Male Entitlement In Dating and In Marriage – Single Christian Men Who Feel Entitled – Part 1
Stay tuned for a Part 2 to this post [August 2016: I did intend on doing a Part 2, but now, I’m not sure if I’ll get around to it or not. I might. I don’t know]. This is Part 1, and it’s pretty long.
I have been meaning to do a post about this topic for a long time.
First, here are a couple of pages about a newly released dating advice book, aimed at single women and written by a couple of men who are in their early 30s.
These authors think male entitlement is a given, and women should go along with it if they want a husband:
- “Single Man, Married Man” was penned by seven New York-based men who are single, engaged, married and divorced
- It argues ‘all men’ who say they don’t want to get married are ‘lying’
- According to one author, men lie to ‘get their women to listen’ and insists telling the truth is ‘risky’
- Another suggests men are more likely to feel guilty about changing their barber than cheating on their partner
- A new book written by a panel of men seeks to advise women on the ‘do’s and don’ts’ of dating from a brutally honest male perspective.
- Single Man, Married Man was compiled by childhood friends Jean Alerte, a 33-year-old married businessman who owns a Brooklyn yogurt shop, and Frank Gateau, a 32-year-old ‘serial dater’ who works in PR.
- …Mr Alerte and Mr Gateau [who wrote the book] – who claim that when men say they don’t want to get married, they’re ‘lying’ – spent three years surveying more than 300 male subjects online and in person to arrive at their conclusions.
One contributor described as single mentions the song ‘Cater 2 U’ by Destiny’s Child as being an anthem that ‘should be on every woman’s playlist and kept on repeat.’
He advises: ‘Prepare his meals, draw him a bath and massage his feet every now and then.’
No, let me tell you how it really is.
If a man wants to be with me, he will massage MY feet every now and then, prepare meals FOR ME, and draw ME a bath.
I am not going to “cater” to his behind. I’ve been down that road before, and it is unrewarding and so not worth it (more on that below).
Regarding that book above, FOX cable news did a segment on it, which prompted the folks at the left wing site Raw Story to write this (though I am NOT left wing myself):
- The hosts of Fox & Friends started the New Year on Thursday by telling women that they should “cater” to their man by stroking his ego, cooking him meals, and massaging his feet.
- …According to Morris, women could get some “honest advice on how to get a husband” from a new dating guide titled “Single Man, Married Man,” which was written by men.
- Even co-host Peter Doocy seemed to be perplexed as he offered the first piece of advice: “No matter where a woman was in life, she should always be able to cater to her man’s needs.”
- “Well, how about this one?” Doocy continued. “When he gets his ego stroked, he’ll be more inclined to love you more.”
- “That’s true!” Earhardt exclaimed.
- …Doocy said that one way a woman could stroke a man’s ego would be to “prepare his meals, draw him a bath and massage his feet every now and then.”“All in for foot massages,” Doocy added.
Let me pause here to say women do NOT be needed to be taught this nonsense by male authors or by anyone else.
I go into a bit more detail below (via a personal example), but suffice it to say, from the time we are little girls, the vast majority of us ladies are taught to put ourselves last and to cater to men.
We women don’t need to read a book that instructs us how to do it, or that we should do it.
Most American females, from childhood and through their teen years, are taught that being codependent – being passive, always sweet, non-confrontational, un-assertive, never getting our own needs met, catering to other people’s needs – is the proper way to be a lady.
We are socialized to remain passive and sweet and always to put men first, even through our 20s and 30s. Most of us start to wake up from this fog in our 40s and realize what bunk it is (some women don’t catch on until they reach their 50s).
We females get these messages while little girls in school by teachers, from our peer group, from most movies and TV shows, as well as from parents.
Christian females get a double dose of this sexist malarky from the time we are kids and growing up in evangelical, fundamentalist, Baptist, and Reformed denominations who say it’s biblical and God’s design for females to follow men’s leads, to not be independent, to always defer to a man (especially to one’s husband, if one is married).
Women do NOT need a couple of spoiled, sexist male author jokers writing an entire book telling women to always put the man and his needs first, since we get that disgusting message while practically still in our mother’s wombs, please.
