This Is Why Being a Nice Guy Just Isn’t Enough by E. Tatum / Double Standards By The Anti-Celibacy Crowd About Friendships and Sexualization of Everything
You’ll have to use the link below to read the entire page entitled, “This Is Why Being a Nice Guy Just Isn’t Enough”, because I don’t want to copy their entire post here on my blog.
One thing I want to point out is a bit of a double standard going on here.
First of all, I first became aware of this “Nice Guys” article by way of Facebook group SCCL (Stuff Christian Culture Likes). Sometimes I agree with some of this group’s views on some issues, sometimes I do not.
SCCL is a group that regularly mocks or criticizes the traditional Christian position of upholding or defending the notions of celibacy, or of being a virgin until marriage – sometimes these concepts are all lumped together by them, and by others elsewhere on the internet, under the term “purity culture”.
I have argued on my blog the last few years that it is possible to be celibate, to refrain from having sex, and for men and women to be platonic friends.
I have also argued that it is society, both secular culture, as well as conservative and progressive Christian culture, and most secular feminism, which perpetuates the sexualization all male-female relationships (or even male-male, or female-female relationships).
For doing all this, for defending my choice, or the choice of others to be celibate, and for pointing out that not everything in life has to be sexual or is about sex, I sometimes get insulted or mocked by other people on the internet.
Everyone from secular feminists, to ex-Christians, to conservative Christians, to atheists (yes, ’tis so, click here to read), to political liberals, to political conservatives insult me or ridicule me for all this.
All these groups, who normally loathe each other – the atheists cannot stand conservative Christians, the liberals don’t like the conservatives and so on- all never- the- less totally agree that there is something bad, wrong, or weird about adults who choose to stay celibate, whatever their reason.
All these disparate groups fight like cats on dogs on many other topics, but they all come into agreement on this: they despise and ridicule celibacy (and sometimes, asexuality).
Do these people in these groups ever stop to consider, “Hey, other groups I normally disagree with on fundamental life choices happen to share with me a suspicion, dislike, or fear of celibacy, does this mean something, like maybe I’ve been wrong in my views about celibacy?”
I think it does. That your arch enemy chooses to fight with you on all other issues yet mocks celibacy right along with you might indicate that both of you are either misinformed about celibacy or terribly biased against celibates. Yeah, you might want to ponder that one for awhile.
There are more comments by me below this long excerpt:
(Link): This Is Why Being a Nice Guy Just Isn’t Enough by E. Tatum
- There are a lot of really wonderful, well-intentioned men who have a difficult time understanding the difference between being nice to women and being an ally to women and women’s causes.
- Then there are other men who pretend to be nice in order to validate their manipulation of women for sex and romance. These are the people who I like to refer to as Nice Guys™.
- While this article is dedicated to helping nice men become better feminist allies, I want to take a second to clarify the difference between an authentically nice guy and a Nice Guy™.
- (Link): Nice Guys™, as many of you know, have become the object of (Link): much loathing in feminist circles and among women and girls in general.Online, this is the guy who posts hashtags like #NotAllMen and (Link): #ReverseSexism, whenever we publish articles about (Link): street harassment, (Link): rape culture, and (Link): male privilege.
- He is the exaggeratedly faux timid (read: passive aggressive) dude who still complains about the girls that didn’t date him in high school on message boards and in every other status update.
- Though the most stereotypical incarnation of the Nice Guy™ is a fedora-clad dudebro who spends too much time on Reddit and would probably push a six-year-old girl out of the way to get his hands on My Little Pony merchandise, the more garden-variety Nice Guy™ can be more difficult to spot.
- Basically, he’s anyone who regards sex as the ultimate goal of interacting with women, and in turn views the idea of a nonsexual friendship with a woman as an abysmal failure.
- Trademarks of a Nice Guy™ include trying to guilt trip women into having sex, claiming that sex should be the inevitable reward for basic acts of friendship, and only being interested in building a friendship until the woman in question rejects them romantically.
- When he gets rejected, he cites every single time they did something nice for her, repeatedly asks her out (as in stalks her), and calls her a coldhearted bitch if she refuses to magically reciprocate his feelings within an almost instantaneous period of time.
