How the Dating Scene Became Stacked Against Women – via CT, by Gina Dalfonzo
I already covered this story about a month ago – Christianity Today is just now covering this.
One reason of several I keep telling single Christian women on this blog to dump the “be equally yoked” teaching to date Non-Christian men is the simple fact that there are not enough single, Christian men for women who want to marry one. You either will have to marry, say, an atheist, or marry nobody at all.
Also, the Christian church in America keeps dropping the ball on this. Instead of ministering to adult singles where they are, they instead, most often, shame and scream at singles to get married and stop hating marriage.
Churches – especially the ones who have turned motherhood and marriage into deities – seriously think the reason adult women are staying single is because we hate marriage or idolize our careers – the truth is, most of us do want to marry, but there are no men for us to marry.
by Gina Dalfonzo
These days, the old courtship formulas no longer apply: A devout woman, instead of being likelier to marry, may very well find herself alone.
That last example is particularly poignant. As religious groups (Link): emphasize marriage and family, some view prolonged singleness as a failure.
…I’m not a numbers person, so I didn’t always find Birger’s statistics-heavy arguments easy to follow, though he did his best to simplify them. But I appreciated this approach because it was so refreshingly different from the implied judgment in many books about singleness.
He’s not out to scold men or shame women for not being married. Nor does he complain about women being too educated or career-minded, though this does make it harder for them to find men with comparable backgrounds. Instead, Date-onomics simply discusses the patterns and trends that led to the lopsided singles scene we’re seeing now.
…Practicing Christians will disagree with Birger in places; for example, he has no problem with premarital sex. But we stand to learn from his tone, and his desire to explain rather than blame. It’s a great relief to hear that not only is singleness not something to be ashamed of, but in the vast majority of cases, it’s not even the woman’s fault! It’s just a numbers game.
…Still, Birger critiques aspects of the singles scene in which men have the upper hand. Their numerical advantage tends to turn them into players, or make them reluctant to marry, as both Christian and non-Christian women can testify. One woman told Birger, “It’s like a lot of men don’t see us as people… I’ve had guys in New York [where the gender gap is especially wide] admit to me that they expect women to be faithful to them but still be able to play the field themselves.”
And men openly agree. Multiple single guys confessed that, even when dating a beautiful, smart, adventurous woman, they kept looking for someone a little more beautiful, smarter, and more adventurous. Of course, this puts great pressure on already impressive women to be perfect; any difference of opinion or physical imperfection can get them dumped in favor of someone prettier or more agreeable.
This attitude fits with Birger’s predictions for how people behave when their gender is in demand.
…Even being let down gently is no longer the norm. For many of us Christian women, resigned after years on the dating scene, a few kind words would make a big difference. Men don’t have to be scared that they’re “leading us on” just because they treat us with care and consideration.
When we see Census figures showing more educated women in their 20s and 30s remaining single, we often blame them for supposedly waiting to get married. A deeper examination of the dating scene makes it clear that men’s attitudes—a result of being the gender “in demand”—are a major factor.
(Link): What Two Religions Tell Us About the Modern Dating Crisis (from TIME) (ie, Why Are Conservative Religious Women Not Marrying Even Though They Want to Be Married. Hint: It’s a Demographics Issue)
(Link): Number of ‘Lonely, Single’ Men is on the Rise as Women with Higher Dating Standards Look for Partners Who are ‘Emotionally Available, Good Communicators, and Share Similar Values’, Says Psychologist (2022)
(Link): Women: Stop Asking Pat Robertson For Romantic Relationship Advice – Whether You Are Divorced or Single – Pat Robertson Replies to Letter from Four Time Divorced Woman Who Wants to Know If God Will Send Her a Non-Abusive Husband
(Link): Oil Town Where Single Male Population Vastly Outnumbers Females and they practically rape the women – Reflections on the Christian argument that men will treat women better if women in short supply