Christians Advise Singles To Follow Certain Dating Advice But Then Shame, Criticize, or Punish Singles When That Advice Does Not Work
A recent post I made, along with a comment left under it by a regular blog visitor (hello mikewchair2165!) got me to thinking of something I’ve noticed or experienced myself when visiting other Christian forums or blogs.
The previous post I refer to was this one:
(Link): “When Your Dad Dates Your Boyfriends”
I had remarked in that blog post that using faith to get a spouse simply does not work. It did not work for me. I grew up in an evangelical, Southern Baptist family and church environ, and I listened to or watched a lot of TV sermons by evangelicals and other types of Christians on Christian TV. I also read a lot of Christian publications that sometimes had articles about dating and marriage.
So, from my youth and into my 20s, I was exposed to a lot of evangelical views, teachings, and advice about dating, gender roles, how to get a spouse, and so forth. The vast majority of material and teachings I was exposed to conveyed the idea that a single adult who desires marriage should be passive and “trust God” to send him or her a spouse.
This was usually taught as, you should just go about your daily life, attend a local church, but trust God to send Mr. Right into your life.
As I am not a man, I can’t gauge exactly what kinds of teachings evangelicals give men on these subjects and how often – I didn’t pay as much attention to the stuff being specifically directed at men on some topics (depending on what the topic is), because I’m not a dude.
However, from what little I do remember, about any time I have paid attention when Baptist or evangelical Christians were telling single males how to get a wife, they usually stressed that the man should be very active, and go out trying to find a date.
Christians usually tell the men to get off their duffs and look for a wife because “he who finds a wife finds a good thing” (which is quoting some Bible verse). But, there was also a strain of teaching given to men, which is quite similar to what we women were taught, of, “Just pray and trust God, and God will send a suitable partner across your path, no effort is required on your part, effort shows you are not trusting God.”
So I suppose some Baptist or evangelical men are also given the message that getting married is a very passive endeavor, with no effort on their part, it’s all up to God, which is also what Christian women are taught from the time they are girls.
As I am a lady, I will explain things from the woman’s view.
If you are an unmarried man (especially one who is over 30 years of age) who was brought up in a Baptist or evangelical church or family, you can weigh in and explain your experience in the comments below, how this stuff is taught to men, to give any visitors a more informed view, if you like.
The advice I heard from Christians growing up, on how and when to marry, (and all this was usually depicted as being “biblical” or “Bible based” advice, so of course if you are a sincere Christian, you want to do what is “biblical” and “pleasing to God”) is that you have to do X, Y, and Z, to get a spouse.
Sometimes, doing “X, Y, and Z” was presented as necessary, otherwise God would punish you by refusing to send you a husband.
That is, God will not send a godly, Christian husband to a woman, unless she does “X, Y, Z” and avoids doing “A, B, and C.” The particular advice here can vary.
Sometimes Christian advice about dating, marriage, and other issues is contradictory.
For example, because so many Christians are paranoid and fearful of, or despise, secular feminism, they will tell Christian single women,
“Do not be too independent. That will turn off men. You have to make the man feel as though you NEED him.”
On the other hand, Christians will tell single Christian women, “Don’t be TOO dependent on a man. You have to be independent, because being too dependent will turn a man off, you will be seen as too needy or clingy.”
So, the conflicting message to Christian single women is:
- Be independent, but at the same time, do not be independent.
In the physical appearance department, single Christian women are told: be pretty, but do not be pretty. We are told these conflicting messages:
- Men are visually oriented, so you must be thin and pretty to attract and keep a man. But, do not be pretty, lest you cause a brother in Christ to stumble and make him lust, and, remember, God loves you for your heart.
If I thought about it long enough, I could go on with other examples that are double standards, contradictions, and impossible to follow.
One teaching that is fairly consistent: Christians either out right say or imply that virginity is necessary for a Christian woman to get married. (I seldom to never hear Christians stress male virginity is necessary for a Christian man to “earn” a spouse.)
We women are told, or it is implied, God will not send a loving, nice, financially stable, Christian husband to a fornicator, so you best keep the skirt down and the legs together.
Never mind that over the years I have seen so many testimonies (on Christian shows!) of women who admit they slept around for decades, even working as call girls or strippers, even knowing it was sin, yet they later married a nice, Christian, middle class husband.
Anyway, other Christians may add other supposed qualities a Christian woman must possess before God will “permit her” to marry, or to “reward her with” a husband. Some Christians may tell a woman to “seek God first,” or “be content in God” before God will send you a spouse.
