true for women raised in certain faith traditions, which teach codependency as being “biblical gender roles,” which includes, in part, teaching females that they are “number two” in a marriage, the husband has final decision-making ability and veto power, women should go through life in a passive mindset, never taking charge of their own life, never getting their own needs met, putting other people’s needs first, they are to act as a “help meet” to the spouse (as interpreted by many conservative Christians as the wife helping her husband achieve HIS dreams, HIS goals, etc).
All of that is sure as hell true of Reformed, Baptist, fundamentalist, and evangelical Christians, and based on this woman’s story, it sounds like it is true of Orthodox Judaism as well.
If you are a woman who is raised that way, sooner or later – probably by age 40 (for some women, it might be age 30, or later, by 50), you realize what an absolute bunch of bullshit all this is, you realize you have no damn clue WHO YOU ARE because you were never told, never permitted, to figure out who YOU are and what YOU want to do with YOUR life.
You were raised by your religious leaders and conservative parents to go through life always deferring to men (even ones not your father or spouse). You were so busy looking outside yourself to cater to other people’s needs, you never had time to figure out who YOU are.
By the time you start to figure out who you are, you may alter or reject some of the former things you were taught to believe in, including certain religious beliefs and views about men, dating, marriage.
I am sure as hell not the same person now (I am in my early 40s) that I was in my 20s or even mid 30s.
I think the 40th birthday is a big one for a lot of women who were raised, brainwashed, into thinking that appropriate female behavior is to be codependent.
You spent your entire childhood, teens, and 20s, and your 30s, bending yourself into a pretzel to please everyone around you but YOU. It starts to dawn on you by the age of 40, or maybe before, that being really nice and giving to other people all the time has done nothing FOR YOU.
Back in my doormat days, I had so many people take advantage of my giving nature. Others were not appreciative of my kindness.
You come to realize that being so super nice has no pay off or benefit FOR YOU, and has even caused you some loss or harm in your life – all the corner offices or promotions and raises you lost at work because you felt it would be too “selfish” to march into your boss’s office and ask for more.
You start to think of all the ex boyfriends who took sexual or financial advantage of you because you felt saying “No” to their requests was being mean, unChrist-like, or selfish.
I actually think most women should wait until age 40 to marry. That will sound insane to a lot of people, especially the child obsessed wackos who think women should pop out three to ten children by the time they are 25 – 35, but women have no freaking clue who they are at those ages, not if they were brought up to be forever compliant, smiling, sweet things.
What happens if you marry at 21 is that you end up divorcing the guy by the time you are 35 or 40 because you are not the same person anymore, and you have different goals and dreams for yourself.
To sum it up: considering that a lot of women from conservative, religious families and conservative, religious backgrounds are trained from childhood onwards to be extremeley codependent (in Christian circles, such unhealthy ways of viewing one’s gender and role in life is often couched in terms of it being “biblical womanhood” or “gender complementarianism” or “being a good Christian girl”), they are taught to stuff down their own views, needs, and goals and at that with the end goal to act as an accessory for a spouse later in life.
End result: women grow up not knowing who they are.
By the time the blinders fall off – usually around age 40, based my own experience and testimonies I’ve seen from other ladies – such women are no longer the same person they were when they married the first time at age 20, 25, or even 30. Many such marriages seem to end in divorce.
I think it’s far better for a women to live on her own, pursue her own goals and interests, than jump into marriage prior to the age of 35 / 40.
For a lot of women from conservative religious upbringings, a lot of them – the ones raised to think that being codependent was “biblical” – they may not fully know who they are and not have healthy boundaries and not truly be ready to date or marry until they are past 35.
I know it can be difficult to be single in your late 20s or mid 30s when you very much desire marriage – I was once there myself – but upon reflection, in a way, I’m glad I did not marry at those ages.
I think it’s foolish for Christians to encourage Christian women to marry prior to the age of 35, 40 – and especially before the age of 25 – since so many of them do not know who they are and what they want for themselves. To marry in that way at that age is just about to guarantee a divorce later.
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Related posts this blog:
(Link): The advantages to getting engaged at age 37, by Patricia Beauchamp
(Link): Myths About Never Married Adults Over Age 40
(Link): The Stupid Advice We Give To Single Women Over 40 (from the Current Conscience Blog)
(Link): First Time Marriage for Man and Woman Both Over Age 40
(Link): This dad is glad he postponed fatherhood (commentary – first time father at age 40 or older)
(Link): Never-Married Men Over 40: Date-able or Debate-able?
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