Here is a post at Junia Project on the topic of male entitlement:
- JANUARY 1, 2015 BY
- “He who finds a wife finds a good thing, and obtains favor from the Lord.” Proverbs 18:22 NKJ
- I’ve heard this passage preached a lot at relationship conferences or as part of a sermon series on relationships and marriage in church on Sunday morning.
- I understand the sacredness of the text and have always appreciated its context. While it’s a beautiful passage, the way it is sometimes preached has always been a little problematic to me, especially when the words “thing” and “obtains” are emphasized.
- I think the weight that has been placed on these themes influences the way some single Christian men approach women in the pursuit of relationships.
- …For example, entitlement can play a role when men receive the message that they need to “obtain” a “good thing” when it comes to dating the women they pursue.Entitlement surfaces when a person feels they are owed something.
- Dictionary.com defines it as “to give (a person or thing) a title, right, or claim to something.” Synonyms for the word “entitlement” include privilege, license, due, prerogative, right, authorization.
- I’m not saying that it is this way with all men and women, but from my own experiences and the experiences my friends and the women I counsel, single Christian men often approach women with an attitude of entitlement as opposed to an unpretentious disposition.
- …I have witnessed this firsthand in my own dating life, noticing that there can be an aggressiveness with Christian men who present themselves to me as if it is my obligation to respond favorably to them merely because they are “good” and Christian and “fill in the blank with whatever other distinguishable qualities”.
- click here to read the entire page (which is quite good)
I left a comment at their page, which was eventually permitted to appear, I believe:
- Yes, many single Christian men I have personally come across online or in real life are VERY entitled, so are some of the married ones.
- I have run into older, celibate, never married Christian men who write, in a whiny, entitled tone on their blogs, that they believe it is a duty of single, celibate Christian women to be encouragers to the single, celibate men.
- One celibate, never married, Christian guy who writes this sort of thing on his blog makes no mention of celibate, single Christian men acting as encouragers to the women.
- [I am, again, specifically referring to this guy, who I had to ban from my blog:
- (Link): John Hugh Morgan, his blog “Virtue in the 21st Century”
- – which is an odd name for his blog, because he does not believe that celibacy should be practiced by folks who claim to have homosexual urges.
- Homosexuals abstaining from sexual relations and opting for celibacy IS virtuous, but he seems to argue no, it’s not. Seriously, yeah, he argues that, see this post. If that was not his intent he seriously needs to reword his essay about it.
- But it makes no sense to me to have a blog called “Virtue in the 21st Century,” rail against sexual sin, but then behave in your blog posts as though celibacy is NOT applicable to homosexuals.
- What alternate, wacko universe is this guy living in where he says he’s against sexual sin but apparently is okay with homosexuals having sex with each other, because celibacy, according to him, is only for never-married, heterosexual adults?
- Why did I ban John Morgan from my blog you ask? please read this post for the reasons ]
- [Also: I would imagine when Morgan types some of his posts, he makes a sound like a crying baby, “Waah! Waaaah!,” like where he says he thinks male celibates have life tougher than women celibates, see this post:
- (Link): Male Entitlement and Adult Virginity: Who has it worse, Male Vs. Female?
- Not just him, though.
- You know the secular “men’s rights” doofwads? Every time I see the “men’s rights” rants on various sites, claiming how easy women have life but that the mens of the male gender have life so tough, I hear the sound of a baby crying in the back of my mind, as in, “Wah! Wah!”
- Some Christian men also sound a lot like these “MRA” guys – like (Link): this doofus I posted about previously who blames all of life’s problems on feminists. Christian men have no business adopting the views of MRAs, because “MRA” views are usually pretty anti-biblical and sound more like radical Islam’s views on gender.]
- It seems to be a one-way street with that celibate blogger guy, that un-married, Christian women are supposed to act as perpetual cheerleaders for the allegedly beaten down, put upon, single celibate men, but not the other way around.
- Apparently in his universe, single women are not deserving of encouragement from men or churches, only men are.
- Even my ex fiance, who was a Christian man, expected me to be his cheerleader and encourager (and I was in fact supportive of him, but not to the degree he preferred), but if I out-right asked for his emotional support in my dreams, problems, or ambitions in life, he would refuse to provide any.