Other Christians will include all that stuff, or simply advise you to “trust in the Lord,” or “pray regularly for a spouse” or “have faith and believe, and it will come to pass in God’s timing.”
Some will tell a woman that she must pray regularly, read her Bible often, and volunteer at a charity.
Here’s the problem: you can sincerely follow all this supposed “godly” or “Bible based” advice on how to get a mate and still end up being single.
I know I followed all the advice and have never married, and I am over the age of 40 now.
When I began picking up on this around my mid or late 30s, and I started posting concerns, questions, and comments about these subjects on other Christian forums, blogs, and sites years ago, nobody had an answer.
A few people were sympathetic. They told me they were in a similar position.
However, more often than not, when I would point out,
- “I don’t get it. I had faith. I went to church, I trusted God, I read my Bible, lived a clean life style, truly believed God would provide, and I’m still a virgin. I did all the things I was told to do by Christians to get a spouse, but I am still single. What is going on, I don’t understand?” –
instead of receiving compassion and sympathy, which is the response I should have received, or else, I should have received serious responses to my issue, I would instead get shamed, criticized, attacked by both married and single Christians.
This post I am doing is speaking in more general terms of being single.
Over a year ago, I made a very similar post about being a virgin past the age of 30, and how, instead of supporting older virgins, a lot of married Christians, such as Al Mohler and Russell Moore, insult or shame mature virgins, and accuse them of all manner of untrue things, such as supposedly being prideful.
Christian culture is very cruel about these things.
When you are a teenager (at least this was true up until the last five or ten years), Christians drill the importance of staying a virgin until marriage into your head (at least for the ladies), but if you are still a virgin over the age of 25, 35 or older, they shun you or put you down for doing the very thing they taught you to do as a child.
Which tells me such Christians don’t take the teaching (of staying a virgin until marriage) seriously at all, not even for teens, otherwise, one would expect them to be just as respectful and supportive of a 50 year old virgin as they are of a 12 year old one, but no, that is not the case.
All of this is quite similar to the topic of singleness.
Here you go, from the time you are a teen and older, seriously following (what you assume to be) God’s plans for nabbing a spouse at some point. You are a godly, pure, nice kid, living a clean lifestyle. You are living up and living out all the advice you read and hear from Christian preachers and authors on how to be godly, how to date, how to get a spouse, but you still find yourself single over the age of 35.
But when you start getting upset, worried, sad, or angry that none of this lifestyle or world view panned out, and you start bringing this to the attention of other Christians on blogs -whether lay persons, or “famous” Christians such as Al Mohler – you will get shamed or scolded over it.
I’ve heard Christians say to me (or to others who are in the same position as I am), that how dare we get upset about it?
Someone by this point will usually lob the “bitter” word your way.
You will be told you are “bitter,” even if that word does not apply. For a long time, I was personally not “bitter” about this situation, I was, rather, hurt and confused. I was looking for answers. Not bitter.
But it doesn’t stop other Christians from wanting to call you bitter.
I had some lady, a few months ago, stop by this blog to say, “Honestly, I feel like your blog post about thus- and- so is just bitter.”
(Screw you, lady. I think I address her and other jerks who have left me nasty comments at this blog (Link): here)
But so what if you are bitter? You are entitled to being bitter about this.
I have never understood why Christians think saying ‘you are bitter’ to someone else should bring a halt to someone’s argument, or as though it’s an argument winner – because it’s not. I do not understand Christians who have a Godwin’s Law about the concept of bitterness (if you have never heard of Godwin’s Law, please visit (Llnk): this page).
It’s almost as soon as you sound angry or upset (you’re not even bitter), a Christian comes along and thinks it stops all conversation, stops you in your tracks, and somehow disproves the content of your arguments or comments, to accuse you of being bitter.
Oh, okay, you jackass who like to toss out the word “bitter” at people to shut them up: how are my points about the church treating singles like trash invalidated because I may be “bitter.”
My being bitter (or not) is a totally separate issue from the content of my complaints. Go about disproving my arguments, do not play arm chair psychologist and claim you know my motives or emotions (because you do not).
But I digress.
To return to the topic at hand. We should, according to some Christians, express nothing but joy about our singlehood status, and we should be happy and content where ever God planted us.
- By the way? The whole Christian cliche’ and propaganda about “be happy and content about your single status” line they give you is also bogus and another double standard, because most Christians will then turn around and say that singleness is not as good as marriage, or, like some famous Christians, they equate being single to being a criminal or being promiscuous, seriously, (Link): please see this post
Almost any time myself (or other adult singles) have pointed out to other Christians on their forums or blogs that we followed all the rules (we had faith, stayed sexually pure, prayed, trusted God, went to church, etc) and yet we don’t have a spouse, and we ask, why has God not sent us a spouse, where is the spouse Christian culture promised us since we were youth, if only we followed all the rules?