- A Nice Guy™ truly cements his status as soon as he begins to complain that (Link): “women only date assholes.”
- These men all seem to share the core belief that the women they are interested in owe them sex or romance to compensate for “investing” their time and energy into making them actually believe that they were decent human beings – even if only for a brief period of time.Needless to say, women don’t take kindly to this sort of logic.
- As such, the figure of the Nice Guy™ easily becomes synonymous with misogyny and a lack of compassion for women’s issues. But what if you’re not a Nice Guy™? What if you’re just a really nice guy?
- …Gender and Culture Often Influences Unintentional Sexism
- Think about how male/female interaction and male/female friendship is portrayed in the media: Romantic implications almost immediately overshadow every dynamic. We’re not taught to envision relationships that don’t have a sexualized end goal.
- …But even if your relationship is not romantic or even inclined towards that possibility, it’s still probably impacted by gender and gender roles.
- … Because men are positioned as protective authority figures and women are allegedly fragile or in need of that guidance or protection, men are expected to play the dominant role in relationships with women.
- Given that dominance can be associated with aggression, nice guys are taught to be chivalrous towards women to prove that they’re gentlemen. You’re supposed to hold open doors, pull out chairs, and so on.
- Though there are many problems with this dynamic, the primary concern is that Nice Guys™ expect this behavior to be immediately rewarded. That’s male entitlement.
- Nice guys, however, operate more under the assumption that they should be chivalrous towards all women because that’s just how you’re supposed to act.
- … You should respect all women because they’re human beings first and foremost.
- … It’s True That Nice Guys Only Get So Far – If Your Sole Goal For Interacting with Women Is Sex or Romance
- … However, it’s important to note that men are very quick to absolve themselves of responsibility for sexism. As soon as they’ve successfully proven they’re not part of the problem, the problem isn’t a problem anymore.
- …Passivity is still complicity.Just because you’re not actively or intentionally sexist or misogynistic doesn’t mean that you aren’t involved in creating an environment that perpetuates those forces.
((Click Here To Read the Rest of the Post Why Being a Nice Guy Just Isn’t Enough))
But you see how the author of the above piece points out that society conditions both men and women (but especially men) to view all relationships as being sexual, or how having sex is assumed to be the goal of all relationships, and how those beliefs and assumptions lead to all sorts of negative consequences?
Yes, I’ve been saying some of these very same things on the blog in the context of how churches (and secular culture) mistreat adults singles and adult celibates, but when I explain these things, I get insulted or ridiculed for it.
This person writes about these topics in the context of feminism, dating, and how some men act like creepy stalkers towards women, and the article gets applauded and shared by groups who usually mock celibacy. Go figure. They will listen to these topics with respect when discussed by a secular feminist but not from a quasi-agnostic, Christian celibate adult.
Hat Tip to Stuff Christian Culture Likes Facebook Group, which is where I first saw this article
Related Posts at this Blog:
(Link): Nice Guys Aren’t So Nice After All: Men in the “Friend Zone” Often Have A Hidden Agenda, Say Psychologists (Daily Mail article)
(Link): Love-Sick Teenager Who Won’t Take No For an Answer is Finally Shut Down by his Ex-Girlfriend’s FATHER in an Epic Text Exchange – Men of All Ages Need To Learn to Handle Rejection and to Respect Other People’s Boundaries in Dating
(Link): How the Sexual Revolution Ruined Friendship – Also: If Christians Truly Believed in Celibacy and Virginity, they would stop adhering to certain sexual and gender stereotypes that work against both
(Link): Testosterone-Deficient Gamma Male Whines About the ‘Friend Zone’ (post from The Other McCain) – AKA, Ugly, Fat, Weird, Awkward, or Poor Nice Guys Who Unrealistically Expect to Attract Rich, Pretty, Thin, Socially Normal Women
(Link): Jesus Christ was not afraid to meet alone with known Prostitutes / Steven Furtick and Elevation Church Perpetuating Anti Singles Bias – ie, Single Women are Supposedly Sexual Temptresses, All Males Can’t Control Their Sex Drives – (but this view conflicts with evangelical propaganda that married sex is great and frequent)