Another Too Long, Too Strict Suitor List That Will Keep A Single Single Forever: “The Man Who Will Marry My Daughter” by Tony Miano

Another Too Long, Too Strict Suitor List That Will Keep A Single Single: “The Man Who Will Marry My Daughter”

The dude who wrote this, Miano, is sexist. He is a gender complementarian and thinks it is sin for a woman to teach the Gospel to men in public.

Based on other sites I have visited, he does not have a paying job, but his wife does, yet he teaches that a man is head of the house and actually lists this quality as being one he insists a man must have if a man wants to marry his daughter:

    “[a man must] …be able to provide, financially, for his wife and family (1 Timothy 5:8) “

Miano himself is incapable or unwilling to financially support his own family (this is according to information I have read on other sites), so I have no idea why he makes that a requirement for a man who would want to date his daughter.

He also, based upon what others have said on other blogs, goes on his Facebook ministry’s page and begs for people to send him Wal-Mart gift cards and to buy him vans and stuff. If he was financially supporting himself, he would not have to beg funds and for cars from other people.

This blog posting by Miano, by the way, came to my attention via (Link): Stuff Christian Culture Likes. (I would encourage you to click that link and read visitor comments.)

(Link): “The Man Who Will Marry My Daughter” by Tony Miano

You’ll notice in this essay that this guy does not view his daughters as fully functioning, independent adults capable of making their own choices in life.

Miano has infantilized his daughters, who range in age at the time of this writing of about 17 years of age to age 26 or 27, which is a very huge mistake. It is not his duty to choose boyfriends or husbands for his daughters.

A father is certainly welcome to offer his daughter his advice or views on aspects of her life, including whom she is romantically involved with, but not to act as final arbiter of whom she marries.

I completely object to the “dating is sin” or “dating is wrong” mindset this guy has.

Notice also that Miano assumes each daughter will be married and that God “chooses” spouses for them – this is totally unbiblical.

The Bible nowhere states that God will send a spouse to someone; God makes no statement in the Scriptures that he promises that he will send you, or anyone else, a spouse.

Let me also use myself as an example of why this belief that everyone is destined for marriage and God “sends” them a spouse, or chooses a spouse for them, is a falsehood.

I am over 40 years of age, a woman, had expected to marry, was a Christian from girlhood, and prayed daily from childhood onwards for God to send me a husband, and I never got a husband.

It is simply not true that God “sends” or “chooses” spouses for people. If that were true, I would have been married years ago, but I am still single to this day.

It may be that even if you are a Christian and want to marry that God will never send you a spouse, no matter how long you pray for it, and no matter how much faith you have.

You may be single your entire life. Miano’s daughters may never marry.

Here, a bit below, are some excerpts from the page by Miano – please understand that his list is pretty long.

I am not going to reproduce the entire list here; this is only a portion of it (I have additional comments below this excerpt):

(Link): “The Man Who Will Marry My Daughter” by Tony Miano

    by Tony Miano

    Godly, manly young Christian men are harder to find these days.

    But I will not lower my standards for my future son-in-laws.

    I will answer to God, not the culture, for to whom I give my daughters.

    Since our daughters were very young, Mahria and I have instilled in them a family commitment to courtship.

    Our girls will not “date” before they are married.

    We see no biblical precedence for “trying people on for size” or being in relationship with a member of the opposite sex because it is pleasurable or “something to do.” Courtship is a family affair.

    … Mahria and I understand that the day will come, probably soon, when three godly men (one for each daughter) will seek our daughters’ hands in marriage.

    … (Note to any potential candidate who may read this: if this first essential quality is not true in your life, you need not bother reading the rest of the list. You may be a wonderful young man, but you are not the one my Lord and Savior has chosen for my daughter.)

    … not be an adulterer in any form, including pornography (Matthew 5:27-28).

    … open car and building doors for women whenever given the opportunity. Chivalry is not dead (1 Peter 3:7).

    … understand and accept his biblical role as head of the home and his wife (Ephesians 5:25-32).

    …be able to provide, financially, for his wife and family (1 Timothy 5:8)–with the understanding that a man and woman are to remain married in times of plenty and in times of want.

    …be able to physically protect his wife and family (Matthew 10:26-29; 2 Corinthians 5:1-10)–with the understanding that a man and woman are to remain married in sickness and in health.