- Christians have frequently bought into secular stereotypes about the genders, such as, all men are visually oriented, but women are not; women are more interested in emotional closeness than men (supposedly).
- How this works out in Christian sermons I’ve heard about marriage or in Christian material on dating is that Christian writers and preachers often lecture women to stay skinny and sexy-looking, but the men are never told to stay in shape.
- I’ve yet to hear a preacher advise his balding, obese, or unattractive male members to hit the gym, lose weight, or get a toupee. The “look sexy” advice is only doled out for the women, in sermons and in most Christian dating advice books and blogs I have seen.
- Women are more often told by Christians not to dream about or expect to marry a good-looking man. No, the women are told they should only care about the man’s “godliness” or “spirituality.” And this double standard makes me want to throw up.
- I am a visually-oriented woman and would prefer to date a man I find phyiscally attractive (he doesn’t have to be movie star level good looking). But churches keep telling women to settle for a guy who looks about as attractive as mud to her.
- The men are seldom to never told by Christians to lower their standards in the physical attractiveness area when looking for a girlfriend or wife, or to be realistic and to date women their own age, instead of chasing after women ten or twenty or more years their junior.
- So I do find that many Christian single men are entitled. Even the unattractive 40, 50, 60- year -old single ones feel they deserve to marry a 25 year old, stick thin, movie star looking woman, and churches are not in a hurry to correct their misconceptions about this, but actually encourage them to continue thinking this way.
Are Christian men entitled? And when it comes to dating and marriage? Does the Pope wear a funny looking hat? You betcha.
Male Entitlement Taught by Christians Under Gender Complementarian, Biblical Womahood Teachings
Then the Gender Complementarian Christians sweeten the deal (for entitled men) by telling women it’s BIBLICAL and God’s DESIGN and their divinely imparted, life long ROLE for them to submit to what men want.
And the women are supposed to do all this “graciously,” without complaint. (See the Danvers statement by the Southern Baptist Church for more on that.)
(And of course the men hear all this teaching in churches or see it on blogs, too, and it makes them feel even more entitled than they already are.)
Within American evangelicalism, Reformed churches, Fundamentalist and Baptist churches, Women are not encouraged to be independent, or even permitted to make their own choices in life, or to put their own needs first.
Christian women regularly are taught -and by Christians, no less, who should be teaching the opposite of all this crap- that codependency for women is God’s intent for them (but it’s not).
Personal Experience with Male Entitlement
As for the example I cited above about my ex fiance, yep.
Let’s say my ex’s name was “Fred.” (“Fred” is not his real name.)
Please understand I am using Fred as but one example. I have seen other men in real life and on forums and blogs who display the same mindset as my ex “Fred.”
This is one of several double standards that douche bag Fred held that drove me nuts and drove me to dump his selfish, narcissistic behind.
I constantly gave, gave, gave, and Fred constantly took, took, took.
I put myself last in our relationship and catered to that man. (And what a waste of my time, effort, and money that ever was.)
As a result, I never got my needs met in that relationship.
I was brainwashed by my Christian mother (and Christians in general) to think that was what God wanted me to do, to always put my boyfriend (and other people) first, and that MY needs did not matter.
I tried living that way, I really did.
However, at the end of the day, I do in fact have needs, and having them gone unmet in that relationship for the eight or so years we were together filled me with too much depression at first, and then resentment and frustration, so much so that I got to a point I simply could NOT deal with it anymore and had to call the relationship quits (there were other reasons I broke up with him too).
I just got tired, so damn tired, of trying to be a good girlfriend to my ex, but he never responded by meeting MY needs or putting ME first, not ever.
The whole relationship was always HIM, about HIM, and what HE wanted and needed, and when he wanted it.
On Men Feeling Entitled to Female Ego Stroking, Encouragement from Women, and Female Support – Most Men Are Hypocritcal, Selfish Douche Canoes On This Point
(personal example continued)
I remember Fred phoned me once to tell me his boss gave him a corner office, a raise, and a gold star for being such a great employee.
(This is just one example of several, similar incidents that happened over our relationship, by the way.)
I was genuinely happy for him and said, “That is great news, I am so happy for you! Congratulations. Way to go, so proud of you. That is wonderful news.”
The phone went silent… to the point I was wondering, is the phone broken?