And we mature singles, who desired marriage, but it did not come to pass, get met with accusations by other Christians, of being prideful, we will be told that we do not “deserve” a spouse for being sexually pure, praying, having faith, or being good, or what have you. I have personally been told those things by Christians on other sites when commenting on these topics.
On one blog, one weenie Christian guy even compared me to the bratty older brother in the Prodigal Son story who said, “Father I’ve been good all these years, and in spite of that, you have not in all these many years even thrown me one party to have with my friends.”
Well, answer me this: why do you conservative, evangelical, Reformed, fundamentalist and Southern Baptist Christian motherf-ckers regularly teach Christian teenager girls, when they are 12 or 15, that if only they stay virgins or do X, Y, and Z, that God will send them a spouse when they are older?
And yes, all that is very common in evangelical or Baptist circles: I was exposed to these teachings constantly growing up.
If you don’t believe a girl can earn, merit, or deserve a spouse from following teachings or ethics X, Y, and Z, why do you guys keep telling teen girls that they should follow X, Y, and Z to get a spouse?
Christians are teaching conflicting things on these subjects. They told me when I was 15 years old that if I wanted marriage, that I should do “X.” Well, okay, so fine, I did “X,” but am still single as an adult.
When I point this out, that their teaching is bogus and has failed, they then start insulting me, accusing me, telling me I am bitter or am not “owed” a good husband merely because I did “X.”
In the past few years, I have come to realize my life is my own to live, and I can make my own choices: on when and if I have sex, with whom, and so forth.
I have had to ditch and trash most all the things I was ever taught by conservative Christians about dating, gender roles, marriage and sex.
Christian teachings on these topics did not help me at all, but created problems for me in my life.
I did not find joy, peace, happiness, fulfillment following Christian teachings about dating, sex, and all the rest.
A lot of conservative Christian teaching (and no, I am no supporter of most liberal or progressive Christian teachings either) are riddled with confusing points, with hypocrisy, with double standards.
It’s very hypocritical of Baptists and evangelical Christians to tell adult singles (starting when they are youth), “if you want to get married, you must do X,” and when they do X, and yet still find themselves single over 30, shame them for being single, and for asking in confusion, anger or pain, “why am I still single when I did X, as I was told to do?” and then tell them the fault must lie with them, not with the Christian faith, not with God, the Bible, or with doing X.
And the cherry on top? Tell these hurting, angry, or confused adult singles that they are “being bitter,” and they do not deserve a spouse for doing X – and when you were the one who told them for years to do X in the first place, you freaking jerk Pharisee.
A lot of Christian teaching, and reactions to you, when you actually follow their stupid teaching, is crazy-making.
That is one reason of many I no longer give much thought to Christian teaching on anything, nor do I any longer run my decisions through a filter of “Is this choice biblical? Is it pleasing to God?” (I could and may, write a whole other post on that subject alone).
I find that trying to live up to a lot of Christian teachings actually only ends in failure and disappointment, and adds a lot of unnecessary complication on to what should be simple decision-making.
There is no point in me following Christian teachings on anything, because, since I was naive in youth, I trusted Christians and what I read in the Bible, only to be told later, in my adult years, that following “Biblical Teaching X” made me prideful, or following X did not entitle me to help from God, or whatever.
If following Christian teachings on X or Z is not ultimately necessary, or teaching X does not apply as fully to adults as it does to teens, and that following “Teaching X” will bring me charges from Christians of being prideful, why should I bother following any Christian teaching at all, regarding topic X, Y, Z, H, Q, or Y, or whatever? I should not. That is the conclusion I have reached.
