People Really Hack Me Off (Part 1) The Hypocritical, Constantly Angry, Christian Ingrate (ex friend of mine)
I normally post about marriage, dating, and similar topics on this blog, but I wanted to talk about something else for now.
This post, and maybe future ones in this series, may contain strong language (expletives).
I don’t want any Christians reading this to leave complaints about the language. You are being forewarned there will be some strong language in this post, and probably any Part 2 or 3 I write.
It might be easier for me to divvy up the people and types of people I am angry at instead of tackling it all in one post.
The wider, common theme of this post (and perhaps future ones I do on this) has to do with people abandoning me in my time of greatest need, or people who treat me like trash and take from me, even though I spent years giving to them, and showing them compassion and was there for them in their time of crisis, but they did not return these gestures.
There’s been indifference and apathy to me and my situation, by church people, extended family, and some of these friends I am talking about in this post or in possible future posts.
To keep my anonymity intact, I will change around some details and names in the examples or stories I am telling.
Here is my first story.
I know this post will be very long, so you may get the feeling that this is a super huge deal in my life, but oddly, it’s not.
It’s rather minor, actually, it just takes me a long time to explain it. And to VENT about it.
But it does have me pissed off, still, months later.
It’s not that this incident or two alone in this post is huge and is what has me upset, it’s that it is a part of the smaller “drip – drip – drip” comprising the torrent of rain, and the ocean, and the sea, of consistent betrayal and pain other people have caused me the last few years.
I have – or had – an online friend.
We don’t really stay in touch anymore, our relationship is kind of vague and undefined at the moment.
We met in a forum several years ago. She is several years younger than I am. I think I may have mentioned her on this blog in a very old post or two.
I’m going to call her “Ellen.”
I have an older sister. I’ll call my older sister “Shirley,” which is not her real name.
I may do a separate post about Shirley in a future post.
All I will say for now is that Ellen and Shirley are very similar people. They have similar personalities.
So, when you read about “Ellen” here, just remember I’ve been dealing with this from an older sibling since childhood as well.
And good lord am I ever tired of both of them. I have had my fill.
Ellen and I became friends several years ago on a forum. We exchanged e-mail addresses and sometimes e-mailed each other.
Ellen would confide in me at times about her problems.
I was supportive of her. I would give her words of encouragement and just let her know I was listening and cared.
Ellen turned down my offer to give her a phone call once, when she was going through a very stressful time. I volunteered to phone her and just listen if she needed to vent or cry.
Ellen had financial problems for a few years, she shared with me that she is obese (she weighs 200 or more pounds).
Ellen also told me that she quit her one, old professional, full time, job in a fit of anger and regretted it.
Ellen says she wants a boyfriend, has never had a boyfriend, and worries she will never get one because of her excess weight.
Ellen told me she had student loan debts, and creditors kept hounding her all the time, and this went on for 2 or more years.
I was sympathetic to her during this time.
Ellen has a temper. She is almost always angry at someone or something.
If you visit this blog, recall you are not seeing a full picture of me. I may come across perpetually angry on my blog to you, but that is because I use this blog for the express purpose of venting about how singles are treated so poorly by churches.
Most often when I make blog posts here, I am not angry. I just come on to post a link and leave.
I’m not an angry person all the time.
As I crawl out of codependency the last couple of years, there has been some anger.
I have read content by psychologists who say it’s normal for someone coming out of codependency, like I am, to be intensely angry for a year or more as they work through their repressed anger.
But even in spite of that, and in spite of my ranty blog posts about singles and the church, I’m not an angry person at the core.
If I default to any negative emotions at all (when I am not on this blog), I am more inclined to become depressed or suffer anxiety, than I am to get angry or to act angry.
But my friend Ellen’s default emotional state and way of dealing with life – and this is so true of my sister “Shirley” as well – is to stay angry and to explode in absolute rages from time to time.
Ellen is an angry person at her core. That is one of her defining qualities.
Ellen has two or three blogs.
I only visited one of Ellen’s blogs for a short time years ago but didn’t read it closely.
I would assume if her blog writing style is anything like how she writes to me over the years, it’s probably chock full of content such as:
- “FUCK YOU! FUCK GOD! Fuck my life! I hate you!
- I hate my life, I hate my temp job at a phone call center, fuck them!!!
- “The customers suck.
- If there is a God, why won’t he send me a “real” job, Fuck God for not caring. FUCK EVERYONE.”
I would imagine that would be the tone and writing style at her blog, on a consistent basis.
I may slip in that ranty, angry place on occasion on my blog myself, but not in every single post. On her blog, I would guess that (the fury) would be the standard posting style, not an anomaly.
I have read many of Ellen’s long (and sometimes short) rants over the years when she gets angry at her life, or her parents, or whatever, and she would send me private messages on forums, or in e- mails.
The last I heard, Ellen went from living with her parents and a sibling or two, to moving across the nation to live with her grandfather. I’m not sure where she is now.
She is in her 30s currently – probably around 35, 37 years old now.
She’s been broke for years, ever since she quit her last job, and she really kicks herself in regret for quitting that job.
