Married Woman Rationalizes Her Extra-Martial Affairs – Selfishness, Thy Name is Married People
(Link): Interview With a Married Woman Who Takes Lovers on the Side
This interview reminds me of the post I did a couple of days ago, about married people who do not want you judging them for having affairs on, or divorcing from, or spouse shopping for, a new spouse while their original spouse (who they are still married to) is wasting away from Alzheimer’s. I find that sick and immensely selfish.
Here is a married woman whose husband has some kind of medical issues which makes him relatively incapable or uninterested in having sex (or certain types of sex acts; her interview was not completely clear on this, far as I could tell and remember). So, she joined Ashley Madison, a site where married people can find other married people to boink.
This woman describes promiscuous behavior in her post but then says it’s not promiscuous. This is truly baffling.
Here is an excerpt from the page:
- [The interviewer asks her] Do you consider yourself promiscuous? Monogamous?
- Socially monogamous. We’re the most boring, basic couple on the surface. I don’t consider myself really promiscuous. It’s not like I’m out there screwing any man I come across because I can. I’ve slept with less men than my single girlfriends who date, have casual sex, or the occasional one night stand (for the record I don’t consider those friends promiscuous either).
Later in the interview, this woman says,
- I see about six guys (two fairly regularly, as in once every month or so), the rest I will maybe see once or twice a year.
If this woman does not consider all this extra-marital boinking on her part -with six to more men, no less, which is a lot- or her friends numerous one-night stands NOT promiscuous, one is hard pressed to understand how this woman would understand the word “promiscuous.”
Seriously. I would be interested in hearing how she defines the word “promiscuous,” since she does not seem to even realize there is such a thing.
Here is one online definition of the word “promiscuous” via dictionary.reference.com:
- characterized by or involving indiscriminate mingling or association, especially having sexual relations with a number of partners on a casual basis.
From Merriam-Webster.com:
- having or involving many sexual partners
According to these dictionary definitions, yes, this woman in the interview is promiscuous.
According to most everyday people, she is promiscuous. Certainly according to the Bible, this woman’s sexual behavior is promiscuous.
That her husband knows about her affairs does not make the affairs acceptable or ethical; adultery is adultery, whether one has one’s spouse’s permission or not.
I’ve said it before, but, Christians need to stress that sexual purity applies to married people of both genders, not only for college kids and not only for teen-aged girls, as they often do. Christians normally stress sexual purity only for teen girls and other people under the age of 25.
So, we end up with a trashy culture that believes that any and all sexual activity between two adults (even married ones) is just fine and dandy, so long as it is consensual, and /or if the partner agrees or gives permission to it.
You will notice that the woman interviewed by this Jezebel site said she found the comments on a previous Jezebel article about married cheaters too “judgey.” Amazing. She actually takes issue with the fact that other people take issue with married people who cheat on each other.
This is one reason I cannot hop aboard the far left, liberal, feminist train – they tend to adhere to refraining from any and all judgement of behavior in the name of an extreme form of tolerance that is really nothing but hedonism unchecked – they do not want to be held accountable for their behavior.
Maybe there are some liberal feminists who find this just as appalling as I do, but in their culture, you are quickly beaten into submission if you dare step up and question another person’s sexual behavior or choices. (Double standard reminder: Unless, of course, you are celibate or a virgin, in which case about 98% of liberal feminists feel fine condemning and judging celibacy and adult virginity as being bad or foolish.)
I am not going to copy the entire interview to my post because it is very long. I read 90% of this article yesterday, it made me positively sick, so I do not want to have to re-read it closely to find quotes to paste on my blog.
If you want to read the entire thing, I would ask you to click on this link below to visit their site:
(Link): Interview With a Married Woman Who Takes Lovers on the Side
- by Tracy Moore
- A woman I’ll call Amy is a thirtysomething who has been happily married for six years, but for the last four and a half years, she’s been using cheating site AshleyMadison.com to meet a variety of men for sex. It began as cheating, but now her husband knows about it.
- Describe your relationship with your husband.
- We’re an extremely solid team. He’s my best friend, the person I want to grow old with, and I love him deeply. We’ve been together for over a decade, married for over six years, and have been through the heavy stuff (parent with cancer, car accident, purchasing a home together) and fun stuff (travel, silly every day things) together. He’s the funniest person I know, and when I think of love and family, it’s him
- What was your relationship like prior to getting married? Did the health issues show up after the fact?
- Pretty normal/boring relationship prior to marriage. He has a chronic health condition that we became aware of about a year after we married. The full impact of the disease and medications started showing up a bit prior to that and after.
- Since then, he is able to work but that uses up a lot of his energy, so our off time together went from backpacking/hiking to staying home watching movies.
- Depending on his health, because it fluctuates, my role as caretaker can be very involved (helping him get to the restroom, managing meds, taking him to/from doctors appointments) or just normal cooking and sharing of household chores.
- Why did you start cheating? Is this primarily about the sex not being good or about other needs not being met?
- It was mostly the sex, but there’s a psychological component to it. Sometimes you just want to get fucked or have someone go down on you. As of right now, it has been over four years since my husband has been able to perform oral sex on me.
