Hey, Justice Kennedy: You don’t need to shame singles to uphold marriage by L. Bonos

Hey, Justice Kennedy: You don’t need to shame singles to uphold marriage by L. Bonos

The following secular editorial responding to the recent SCOTUS decision in favor of homosexual marriage (which I don’t agree with), is the same situation that occurs among conservative Christians in regards to heterosexual marriage and singleness.

Even putting homosexual marriage aside, a lot of conservative Christians get upset by things like the high rate of divorce among heterosexuals, and they lament that heteros are not marrying anymore or not until later in life.

Therefore, you will find these incredibly rude and obnoxious blog posts, radio commentary, or magazine articles by Christians who seek to defend and encourage marriage by insulting singleness. (I would encourage you to scroll down to the bottom of this post, under the “Related Posts” section to see links to examples of that.)

There are Christians, preachers, and churches who think they can make singleness sound so horrible that they can scare singles into getting married.

Part of the problem with this odious approach is that it misses the problem – a lot of people would like to get married, they are simply unable to find the right partner. Such singles are not “anti marriage.” They want to get married but cannot.

Then you have Christians, preachers, and churches who think the way to encourage singles to marry is to say all manner of disrespectful, awful, or fear-provoking things about singleness, and to repeat bogus studies (which have been refuted by Bella DePaulo – see (Link): this page (off site link) for but one example; she has many other pages debunking anti-singleness studies ) stating that singles get sick more often, are unhappier than, or die sooner than their married counter parts.

There is really no need to defend or build up marriage by slighting singleness. For a Christian to do so is even more insulting, since the Bible fully supports singleness (see 1 Corinthians 7), and Jesus Christ never married and never had children.

Regarding the discussion below about singles being lonely: some singles are. I find myself lonely at times. However, I was also in a long term serious relationship years ago for several years, and I was lonely while IN that relationship. There were times I sat in the same room as my fiance’ and felt all alone anyway.

So, being in a relationship is not going to make loneliness totally disappear. There are a lot of boyfriends or husbands who emotionally neglect their sweethearts, which leaves those women feeling lonely.

It’s not necessary to defend marriage by insulting singleness.

(Link): Hey, Justice Kennedy: You don’t need to shame singles to uphold marriage by L. Bonos

  • You’ve probably read the (Link): last paragraph of Justice Anthony Kennedy’s opinion holding that same-sex couples have the constitutional right to marry. It’s a beautiful description of the love and companionship that can be found in a happy, thriving marriage. It also contains a sentence that insults unmarried Americans ( (Link): about 44 percent of U.S. adults [update by Christian Pundit: the figure, as of 2014, is actually (Link): about 51%]]) of all sexual orientations.
  • [Kennedy’s comment]:
  • “Their hope is not to be condemned to live in loneliness, excluded from one of civilization’s oldest institutions.” This plus another line, about midway through Kennedy’s opinion, casts the unmarried as lonely: “Marriage responds to the universal fear that a lonely person might call out only to find no one there.”
  • …Yes, loneliness is a universal fear, but marriage isn’t the only cure — nor is it always a cure. If it were, (Link): the divorce rate would be a lot closer to zero.
  • The word “lonely” isn’t what’s so hurtful in here. Everyone — married or single, gay or straight, celibate or the opposite — has pangs of loneliness. The offensive part is that it casts marriage as a full life and singles’ lives as doomed to sadness.

  • Loneliness is not a permanent condition that all unmarried people suffer. Anyone who has a close friend, or even one reliable family member, has a person to call out to when and if they’re lonely.
  • (Link): As I’ve said before and feel the need to say again: The single and childless have families; some of us were even born into them.
  • Loneliness isn’t a chronic condition either, something you’re “condemned to,” as if serving a prison sentence.
  • Every time I encounter single-shaming — which feels like a weekly ritual after the reaction to Lindsey Graham’s presidential bid, this Supreme Court decision and the simple fact that it’s wedding season — I reach for Sara Eckel’s book: “It’s Not You: 27 Wrong Reasons You’re Single.”
  • In a chapter about how she learned to manage her own loneliness while single in her late 30s, she writes: “People talk openly about their alcoholism, depression, eating disorders, and sex addictions. But who besides widows of long and happy marriages admits to being lonely? It’s the ultimate shame.”
  • “By adding those feelings of shame,” Eckel writes, “I doubled, tripled, or even quadrupled my pain.” But once she realized that an individual bout of loneliness would eventually subside, “I treated my discomfort the way an athlete does, feeling the burn.”