    …must leave his parents and cling to his wife (Ephesians 5:25-33). While a man should honor his parents, he must not allow his parents to come between him and his wife. No “mamma’s boys” need apply.

    …have a biblical understanding of the Church and is actively participating in a local body of believers–submitting to the authority of the leadership therein (Acts 2:42:47; Hebrews 10:24-25).

    …receive my consent to marry my daughter. Otherwise, he is nothing more than a thief.

Understand further that none of Miano’s points is stated in the Bible as being criteria one must insist upon in a mate if one is a Christian.

The only criteria the Bible lays out for selecting a spouse is possibly the ‘be not yoked to an unbeliever’ passage, and that is all it has to say.

Nowhere does God say in the Bible that a Christian woman is forbidden to marry a man who lacks a “biblical understanding of the Church” or who is unable “to physically protect his wife and family” and so forth.

Many times, Christian women who are still single past the age of 30, 40, or older get told they are single because they are “too picky.”

No, it’s not that Christian women are too picky – they have standards and refuse to marry abusive losers or dead beets – but that a lot of FATHERS in Christian families – such as Tony Miano – and Christian authors are keeping single women single into their 30s and older by filling their heads with these un-biblical, ridiculously long and picky, much- too- long lists of mate selection criteria.

As to this last point Miano insists a man should have if he wishes to court or marry any of his daughters:

    … [he must] receive my consent to marry my daughter. Otherwise, he is nothing more than a thief.

Human beings are “kidnapped,” not stolen, as though they are a thing. Your daughter is a human being with her own volition and free will; she is not an object that can be stolen. He has objectified his own daughters with this view, and it’s quite disturbing.

Miano ends the list by saying,

    Well, there you have it. I hope the above list is both helpful and encouraging to many. I don’t expect everyone to agree with my list. Frankly, I don’t care. Michelle, Marissa, and Amanda are my daughters, not yours.

I’ve seen first hand what amount of damage this sort of parenting and teaching can do – I was brought up with aspects of it (by well meaning parents) – and all he is doing is creating some obstacles for his daughters, including keeping them single perpetually.

I mean, it’s rather ironic. He thinks he is being “Protective Dad” by issuing this long list o’ qualities a young man must adhere to before he will permit his daughter to “court” the guy, but all he is doing is

    1. doing the decision making FOR his daughter (which will leave her wide open to attracting and marrying an abusive man later in life)
    2. stunting her maturity, growth, life experience, and decision making abilities

Miano may think he is being helpful to his daughters, but in reality he is stunting his daughters and creating problems for them later in life, including creating impediments that will make it harder for them to marry, if they are able to marry at all.
—————–
Related posts:

(Link): The Irrelevancy To Single or Childless or Childfree Christian Women of Biblical Gender Complementarian Roles / Biblical Womanhood Teachings

(Link): Typical Incorrect Conservative Christian Assumption: If you want marriage bad enough, Mr. Right will magically appear

(Link): ‘Why Are You Single’ Lists That Do Not Pathologize Singles by Bella DePaulo

(Link): And They Like to Caution Single Women About Being “Too Picky” Check this nauseatingly too picky list by a single 39 year old man who will die single

(Link): How the Sexual Revolution Ruined Friendship – Also: If Christians Truly Believed in Celibacy and Virginity, they would stop adhering to certain sexual and gender stereotypes that work against both

(Link): On Christians Marrying Non Christians -and- Unrealistic, Too Rigid Spouse Selection Lists by Christians

(Link): Married Man Forced His Wife To Have Sex With Strangers and He Killed A Teen – So Much For the Christian Teaching That God Doesn’t Send Spouses to Imperfect, Sinful People

(Link): Married Couple Almost Starve Adopted 8 Year Old To Death – you don’t have to achieve perfection or sinlessness before God will send you a spouse

(Link): Is Singleness A Sin? by Camerin Courtney

(Link): Independent Fundamentalist Baptist College Kid Friendship Permission Form – Christians lowering marriage rates due to their own stupid teachings about sex, dating, marriage, etc

(Link): *They’re Married?!?* (Part 3) Does God Require Singles to Be Perfect Before He Will Send Them a Spouse

(Link): Obnoxious and Sexist Preacher Mark Driscoll Wants Christian Singles to Stay Single Indefinitely – And Even Though Unwanted, Prolonged Singleness has Been a Huge Issue For Christian Singles for A Couple Decades Now – Driscoll: ‘Christians should not marry pro choicers’

