Don’t want to be at the birth of your child because it will put you off sex? Man up! Women deal with it, so you should too – from DM – Why Christians Need to Teach that Sexual Ethics Are For Everyone Not Just Teens or Singles – and Male Christian Entitlement
Excerpts:
- By TRACEY COX / FOR MAIL ONLINE
- Earlier this week Daily Mail writer Rachel Rounds said the reason her sex life was still in tact was because her partner hadn’t seen her give birth
- Tracey Cox is not impressed and says sex is not important at this point
- Alongside grief and poor health, post pregnancy should be a no sex zone
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British mum Rachel Rounds caused quite a stir by announcing the reason her husband still fancied her is because he didn’t attend the birth of their child.
As someone who specialises in advising people on sex and relationships, I am obviously going to champion the benefits of sex.
But I’m also fully aware there are times when sex – very necessarily – gets put on the backburner and takes not just second, but last place on the priority list.
If you’re grieving the loss of a parent, stressed to death at work, sick or surviving on one hour’s sleep a week with a screaming baby, who the hell even thinks about having sex, let alone makes the effort?
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I’d also suggest that when your partner is writhing in agony giving birth, bargaining with Satan to sell her soul in return for just one minute’s break from the pain of pushing a watermelon-sized object through a space the size of an orange, this is also not a time when thinking about your sex life is foremost in your mind.
Most women are terrified giving birth. Not just a little bit nervous but paralysed with fear.
Isn’t this the one time when it really should be all about you?
- … Of course it’s going to be traumatic for men when her ladybits – usually a source of pleasure – suddenly transform into something that causes pain and are, indisputably, not at their most attractive.
Get over it.
Men aren’t the only ones who have to move past the gory mess that is childbirth and go back to thinking of the vagina as somewhere that nice things happen.
Women have to deal with it, too.
Women also have to deal with rather a lot of other things to do with pregnancy and birth in order to feel like sex again.
- …I’ve read the letters I get from men saying there are ramifications and it does take a while for those images to disappear [of his wife giving birth] and for him to reconcile what’s happened before enjoying sex again.
But, seriously, surely it’s not too much to ask that men are grown up enough to be able to rationalise that the vagina has two functions: one for pleasure and one to deliver babies?
After all, you pee out of your penis and also have sex with that. There appears to be no problem with mentally compartmentalising there.
Why can’t you do the same with her vagina?
- …But she’s been the one to have to put up with periods, pregnancy and birth and will shoulder the lion’s share of the parenting.
Surely it’s not too much to ask for you to be able to cope with a little blood and messiness, to be by her side when she most needs you?
This one article from the Daily Mail touches several topics I regularly blog about, so it’s hard to know where to start!
This is also one of the few times I’m okay with someone blurting out the phrase “Get over it” (it’s normally a phrase I wish people would refrain from using).
As I’ve often pointed out on this blog, Christians only tend to support the teaching of “virginity until marriage” (or celibacy) for teenagers and young 20 somethings.
As another post I linked to months ago indicated, some married people have sexual issues after marriage, even ones who were virgins prior to.
Not all sex related issues affect singles or teens; see this post:
To summarize, that article linked to above says that evangelical males who were virgins at marriage said that on one hand, they received a lot of support for sexual issues while single, but they were ignored by their churches after they were married.
However, they said they still needed and wanted help with sexual issues or struggles, but their churches refused to provide classes, counseling, or what have you, to married people.
Churches will hold the hands of youth regarding sex, to be a cheer-leading squad and encourage them to abstain, but the moment that person either marries, or remains single past 25 years of age, churches dump all concern and support for those groups, and they are left to fend for themselves.
Christians are not carrying the burdens of other people the way the Bible says they should be doing.
I posted links on here before, months ago, to stories of married couples who were told, by their counselors, to save their marriage by having affairs.
Here’s one post:
There’s another link on here from a woman who said her elderly father started whoring around after her mother (his wife) died.
You have stories like this:
(Link): Perverted Christian Married Couple Wants to “Wife Swap” (For Sex) With Other Christian Couple – Why Christians Need to Uphold Chastity / Celibacy For All People Even Married Couples Not Just Teens
Here you have examples of married couples who don’t feel a need to practice sexual ethics.
Married couples need to hear from preachers, Christian pod casts, Christian shows and books, that sex is for married persons only.
But married couples rarely get that message from pastors or Christian spokespersons.
While encouraging virginity until marriage has fallen out of trend among most Christians today, the ones who do bother to teach it still only encourage it (or remaining sexually pure, such as staying celibate after a spouse dies), only teach it to youth, or for 21 year old college students.
I’m at a loss to understand why or how Christians think that sexual purity, virginity, or celibacy are matters concerning only teen agers or singles who are 21 years old.
Christians rarely acknowledge that there are adult virgins – people past 30 – who are still abstaining.
Christians don’t deal with situations like the 65 year old who starts sleeping around with other women now that his wife is dead.
Nor do Christians usually address situations where, say, a wife who’s been married to the same man for 15 years feels emotionally neglected by her husband and is therefore considering having an affair with her UPS delivery man.