(Link): What Christians Really Think About the Church’s Relationship Advice by Anna Broadway
(Link): Depressing Testimony: “I Was A Stripper but Jesus Sent Me A Great Christian Husband”
(Link): Dear Abby – She Wants A Divorce From the Husband Who Hid His Vulnerable Narcissism (Emotional Abuse, Extreme Pessimism, Victim Mentality, etc) While They Were Dating
(Link): Number of ‘Lonely, Single’ Men is on the Rise as Women with Higher Dating Standards Look for Partners Who are ‘Emotionally Available, Good Communicators, and Share Similar Values’, Says Psychologist
(Link): Evangelical Adoptions: Churches Are AWOL in Helping Parents of Special Needs Kids by Julia Duin – Churches Are Useless (and Not Just Re: Adoptive Families)
(Link): Lifeway Research: Pastors Encourage Single Adults, Some Provide Targeted Ministries (How Churches Are Ministering to Adult Singles in 2022)
(Link): Men with ‘Golden Penis Syndrome’ Are Ruining Sex and Dating for Women
(Link): Acceptance (vs. Denial, Anger, or Should-ing) – Helps in Healing and Getting Through Painful Events and Dealing With Things You Cannot Change
(Link): To the Christians (especially married ones) Who Like to Instruct Single Christian Adults They Should Only Marry Other Christians, Listen Up (Re: Equally Yoked Rule)
(Link): Christians Who Marry Non-Believers Must Be Ex-Communicated, Says John Piper
(Link): Twice-Divorced Lady Suggests That God Told Her He’d Send Her Husband Number Three and She Got Married a Third Time – I Actually Don’t Find This Story Uplifting
(Link): Dear Abby: Friends Push Overweight Woman To Date But Offer No Help
(Link): It’s Not Your Imagination, Single Women: There Literally Aren’t Enough Men Out There – Re: Man Shortage – Follow Up Interview
(Link): Consider The Source: Christians Who Give Singles Dating Advice Also Regularly Coach Wives to Stay in Abusive Marriages
(Link): Celibate Christian Woman Asks Christian Host (Pat Robertson) Why God Will Not Send Her a Husband
(Link): How the Dating Scene Became Stacked Against Women
(Link): Want To But Can’t – The One Christian Demographic Being Continually Ignored by Christians Re: Marriage
(Link): What Two Religions Tell Us About the Modern Dating Crisis (from TIME) (ie, Why Are Conservative Religious Women Not Marrying Even Though They Want to Be Married. Hint: It’s a Demographics Issue)
12 thoughts on “Christians Advise Singles To Follow Certain Dating Advice But Then Shame, Criticize, or Punish Singles When That Advice Does Not Work”
The Concentric Theory of Human Sexuality is a book I wrote and published for free (unless you can buy a copy; I give monies to charities) about a lot of this stuff. You can email me at email@example.com and I’ll send you a copy for free…
AHHHHHHH!!! Sorry for the all caps, but this is TOTALLY MY EXPERIENCE and why I walked away from evangelicalism/conservative Christianity/Christian culture in general.
Me: I want a spouse because going through life alone scares me!
Church: You just need to surrender to God. Why do you want a spouse anyway? You should find your worth in God. (says the woman who has been married for 25 years)
Me: Because going through life alone is hard.
Me: *does all the things I’m supposed to do, yet I never meet anyone*
Me: Um… yeah, so this didn’t work….
Church: YOU’RE the one who is WRONG, it’s not us! YOU didn’t trust God enough!
Me: Yes I did, and I prayed daily for 2 1/2 years over every aspect of this mystical person’s life…
Church: Nope, you aren’t good enough, that’s why God is withholding this from you. Is there some issue in your life that you don’t know about?
Me: Um, let’s see, college degree, career, can pay my own way, no. I don’t have any gaping character flaws, I’m a pretty decent person.
Church: You’re still wrong. It’s your fault. You should be better.
Me: I did what you told me.
Church: You’re being bitter.
Me: All I want is companionship…
Church: Nope. You aren’t good enough for this basic human need. You deserve to be alone. You shouldn’t expect God to provide a spouse for you anyway.
Me: You told me God would provide for my every need, and basic human companionship IS a basic need.
*I graduate college, while watching everyone else I know get married, then all my friends drop me.*
Me: *thinks to self* So this is what I get for doing everything the right way, a lifetime of being alone. Yay me.
😦 Dumb. It’s ALL dumb.
Yep. If you are raised in church, you are told (at least I was) that if you are a good Christian girl, and follow certain rules, remain faithful, and trust in God, that God will one day send you a spouse.
(And pepper in the occasional Christian testimony you may see on TV or in a blog as you are growing up, by some lady who says she trusted God for a spouse, and *bingo*, God sent her one.)
But you get into your late 20s, then your 30s, (I am between 45 – 50 years of age), and despite the fact I followed all the rules, lived “godly,” etc, I never got a Mr. Right.
You mention that fact to Christians though, and how confused and sad it makes you, and they accuse you of being entitled, being bitter, they will tell you (I’ve actually had this happen), they will tell you very indignantly, “how dare you expect anything from God.”
And I sit there, very confused, because these are the SAME PEOPLE (i.e., Christians) who taught me when I was younger that yes, I could in fact count on or expect God to send me a spouse.
But now they’re changing the play book and the rules and saying No, and I am selfish or entitled for expecting what they told me I should expect????