(Link): Otherhood – An overlooked demographic – the Childless and Childfree Women and Singles Especially Women Who Had Hoped to Marry and Have Kids But Never Met Mr. Right (links)

(Link): Brotherly Love: Christians and Male-Female Friendships

(Link): More Singles Commentary by Mark Driscoll (“Two Mistakes Singles Make”)

(Link): Mark Driscoll on Single Christian Women Who Desire Marriage – the positives and negatives of his piece

(Link): Singles Shaming at The Vintage church in Raleigh – Singlehood Shaming / Celibate Shaming

(Link): Preacher Mark Driscoll Basically Says No, Single Christian Males Cannot or Should Not Serve as Preachers / in Leadership Positions – Attempts to Justify Unbiblical, Anti Singleness Christian Bias

(Link): “Because I was single I felt second class.”-by Chandin, former Mars Hill member & single, on Mars Hill church

(Link): The Isolating Power of Family-Centered Language (How churches exclude singles and the childless) by E A Dause

(Link): Are Single People the Lepers of Today’s Church? by Gina Dalfonzo

(Link): Do You Rate Your Family Too High? (Christians Who Idolize the Family) (article)

(Link): Are Christian Singles The New Second Class Christian? by Duke Taber

(Link): Never Married Christians Over Age 35 who are childless Are More Ignored Than Divorced or Infertile People or Single Parents

(Link): The World Does Not Need More Marriage Sermons – They Don’t Stop Divorce or Get People Married

(Link): “Family-ing” Single Adults by D. Franck – How Churches Can Minister to Single Adults

9 thoughts on “Another Too Long, Too Strict Suitor List That Will Keep A Single Single Forever: “The Man Who Will Marry My Daughter” by Tony Miano”

  1. There is a verse in Isaiah that states “none will lack their mate.” To my ear, this sounds like a Biblical promise of a spouse. Not to mention, there are numerous verses speaking of the birth of children…none shall miscarry or be barren, be fruitful and multiply, children are a heritage of The Lord, etc., and of course marriage would be expected to occur first. Then, the New Testament says all of the promises of Abraham are ours, and descendants are part of those promises. Last, there is the promise, already talked about in this forum, of God granting our prayer requests in Jesus’ name. I would like to find the disconnect between these promises and what Christians actually receive.

    1. @ Martha H.
      Thank you for the comments.

      I was a Christian for many years, and I don’t know if I still consider myself one, but one reason of many I’m sort of giving up on the faith is the unanswered prayer issue, and how most of the promises in the Bible have not come true, not for me, anyway.

      There was a lady who visited this blog a few times over a several month period who is in her late 40s. She left two or three comments on my blog under various posts.

      She very much wanted to be married and have a baby. Her husband died several years ago, she’s still single, and she still wants to have a baby, and she never had a baby with her spouse.

      She too seemed to be struggling with things like unanswered prayer, or why Christians act like they believe in the Bible’s promises in some cases but not other ones (e.g., Sarah, in the Bible, did not have her baby until she was about 90 years old, but Christians today chide her for still having faith/hope that God may allow her to have a baby now that she is 48/49 yrs old).

      I don’t have any answers for this stuff.

      I sincerely believed in the Bible’s promises with a simple, childlike faith up until about, I don’t know, two, three years ago… a lifetime of praying for a husband for myself never came to pass (in my early 40s now, still single), and a few of the other big things I prayed for in my life did not come to pass.

      It just seems to me that some of the Bible’s promises are no good, they don’t come true.

      One thing I really, really despise about this – is when this topic is addressed by preachers, on TV or blogs, they almost always blame the person who is suffering.

      If you are an infertile lady who wants a baby, and you’ve prayed for 15 years for a baby, for example, but it’s not happened, the preacher will usually say, “It’s your fault you don’t have one, because you must have hidden sin in your life” or, “you did not have enough faith,” etc.

      They always “blame the victim” for why the prayer or Bible promise did not work for that person.

      And I think that is a lousy, insensitive thing to do, IMO. It drives me nuts that preachers and other Christians do this.