Ellen had to take a temporary job at a K-Mart, scrubbing toilets for minimum wage. I felt bad for her.
Even in the few months after my mother passed away, which let’s say was in 2007, which Ellen and the other women at the forum knew about, because I told them about it, Ellen was, every other week or so, posting some of the most inane, idiotic complaints.
My mother’s death and how I was not coping well with it was not a topic I talked about often at that forum.
I probably discussed my mother’s passing maybe once every other month at the forum, and I tried to keep it short, maybe a five sentence paragraph or so.
I think I blogged about all this before. Here is a recap.
While I was trying to cope with the death of someone near and dear to me in the first few months after the passing (and even years later), Ellen would complain and whine about her “First World Problems” during that time, and after.
Literally within the first three to five months of my mother’s passing, when I would post occasionally about the death (maybe one brief post per month or so), Ellen would then jump it to say,
- “Well let me tell you MY sad, frustrating story.
- “My kid brother accidentally knocked my new nail polish bottle over last week, and it’s all gone now! I am so angry!
- “That was my favorite polish, and I am steamed it is all gone now.
- “I don’t think Wal Mart will put it on sale any time soon, what am I going to do?”
Ellen would seriously post to complain and whine about things as petty as chipped nail polish, a run in her panty hose, etc.
I am changing some details so as to remain anonymous, but I will give you one actual, real thing Ellen complained about at that time.
Ellen left a note in a password protected forum that only myself and about 3 other ladies could read.
In that post, just weeks after my mother died, Ellen left a post on the PPF (Password Protected Forum) telling us that her parents had accidentally dropped her lap top computer and broke the battery or gizmo thing inside it, so that it was broken, but she still had two other good lap tops and a desk top computer that worked just fine.
But Ellen was very, very angry and distraught over her parents breaking her one lap top battery.
I am not joking.
A broken lap top computer was the level of her problems in her life, and the source of her whining and complaining and heartbreak in life.
My mother was dead, I’m sitting here in deep grief, and she was bitching to me and the 2 or 3 other ladies about her busted computer (and she had spare computers to use).
—- SUICIDE —
But wait, it gets better!
Also on that occasion, and in future ones, Ellen would threaten to commit suicide.
She said this incident over the computer made her want to kill herself.
I took Ellen seriously, because don’t the suicide experts say to always take suicide threats seriously?
To gauge how serious she was, after offering her words of comfort (I told her how sorry I was her parents broke her computer), I asked her if she attempted suicide before?
Ellen said yes, that back as a teenager, she had tried to kill herself at a McDonald’s restroom, and someone called 911, an ambulance showed up and the paramedics bandaged up her wrists.
So, that alone told me she may be serious about killing herself, if she had tried to before.
She was still living at home with her parents at this time, and had a warm relationship with her grandpa, who she phoned often.
I told Ellen that she really needed to tell her grandpa and her parents what she was telling us in the forum, since we are only people on a forum and can do only so much for her, but offer words of comfort.
I told Ellen that her parents could get her to see a psychologist or get on anti depressant medications, and that could really help her out.
Flash forward a few more weeks, and Ellen left another rant- filled, insane, over- the- top angry post about something equally trivial – like her favorite rock band was in town, but she couldn’t afford to see them, so she was going to commit suicide.
Here is a reminder for you:
- Ellen is NOT a teen kid. She was around her early 30s at the time she started writing this kind of thing. She is now in her mid or late 30s. She is not a child.
Again, she’s pulling this bullshit within weeks and mere months after my mother died.
I was alone after my mother died, I had nobody (outside of a few acquaintances on the internet) to talk to about it.
And here this toad is complaining about rock band tickets, or broken lap top computer batteries and other nonsense.
But at the time, I was very nice and supportive of her about all this.
I talked kindly to her. I gave her the phone number to the Suicide Prevention Hotline.
There were about two more incidents that year, weeks apart, that first year after my mother died, where Ellen would explode in rages in the PPF (forum) over her nail polish getting chipped, or her mother forgetting to put the milk back in the fridge.
And Ellen would rant and rant about this stuff and sometimes threaten to kill herself over it.
As recently as about eight to ten months ago, Ellen left another post for us in this PPF, saying she was through with life and she was going to kill herself.
In the months before that, when Ellen left similar messages, she would sometimes delete them shortly after making them. I would see them before she would delete them.
At least one occasion, she admitted, in another thread, sheepishly, after having made such a post and deleting it, that she was being a “drama queen.”
Yes, she sure as hell was being a Drama Queen. And it began to wear thin after a few years.
Anyway, last year or so when she made yet another threat to off herself, I did not reply to it.
This was the first time ever I had not replied to her on something like this. I did not even click the post to read it.
You have to understand by this time, I was tired of her.
About once to twice a year, every year, for about 8 to ten years, Ellen would come on to the PPF to claim she’s had it with her life, and she is going to kill herself.
It took me the 6th or 8th, or whatever, suicide threat to realize she only does this for attention. And it makes me want to punch her in the face.
I used to have clinical depression and suicidal ideation myself. (I still sometimes fall into depression now, but not as badly as before.)
I don’t, or did not, go around telling people about my suicidal thoughts, not people I know personally on other sites. I keep it to myself.