I have two or three posts about this very thing, and it’s annoyed me for years.
Here is one of about 3 or 4 posts I have about this subject on this blog:
(Link): “Women Who Dump Women Friends As Soon As They Get A Spouse or Boyfriend (Letter to Advice Columnist)“
I’ve had many women Christian friends, who, once they got married, they pretty much ignored me.
I had one married friend whose spouse was in the military.
When he gets sent on a tour of duty to the Middle East, while she remains alone for a year or more in the States, she would increase her contact with me.
The moment her husband rolls back into town, though, she suddenly cannot find the time for me, even months after his return. You definitely end up feeling used in these situations.
Christian TV show Pat Robertson drives me crazy on this point. Every so often, an un-married woman will write to his TV show saying how lonely she is, and why won’t God send her a husband?, she asks Pat Robertson
Robertson usually replies by quoting a Bible verse at the woman, the one that says “God sets the lonely in families.”
I may have done a post about that on my blog, I don’t remember, if not, I should do one, because that is a load of nonsense.
God has not provided me with any sort of companionship – never mind a husband, he has not even provided me with any close friends I can lean on or talk to.
Such a crock.
But Pat likes to quote that Bible verse at every single, marginalized adult single who writes in saying they can’t seem to get a spouse or friends.
I just mentioned at the bottom of
(Link): this post
(under the main content) about an older single Christian woman I tried to confide in off and on a few months ago, and it did not go completely well.
The older one gets, it seems it gets more and more difficult to get married (met eligible men), to make platonic friends, etc. God sure as hell has not planted me in a family.
(I mean, I have biological living family but as I’ve mentioned in other blog posts, I cannot turn to them or talk to them.
Most of them have bad temper problems and are not interested in being there for me. But they expect me to provide THEM with emotional support, which I’ve done for years.)
Yes, the shaming they give singles for that is disgusting. And it’s usually done by people in more or less happy or marginally happy marriages. They are getting all their companionship needs met.
What kills me are the stupid, hollow, simplistic Christian cliches, about how “the LORD will be your husband,” and “Jesus will be your boyfriend.” (I have posts on the blog about that stuff.)
No, I don’t want the “LORD” to be my boyfriend or spouse, I’d like an honest- to- goodness, regular human guy to date and marry and spoon on the couch with while watching TV, thank you!
Edit. – Something else, too, is a lot of Christian teaching I heard while growing up would tell you if you’re still single by age X, in spite of wanting to being married, it’s because God is “cleaning you up,” or God is preparing the other person for marriage, and that is why you’re supposedly still single…
But it’s usually taught in such a way to victim-blame the marriage-desiring single adult who hasn’t married yet.
I wrote a post or two about it, such as,
(Link): Does God Require Singles to Be Perfect Before He Will Send Them a Spouse
The short answer is NO, you don’t have to be perfect, godly, or whatever to merit a spouse.
I have a million examples on my blog (under one of the permanent blog pages), with links to news articles about CHRISTIAN (and Non-Christian) MARRIED men and women who have been arrested for drug use, pedophilia, prostitution, robbing stores, etc, etc.
Obviously, if being perfect or godly was a requirement of God’s for people to marry, none of those law breakers and sickos I blogged about would be married, but they are!!
I don’t know whether here or some other page of your blog where this would be appropriate to post. But I hope you hold on to that which the Lord gave you. I do not say this as one offering false hope nor platitudinous cliches. Rather, I say this as one who is a lifelong single man now in his forties who — like you — has suffered the same callousness and ridicule for toughing it out.
Like you, I have done X, Y, and Z and yet have not received a spouse. I have been patient though pained, seeking though discouraged, and prayerfully requesting though left single….still. But, through it all, the hurt feelings, the testing of faith, the feelings of abandonment, and the ridicule and scorn of others, I have held onto my sincere faith in God.
Your faith is your own and it is not my place to tell you how to live it or how to relate to God. But I would ask only that you allow God’s mercies to continue to guard your heart against disbelief or — worse — against total despair. I’ve been there. I am there. I know the pain. I know the loneliness. God said that it wasn’t right for Adam to be alone. Yet I am alone.
But I stay true to my heart, having kept my promise to God to stay abstinent until marriage even when the world and the Church around me has ignored every bit of His teachings on this subject. It is safe to say that as I’ve gotten older, the very fact that I’m not sexually active has made me more and more of an outcast even in the face of other Christians. People look at me with disgust like I’m strange or have no desires simply because I won’t debase myself to do what they themselves have done or suggest that I do.