So I said “Hello, hello, anyone there? Are you still there?”
He said, “Yeah, I’m here.”
It dawned on me he was angry, but I could not figure out why. I asked him if he was angry, and if so, why.
I don’t remember his exact words, but the summation of it is that he felt that my “congratulations, babe, that is great news!” commentary was not sufficiently congratulatory for his tastes. Seriously.
Fred was expecting me to be a total cheerleader for him and gush and gush and gush for three hours about WHAT A MAN! he was and HOW PROUD! I was of him.
He was expecting me to hire a marching band on his behalf, a plane with one of those banners behind it that says “You Da Man” to fly over the city, and to do cart wheels in his honor.
Let me explain something to you. (I can’t remember if I explained this to my ex Fred, but I think I did.)
The family I grew up in was NOT supportive or encouraging.
My mother was sweet and loving, but she did not compliment me, praise me, or encourage me to put my talents to use. More often than not, my mother would discourage me from pursuing my ambitions, my dreams, and tell me if I tried to do anything, it would probably end in me losing or being hurt, so she didn’t even want me to try.
My mother didn’t want me to try at anything at all in life, whether school sports teams, concerts, contests, asking men out on dates…
My mother was always so concerned I’d be rejected or fail at whatever I tried and be crushed.
So, any time I said something like, “I think I will try out for the cheer leading squad next year,” she’d reel off a list of reasons ten pages long why I should NOT do thus- and- so (cheer leading or whatever it may be).
My father was downright negative and hyper critical.
When I did good things like bring home “straight A” report cards from school, or find the cure for cancer, or raise a dead orphan back to life, my father would either criticize me, diminish my accomplishments (by saying they were not a big deal), or stare blankly ahead at the TV and not say anything at all.
My two siblings are like my father, very negative and critical.
I was told constantly from youth on-wards by my dad and siblings I am a loser-o, failure, big nothing. Not only did they WITH-HOLD praise and encouragement, but they would tell me I was a nothing nobody going nowhere.
So here was my jackass ex fiance, Fred, expecting me to give him something I never got in my own family.
I thought that when I had said to him in a sincere, cheerful tone, “Hey, congratulations, I am so proud of you, great job,” when he told me about his accomplishments, that I was being pretty good and thoughtful, considering the cruddy, negative family I came from.
I had no idea what it looked like to give encouragement to someone else because I sure as hell never got any from my family growing up. (My family remains critical towards me even in my adulthood, but I now have self confidence, in spite of them.)
Men: They Demand Women Stroke Their Ego and Encourage Them But They Refuse to Do These Things For Women
Not only did my dumb-ass ex Fred act like a pouty little child because I was not kissing his ass enough to suit his male ego, but he was a hypocrite.
Fred wanted me to stroke HIS ego, but he refused to stroke MINE.
Now, I’m not going to give away details about what I do for a living, or what my exact hobbies are, so I’m going to make up a few things here.
Let’s pretend that I am a pianist and I write my own songs.
Let’s pretend I majored in music in college and was regarded since my youth as having a lot of skill and talent in this area (by everyone I came across EXCEPT for my family).
Over the years I was in a relationship with Fred, I was hoping, and waiting for Fred to take an interest in my song writing and piano playing. He never did.
I was taught by Christians I was exposed to in youth, ones I met in person (this includes my mother), and in books I read, that it would be wrong for me to talk about me, to draw attention to myself or talents, or to ask Fred to take an interest in my musical talent, so I usually did not.
Based on Christian teaching that was drilled into my head, I was supposed to sit back and hope, pray, and wait that Fred would, of his own accord, take an interest in my musical talent.
Even though I was taught not to make myself the center of attention, was taught that I was not to talk about me or ask for or demand encouragement, I went ahead and did so about 3 or 4 times over the 8 year period I dated the moron.
Here’s what happened.
I would play the piano for Fred, or give him recordings of me playing the piano.
I was hoping that my fiance Fred of all people, would gush about my talent and encourage me to stick with it, say how proud he was of me, ask me to play some more for him, but no. That never happened.