I certainly do not go around saying, “That’s it, cruel world, I’m going to off myself!,” when I am feeling down and depressed. I didn’t use it to get sympathy.
Ellen admitted a time or two in the P.P.F. that the reason she leaves her annoying, self absorbed rants at the P.P. forum, is that nobody reads the blogs she writes to when she rants about the same topics on her blogs.
She said she knew if she posts her rants at our PPF, that at least one person there (almost always ME, by the way) would read and respond.
I think Ellen was using the suicide threats to get attention, to get reads, to get replies. It makes me sick and angry to this day.
I would have read and replied to her angry posts WITHOUT the suicide threats in the subject headings or body text.
You don’t have to threaten suicide to get my attention or sympathy, F.F.S.
The fact that Ellen usually (what seemed about 70% or more of the time) kept putting suicide threats in her post headings and body content actually made me less likely to read them.
So the last time Ellen left a post with a, “Good bye, cruel world, this is it, fuck life,” heading, I did not even click on it. Did not even bother to read it.
I had already read several of her “Goodbye Cruel World” posts in the years past and could not stand any more.
I thought to myself,
- “I am so very tired of your Drama Queen, Attention Whoring, pity plays.
- How dare you, you little self absorbed cretin, think chipped nail polish is a bigger tragedy than my mother having dropped dead.
- “I have spent the last several years reading your cry baby posts and giving you sympathy. I resent that you use suicide threats to get attention and replies.”
I did not tell her any of that, but I thought it to myself the last time she left another suicide note, because her parents grounded her from going out, or whatever stupid thing she was griping about on that occasion.
(And again, yes, she is an adult who is in her 30s, she is not a teen-ager.)
I did try to drop Ellen a hint after about the first year of this behavior of how shallow and clueless she was being.
I tried to be gentle about it.
I very gently pointed out to her that she could
- “always buy new nail polish or a new lap top computer battery, but I cannot replace my mother. My mother is dead and rotting in the ground.
- “You, however, still have living family and can go to Wal-Mart and buy new nail polish.
- Please try to keep things in perspective.”
I got a glimmer of hope, because she replied to that, “I guess you are right, I maybe should not blow up so much” or something…
But she continued to rant about stupid things on occasion after that and drop the occasional suicide threat, because her kid brother ate the last of the chunky peanut butter, or something equally stupid.
Normally, I do not compare other people’s suffering to mine and tell them theirs does not count and tell them to STFU (shut the fuck up) about it and Get Over It Already (I rarely do this, I hate it when people do it to me, (Link): please see this post).
But trust me, this Ellen person was choosing to explode in rages and threaten suicide because of stupid, stupid, way stupid shit like she wanted Rocky Road flavor ice cream, but the BaskIn Robbins store was all out and had to give her Mint Chocolate Chip flavor.
Ellen was seriously blowing up over very, very trivial annoyances like that. And she still does.
A few days later, a different member saw Ellen’s post with the suicide threat in the heading and left her a very kind reply with the Suicide Prevention Hotline number.
I sent that member a private note and told her,
- “Look, Ellen has been doing this for years.
- Surely you remember some of her previous suicide notes from five, six years ago? She leaves one of these on our forum about once or twice per year, like clock work.
- You have not seen them all because I stop by this forum more often than you. Sometimes she makes such a note then deletes it an hour later.”
I further told this other member (this is a paraphrase, my actual wording was a lot more sensitive and diplomatic),
- It sure is considerate of you to speak kindly to her, but I’ve been doing that for YEARS now, I have been consoling her, and she is still making these threats.
- I have given Ellen the Suicide hotline phone number before, in the past.
- I don’t think she is serious, she just wants someone to agree that her life is shitty and to feel sorry for her.
- In the future, please reconsider responding to her suicide notes.
- I already told her if she is this troubled, she needs to confer with her parents to get her into therapy.
- She chooses, rather, to come to this forum and do these ranty posts over usually trivial annoyances in life, like she got a run in her panty hose, she can’t get dates, her brother drank the last Coca Cola in the house, and she says she will slit her wrists.
- She’s being a drama queen.
- She has been doing this for years at this forum.
- I am through with coddling her on this stuff.”
That may sound cold to you, but you have to remember I dealt with Ellen over this for a period of YEARS.
It has gone on for YEARS, and I was her main source of support, the other women hardly ever left her posts.
Ellen told me a time or two she has no friends, so I am guessing that I was her only friend.
She does having siblings and parents, but I was her only friend, and I only know her over the internet, we’ve not even spoken on the phone.
I was very patient the first few years, super sweet and patient with Ellen, but after four, five, seven, whatever it was, years of this same behavior, you get tired of the constant toddler-like melt downs, and that she seems largely unaware that YOU are going through problems yourself, and your problems are MORE SEVERE than hers.
Ellen cries over spilled milk and other stupid things, meanwhile, you are dealing with more serious problems in life.
She only cares about her spilled milk though, not whatever problem you have.
It gets very tiresome dealing with someone as perpetually angry, who blows up at everything, even stupid small things, who says once or twice a year, things like,
- “My favorite TV show was cancelled this week. How shall I cope?