No, I hold on to my promise. And that’s a part of what gives me strength. Ironically, though I am hurt for being single, I can draw strength on the fact that I have not strayed. I have not taken false opportunities and I have tried to keep focused on a prize that often seems too far out of reach. But by keeping my faith in this area, I am given a strength of purpose that enhances my relationship with God. His will for my life seems unfair and I may never know for sure how it’s supposed to be. But I believe that the Lord is sympathetic with my plight even if He hasn’t seen fit to let me experience the love that He bestowed on Adam and almost all of us throughout all of human history.
I love the Lord my God. I believe in and speak my heart to Jesus and I know He hears my prayers. I listen for His reply and I know He does not me to suffer. Yet I will suffer, so long as it is my lot in life despite the naysayers and despite even fellow Christians that don’t understand or — worse — think ill of me in their hearts. I am a man of God. I am by no means perfect but I strive to be like Christ and I hope for better things out of life. And I hold on….still suffering through loneliness, still being patient, still hurting and wondering why I must continue to be alone. But I hold on. And I’ll keep holding on. It defines me and it will continue to define me until and if something else defines me.
My hope is in the Lord. If I never find love upon this earth, I will continue to mourn. Yet I do have a blessed assurance that, despite all the problems in this life — the injustices, the suffering, the pain, the loneliness, the scorn — I will find a perfect paradise in Heaven one day. And I will find that those who join me there will no longer have a heart that scorns or ridicules me.
I truly hope you find love in your life. And I won’t tell you to just suffer and be thankful because “at least you get to go to Heaven”. No, what I would tell you is just to hold fast to the Lord. His ways are not our ways and His will for us can be confusing. While it may be true that people like you and me are not finding love despite our obedience, there are others who do obey God’s ways and also find love. I hope it isn’t that we are meant not to experience love. But even if it is so, the Lord is our greatest love and you, me, and others like us can have a peace that we can be examples of what it means to trust in the Lord despite our longsuffering….knowing not if we ever receive the temporal joys, yet we strive on to the final and ultimate goal….not Heaven itself, but being in the eternal presence of our God, face to face to the one who loves us with a perfect love.
Despite our pains, God still loves us with a perfect love and I hope you are able to see that and continue to experience Him.
Just stumbled across your blog and reading a few articles right now.
You are amazing. Rants, points, arguments included.
That. is. all.
Thank you, The hope wall. I am blushing.
You might want to read my (Link): About Page
You may eventually come across a blog post on here where I say something that ticks you off.
I’m kind of right wing on politics and social issues, but criticize fellow right wingers quite a bit. But then, I sometimes do posts where I criticize left winger on things, depending on the topic.
Because I’m struggling with the Christian faith, I veer back and forth between criticizing it and defending it.
If I see articles where I think Non-Christians are being unfair towards the faith or Christians in general, I might write a page defending them or the faith. It depends.
Some people find my blog confusing, or my Twitter account confusing, because some of them can’t figure out if I’m right or left wing, or a Christian or an atheist/ agnostic. I don’t mean to confuse people. I spell out some of my views on the “About” page.
Thank you again for leaving a comment and for dropping by. Hopefully, even if you find some views of mine that tick you off or that you disagree with, you’ll enjoy the rest of the blog anyhow. 🙂
CP, what Christian teachers and leaders teach about how to go about the godly way of getting a spouse, and then turning around and blaming you for having “the nerve” to think God owes you anything for having followed the teachings…totally resonates with me.
I was listening to an archived podcast by Frank Sontag who is on a Christian radio station and during this episode, he spoke of a woman in her fifties who wrote him an email asking why God never granted her a spouse in the over thirty years since she became a Christian and did everything she was told to do – pray diligently, attend church, read the Bible, serve, ect., she never ended up getting married. She also wanted a lucrative acting career and that has never happened either though praying faithfully. She said she has prayed to God that if it was not in his will for her to be married, to take away that desire to be married and have a career in acting but neither desire disappeared. She said that she was beginning to lose faith.
The host, Frank, lambasted her, insinuating, how dare she have the nerve to be upset about this? How dare she feel God owed her anything? That how could she even think about complaining when she now has eternal life and that she’s got an apartment and a car? I could hardly believe how insensitive this guy sounded. He always came across as kind of full of himself on the show but I thought maybe I was just being overreactive and critical and continued to listen to his shows until I came across this one. I can no longer intentionally listen to his podcasts or his show when I’m in the car when it’s on. To say I’m disgusted with the way he responded is an understatement. And this guy is happily married, from the impression I got.
Thanks for reading.
Thanks for leaving comments.
Yeah, there is a lot of hypocrisy among some conservative Christians on these topics.
