After Evangelical Virgins Marry, Then What? (New Study Discusses Problems Male Christians Have After Marriage With Sex)

After Evangelical Virgins Marry, Then What? (New Study Discusses Problems Male Christians Have After Marriage With Sex)


(Link): Blogger Guy,  John H. Morgan, Who Accused Me Of Being Untrustworthy Apparently Finds My Blog Trustworthy Enough to Use As A Resource


(I have edited this post to add new links)

After Evangelical Virgins Marry, Then What? (New Study Discusses Problems Male Christians Have After Marriage With Sex)

(Link): Like a virgin: chaste men sexually confused after marriage by Tia Ghose, Aug. 19, 2014

Excerpts:

  • But by 2011, when Diefendorf returned, 14 out of 15 of the men had married, and the church group had disbanded. Though the men remained friends, they didn’t discuss sex.
  • “The church teaches, before marriage, keep it in the light they want these men to be talking about these issues so that they maintain their pledges,” Diefendorf said. “But post-marriage, the church teaches: keep it in the dark.”
  • Most of the men said they viewed discussing their sex lives as inappropriate and disrespectful to their wives. But the men also felt uncomfortable talking directly to their wives about sexuality, and said they wished the church would provide more guidance after marriage, Diefendorf said. Some still struggled with a desire for extramarital sex or pornography, but didn’t have an outlet to discuss it, she added.

(Link):  What Happens When Evangelical Virgin Men Get Married? This Secular Female Sociologist Found Out. by Alice Robb

(Link):  Virginity pledges cause sex confusion after marriage

(Link): After Marriage, What Happens to Men Who Took Virginity Pledges?

  • Virginity, sexual “purity,” and abstinence pledges are typically examined from the female point of view — and understandably so. But some new research, presented this weekend at the American Sociological Association’s annual conference, tackles a less-explored question: After marriage, what happens to the guys who took virginity pledges?
  • Sarah Diefendorf, a graduate student in sociology at the University of Washington, began her study in 2008, when she started attending a weekly support group attended by about 15 Christian men; the group was affiliated with a megachurch in the southwest with more than 14,000 members. Each of the guys had committed to remaining a virgin until marriage, and the purpose of the group was to give them a safe space in which to share their struggles with sticking to that promise.
  • But the discussions covered more than just abstinence. The guys were open and honest with each other about a wide range of sexual desires, most of which they deemed potentially damaging to their overarching goal of waiting for marriage to have sex: pornography, same-sex attraction, lust (both for their girlfriends and other women). The participants told Diefendorf how helpful it was to have people with whom they could talk through these issues; they knew they weren’t on their own.
  • But here’s the catch: Years later, in 2011 and 2012, Diefendorf checked back in with the guys, most of whom were married. After marriage, that once-robust support network had disintegrated. They were expected to talk only with their wives about sex; other than that, they were largely on their own.

  • Diefendorf writes:

The church teaches men to keep struggles of sex and sexuality ‘in the light’ pre-marriage. Through both membership in [the church] and the support of accountability partners, these young men create the space in which they can be open about their struggles. However … the church teaches, ‘once you are married, everything should be kept behind closed doors.’

Given that marriage is framed in such a sacred and positive light, men should not need support groups to deal with issues of sexuality within marriage; this is, rather, the reward for which they have all been waiting.

  • So these men aren’t sure how to talk to their wives about their sex lives; as one man Diefendorf interviewed said, “For me to come home from work and say, hey, did you like it last time? I mean that would be — that would be such a weird question for me to ask.” Many of the men Diefendorf interviewed said they wished that their church would address sex more openly, because after enjoying the pre-marriage support network, they were suddenly lost, on their own and confused without it. It’s a different side of the same story: Virginity pledges can lead to some unanticipated problems.

(Link): Virginity pledges for men can lead to sexual confusion — even after the wedding day

Excerpts:

  • Studying a group of 15 young evangelical Christian men, Diefendorf learned that support groups and open discussions about sex with trusted companions were key in helping the men during their pre-marital years.
  • But once married, they faced trouble. Instructed by the church to keep problems “in the dark” after marriage, the men reported feeling like they couldn’t discuss sex with their friends and didn’t know how to comfortably broach the subject with their wives. The newly wedded men also expressed surprise that sexual temptations continued to taunt them.

(Link): After Evangelical Virgins Marry, Then What?

(New Study Discusses Problems Male Christians Have After Marriage With Sex)

Excerpts

  • According to one sociologist, evangelical men who wait struggle to talk about sex inside of marriage.
  • by Adelle M. Banks | Religion News Service
  • After decades, evangelical leaders have touted “virginity pledges” as a way for teens and young adults to “save themselves for marriage.”But what happens after the wedding day?According to a researcher at the University of Washington, young adult men who took the pledge and had male friends who held them accountable before marriage find themselves suddenly adrift and unable to talk to trusted friends — and sometimes even their new wives — about sex.

  •  “Because these men understand sex as a gift for the marriage bed, it is unthinkable to discuss sexual activity anywhere outside of their married relationships,” wrote Sarah Diefendorf in a paper presented at the American Sociological Association’s convention this week in San Francisco.“Positive conversations around sex do not occur — and these men assume that conversations regarding sexual practices would only occur in what they think of as promiscuous, risqué scenarios (such as a swinger party).”

    Diefendorf, a doctoral student in sociology, interviewed 15 young evangelical Christian men in a Southwestern megachurch in 2008, then followed up with them in 2011 — when all but one had married.

    The men had a clear demarcation in their views about sex before and after marriage, she wrote: “While sex within marriage is sacred, sex before marriage is a beast that must be controlled.”

    But Diefendorf found that what were considered “beastly” temptations — pornography, sex outside of marriage — did not disappear after the wedding ceremony.

    Diefendorf found that the men were uncomfortable speaking with each other about the intimate details of their married lives, in part because they were now talking about their wives as well as themselves.

    “These men, who four years prior, had engaged in a very open discourse about sex and sexuality, now find it both highly inappropriate and awkward to engage in these conversations,” she said.

  • …“I think there’s been a big emphasis on accountability prior to marriage and then an assumption that once you get married you’re just going to figure it out, it’s going to be easy and all sexual temptation will go away,” he [Clayton King] said. “And that has not been the case for most of the men that I know.”The evangelist said the new “True Love Project” book addresses post-marriage sexuality as well as premarital abstinence.
  • Although it can mean sweaty palms and feeling sick to your stomach, Clayton King said men need to be given permission to talk to their wives first, then trusted mentors and, if necessary, professionals about their questions about marital sex.“That’s the hurdle that married people have to overcome early in their marriage — having difficult, awkward, tense conversations,” he said.

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Related posts:

(Link):  I Waited to Have Sex Until I Was 26, And Now I Can’t Have an Orgasm (by a Woman Raised in Christian Purity Culture) – Provides Yet Another Reason to Ditch the Equally Yoked Teaching

(Link):  Southern Baptist Russell Moore Admits That Christians Have Sexless Marriages

(Link):  An Open Letter to Male Virgins by Anna Broadway

(Link): No Christians and Churches Do Not Idolize Virginity and Sexual Purity – Christians Attack and Criticize Virginity Sexual Purity Celibacy / Virginity Sexual Purity Not An Idol

(Link):  Problems Created by Conservative Christian Teachings About Virginity, Sex, and Marriage: Christian Couple Who Were Virgins At Marriage Are Experiencing Sexual Problems – Re: UnVeiled Wife (Marriage does not guarantee great sex)

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