I’m Afraid to Have Sex with My Husband by E. Street
There are two different links/essays below.
As far as the first essay is concerned: I couldn’t even be bothered to read the whole thing by E. Street, which is quite long. I post it only as another example of “Sexless Marriages.”
Evangelicals and other conservative Christians promise youth that if they stay virgins until marriage that married sex will be regular and great. However, a lot of Christians end up in sexually dysfunctional marriages, or sexless marriages, or one spouse has affairs or uses porn all day. So much for married Christian sex being hot.
- By Elizabeth Street | Love + Sex – Thu, Feb 27, 2014 3:53 PM EST
I am scared to have sex with my husband. It’s not what you think. The last time we had sex was six months ago when we went out of town for the weekend. It was OK. I was annoyed that he was drunk and that he couldn’t finish.
I was feeling particularly generous and loving that day, so I asked him if I could help him finish. He agreed. I smiled at him while I did my “work.” I wanted to make him feel comfortable and secure, not embarrassed.
But inside I was annoyed and angry. He eventually climaxed and rolled over to take a nap.
I went to the bathroom to wash my hands and then I got dressed to take a walk.
That is the typical run for us: We give it a go, I never fully love the way he is touching me but the rest of it feels good down below.
Then after a little while he slows down. I can tell he is trying to finish; he gives it a few good ol’ college tries, but then ultimately he stops. I privately roll my eyes with annoyance and disappointment. “I am so tired,” he says. I don’t buy it.
Sometimes I truly think he doesn’t find my body attractive enough to make him climax. Most times I think it is just a combination of his being too drunk and too old for everything to work properly down there.
Aside from the ever-present sex issue, my husband and I have actually gotten along pretty nicely lately. I have been making a big effort to be sweeter, kinder and more supportive. And I am truly feeling more love between us.
[blah blah blah blah a bunch of boring relationship details]
…The truth of the matter is, I am scared to initiate sex. We have been feeling really happy and loving and I am scared that if I initiate sex one night and he rejects me, it will throw me into a tailspin.
I know I am in denial: Everything else in our marriage is good so, in my mind, I feel like we are fine. If I avoid the sex issue, I will feel happy. But am I happy if I am not having any sex?
He has rejected my sexual advances so many times over the years and I just don’t know if I can take it again. I think his next rejection could turn into a huge, ugly blow-up that might force us us into therapy or bust.
I also worry that if we do have sex, it will be so disappointing…again. And I will be so depressed about the sex that I am stuck with for the rest of my life.
—– end excerpts —–
The essay goes on and on and on and on and on like that. I’m not copying the whole thing.
You get the idea. Married sex SUCKS. Married sex is not the instant Nirvana Christians advertise it as.
More from Elizabeth Street – and note in this essay she, the woman writing it, Julianna Colt, is VISUAL. She says she can only be sexually turned on by a man with a hot body – women are VISUALLY ATTUNED, so Christians, stop lying about female sexuality, stop preaching that women only care about “emotional” stuff and are not visual:
(Link): I’m in a Sexless Marriage
- By Julianna Colt
The first time I made out with my husband we had been dating about 3 weeks. I remember the first night we got naked together.
His clothes came off and he was on top of me and I thought to myself, “Oh no, this is not going to work.”
I was not attracted to his body; I was used to being with hot, young guys with muscular, sculpted bodies. I was like a guy in that way: I needed a hot body.
We ended up having sex and it was just “meh.”
I was disappointed–everything else about this man was just so wonderful. He was handsome, sweet, mature, confident, fun and he seemed to worship me. It was the first real thing I had felt in a long time. I just wished the sexual chemistry was more potent.
But I told myself not to despair, and that sex can always be improved with practice and discussion. The next few weeks went by and the sex got a little more exciting.
We were definitely lustful for each other and it was fun to be with him, but the mechanics were sorely lacking.
I didn’t like the order he did things, I didn’t like his lack of attention to certain areas, and I didn’t love his motion in the ocean. But I was determined not to worry since everything else with us was so great. We were falling in love.
…During our engagement I decided to be proactive.
One night during sex I stopped and asked him if he would change positions.
I started to give some instructions on how I would like things to go down–this did not go well. Offended, he stopped and rolled over. He lost his desire to continue.
I knew he was sensitive but, my god, was he so sensitive that I couldn’t even talk about sex? My previous boyfriend loved any sort of commentary or instruction. It felt so normal and natural to me to be able to talk about what I wanted sexually. But now I was learning that I couldn’t, and I was devastated.
I rolled over away from him and cried silently, wondering what I had gotten myself into. I knew in that moment that I was making a huge mistake and not being true to what was important to me. Yet the next day I moved on and continued with the rest of my otherwise lovely engaged life.
…And then we got married. It was a perfect day and he was amazing and romantic. That night in our hotel suite we had the best sex and the most physically connected night of our lives together to date.
He was amazing, the sex felt amazing, we did it multiple times. It was all unprecedented. I was thrilled–it meant that we were capable of having great sex! Our honeymoon was pretty great, too. The sex wasn’t as earth-shattering as out wedding night, but it was very frequent so that made me happy.
My happiness was short-lived because after our wedding and honeymoon we went back to subpar, infrequent sex.
—- end excerpts —
Click the link to read the rest.
If the spouse in the above letter is not going to listen to her needs/wants in the bedroom (she says he tunes her out when she tries to talk this issue over with him), she needs to drag his ass to a therapist/marriage counselor.
If he refuses to go to a therapist, or counseling does not work, she should divorce him and move on.
Or, alternatively, she can learn to live without a fireworks- spectacular- love life… there is more to life than sex.
It’s annoying to me how so many people place so much stock in sex, that they allow it to make or break a relationship.
Some of these ladies writing about these sexless marriages sound a tad on the selfish side to me, they are making much too much about sex, and they are expecting too much of sex.
You are never, ever, going to meet a man who meets 100% of your needs and wants in finances, sex, romance, looks, career, ambition, AND emotional support and not 100% of the time, so you have to choose what you absolutely can and cannot live without.
I mean, you have this one lady saying in this essay above, “my man is good looking, romantic, a great catch, it’s just that the sex is ho hum.” And she is really, really fixating on the crummy sex part.
If sex is a total “must have” for her (which I find strange), she needs to dump his ass if therapy doesn’t work, but I can tell you, if she does manage to date /marry a guy who totally gets her off in the sack, she will find him lacking in some other area of life, I damn well guarantee you that.
Mr. “Great At Sex” might also be “Mr. Porn Addict,” or “Mr. Ignores My Emotional Needs and Would Rather Watch Football Than Spend Time With Me,” or, “Mr. Continually Unemployed and Cannot Help Me Pay the Rent,” or, “Mr. Will Not Help With Household Chores, Leaving It All To Me, And I Am Damn Resentful Of It.”
Related posts this blog
(Link): Weak Argument Against Celibacy / Virginity / Sexual Purity by the Anti Sexual Purity Gestapo – Sexual Compatibility or Incompatibility – (ie, Taking Human Beings For Test Spins – Humans As Sexual Commodities) (Part 2)
(Link): Problems Created by Conservative Christian Teachings About Virginity, Sex, and Marriage: Christian Couple Who Were Virgins At Marriage Are Experiencing Sexual Problems – Re: UnVeiled Wife (Marriage does not guarantee great sex)