      I blogged on some of these topics before, like in this post:
      Blaming the Christian for His or Her Own Problem or Unanswered Prayer / Christian Codependency

      1. That person was me. And yes, I am still struggling. The more I study the Bible, the more of a disconnect I see between what is promised to us there, and cold, hard reality. I don’t even enjoy the promise of “peace that passes all understanding” because I am so troubled. Perhaps it’s because my family problems aren’t limited to marriage and childbearing issues. I am a child of divorce as well, and my dad never had a relationship with me (he died in 1981 without th

      2. I didn’t get to finish my previous post. To continue, my father died in 1981 without ever meeting me face to face. I also had to watch my mother die a painful death less than a year and a half after my husband did, with her receiving no relief from medications. Some will say my issues with God stem from my family situation. Perhaps that’s true.

      3. @ Martha H
        I’m sorry I did not recognize you. Your name looked familiar.

        I sometimes go by people’s avatar pictures next to their names, and I think yours has changed since you last posted here?

        Anyway, I’m on the same page as you on this stuff, and have had some similar experiences.

        I’m very sorry you’re still struggling. One thing that has helped me is this blog. It helps to journal about it.

        That is something you may want to give a try – some blogs give you the option of making your blog private. You might find that blogging helps. (Or, just write your thoughts down long-hand on a spiral bound notebook in pen, if you’re not into online writing.) I find writing about this stuff helps.

        I spent my mid 30s to late 30s looking for Christian material online about some of these situations (eg, singleness, etc) and was either finding nothing about it, or stuff that ticked me off, or made me more depressed. I’m sort of filling my own need on this, I guess.

        There really is nothing out there online (and not much in book stores) for singles over 35 years of age and how to cope with unmet dreams/ goals/ wants, etc. Christians just ignore this niche 99% of the time.

        Yeah, how life turns out and what the Bible says seem to be two different things.

        I don’t for the life of me understand why the Bible tells us certain things, asks us to do certain things – if that stuff is not going to work.

        I totally do not understand the verse about “pray and ask anything in my name and I will do it” anymore.
        (I blogged about that previously here, (Link): “On Prayer and Christ’s Comment to Grant You Anything You Ask in His Name”).

        I know Jesus told the story about the persistent widow, which is meant to illustrate never giving up in prayer, but…

        One thing I prayed for was a spouse – I started when I was around 10 or 11 years old. I’m in my early 40s now. Exactly how frikkin’ long is a person realistically supposed to keep praying and waiting for something like that?

        I’m worn out and tired of asking God and don’t want to do it anymore (I still sometimes pray, even though I’m partially agnostic now).

        (In the meantime, I see crack head women who sleep around with 20 guys every week end up marrying steady, stable, loving, decent Christian men when I watch these Christian TV shows that have testimonies. I’ve lived a clean lifestyle my whole life and am still single. I don’t get the disparity there.)

        I never experienced the “peace that surpasses all understanding” either, at least not as an adult. Maybe as a kid I did a time or two.

        I’ve had anxiety since childhood, including the occasional panic attack, and was diagnosed with clinical depression in my youth.

        Rarely do Christians discuss such issues (which annoys me – they always focus on physical health problems), but when they do mention anxiety and depression on their TV shows, blogs, or sermons – they once more blame the victim.

        (Especially the “biblical counselor” guys. They don’t believe Christians should use medications for depression or anxiety or see psychologists.)

        Anyway, when most Christians talk about how to address anxiety, they will quote “for God gave us a sound mind, not one of fear,” or, “perfect love casts out all fear” type verses at you, or advise you to dwell on such verses.

        I tried that, that stuff never worked, and I don’t really know what “perfect love casts out all fear” even means.

        I’m sorry for the loss of your parents.

        My father is still alive, but he and I never got along well. He was there physically, a good provider, but was emotionally absent. He is the overly critical, negative parent – never gave any praise or encouragement.

        When he did talk to you, it was to complain about your performance (e.g., as a kid, if you forgot to put your bike away he would snap at you about that, if you left a Kool Aid cup ring on the counter he’d gripe, etc, but if you brought home a straight A report card, he would shrug it off as though it was nothing).

        My Mom was very warm and fuzzy, I was very close to her, but she died a few years ago, and I had to get through that alone.

        Christians were a total let down in that area as well.

        I’m a shy introvert, and for me to approach someone and ask them for help, or call them on the phone is a big deal for me, hard to do. When I finally reached out to other Christians (some were extended family, some at a local church I had been going to for several months),

        They either…

        Cut the phone calls very short (they were not interested in listening to me talk about the grief), or, they did other hurtful things, like criticize me, give me logical, cold advice, or hand me platitudes.