Christians told me when I was a kid to do “X,” (whether “X” was have faith, attend church, pray, whatever it may be) and if I did “X” then God would surely send me a spouse later in life.
So I spent my life doing “X,” have never married, and when I bring this fact up on some Christian forums and blogs, some of the Christians then shout me down and tell me how dare I expect to think I deserve a spouse, or that I can earn or merit one from God.
This is, in some cases, I suspect, tied in with other questionable Christian views, like the one that goes, “You don’t deserve happiness,” or, “God doesn’t want you to be happy, he wants you to be holy.”
I’ve yet to see a Bible verse (and I’ve read the whole Bible) where it says, “God does not want you to be happy.”
Now, there is no verse that says, “God wants you to be happy all the time and will never allow pain in your life,” that is true, but I’ve never seen the “God doesn’t want you happy” line in there.
Jesus says he came so his followers could have an “abundant life,” which sure seems to denote some level of enjoyment or happiness in this life, IMO.
Yet, I’ve heard many Christians over my life try to appeal to Non-Christians to become Christians by telling them something like, “You will never find happiness in life until you accept Christ.”
You know, a lot of Christians hold out happiness (or joy, peace, stability, whatever) as a carrot to entice folks to accept Jesus.
So when folks bite, become Christian, yet their life is not filled with happiness (or with joy, peace, etc), these Christians get shouted down and criticized for it; they will be scolded with, “How dare you expect to think you deserve or can earn happiness from God. And, by the way, wanting personal happiness is selfishness.”
I have now rejected most all Christian teachings I’ve heard or read on most subjects, including the ones about dating and marriage because they simply do not work in real life, and they are filled with hypocrisy.
My heart goes out to that 50-something woman you mentioned. I definitely know how she feels, I’m there myself.
If she wants to get married, she will have to go after it, pursue it, join dating sites, and/or ask friends to set her up on dates.
I’d recommend that she really needs to stop expecting prayer, God, or faith to send her a spouse. I don’t think God, faith, and prayer is working for many singles who want marriage but who are still single.
That Frank Sontag guy should be punched in his throat for his crummy, heartless advice – it’s the very Christian culture he is from that brainwashes singles like the lady you mentioned to believe if she just follows the rules (prays, has faith, whatever) that God will send her a spouse.
But when she doesn’t get that spouse that Christians promised her she would get, and she asks about it, or expresses sorrow or frustration with it, they clobber her for it. It’s repulsive how Christians do this to singles, it really is. Shame on them.
And you are correct – usually the heartless scum wads like ol’ Frank there are usually married. Married Christians find it so very easy to insult, mock, criticize, or shame singles who desire marriage and cannot meet a compatible partner.
I feel like this quote can apply to this situation (from this page):
I really do think that applies to how the church promises adult singles marriage, but when marriage doesn’t happen after singles follow the standard Christian relationship advice, the church then insults the singles.
Thanks for dropping by, and I hope you return on a regular basis! 🙂
Hey I found my old comment by re-browsing your posts again !
I hope the lady I wrote about has found someone and is happy now. I have not listened to that Frank jerk since I wrote that and I don’t plan to ever again. It’s not just him but I find myself feeling depressed after listening to other Christian programs too because they are out of touch with real life and how how circumstances don’t reconcile neatly with biblical principles.
I recall one woman calling into an afternoon show on the radio hosted by two male Christian doctors I believe (psychologists or psychiatrists) and she expressed how she was tormented by the possibility that her mom or dad (I can’t be sure which one it was or if it was another close family member) might have gone to hell. I don’t know if this is because she doubted if her mom or dad asked Jesus to be their personal Savior before they passed or what exactly . Do you know what the man said? While he empathized with her, he said that when she (the caller) dies and goes to heaven, she’s gonna be so happy that she isn’t gonna care if her mom or dad made it or not !!!!
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing and the way he said it. And I was disgusted. My mom has always nagged me to watch and listen to Christian tv and radio but I’m afraid that I’ll just keep getting more and more put off by them that I’ll turn away from the faith completely which I am trying to hold onto, the remnants of what I can anyway. And oh yes, I do not want to become more bitter as a result. LOL
I would love to see how that Frank guy would respond to a website like yours …the exchange would be interesting for sure.
Keep up the great posts CP!!
I know, listening to or reading standard Christian stuff can be very depressing. So many Christians don’t like to deal with the messy or painful reality of life, and they love lists and rules.
If you just follow a set of rules and principles, they think your life will be wonderful all the time. Of course, that’s not how it works out.
These Christians haven’t read the book of Job in the Old Testament, I would guess. Job followed all the rules, he lived a clean life, and he still ended up losing all of his money, half his family died, etc.
