Adultery in Christian Marriage – One Woman’s Story, via SSB Blog

Adultery in Christian Marriage – One Woman’s Story, via SSB Blog 

I would encourage you not only to click on over and read the entire post at SSB blog, but go down and read the comments below the main post. The woman guest writer (lavenderward) also left a few comments below, updating everyone on her situation.

There are also comments by other Christian ladies who talk about their marriages having been ruined by an adulterous spouse.

I feel horrible for this lady. She seems to be getting her life back on track at this stage according to her follow up comments below the main post, so that much is good.

Here is the link to that post:

(Link): A Wife’s Personal Story: So, Let’s Actually Talk about What “Extramarital Affairs” Really Look Like – by lavendarward, via SSB blog

Before I copy a few excerpts here from that post at SSB, I’d just like to rehash a few of the things I discuss here on my blog with regularity, because this post by lavendarward touched on them as well.

It’s common in Christianity for conservative Christians to hold this perception that getting married will keep a person immune from sexual sin.

Supposedly, if you are getting regular sex with a spouse, you won’t seek sex with prostitutes, a mistress, and you won’t look at pornography and so forth. This turns out not to be true.

I have story after story on my blog of married Christians (usually men, but sometimes women), who, despite having a ready and willing sexual partner (i.e., a spouse), still choose to look at porn or to hire sex workers.

When I was growing up, Christian preachers and speakers would produce content (books, sermons, radio programs, etc)  that promised you that if you remained a virgin until marriage, God would send you a spouse, and that said spouse would be a quality catch – someone who would not have extramarital affairs or be abusive. That turns out to be a load of tripe as well.

Next up, we have the problematic “equally yoked” teaching, taken from a verse or two in the New Testament that tells Christians not to be “unequally yoked” to Non-Christians. Many Christians take this verse or two to mean that an unmarried Christian should never, ever marry a Non-Christian. I used to agree with that interpretation as well, but no longer.

The fact is, too many Christian women walk into marriages with a man who for all intents and purposes appears to be a real Christian, but he turns around and cheats on them or abuses them.

It is truly irrelevant if such a man is a “real” Christian or not, if he is truly converted or not.

But at times, on other sites that discuss these issues, some Christian or another will likely pipe up to say that a genuine Christian would never ever abuse or cheat on his wife.

By the time a woman finds herself in a marriage to a self professing Christian who is mistreating her, such a point is an irrelevant theological abstract and construct.

The fact is, these types of men pass themselves off as Christian, they claim to be Christian, they fool their Christian employers into thinking they are Christian, and once a woman realizes two, ten, twenty, or however many years into the marriage, that the husband is a cheater, pedophile, or abuser, it’s too late for her.

I’ve said this before on this blog, and I’ll no doubt repeat it in the future, but if you are a single Christian woman who desires marriage, you will not be able to meet a single Christian man because their is a man shortage going on among conservative religious people (see this link for more, or this link), but, given that some atheists treat their wives better than some Christian husbands do, you should really consider dating or marrying an atheist or other type of unbeliever. You really need to consider a man’s character and qualities like that.

Just because a man reads a Bible, attends church, works for a Christian employer, professes belief in Christ, does not mean he will be wonderful husband material (see long list of examples (Link): here).

In one of her posts below the main essay, lavendarward explains that although several Christian employers realized her husband was a cheating dirt ball, they were going to hire him anyway, or one of them did not fire him over it (you’d have to read her commentary for accurate details).

This reminds me of a story or two here on my blog where a man and a woman committed fornication, but the Christian employer punished the woman by firing her over it but not the man (see links at the bottom of this post, under Related Posts, for examples of that).

Christians typically hold women responsible for sexual sin, but give men a pass in this area. Further, Christians will find a way to blame a man’s sexual sin on women, rather than holding the man responsible for his own behavior – this can be seen quite often in modesty teachings in particular.

Here are excerpts from lavendarward’s post:

(Link): A Wife’s Personal Story: So, Let’s Actually Talk about What “Extramarital Affairs” Really Look Like – by lavendarward, via SSB blog

Excerpts (please click the link above to read the entire post, and do be sure to read the comments by various readers, which are under the main post):

  • My Husband Betrayed Me
  • We were both raised in the church and met at a Christian College. He came from a “good” family, well-known in our Reformed denomination. We married after graduation, at age 21. I was a virgin, he was not.