        These people are all 50 years old or older, most retired, lots of free time on their hands, and are weekly church goers.

        Christians are pretty bad about following what the Bible says, even where the Bible is pretty clear.

        Another thing that bothers me are Christians who tell you that when you go through a tough time in life is when God will sustain you, and you will feel his presence in the midst of the pain, and that’s supposed to make things okay. That has not been true for me.

        At the darkest time in my life, after my mother died, I grieved alone. I did not feel God or his presence in any of that. I prayed and asked God to send me a Christian friend I could lean on during that time who I could talk to, and I got nobody, even when I tried calling Christians I knew (I got cliches, or they claimed they were too busy to listen, and I was only phoning these people once every 3 to 5 months).

        I tried reading a book about some of this, another Christian recommended it. It was a book about unanswered prayer and suffering. I read most of the book. Part of it said that God may allow trials in our life to prepare us for the day when we rule and reign with Christ.

        No thank you. I’m interested in relief now. Something else that annoys me is this “pie in the sky” theology. I’ve blogged on that a time or two as well. The Christians who shame you for wanting something here.

        Some Christians tell you that you are only supposed to think of eternity, and that it’s selfish or something to want something here in this life. I don’t see that the Bible fully supports that position.

        Yes there are verses that talk about eternity and being with God, blah blah, but Jesus also said he came to give us life (here and now) “more abundantly.”

        Some Christians are so “anti- people getting their needs met on earth” they sound like Buddhists to me, who teach if you stop desiring things, your suffering will cease… you’re supposed to pretend like you don’t want anything.

        I’m just tired of being shamed and blamed for wanting to be married, and the Christians who tell you it’s wrong to shoot for that goal by using a dating site or whatever (ie, taking steps to make it happen), and I’m ten times more irate over the ageist Christians who frequently say, “and if you are still single at 40, God has called you to be single, you should stop even trying or hoping for marriage.”

        Where does the Bible teach there is a cut off age for first marriage? It doesn’t have one. Some guy in the Bible did not even get married for the first time ’til he was 40 yrs old (was it Moses? One of those Old Testament guys).

        I’m just very confused that the Christian faith does not work the way it says it is going to in the Bible.

        It’s also very disillusioning.

        I sincerely believed the claims and promises in the Bible, until I am at a mid-point in life and don’t see certain prayers being answered (it’s been a pattern), etc., and – I see a lot of Christians not even attempting to live out what the Bible says, that’s another thing that bothers me.

        Many Christians don’t even try to follow the Bible’s teachings on stuff.

        They live however they want. Hardly anyone who claims to follow Christ these days is actually living for Christ.

      4. No problem about not recognizing me. One good thing that’s happened to me was gastric bypass surgery last year, and I’ve lost nearly 100 pounds since last summer. I’ve undergone a drastic change in appearance. Also, my avatar is my Facebook profile picture, so when it changes, the avatar changes.

      5. @ Martha H.

        Congrats on the weight loss!

        You said, “Also, my avatar is my Facebook profile picture, so when it changes, the avatar changes.”

        Oh, I see, okay. Well, if you visit again and your profile photo has changed, hopefully I’ll still remember your name and will know it’s you. 🙂 I’m sort of not thrilled with my Word Press avatar, which they assigned me by default (which I wrote about over a year ago ((here -“My Blog Avatar”)))

  2. “The Bible nowhere states that God will send a spouse to someone; God makes no statement in the Scriptures that he promises that he will send you, or anyone else, a spouse.”

    Yes, thank you. Hearing the opposite did not encourage me when I was single. Marriage must not be God’s top priority for everyone if not even Jesus or Paul got married…

    1. Thank you for your comment.

      I know there are Bible verses and passages that talk about God granting a person the desires of her heart, and Jesus said if you pray for anything believing, he will grant you your petition – but I don’t remember any verses specifically where God promised anyone and everyone a spouse.

      There are so many wonky, weird, or untrue things being taught about marriage, dating, singleness, sex, etc, by evangelicals and other Christians. It makes it even more frustrating to be a single adult.

      You said, Marriage must not be God’s top priority for everyone if not even Jesus or Paul got married…

      That reminds me of this post I did months ago:
      (Link): Ever Notice That Christians Don’t Care About or Value Singleness, Unless Jesus Christ’s Singleness and Celibacy is Doubted or Called Into Question by Scholars?

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