- I am so pissed at the anal raping fags at the network for quitting this show!!11!!
- I shall go hang myself with a rope now.
- Does anyone here know how to tie a noose?
- Is there a web site that instructs you how to tie a noose?
- I mean, this show is not even out on DVD or Hulu, I will have to jump off the bridge and kill myself tonight, why should I bother living anymore?
- Fuck the network. Fuck God for letting this show go off air.
- I can’t get a boyfriend. My brother spilled my Kool Aid three days ago, too, that asshole.
- Why can I never get a break in life, fuck everybody!!!”
-and who you have encouraged to seek professional counseling on more than one occasion, but she refuses to look into that.
And yes, that captures her writing style. Ellen’s posts, especially when she is in a rage, are peppered with vulgar terms.
And yes, Ellen actually asked me or other forum members a time or two if we could point her to sites that contain specific suicide tips.
If Ellen ever does this ever again, the next time, I will leave her links to web sites that contain step by step suicide instructions, if I can find any. It will be up to her as to what to do with the information, but she is bluffing. She uses the suicide ploy to get attention.
If you’re going to do it, do it, stop leaving the Drama Queen posts on the forum about it.
Note I am talking about Drama Queen Ellen specifically here.
If you are not Ellen, do not commit suicide! There are toll free numbers you can phone if you are feeling suicidal, such as
- 1-800-273-TALK (8255)
- visit their site here: (Link): National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
Ellen is just like my sister Shirley and never gets tired of saying or typing the word “Fuck.”
I know that rant above by Ellen – the one that starts like this:
- “My favorite TV show was cancelled this week. How shall I cope?
- I am going to hang myself over this
-may read funny here on my blog, as in, “That sounds pretty funny to me, I think I would be entertained to read her rants,” but lord, no.
No, it’s not amusing.
If you are personal internet friends with this person, and you have tried sincerely being a friend to this person when she is stressed or upset (this is not a joke, it is a real thing), these rants are NOT amusing to read.
They are sad, tedious, and annoying after months and months.
I even researched free or reduced counseling Ellen could use and posted the URLs of the sites and toll free numbers for her. I don’t think she ever availed herself of any of that.
Several times before, you have given her toll free counseling numbers to phone, you have patiently listened to her bitch and moan for YEARS about her problems.
You have given her pep talks, warm and fuzzy comments about how much you care.
But she is still going on, five or more years later, like,
- “I hate life, my job sucks, I was fired from that job, that sucks balls, I can’t get a new job right now, I have student debt to pay, I can’t get a date, Fuck Life!!!”
—–ELLEN’S FAITH CRISIS—–
A few other facts about Ellen are very relevant to my post.
Ellen was raised as a Roman Catholic.
Concerning politics, Ellen is VERY right wing, she is Republican, and is a Christian.
Ellen is consumed with politics and has a burning, searing hatred for liberals and Democrats.
Now, I am right wing and Republican too, but I’m not as severe on politics as Ellen is.
I have more or less gotten along with liberals in real life.
Some liberals are total, rude assholes, that is true, and they can be the most intolerant blow hards on some topics while accusing their opponents of being intolerant. Some of their positions are stupid. That is true too.
But I don’t have this deep seated, odd, burning hatred for all things progressive.
I currently am friends with a nice lady on Facebook who is pretty liberal on several topics. She and I don’t agree on some of these topics, but we treat each other kindly and with respect.
We value each other’s friendship, in spite of our differences on politics.
In the past, I’ve had other liberal friends, atheist friends, etc, and we got along just fine, in spite of our differences on some subjects.
I cannot picture Ellen being friends with liberals, though. I think she’d just as soon shoot a liberal in the face as befriend one.
If Ellen could burn Liberals alive at the stake, she would do it, and she would spit on the corpses while they are still smoking.
Any time Republican candidates like Sarah Palin get attacked in the media, Ellen goes ape shit crazy over it and rants for days.
I do not agree with or like most of the left’s attacks on Palin and other right wingers, either, depending on what topic is under discussion.
I especially resent the left wing, pro- feminists who turn around and do things like make rape jokes against Republican ladies such as Sarah Palin, which they have done before.
You type of “feminists” who do that, or other Democrats who do it (and Democrats are supposedly friendly to women’s causes), are total assholes and such huge hypocrites I can hardly put it into words.
Your feminism only supports other left wing ladies, and a woman has to be pro-choice, pro-Democrat, pro-transgender, and meet all the check marks of political correctness, on the list of liberal propaganda; you don’t give a crap about right wing women.
But, I’m not all down and out if the liberals criticize Palin or other GOP guys in general terms, on some policy differences, or if other Republicans criticize each other on that stuff.
I do not get livid over most of this stuff, but Ellen goes on a freaking War Path over any of it, or all of it.
I have more to say about Ellen and politics later in this post, because it becomes relevant later.
—ELLEN’S BRIEF TIME AS AN ATHEIST—
Around 2011 or 2012 (I cannot recall the exact time frame), Ellen began to have severe doubts about the Christian faith.