After I would play for Fred, the moron would either just sit there expressionless, as though he found the whole thing terribly boring, or, he’d say (and he did this at least twice, on different occasions a few years apart),
- “Oh hey, you know my cousin Herbert? He plays piano too! He is REALLY talented. Cousin Herbert once opened for Dolly Parton on her tour nine years ago, even.”
And that was it. That was ALL Fred said. Fred said nothing about me or MY piano playing but only how awesome his cousin was at piano.
I was hurt by that, and pissed.
After your girlfriend plays the piano for you, the appropriate, expected response is,
- “Honey, that is lovely playing! You are so talented! I want to support you in this in any way I can.”
You do NOT bring up someone else -like your cousin – and brag on COUSIN HERBERT’S piano skill and how Herbert once played on stage with the Rolling Stones or Dolly Parton or whatever.
But this selfish jerk douche I dated never once encouraged me in my talents, job, or skills. Not a once.
Fred either veered in one of 2 directions, he would either veer off into bragging about his family members who also played piano, or he sat there stone-faced, unmoved by my playing.
He refused to praise me, praise my talent, or pay me a compliment, or egg me on to keep up with the playing and join an orchestra.
One time this happened, when I turned to face Fred after playing a song, expecting to hear him say, “That was lovely playing, can I hear some more, dear,” or something of that effect, he instead gave me a smug smirk and said nothing, absolutely nothing.
He KNEW I was hoping or wanting praise or encouragement from him, and he was deliberately refusing to give me any.
I had never treated him like that in all the years we dated. I had tried to the best of my ability to be encouraging to him, meet his needs, and be there for him.
The Lesson I Learned
If any Christian or moronic dating book authors think I am re-living that one-sided experience EVER AGAIN they can kiss my ass.
I am not going to “cater” to a man and a man’s needs, nor am I going to concern myself with giving him “encouragement,” compliments, or ego-stroking. I been there, done that, still have the T-shirt to prove it, and it was not worth it.
Any man whose ass you have to kiss to get or keep is either deeply insecure, controlling, or selfish, possibly sexist, and NOT the kind of guy who makes husband material anyhow. Women are better off without these kinds of men in their lives.
And whiny, single Christian men, like, for instance, (Link): John Morgan, who demand they are owed encouragement from single women (but are unwilling or reluctant to do the same thing for single women) can cram it.
Christian single men and the married Christian men are among the most coddled, egotistical balls of snot in existence.
Women do NOT owe men anything: men are not entitled to be encouraged, catered to, waited upon, or coddled by women.
Single women do NOT owe single, celibate men encouragement or praise for anything or for any reason.
If a woman chooses to stroke your ego, be grateful for it, but that is not your due. You are not owed that.
If you are living your life expecting, demanding, or needing constant or regular external validation, you are going to live a frustrated, unhappy life.
Is there not a verse in the Old Testament where King David said he had to “encourage himself?” He did not sit about waiting for some Jewish maiden to wash him with syrupy praise and boost his ego with pep talks.
I am a woman. I had nobody pay me compliments as I was growing up.
After my mother dropped dead several years ago, I literally had NOBODY to turn to.
The few folks I reached out to, at churches, extended family and so on, both men and women, refused to encourage me, but instead criticized me and put me down. I had to pick myself up and carry on. I had nobody else to do it.
So these idiot Christian men, both married and single, who boo-hoo for women to validate them, or who say in sermons men need a woman’s respect or to butter his ego, go F_ck yourselves.
Nobody ever validated me or stroked my ego, I’m sure as hell not going to do it for men. I made it this far without having my own personal cheerleader, so there’s no reason men cannot make it alone, either.
I found a very good editorial about two or three days ago. Its primary focus was upon millennial men, but I felt that the editorial was applicable to men of all ages.
Maybe it’s debatable if 20 something men of today are worse at dating and entitlement than men of my age (early 40s), but I still see the same issues crop up with men of all ages.
The article explained how most Millennial men grew up with helicopter parents who shielded them from rejection and failure when they were kids and teens.They got awards merely for showing up to participate at football or softball games.
Millennial men never learned how to accept rejection in any form, which is one reason some of them join the moronic “MRA” type groups and spew all manner of hate, sexism, and insult towards women.
