Howard Married to Flirty Wife Who Had Affair – Pat Robertson’s Insensitive Advice
Watch the video to get the context, it’s the first letter in the video:
(Link): Howard has a cheating spouse
Whoa, there Pat.
All Howard said is that their sexual relationship doesn’t exist. Howard does not say why this is so, but Pat just assumes it’s because Howard is holding a grudge over his wife’s 25 years ago affair, so he is with-holding sex. But Howard doesn’t say that is why they’re not having sex.
Pat then goes on to tell Howard if you with hold sex from your wife, you are asking her to cheat.
No, Pat, no. I don’t buy excuses for affairs. I don’t care if a guy has been withholding sex from his wife, that doesn’t give her a right to get it outside of the marriage.
If she needs it that bad, she can divorce his ass and marry some dude who will boink her.
Also, masturbation is not a new concept (that is, she can get herself off, which IMO, is not a form of adultery, so she gets her sexual kicks met without sleeping with another guy, everybody wins. Unless it’s Howard who is sexless because the wife won’t boink him, in which case, say hello to masturbation, Howard, it can work for you too).
But Howard never tells us why he and the misses aren’t knocking boots anymore.
Howard does make one brief statement at the end of his letter like, “God says forgive, maybe I haven’t.”
Pat really grabs latches on to that to blame Howard up the ying yang and tells Howie he’s holding on to a grudge and to let go of it.
Pat also says, “God has forgiven her if she has asked him to.”
More speculation by Pat. The letter does not mention if the wife asked God to forgive her. We don’t even know if she’s asked her spouse to forgive her, if I am remembering the letter right.
Howard mentioned in this letter that he has asked his wife to go to counseling several times over the years, and she refuses. She only stayed with Howie because the dude she was screwing is in the military, and his employer apparently found out (?), so she had to end the affair.
It sounds to me, based on what Howie said, like she is not in love with Howie and is staying because she has no other options.
Pat tells Howard that 25 years is a long time to hold on to a grudge.
Here’s my take, based on what Howie said, and his one hint that the wife stays with him out of duty not love: I do agree with Pat that 25 years is a long time for Howard to spend with this woman, but I say this not to BASH Howard, unlike Pat, but because I feel sorry for Howard.
It’s not that I am tut-tutting Howie for holding on to this pain or anger for 25 years over his wife’s infidelity, only that I think it would be in his best interest to dump the cheating bitch already, so he can go on and have a happy life. My motives are different from Pat’s here.
It would be better for Howie to live single and grieve the death of the marriage to move forward and be at peace in life, then to continue to live under the same roof with some two-faced hussy who obviously does not love the guy.
If, after a year or two of healing (this is assuming he dumps his wife), he wants to date again, he can start dating again. And in the future, if he dates, he should not permit himself to be used again.
That man needs to go into counseling alone to find out why he thinks it’s acceptable for a woman to take him for granted, treat him like trash, and cheat on him.
She’s not even willing to try to work on the relationship as she keeps refusing his overtures to see a counselor with him.
(Edit: I would feel the same way with this situation even if the genders were reversed, if we had a faithful wife and a cheating husband.)
Howard must lack boundaries and have very low self esteem. If he goes into therapy alone, a therapist could help him understand why he’s allowing himself to be treated this way, permitting himself to be used, he could overcome it and develop healthier relationship habits.
Marriage is not always a picnic. I know if you’ve been to my blog before, you are likely an adult single, over the age of 35, and you probably want to be married.
Hey, I’d still like to be married, but not to a jack-hole who is going to take me for granted, have affairs on me, or abuse me. I can see how sometimes it is better to be single than be stuck under the same roof with an ingrate for a spouse, an abuser, or a selfish taker.
There were a few points of Robertson’s advice I kind of agreed with, but the overall tenor of his advice to this guy seemed victim-blaming. I think Robertson should have been more supportive of this guy, rather than blame him for his wife being a cheater and so on.
Here is the video:
(Link): Supposedly Woman-Honoring and Pro-Marriage Focus On the Family Group Wants Wives to Blame Themselves If or When Their Husbands Commit Adultery – Re: Book: ‘How God Used the Other Woman,’ by Tina Konkin