Ellen was leaving very hostile posts about Jesus and God in our PPF (Password Protected Forum) that only about 3 or 4 other women had access to.
At this point in time, when Ellen was having her Faith Melt-Down, I was still a 100% true blue Christian myself.
(These days I reside somewhere between that Christian faith and Agnosticism.)
Ellen would come on to the forum back then, complaining very bitterly about not being able to get a job and pay off her student debt, and say that she renounced Jesus and God, and God can go fuck himself in the ass upside down.
I am not kidding.
She wrote some immensely, over the top, anti God type commentary with all sorts of crass or vulgar language.
Ellen figured that since God was not answering her prayers and sending her a job, either God is not real, or he doesn’t care about her.
Ellen was beside herself with rage and fury at this time.
I read her posts with concern and sympathy, and I tried to be supportive.
I did not shame, insult, or judge Ellen for having doubts or for being angry at God. I was empathetic and non-judgmental.
I was very patient and understanding of her and her doubts. And her faith crisis went on for like a couple of years, I think. Maybe about two and a half or three years.
I did not scold her, lecture her, or quote Bible verses at her.
I did not try to give Ellen “biblical” reasons for why she was suffering, because nobody wants a freaking theology lesson when they are hurting.
No, what hurting or frustrated people are looking for is another person to put an arm around them and weep with them and lend a sympathetic ear.
I provided the “arm around the shoulder,” pure comfort function. I gave comfort, not platitudes, sermons, or lectures.
I did not tell her it was “wrong” for her to have anger at God.
I did not tell her it was “selfish” of her to be upset that she did not get the thing she had prayed for.
I just read about her frustrations as she posted her complaints in private and told her how sorry I was.
I told her I don’t know why God wasn’t sending her a job, but I could appreciate how alone, frustrated, and betrayed she felt, and I hoped she got a job soon.
In other words, I acted like a kind, decent, caring compassionate human being towards Ellen, not like an insensitive, preachy, judgmental, prick who condemned and shamed her for her doubts or anger at God.
(And I was a total, 100% Christian at that time. How is it that even at my most Christian-ish, I was able to act compassionate and appropriately about someone’s suffering, but most other Christians suck ass at this???)
By the way, can you see where this post is heading? I bet you can.
You should have already seen this coming from the moment I started to type about it above.
After about two years of being a raging loon and crazy person at God, Ellen decided that there is a God after all, and she had patched things up with him.
She and God were all buddy buddies again.
Well, about two years (or at some point, I cannot recall exactly when) after my mother passed away, I had started to have minor, minor doubts or problems with God myself, and I had shared them in the PPF, so Ellen read them.
I did not post over the top, unglued, ranting angry rants about my faith doubts, like Ellen had done.
I sounded pretty damn sane and low key by comparison.
Where-as Ellen was mad- as- Hell at God, I was confused and hurt by God, and all the junk I had been taught by Christians since I was a kid.
So, I was posting these minor doubts I was having about God, and why wasn’t God answering my prayers, and why did so many other Christians I’ve gone to act like such insensitive jerks during my suffering?
I never went into full-on rages about Jesus, or against God, or against Christians in public on this forum Ellen and I visited. I did not cuss out Christians in private to Ellen, either, not in e-mails.
I still remained a right winger and a Republican.
But sometime around 2012 or 2013, I began seeing more and more gaping problems with Republicans and Christianity.
None of that means I suddenly became a God-hating atheist who votes Democrat, you understand.
So I began posting in private, where Ellen could see, some of my more severe doubts and disappointments with the Christian faith. But I didn’t post about it all the time, maybe once every few months.
I kept my doubts off public venues. I only mildly referenced my doubts in one or two public posts, but I said nothing derogatory, hateful, or rude about Jesus, the Bible, or Christians.
I simply stopped posting as often about political topics. I did not bash on Republicans in public or in private.
It was about this time that Ellen left me a hostile public comment about how I am so rude about Christianity.
I told Ellen I had no idea what she was talking about, because I had never bashed Christianity in public or private, I had merely said I don’t know if I agree 100% with Christianity anymore.
I asked Ellen to please keep such a topic quiet in public; could she e-mail me about it or use the Password Protected Forum to discuss it?
She said fine, and then proceeded to write me the nastiest, angry posts I have ever seen.
(Edit. Well, my sister Shirley has sent me e-mails that are EVEN WORSE than the stuff Ellen sent me, and my sister has screamed even worse stuff at me than Ellen has, but that is another topic for another day.)
I had seen Ellen go ape shit angry at other people before, but her anger had never before been sent in my direction.
I had been a good friend to her over the years, in spite of her annoying, self-absorbed, temper tantrums.
This time, she unleashed her anger at me privately.
Ellen actually had the audacity to tell me something like:
- ” I am so sick of you slagging off on Republicans and Christians all day long!
- Where do you get off!
- You sound like a Liberal.
- Christianity is not about what YOU can get, so what if you prayed and didn’t get an answer from God.
- Are you a Word of Faith heretic, because they believe God owes them!!
- Well he does not owe you anything, not happiness or anything.
- Fuck you and fuck your problems, I don’t care if you don’t believe in God anymore, keep it to yourself.