- And it hurts and builds resentment when you turn to the person lying in bed next to you, try to initiate sex, and you get rejected. Over and over again. Then that resentment spills into other areas. So it’s the physical aspect, I like having sex, and it’s wanting to be with someone who wants and is able to have sex with you.
- How did the initial conversation go about your cheating, and how did it lead to him giving you the green light to maintain these outside relationships?
- We had a few conversations about friends who were in open relationships and friends who had cheated on their partners.
- He initially found out by seeing something on my computer. He left the computer for me to see what he had seen, and let me bring it up.
- I explained that this was something I felt I needed, it was an escape, and that it made me happy. I explained that I wasn’t in love with anyone else, and that I knew this was a Band-Aid for the sex issues he and I were having, but it was working for me for now.
- I asked him if he wanted a divorce and he said no. He asked me if I wanted a divorce and I said no, too. There were some tears, but we basically came to an understanding. He was mostly concerned about my health and safety (and I know I’ve got an amazing guy, trust me, I do). He told me I was OK to keep doing it but that he didn’t want to know about it—just that I was being safe and discreet.
- Do you consider yourself promiscuous? Monogamous?
- Socially monogamous. We’re the most boring, basic couple on the surface. I don’t consider myself really promiscuous. It’s not like I’m out there screwing any man I come across because I can. I’ve slept with less men than my single girlfriends who date, have casual sex, or the occasional one night stand (for the record I don’t consider those friends promiscuous either).
- How would you say this has helped your relationship?
- It’s de-escalated things dramatically. Before, we’d fight about sex, and the anger behind that fighting would carry over into everything else. I knew he wasn’t trying to hurt my feelings, but the situation still did. The long-term drain emotionally from getting rejected made me feel undesirable. That, plus the drain of being a caregiver, plus working full time, made me feel like shit.
- I know this sounds selfish, but it was like I had nothing left for myself. I have a demanding job that I worked hard to get and I love, I help take care of my husband and I worry about him. It makes me sick to see him in pain.
- And I have family obligations. I have an amazing set of friends, but I share a lot of those friends with my husband. The way I explained it to my husband is that this is a “just me” thing. It’s private and makes me happy. It keeps me from being an asshole partner. No one wants to be in a relationship with someone who’s angry and mean all the time.
- …Are the other relationships all sexual, or are some companionship or talking, or all of the above?
- It’s a mix. Friends with benefits is probably the best way to describe it. I see about six guys (two fairly regularly, as in once every month or so), the rest I will maybe see once or twice a year. Scheduling is a pain. For the guys and myself the priority list is typically, “spouse/family, work commitments, friend commitments, hobbies, sidepiece as time allows.”
- …I only see men who are also married. Part of that is the MAD [mutually assured destruction] arrangement—you both have equal incentive to not go crazy on the other person or have expectations on the relationship that aren’t feasible.
- What’s been so nice about seeing other married people is that you realize you’re not the only person in this situation.
- The guys I see have spouses with depression or health issues similar to my husband’s. This is a topic you just don’t talk about with other people, so having a relative stranger who gets where you’re coming from and doesn’t judge you is really comforting.
- The relationships are all primarily sexual. I’ve come across some guys who want a girlfriend to go to the movies with or go to events with—that’s OK for them, but I have someone to do that with. The sex is usually really, really good. I wouldn’t continue to see someone if the sex wasn’t good because the risks (getting exposed, STIs, time suck) don’t outweigh the benefits (good sex life).
- I also only continue to see someone if I enjoy the downtime with them.
- Good conversation, feeling relaxed, chatting about work stuff or pop culture. I don’t jump into the deeper emotional stuff, re: my husband’s condition, unless I feel like the man I’m with is a friend—and I don’t ask much about their home life because it’s none of my business. It’s up to them how much they want to share.
- Does your husband have the same freedom to pursue outside relationships? If he decided to, how do you think you would feel about that or have you encouraged him?
- If he wanted to see someone outside our marriage I’d be thrilled to know that he enjoys sex as much as any other person, which would mean that the sex issue was an “us” thing that could either be fixed with counseling or something—or, not be fixed, but it would have more of a definition than it does now. He has visited a professional sex worker who was able to “work with him” in ways I can’t due to physical limitations.
- Is jealousy ever a factor for him? How so or how isn’t it?
He is an incredibly kind person. I think jealousy is a factor—he doesn’t love the idea of his wife fucking other guys, it’s not a kink for him—but he loves me, gets that this is a stress release or way for me to escape for a bit, and he sees the bigger picture.
Has it ever bothered you that he doesn’t mind about the other relationships? Some women might find this threatening in its own way.
The issue feels like it’s the right size. We’ve had arguments and intense discussions, but those were done knowing divorce wasn’t an option we wanted. Once that was out of the equation, we had the space to negotiate what we were comfortable with.
- Do you and your husband consider this an open relationship?
Open but not out. A small handful (like four people) know, but our sex life is not really anyone’s business.
- What happens if you fall in love? Or have you fallen in love so far?