Here is the editorial – again, this may be about millennials, but I see the same issues with people over age of 30:
(Link): Random Hook-Ups or Dry Spells: Why Millennials Flunk College Dating by Ellie Schaack
- The ‘hook-up’ culture is glorified on college campuses, but it’s not what undergraduates want. So why aren’t millennials dating?
- …That strong desire to be in a relationship runs contrary to the pervasiveness of the hook-up culture on campus. Rather than resulting from a change in romantic aims, as is so often hypothesized, I believe the hook-up culture actually results from the extra barriers to achieving those same relationship-focused goals.
- We want committed romantic relationships just as we always have, but something is getting in the way of us achieving them.Over my four years in college, I’ve found that three cultural shifts have increased the barriers to entering into a serious romantic relationship.
- …Being the first to declare feelings is incredibly difficult. Rejection stings. Perhaps the only thing that could motivate anyone to undertake such a thoroughly horrible task was if doing so was the only way they’d ever have romantic relationships at all.
- And for men, this used to be true.The feminist movement has encouraged women that they can initiate romantic relationships, too. However, this barely works because in reality, women aren’t making that first move. In my four years of college, I know exactly one woman who has asked a man out on a date.
- For me, it’s something I know I should do, but the thought is unpleasant. The possibility that the same outcome could happen another way — namely a guy asks me out — keeps me from taking action.
- At the same time, men have lost the uncomfortable but useful conviction that putting themselves on the line by making the first move is the only way they’ll reach their desired romantic outcome. In my experience, I’ve found that the philosophy that men and women should share the responsibility for initiating relationships has taken root in men, for whom it is convenient, and not in women, for whom it is not.
- Participation Trophy Culture
- This fear of rejection is exacerbated by the fact that my generation grew up in a world in which some sports leagues didn’t even keep score so that no team would lose.
- We gave participation trophies at the end of every season and received certificates with a specially-designed compliment for each person. In short, we found ways to couch messages of failure or inadequacy.
- While preaching D.A.R.E. in schools, we made a drug out of external validation.
- Fear of external invalidation is this drug’s natural counterpart, and this fear keeps us from becoming comfortable with the constant possibility of rejection. Yet, what my peers do not realize – or cannot handle – is that rejection is a necessary part of forging a romantic relationships.
- Social Media
- Millennials also thinks about our public personas so much more than previous generations. We’ve had Facebook pages for long enough to be embarrassed about their early content.
- We’ve barely lived in a world in which broadcasting our lives and painting ourselves in the best possible light weren’t considerations.Social media also makes us feel more connected.
- Any bad outcome – be it initial rejection or eventual alienation – seems as if it will have ripple effects across our entire social circle. In a romantic relationship, facing humiliation or awkwardness is a strong possibility.
- Social media forces us to not only be vulnerable for our partner but for the whole world.All of these increased barriers then have a snowball effect.
- The social pressure of other people entering into meaningful relationships is a large part of the motivation for entering into one yourself. As fewer people enter into such relationships, doing so becomes increasingly unusual, providing still further reasons to retain the status quo.
It seems to me that too many single men, even Christian ones, expect and demand too much of women, and they are too afraid to take the risks (risk of rejection) which are necessary to get a girlfriend.
Most men, Christian and Non Christian, would rather sit around and whine and complain about women in general, or about secular feminism in particular, than to take responsibility for their own happiness and lives.
Women don’t owe men dates, sex, a smile, friendliness, encouragement, or anything else.
This has been Part 1. I plan on posting a Part 2, but I’m not sure if I’ll do that tonight, tomorrow or sometime later.
(Link): The Selfish, Lazy Husband Who Kept Blowing Off His Stressed Wife to Go on World War 2 Reenactments – Male Entitlement in Relationships: Why Women Divorce Men – and Churches and Culture Support This Male Entitlement
(Link): Love-Sick Teenager Who Won’t Take No For an Answer is Finally Shut Down by his Ex-Girlfriend’s FATHER in an Epic Text Exchange – Men of All Ages Need To Learn to Handle Rejection and to Respect Other People’s Boundaries in Dating
(Link): Don’t want to be at the birth of your child because it will put you off sex? Man up! Women deal with it, so you should too – from DM – Why Christians Need to Teach that Sexual Ethics Are For Everyone Not Just Teens or Singles – and Male Christian Entitlement