Why Lonely People Stay Lonely

Why Lonely People Stay Lonely

If you’re single and living alone, this may be an issue. You’d think churches would be of help, but no. They shun adult singles, they don’t help or offer emotional support. They will shame you if you mention you need or want companionship or emotional support.

(Link): Why Lonely People Stay Lonely


  • In a paper recently published in the journal Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, Franklin & Marshall College professor Megan L. Knowles led four experiments that demonstrated lonely people’s tendency to choke when under social pressure.
  • In one, Knowles and her team tested the social skills of 86 undergraduates, showing them 24 faces on a computer screen and asking them to name the basic human emotion each face was displaying: anger, fear, happiness, or sadness. She told some of the students that she was testing their social skills, and that people who failed at this task tended to have difficulty forming and maintaining friendships. But she framed the test differently for the rest of them, describing it as a this-is-all-theoretical kind of exercise.
  • Before they started any of that, though, all the students completed surveys that measured how lonely they were. In the end, the lonelier students did worse than the non-lonely students on the emotion-reading task — but only when they were told they were being tested on their social skills.
  • When the lonely were told they were just taking a general knowledge test, they performed better than the non-lonely.
  • Previous research echoes these new results: Past studies have suggested, for example, that the lonelier people are, the better they are at accurately reading facial expressions and decoding tone of voice. As the theory goes, lonely people may be paying closer attention to emotional cues precisely because of their ache to belong somewhere and form interpersonal connections, which results in technically superior social skills.
  • But like a baseball pitcher with a mean case of the yips or a nervous test-taker sitting down for an exam, being hyperfocused on not screwing up can lead to over-thinking and second-guessing, which, of course, can end up causing the very screwup the person was so bent on avoiding.
  • It’s largely a matter of reducing that performance anxiety, in other words, and Knowles and her colleagues did manage to find one way to do this for their lonely study participants, though, admittedly, it is maybe not exactly applicable outside of a lab.
  • The researchers gave their volunteers an energy-drink-like beverage and told them that any jitters they felt were owing to the caffeine they’d just consumed. (In actuality, the beverage contained no caffeine, but no matter — the study participants believed that it did.)
  • …  It’s not that they [lonely people] need to brush up on the basics of social skills — that they’ve likely already got down. Instead, lonely people may need to focus more on getting out of their own heads, so they can actually use the skills they’ve got to form friendships and begin to find a way out of their isolation.


Related Posts:

(Link):   You’re the only person who will notice if you’re dining alone. So enjoy it by Oliver Burkeman

(Link):   Live alone? You’re not alone (from CBS news)

(Link):  Never Married Adult Woman Says Married Friends Did Not Help Her When She Was Sick

(Link):  Why Do We Feel So Lonely (via USA Today)

(Link):   Lonely People’s Brains Work Differently

(Link):   Sick of Being Single / Sick and Tired of Being Single Alone Unmarried Lonely

(Link):   The Biggest Threat To Middle-Aged Men: Loneliness

(Link):   When You Are Lonely In Your Marriage by K. Parsons

(Link):  Asking Too Much Of Marriage – Married People are Lonely

(Link):   Married Woman Says She’s Lonely Because Her Husband Works All The Time

(Link):   When You’re Married and Lonely by J. Slattery

(Link):   Settling Vs Being Lonely (letter to advice columnist)

(Link):   Why is it So Hard For Women to Make New Friends? by G. Kovanis

(Link):   Women Who Dump Women Friends As Soon As They Get A Spouse or Boyfriend (Letter to Advice Columnist)

(Link): Dear Abby: Teen Gets a Boyfriend, Snubs Her Old Pal 

(Link):  Do Married Couples Slight Their Family Members as Well as Their Friends? / “Greedy Marriages”

One thought on “Why Lonely People Stay Lonely”

  1. I admire your courage for taking on all of the subjects you’ve posted that I’ve taken time to read so far. There are many people that don’t know about your blog that need to read it.

    I’ve never been a fan of all these churches that get uber-specific when it comes to ministry, at least when it comes to adults. Youth, I can understand, and there it may not be specific enough. I go to a very small church (less than 50 in attendance) by intent. Ministering to singles needs to be done in a prayer group of less than five, privately and absolutely not following a one size fits all format. It also needs to be bible doctrine based, rather than psychology based. I’m not saying completely remove the psychology. We have to educate ourselves in these matters and we need to possess empathy for the problems that people deal with, try to be ready with appropriate solutions, but be honest if we don’t have a solution and refer to someone else if we don’t. I believe that there is an epidemic (and yes I mean it) that psychology has become “top-heavy” in all aspects of Sunday ministry. In my opinion, there are people that feel initially fulfilled in chuch in these type of situations, but in many cases, there is a falling away, a returning and a falling away.

    There has to be a healthy balance between doctrine and psychology. There also can be no substitute to reading the bible on your own, praying for others needs before self and making sure your minister isn’t getting off the rails with his interpretations of scripture.

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