- I don’t give a shit anymore what you do about any of this.”
That is pretty close to what she told me in private.
I’m going on memory, so that is not a verbatim quote, but she used the word “fuck” a time or two, told me she doesn’t care about my problems – my paraphrase is accurate conveying the gist of her tone and views.
I have never, never, never spoken to her in that manner. Never.
I have never been a Liberal or an atheist in my life.
I have not bashed Republicans or Christians at that site she and I are on.
I only shared privately a handful of times that I have doubts if God exists, due to ‘this and that’ reason, and I had said previously that I was hurt and angry at Christians who turned their backs on me.
That was the extent of my posts about those topics.
I did not say anything hateful about or against the faith, Jesus, or Christians.
Contrast that to Ellen’s phase as an atheist for two or more years where she would type very angry messages such as,
- “Fuck Jesus, I hate God, fuck God too, Christians can suck dick!!” etc.
Nothing I ever said to her or in that forum was even remotely as nasty and obscene as the trash she typed about God, Jesus, etc.
I have never used vulgar language with her. I may use cuss language here on this blog starting like last year, but I have never, ever used that language with her.
I have never dismissed Ellen’s pain or problems by screaming things at her like, “I don’t care about them, fuck you,” and so on, as she was screaming at me.
I had spent YEARS reading Ellen’s rants and heartbreaks, and being a friend to her, consoling her, offering her words of encouragement.
During her time as an atheist, I never once got angry at her or scolded her for having doubts. I did not lecture her for saying “Fuck God” and so on. I did not accuse her of being a liberal, or having been brain washed by liberals.
When I wrote a reply to her post, I was so calm.
I really wanted to tell her to go Fuck herself, you fucking hypocrite and ingrate, but I kept my calm and typed up the most civil, polite, no-vulgar language reply you ever did see.
I told her I was very disappointed by her post.
I told her I have many reasons why I am having issues with the faith. I told her I am still a Republican, I am not a Liberal, I am not an atheist.
She did another post under that one, in reply.
I was so upset I did not look at her reply for a couple of weeks or more. This was around the holidays of 2014, too.
Ellen was treating me like shit and starting a fight around the holidays. And holidays have been very tough on me ever since my mother died, but does Ellen care?
Why fuck no, as long as she gets to vent her spleen and scream at me.
Also, around early December 2014, I suffered another tragedy of sorts in my life.
I lost someone who was close to me. I don’t want to go into details on that.
I had told Ellen and the girls about this loss in the Password Protected Forum the first week of December 2014, so Ellen knew about it.
And still, the raging bitch with the anger management problem (that would be Ellen) sends me these hate-filled, UNPROVOKED diatribes about a week after this loss…
And the holidays were just about two, three weeks away. That bitch.
Ellen makes a reply around that time, but I put off reading it until around the first week or two of January 2015.
Her reply this time was not filled with as much anger, but it was snippy and rude, and she had the audacity to wish me a Happy Christmas.
I mean, what the hell?
- “Hey, you suck, and I hate your opinions about Jesus, and I think you’re a godless atheist, which really sucks bad.
- Anyway, I hope you have a Happy Christmas”
When she signed off with “I hope you have a Happy Christmas” she was not being sarcastic. She was being sincere.
I can’t recall the time line of what happened in our messages, so I may be getting this mixed up.
But when I assured Ellen six ways from Sunday that I am most certainly NOT an Atheist or a Liberal, she kept accusing me of being one.
She swears to God I have been influenced or brain washed by Liberals. Ellen thinks I went out to look up web sites that would re-affirm my already anti-Christian bias, which is not so.
I told the dumb bitch that the opposite happened. I first began having doubts because the faith I was raised with was not working out the way the Bible says it should or the way my Christian mother and other Christians had taught me.
Then, I went in search for answers at CONSERVATIVE CHRISTIAN sites.
(Yes, not progressive or ex Christian sites, but sites by Bible-believing, Jesus loving, conservatives.)
I even purchased some copies of used books by Christian apologists from online book sellers to find answers.
When that did not work, I started googling for phrases. I was not intentionally looking for liberal or atheist sites.
When I googled around, I landed on all sorts of sites, whether they were Atheist, Skeptical, conservative, Liberal, ex Christian, whatever. And I read with an open mind. I did not automatically reject a view or premise just because the person making it was an atheist or whatever.
However, I did not unquestioningly accept every comment or opinion I read by Xtian critics. Some Xtian critics are bat shit crazy or totally ignorant about Christianity.
But some of the comments resonated with me. I related to some of them.
Starting about what, four years ago? Three? It began dawning on me that the some expressions of Christian faith and Republicans are really obsessed with marriage and family, and that there is something deeply unbiblical, wrong, and marginalizing about that extreme emphasis.
I arrived at my current doubts on my own.
I was not brain washed by liberals. I was not seeking out websites to verify my already- budding doubts, as Ellen keeps arguing.
Ellen refuses to accept that sometimes true blue Christians do struggle or fall away from the faith. She apparently finds it easier to assume I was suckered by left wingers.
I am surprised Ellen never whipped out the “You were never a “REAL” Christian to start with” line that so many other Christians whip out.