Being a good person or following rules isn’t a guarantee you won’t have pain or problems in life.
I can’t imagine she’ll find that too comforting, no. But from the evangelical or conservative Christian perspective, I don’t know how else that guy could answer.
If there’s a literal Heaven and Hell, and only Christ-believers go to Heaven, and they remember their (“un-saved”) loved ones while in Heaven, I don’t know if God erases their loved one from their memory who isn’t there, or what. I have no idea how that works.
He sounds like he might be a fighter. I myself don’t like debating and fighting, which is one reason of a few I say on the rules page of this blog I generally don’t allow dissent.
Frank would probably think I’m a heretic since I occasionally cuss on this blog and I’m in a faith crisis the last few years.
I don’t agree with male headship (a lot of Christians think the BIble teaches stuff like men are the boss in marriage, women should not lead, etc, stuff I no longer agree with).
I would assume Frank believes in that male headship stuff and would assume I’m a feminist, which I am not. (I believe in equality for women, but I don’t like the “feminist” word because it’s often associated with political views I don’t hold.)
It was nice talking to you again. I hope you keep returning, and I wish you the best. I hope you eventually find your “Mr. Right,” if you are still wanting to get married. 🙂
Dear C.P., oh, wow, dear lady, this may be your best post yet. I do not say that because I am deeply honored by the fact that you mentioned this blogger in your posting. I am deeply honored, humbled and touched by your kindness. As a man, I do have things I will like to add to this topic, but will need a couple of days to probably organize my thoughts on this. I am going to repost one of the things you said in your article because they sum up everything I feel and believe. Thank you for everything.
“But so what if you are bitter? You are entitled to being bitter about this.”
I stopped feeling guilty years ago about the very few times t hat I have felt bitter. Who are they to tell us how to feel?
More to follow in a future posting. Thank you all for listening.
You have your own blog (Link): Here.
If you would like to write your thoughts there, I could do a separate post on my blog, then give a link to your post on your blog.
I don’t know if you’ve ever done a blog post on Word Press before, but it’s not hard. They let you save drafts, if you cannot or do not want to write the post all in one sitting.
Anyway. I find it so maddening.
I’m trying to come to terms with, is all of the Christian faith useless and a joke, or just how it has been taught to me?
I’m not seeing how the Christian faith is helpful to people in this lifetime.
For the afterlife, I think it’s great – if you accept Christ, you get to go to Heaven when you die. Great. But in the meantime, what about problems and trials here and now?
I find the conflicting advice that Christians later revoke, and that they later revoke it, infuriating.
Christians tell you when you are a teen to do “X.”
So you spend your teen and adult years doing “X,” but realize later in life that X does not work.
So later in life, you mention that X does not work in letters or posts online in Christian forums, and the Christian community insults you and blames you for taking the Christian advice in the first place.
I don’t get it. You do as Christians say, and then Christians turn around later and blame you for having done what they taught you to do in the first place. That makes no sense to me, and seems like a very cruel prank to play on someone, to mess with their life like that.
As far as marriage goes, they imply or teach teen girls, if you want a husband later on, you need to do X, in order to earn or merit a husband from God.
When X fails to nab you a husband as they say in their sermons and books, and you mention this in forums, Christians then jump on you to scream,
“But God is all about grace! You do not earn a spouse from doing X! A woman who does not do X her whole life is equally deserving of a spouse.”
Okay, then, what was the point in Christians telling me to do X when I was a teen to earn a spouse, if it turns out that doing X cannot earn me or get me a spouse form God after all?
They blame me for following rules they themselves laid down and told me to follow when I was a kid.
Which tells me I should have been living life on my own terms from the start.
I should have been ignoring most everything Christians have to teach on almost every topic, ever since I was a kid.
Christians really “move the goal posts” on teachings, dreams, hopes, and what to expect in life.
I mean, really.
To teach a girl, “Just do X, and God will send you a spouse,” but you later say to Christians,
“Okay, I did X, but it did not work,”
then they reply, “Doing X is not supposed to work that way. You’re not supposed to get a spouse by doing X, how dare you have such a big ego and assume that.”
So, Christians were lying to me in my youth, I take it?
Some of them are still doing this. Some Christians are still teaching their teen daughters that if they are good girls, or just do X, Y, Z, that God will send them a spouse later.
They are really teaching a lot of double standards to people, then blaming those people when their stupid teachings do not work.
Anyway, if you make a blog post about it on your own blog, let me know here, and I can make a post about it.
If you leave comments here, I can make your comments into a guest post on my blog, if you like.
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