SEXLESS MARRIAGES
Christians rarely address “sexless marriages,” where one partner, due to health problems or stress or lack of libido, does not want to have sex at all or not often, and the other spouse (sometimes the wife – the husband is the one who does not want to have sex! Many women want and enjoy sex, contrary to what most secular and Christian culture assumes) is frustrated from lack of sex.
No, Christians often make the bogus claim to teens that “if you abstain until marriage, you will have hot, steamy sex every night forever and ever!!” – which is not true, of course.
Do a search on this blog for the phrase “sexless marriage” where you will find article after article about the existence of sexless marriages, or letters to advice columnists (including Christian ones) where people write in to say they’ve gone without sex for YEARS because their spouse doesn’t want to do it, and some of these people are at the end of their rope. They want sex, but their spouse does not.
ENTITLED SELFISH DOUCHE BAG CHRISTIAN MEN
(As to this section of the post, I meant to do a separate blog page about this a year ago but kept forgetting. I may still do that one in the future.)
There is a small percentage of male pastors and male Christian counselors or talking heads on TV who do address these topics every so often, but they are selfish, entitled, male assholes.
Such as preacher Mark Driscoll, for instance, who wrote in his book about marriage, that when a woman is on her period, she can still allow her husband to perform anal sex on her.
Driscoll’s angle is that the husband may want to have sex, and the wife is obligated to provide, even if the wife is sick, not feeling well, under stress, or on her period.
As I said in an older post, I don’t think men, especially not these entitled dirt bags like Driscoll, understand what women go through every month they are having their period.
Many women get horrible stomach cramps and experience other flu like symptoms while they are having their period. Getting out of bed, let alone doing much else, is a chore the first few days of a period. There is going to be zero desire to have sex at that time, and things are messy.
I’ve also seen male, Christian talking heads on TV shows tell women that,
- ‘hey, if the reason you are reluctant to have sex with your husband is that you were raped years ago, or molested as a child, get over it. Get some counseling, so your husband can have regular sex.’
Seriously, I have seen male Christians on Christian networks make remarks like that. I am not making that up.
Those men, and guys like Mark Driscoll, are entitled, self absorbed, Christian assholes. I have to repeat that comment every so often. If this were a G-rated, goody goody Christian blog, you would not see that factoid stated so bluntly. It would be demurely worded and watered down on mainstream Christian blogs.
Anyway, such men feel entitled to sex whenever, however, and how often they want it.
Never do they consider the feelings or physical health of their wife. They only care that they ain’t gettin’ any.
These types of guys get no sympathy from me at all. Since they are such entitled pieces of trash, I am keeping my fingers crossed that their balls turn blue and fall off and that their penises fall off. It would be poetic justice.
I every so often hear or read of a male Christian preacher or personality guilt trip the married ladies listening to “put out” more for their husbands, but I have seldom heard a male pastor tell the entitled douche bag Mark Driscoll type men something along the lines of,
- “Hey, if your wife is having issues – physical health problems, depression, job stress, flash backs to childhood sexual abuse, her parents just died, WHATEVER she’s going through, stop nagging her for sex, you selfish, entitled asshole.
- Ask instead how you can help her – offer to cook for her, ask if you can set up a counselor appointment for her, not because you want to make her well to get sex again, but because you LOVE HER and CARE ABOUT HER WELFARE.”
But no, right off hand, I cannot recall a male preacher ever saying that.
CONCLUSION
Christians don’t normally champion virginity anymore, but on the few occasions they bother, they only uphold it for teens and college students. No effort is made to support people who are virgins or celibate past the age of 25 or 30.
You also have people who were virgins upon marriage and are having sexual issues in marriage, but most churches have no classes or support for them.
Christians needs to stop conflating virginity and practicing sexual ethics with youth or singles only, since this is having negative repercussions for people who are not in these particular demographics, or who may be in other circumstances or life stages.
And yes, there are sometimes good, solid reasons for why a (married) man or (married) woman may not want to have sex (e.g., they are having health problems, they are in mourning), their spouses should be understanding and stop nagging them for sex.
If you’re trapped in a sexless marriage – if your spouse is just not into sex anymore (it’s not that they are ill or in grief or under job stress or whatever), and it’s been months or years – you need to ask yourself if you want to live that way the rest of your married life. I’d try marriage counseling, or consider divorce in a situation like that, if the counseling does not result in a change.
Christian publications and preachers need to grapple with this issue too.
Unfortunately, a lot of these lunk heads, even lay persons, believe in the “permanence of marriage.”
Meaning, Christians make marriage into an idol to the point that they warp the Bible’s teaching on marriage to incorrectly twist the teachings of Christ that the only acceptable reasons for divorce are adultery or marriage to an unbeliever who wants out.
When it gets to the point you are telling Christians to stay in a marriage because (and this is a Bible mistranslation) that “God hates divorce” and so forth, you are putting the institution of marriage ABOVE the persons IN IT, and you have made marriage into an idol.
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Related posts:
(Link): Groundbreaking News: Women Like Sex (part 1, 2) (articles)
(Link): Marriage Doesn’t Necessarily Guarantee Great Sex or Any At All
(Link): Gotta Maintain that Propaganda that Married Christian Sex is “Mind Blowing”
(Link): Rebound Guy and No Sex
(Link): Her Marriage is Sexless While She Cares For Sick Elderly Father
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