At one point, Ellen and I switched over to e-mail from using the forum to discuss all this.
Before I resume with that story, I wanted to mention this:
One of my impressions of Ellen is that she is ignorant of the Bible.
In all seriousness, she doesn’t seem familiar with the Bible’s teachings.
Ellen has never displayed what the New Testament describes as the “fruit of the Spirit” that a real Christian will have.
She lacks those signs. The Bible says a real Christian will more often then not express peace, joy, patience, kindness, etc.
When Ellen was continuing to act like an ass face, Bitchy McBitch with me, I was like, I don’t get it.
I told her, ‘You keep acting hatefully towards me, telling me things like “fuck off,” but your own Bible and God, which you CLAIM to believe in, teaches you to “speak the truth in love,” to “do unto others as you’d have them do unto you,”
-and I pasted in several Bible verses for her to read, that talk about how Christians are to display gentleness and patience with people, to put away anger and malice (see Christians, I KNOW my Bible)-
“But,” I told her, “You do not follow the teachings of your Bible. You are regularly acting very contrary to the teachings of Jesus Christ, who you claim to follow and respect. Explain that to me.”
It was only after I threw her own Bible in her face that she backed down and kind of apologized, or toned down her language.
It’s almost as though she is not aware of what her own Christian Bible teaches! Or she does not care.
Maybe it’s because she is Roman Catholic.
Roman Catholics do not accept “sola scriptura,” and I’ve had them admit to me that their church does not push them to read or study the Bible.
So maybe Ellen has never read her Bible. I asked her several times and she never did answer.
I am sincerely curious.
I want to know if she’s ever read the Bible or not, because she acts totally stupid about what it says until I quote a verse at her, and she’s like, “Oh, that is in there, isn’t it. The Bible says I can’t be an asshole to you all the time, so I better knock down the ass-holery a few notches.”
But Ellen has the nerve to tell me she believes in the Bible and the God it preaches.
Ellen has the nerve to make that claim but is unwilling or unable to carry out some of the most BASIC aspects of its text, such as, ‘don’t be a total rude, screaming, douche canoe to your friend who is just having some doubts.’
Correct me if I am wrong here, but when apostle Thomas was all like,
- “Hey man, I don’t know if Jesus was REALLY raised from the dead. I would have to see Jesus in person and touch the scars in his hands before I will believe” –
Did Jesus respond by snarling at him:
- “Fuck you, Thomas, for lack of faith! And fuck your problems, I don’t care anymore what you do or believe.”
Yeah, I don’t recall Jesus having that reaction in the Bible.
Jesus was more like,
- “I am kind of bummed out you don’t take this all on faith, Thomas, but dude, here, touch my scar if you really need to do that to believe. Here you go, guy.”
I was acting more like a Christian in my quasi-Agnostic state than Ellen was at her full-on, professing ‘Yes I am a total Jesus- loving Christian!!!’ state.
I wanted to smack her upside her head.
And please bear in mind, I was a good, supportive friend to this Ellen person for SEVERAL YEARS. I supported her with kindness during her atheist, ‘I am angry at Jesus’ phase, and during her, “I am lonely and can’t get a boyfriend” era. Etc.
I was friends to this bitch for years. And she repays me by biting my head off and over false accusations and over my own problems with the faith. I was kind to her during her own faith crisis.
For years, I was a good friend to this person. Supported her. Listened to her gripe for years about her problems, tried to talk her down from the “I want to kill myself’ posts.
And she turns around and tells me, “Fuck you and your problems, I don’t care anymore what you do.”
That e mail she sent me? After I totally shamed her and pointed out her hypocrisy, she did write back and apologize. I told her she owed me an apology.
So, she emails me back with this message that she was fine, sorry, but, (yes, there was a BUT), but she still thinks I’m wrong about X, Y, Z, and, she feels she was in the right to chew my ass out over W, because W pissed her off….
I read that reply and saw red.
I wrote her back and said, “I do not accept your apology.”
I explained why in detail.
She wrote back and said, “Well then, there is nothing more to discuss”
I wrote back and said,
- “Oh no you don’t. You apparently did not even read the rest of my e-mail, you only saw the third sentence where I wrote, “I don’t accept your apology” and just blew off the rest.
- Your so-called apology in the last e mail was NOT an apology.
- An apology is something like, “Hey, I am sorry, I hurt you and offended you. You were a good friend for years, and I just told you and without justification, “fuck off, fuck you, I don’t care about you.”
- There was no excuse for that behavior.
- “You spent the bulk of your apology e-mail telling me how justified you felt screaming at me to start with.
- “That is not an apology. You just re-stated to me again why you feel pissed off at me and you feel quite entitled about the whole thing.
Ellen then wrote back,
- “Fine. I am sorry. But you said some things that pissed me off too.”
At that point, I just told her to have a great day and have not heard from her since. She told me that she got a new job and is too busy with the new job to talk to me anymore.
But you will notice that even in that second apology attempt, she is still arguing! She is all like, “Fine, I am sorry but you pissed me off too.”
No, Just no. I did not start the nasty behavior, she did.