I’m in love with my husband. I care about a couple of these guys deeply as friends. One I actually have stopped seeing—we still email as friends— because I care about him but not in a romantic sense.
- Like I said, I’ll usually see a guy once a month—that’s not super frequent. In the interim we’ll email—and it’s a friendship. It’s a weird, raw relationship because there’s zero reason to bullshit each other—it’s very honest. And if someone wants to end something, you just go with it.
I had one guy, an investment banker, ask me if I’d ever get divorced. He wanted out of his marriage more than I realized, and he started dancing towards the “if we both got out then we could get together” thing. I shut that down and that was the last time I saw him because that’s not what I’m looking for.
- …. One experience sticks out for me—a guy I was seeing had a wife who was a cancer survivor. According to him the radiation, etc., had killed their sex life completely and they were both just grateful she was still alive.
- The second time we had sex, he started crying afterwards because he was so happy. This guy was 50, he laughed/cried because he hadn’t gotten a blow job since he was 18 because his wife didn’t do that and it was overwhelming to him. He was amazed because he had forgotten what it was like to just have fun having sex, not worrying about if you were going to hurt the person you were with.
- The reason I’m cool with talking about this is that I’m a regular reader/commenter on Jez (out of the grays), and whenever an article on Ashley Madison comes up it feels really judgey in the comments.
- Women I assume are scared of the idea comment saying how amazing their marriages are and how they could never imagine doing this. But I’m really just like them. The men I see are so boringly normal (OK, some have pretty cool jobs, but they’re normal).
- They’re husbands and dads and coach Little League and go to the park with their families. Their wives are both stay-at-home moms or busy with really cool careers.
- These men are not Don Draper—the idea that if you’re marriage is rolling along smoothly you’re immune from this happening to you is a joke. The only commonality is that the people who show up on Ashley Madison feel like they’re missing something related to sex, so they are taking steps to get it while causing the least harm to others.
She says,
- when I think of love and family, it’s him
And yet, you are letting other men place their penises in your vagina, you are permitting other men to perform oral sex on you, and you’ve no problem with giving other married men blow jobs (she mentions all this in the interview). You have a very twisted understanding of “love.”
You can see that this woman is very selfish.
She only cares about herself and getting her sexual desires met. If she would exercise self-control, she would be able to refrain from having sex with other men and go for long stretches of time being celibate.
And this is a message Christians need to be sending people, even married ones, but the typical Baptist or evangelical or seeker-friendly sermon has a title like, “Ten steps to having a sizzling married sex life.”
Churches and preachers do not endorse or promote celibacy or sexual self control, but actually hold the view that people, men especially, are horn dogs who cannot go for more than five minutes without having sex.
I’ve said this before, and will likely repeat it in the future, but: sex with another human being is a luxury, not a necessity: why doesn’t this woman try masturbation? Or have her spouse perform that act on her, or some other act?
She is not clear in the article (from what I recall – and no I am NOT going back and re-reading it all) why her husband – if he is incapable of or uninterested in standard vaginal intercourse – perform oral sex on her? I’m not clear if that guy is totally incapable of any and all sex acts, or just penetration, or what. Parts of her account are ambiguous.
At any rate, I find it odd that when so many people go through, shall we say, dry spells – where their partner has zero interest in sex – they don’t consider masturbation (solo sex), or other sex acts with their partner.
No, they immediately jump to the idea that they MUST have sex with another person, or only one particular type of sex with another person. Hence, they go out looking for affairs, or they hire prostitutes.
Regarding this:
- …. One experience sticks out for me—a guy I was seeing had a wife who was a cancer survivor. According to him the radiation, etc., had killed their sex life completely and they were both just grateful she was still alive.
- The second time we had sex, he started crying afterwards because he was so happy. This guy was 50, he laughed/cried because he hadn’t gotten a blow job since he was 18 because his wife didn’t do that and it was overwhelming to him. He was amazed because he had forgotten what it was like to just have fun having sex, not worrying about if you were going to hurt the person you were with.
Let me see if I understand this correctly. A married man whose wife has cancer is cheating on his cancer-striken wife, and this woman, who knows his wife has cancer, is giving him blow jobs – they are both pieces of shit.
I can say that because I don’t buy into the Jezebel liberal feminist lunacy that it’s wrong to “slut shame” people or to make judgement calls about other people’s sexual behavior. Both that woman and the man are sluts, and that is nothing to be proud about.
Her husband is also a slut – because according to her, he is using a professional sex worker or therapist to get off. So, he doesn’t exactly come off well here, either.
There we go, another example that belies the conservative Christian propaganda that marriage automatically makes people more giving, mature, godly, or sexually ethical. Clearly that is not the case.
It also disproves the idea that married sex is “mind blowing,” as Christians often say. If married sex is so satisfactory, why are so many married people using hookers or cheating web sites to start affairs?
The comments on the page were interesting. I was pleasantly surprised that about two thirds of them condemned this behavior. There were a few pukes who defended it and even cheered it on, but most were not fine with it.
Some comments that are on the page:
by Shelwood
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