  • [The author then mentions that she had children with her husband, and he was employed by various Christian universities]
  • …Several months after he began teaching there, I discovered that he had been cheating on me for the past several years.
  • When asked, he initially didn’t even know how many women he had slept with.
  • I told him that he needed to remember, and he came up with a list of 15 women he had slept with and several more that he had had physical contact with, but not intercourse. Several of these women had been his students, and all of them were 20-something (he was in his late 30s).
  • So, Let’s Actually Talk about What “Extramarital Affairs” Really Look Like
  • It’s me with my feet in the stirrups while some strange man puts his fingers up inside me to check for an STD because my husband didn’t use a condom every time he slept with all those 20-something girls, but he can’t exactly remember how many times he did or didn’t use one.
  • It’s me saving my virginity for a “good Christian husband” who ends up sleeping with everyone he can get his hands on.
  • It’s me packing up and preparing to leave beloved friends, family, house, city, job,neighborhood, and church, to follow him to his new teaching job at a Christian college across the country; meanwhile, he’s having final good-bye sex with his 19-year-old girlfriend across town.

Please ((click here to read the whole page))

I certainly wish lavendarward and all the other commentators and anyone else who’s been hurt by adultery total healing, and, in the future, happiness, or at least peace.

I had hoped to marry, but there are times in my life I am glad I never did. Seeing all the women talk about how much pain a husband caused them sometimes makes me feel glad I’m still single; I managed to avoid a lot of emotional turmoil, disappointment, and exploitation.

I also completely agree with Julie Anne in the comments that churches, and Christians in general, are horrible at assisting wounded people, the hurting, and women in abusive or dysfunctional marriages.

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Related Posts:

(Link):   Christian School Fires Single Woman For Having PreMarital Sex But Offers Her Job to Her Single Boyfriend Who They Know Had PreMarital Sex Too

(Link): Bias and Discrimination Against Singles and Females – Woman Fired by Christian Employer for Being Divorced but Her Male Divorced Co-Workers Not Fired

(Link):  Consider The Source: Christians Who Give Singles Dating Advice Also Regularly Coach Wives to Stay in Abusive Marriages

(Link):  Don’t Be Pat Robertson: Learn That, Yes, Abusive Jerks Masquerade As Nice Guys Until They Marry the Woman Then They Abuse Her – Pat Blames A Woman Again For Marrying A Jerk

(Link):  Focus on the Family Members Practice Infidelity or Homosexuality and Get Divorced and Remarry – links to exposes

(Link):  Ashley Madison Site Hack Update / Family Values Activist Josh Duggar Had a Paid Ashley Madison Account

(Link):  Stupid Things Naive Christians Say (About Adultery, Divorce) from Divorce Minister Blog

(Link): Forget About Being ‘Equally Yoked’ – Article: ‘My Abusive ‘Christian’ Marriage’

(Link):   Single, pregnant mother fired from church for not being married

(Link): Modesty: A Female-Only Virtue? – Christian Double Standards – Hypocrisy

(Link): The ol’ Christian myth that married couples are impervious to sexual sin but singles have lots of sexual sin

(Link):   Another Example of Why the Equally Yoked Teaching is A Joke for Single Christian Women : Baptist Preacher Arrested for Allegedly Fire Bombing Ex Girlfriend’s House While She Was In It

(Link): Being Unequally Yoked – should Christians marry Non Christians or only marry Christians

(Link): American Christian Divorce Rates Vs Atheists and Other Groups – throws a pall over Christian Fairy Tale Teachings about Marriage

(Link):   Yes, There Is A Man Shortage and Other Reasons Why You Are Still Single (via NYP)

(Link): Pro Ball Player Convicted for Kid Diddling Three Kids Claims to be an Outstanding Christian (and he’s married with a kid of his own) – again, why should Christian single gals limit themselves to only marrying Christian men? The Whole “Being Yoked Equally” thing is irrelevant and unduly limiting for singles

(Link): Preachers Arrested For, or Accused of, Promoting Prostitution, Rape, Spreading HIV, Child Molesting etc – And Christian Single Women Should Only Consider Marrying So Called Christian Men Why?

(Link): Wife of Preacher Shoots, Kills Him, Recounts Years of Physical and Sexual Abuse – So Much for the Equally Yoked Teaching and the Notion that Christian married sex is Mind Blowing