Related Posts:

(Link):  Really, It’s Okay To Be Single – In order to protect marriage, we should be careful not to denigrate singleness – by Peter Chin

(Link):  More Anti-Singleness Bias From Southern Baptist Al Mohler – Despite the Bible Says It Is Better Not To Marry

(Link): Authors at The Federalist Keep Bashing Singleness in the Service of Promoting Marriage – Which Is Not Okay

(Link): The Myth of the Gift – Regarding Christian Teachings on Gift of Singleness and Gift of Celibacy

(Link):  Sexism, Protecting Women, Family Values, and Christians Placing Biological Family Above Everyone Else

(Link):  Christian Blogger About Divorce, Pastor Andrew Webb, Thinks All To Most Mid-Life Never – Married or Single – Again Adults Are Mal-Adjusted, Ugly Losers Who Have Too Much Baggage

(Link): There is No Such Thing as a Gift of Singleness or Gift of Celibacy or A Calling To Either One

(Link): Are Marriage and Family A Woman’s Highest Calling? by Marcia Wolf – and other links that address the Christian fallacy that a woman’s most godly or only proper role is as wife and mother

(Link):  Singles Advocate DePaulo Responds to Right Wing, Conservative Critics of Singlehood, Who Blame Singles For Breakdown of The Family (reminder: I myself am right wing)

(Link): I’m 45, Single And Childless. No, There’s Nothing ‘Wrong’ With Me. by M Notkin

(Link):   Thirty Year Old Woman Kills Herself Due to Being Single and Childless – Churches contribute to this by either Ignoring adult singles or shaming them for being single and childless

(Link): Family as “The” Backbone of Society? – It’s Not In The Bible

(Link): Do You Rate Your Family Too High? (Christians Who Idolize the Family) (article)

(Link): Christian Double Standards on Celibacy – Hetero Singles Must Abstain from Sex but Not Homosexual Singles

(Link): Salvation By Marriage Alone – The Over Emphasis Upon Marriage by Conservative Christians Evangelicals Southern Baptists

(Link): Why Unmarried – Single Christians Should Be Concerned about the Gender Role Controversy

(Link): Christians Who Attack Virginity Celibacy and Sexual Purity – and specifically Russell D. Moore and James M. Kushiner

(Link):  Singles Shaming at The Vintage church in Raleigh – Singlehood Shaming / Celibate and Virgin Shaming

(Link): According to Pastor – Jimmy Evans – It Takes One Man and Woman Married To Equal A Whole – so where does that leave Christian singles ?

(Link): Lies The Church Tells Single Women (by Sue Bohlin)

(Link): The Christian and Non Christian Phenomenon of Virgin Shaming and Celibate Shaming

(Link): Is Singleness A Sin? by Camerin Courtney

(Link): Marriage Does Not Make People More Loving Mature Godly Ethical Caring or Responsible (One Stop Thread)

(Link):  Fatherhood and Marriage Bring Out the Best In Men says Conservative Think Tank

(Link):   American Churches Idolizing Fatherhood: Churches Want Your Dad, and Will Give Him Bacon, Guns, and a Grill

(Link): The Irrelevancy To Single or Childless or Childfree Christian Women of Biblical Gender Complementarian Roles / Biblical Womanhood Teachings

(Link):  The Holy Spirit Sanctifies a Person Not A Spouse – Weekly Christian Marriage Advice Column Pokes Holes in Christian Stereotype that Marriage Automatically Sanctifies People

(Link): How Christians Have Failed on Teaching Maturity and Morality Vis A Vis Marriage / Parenthood – Used as Markers of Maturity Or Assumed to be Sanctifiers

(Link): Fatherhood Not Quite the Producer of Manly, Mature, Godly Men Some Conservative Christians Make It Out To Be

(Link): How About Using Celibates as Role Models For Celibacy? (Oddity: Christians Holding Up Non-Virgins [Fornicators] As Being Experts or Positive Examples on Sexual Purity)

(Link): Conservative Christians Are Now Blaming Homosexual Marriage on Heterosexual Single Adults

(Link): Preachers and Christian Media Personalities: Re: Marriage – You’re missing the point stop trying to argue or shame singles into getting married

(Link):  “Who is my mother and who are my brothers?” – one of the most excellent Christian rebuttals I have seen against the Christian idolatry of marriage and natalism, and in support of adult singleness and celibacy – from CBE’s site

(Link):  Want To But Can’t – The One Christian Demographic Being Continually Ignored by Christians Re: Marriage

(Link): Ever Notice That Christians Don’t Care About or Value Singleness, Unless Jesus Christ’s Singleness and Celibacy is Doubted or Called Into Question by Scholars?

(Link): The Netherworld of Singleness for Some Singles – You Want Marriage But Don’t Want to Be Disrespected or Ignored for Being Single While You’re Single

(Link): To Get Any Attention or Support from a Church These Days you Have To Be A Stripper, Prostitute, or Orphan

(Link): The Irrelevancy To Single or Childless or Childfree Christian Women of Biblical Gender Complementarian Roles / Biblical Womanhood Teachings

(Link):  Never Married Christians Over Age 35 who are childless Are More Ignored Than Divorced or Infertile People or Single Parents

(Link):  You Will Be Ignored After Your Spouse Dies

(Link): Christian Males Blaming their Unwanted Protracted Singleness on Feminism – They have the wrong target

(Link): Why all the articles about being Child Free? On Being Childfree or Childless – as a Conservative / Right Wing / Christian

(Link): Christian Patriarchy Group: God Demands You Marry and Have Babies to Defeat Paganism and Satan. Singles and the Childless Worthless (in this worldview).

(Link): Stigmas and Stereotypes of Single Unmarried Men Over 25 or 30 Years of Age – They’re Supposedly All Homosexual or Pedophiles

Link):  Civil, Secular Authorities and Marriage and The Dippy Christian “Marriage Pledge” Preachers are Being Asked To Sign

(Link):  Did Gay Marriage Provoke A Conversation About No Marriage At All?

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