Ellen is pissed off and offended because I am not “as” Christian or “as” right wing as I used to be.
I have mentioned in this post previously that Ellen has a screw loose, she is too sensitive about politics and religion and refuses to abide by the concept of “agree to disagree.”
If you don’t agree with her 100% on some topic, Ellen thinks of you as a total traitor.
Either you agree with her Christian and Republican view points 100%, or she automatically jumps to the opinion that you must be a God hating, Liberal, Atheist.
It’s like Ellen is out of a cartoon or something. Very bizarre.
There is more hypocrisy. I almost forgot about this part.
Ellen is still a virgin herself, she’s never had sex, but she’d like to marry some day.
Nothing wrong with that. If people want to choose to refrain from sex until marriage, I support that choice.
Or, perhaps you simply have not found Mr. or Ms. Right yet, you are single, would like to marry, so you find yourself celibate or a virgin not out of choice, totally, but circumstance. I won’t mock you on that, either.
But several years ago, during her “I sure do hate God” phase, Ellen screamed that she will go out and fornicate if she wants to, that she was giving up on staying a virgin until marriage.
Then, after Ellen “made up” with God, she reverted back to being Pro-Virginity. She told me during our recent spat that she regrets having trashed virginity in the past.
Nothing wrong with any of that. I don’t have an issue with people changing their opinions, then changing them back, at least if they have really thought them out.
However, when I told Ellen I have somewhat changed my own views on sexuality, that I’m no longer personally as hard-line on the “virgin until marriage” stuff anymore, she had a total melt down.
She blew up in rage.
Do you see the double standard? I never chewed Ellen out for changing her mind about virginity or fornication and then changing her mind back again, but if I change my mind, or if I lean towards changing views a bit, she screams at me that I am a horrible person, I am an atheist, I am a liberal.
I did ask Ellen in one e-mail why she finds it acceptable to flip flop and change her positions on sex, virginity, or whatever other topic, but if I change my mind or if I am open to other views now, she rages and insults me for it?
I never did that to her.
—– ARMCHAIR PSYCHOLOGIST—–
Ellen kept playing armchair psychologist with me, which really pissed me off.
Ellen kept telling me things like,
- “Your motives for having issues with God and doubting the Christian faith are X and Y”
-No matter how often I told her,
- “No, my issues with God are not due to X and Y, but partially to Q or 5 or 7.”
Sometimes, Ellen would say, “Your issue with the faith is due to W and T.”
I would say, “Yes, reason W is partially at play here, a little bit, also, yes, I have problems with T.”
But then Ellen would say (as though it’s her place to sit in judgement of my motives),
- “But “W” and “T” are stupid reasons to have doubts!
- You can only have doubts about God on the basis of V or G, not W, and not T.
- When I had my faith crisis, it was due to reasons V or G, but not W or T.
- W is not a good enough reason, nor is T.
- You’re just claiming W, so you can fornicate and not feel guilty now, you are looking for excuses and justifications to fornicate, that is what is driving reason W.”
I mean, really, you bitch?
You arrogantly tell me that my doubts aren’t good enough or real enough unless they meet YOUR criteria?? The arrogance.
And Ellen harped on sex more than I did in these exchanges. My doubts about God are not sex related.
Ellen kept accusing me of being an atheist or a liberal, even though I repeatedly told her I am neither.
All those years I was Ellens friend and a source of support to her, and she turns around in a fit of rage, tells me she doesn’t care about my problems?
I think the last time I had an email exchange with her was in January of this year, or maybe early February. I have not seen her on forums or blogs either.
Now that I reflect on this, I think “good riddance.”
Ellen was a total ingrate and a raging, fly- off- the- handle- at- any- little -point- of -disagreement lunatic. And a hypocrite, a total hypocrite.
I don’t know how you can be online friends with a person for 8, 9 or 10 years, and turn around in a heart beat and treat them like absolute shit, as though they never meant anything at all. And she claims she believes in Jesus? Oh please.
Ellen is just giving me more assurance that me taking one foot out of Christendom was a wise move.
There are several other people I may blog about in the future who I’ve had similar issues with, one just a few days ago, as a matter of fact, another online friend named “Linda,” and then there is my bully of a sister “Shirley” I may blog about.
Ellen is a lot like my sister Shirley.
I don’t know if I will blog about them – Shirely and Linda and others – today or tomorrow, or when, if ever. I know this post says “Part 1,” but I don’t know when or if there will be a Part 2, 3, etc.
This has been a pattern over my whole life, but it’s really stood out to me in the years since my mother died. I have had so many self-professing Christians either treat me very horribly (like Ellen), or blow me off and refuse to help me when I’ve gone to them asking for help. (And by help, I mean emotional support, I didn’t even ask for money.)
If you’ve made it this far, thank you. I know this was a very long post.
It’s been months, and I am still ticked off at Ellen and ticked off over this situation, and I recently had a problem with another online friend, Linda in the last few days that set me off.
(Link): When You’re in Imbalanced, Unfair Relationships – You’re the Free Therapist, The Supportive, Sounding Board Who Listens to Other People’s Non-Stop Complaining, But They Don’t Listen to You – re: The Toilet Function of Friendship