Mother of Dead Daughter Says Brother and Other Family Neglected Her During Time of Grief
This woman’s letter to Ask Amy sounds so familiar to me. I went through similar stuff after my mother died.
I wrote about one person’s dismal response to me in my time of grief here:
- (Link): People Really Hack Me Off (Part 2) The Clueless Christian Who Likes To Send You Upbeat Updates About Himself In Reply To Your Announcement of Your Mother’s Death (ex friend of mine)
In my time of grief, I either got entirely inappropriate responses from people, I got cliches, or I was completely ignored- or I was brushed off when I finally started calling some of these people and directly asking for emotional support.
Here’s the woman’s letter to Ask Amy (I have just a small number of comments below this letter and the partial reply from Amy):
- My daughter passed away last year after a long illness. We had a memorial service and many friends and family gathered to celebrate her life.
- My brother from out of town attended, bringing his two small grandchildren. He treated it like a family reunion, offered no condolences, and left early the next day to tour the city.
- His adult children with families of their own didn’t attend or send any acknowledgment.
- I thought we were close, as we both lost someone close to us within the last three years.
- We supported him during his grieving period and called frequently. We donated to a charity as a memorial to his loved one.
- None of this was reciprocated. I feel so disrespected. How do I get past it?
- [Signed] Grieving
Here is part of Amy’s response:
- Dear Grieving:
- One way to inch your way past this hurt is to admit to yourself how emotionally limited and thoughtless these relatives are. You just have to “own” this truth about them.
- Push through your disappointment until you realize that these deeply flawed humans are not only adding to your grief, but are also getting in the way of you reveling in the loveliness of your daughter’s life.
Americans are terrible at comforting anyone in grief, if they even bother to try. Christians are not excluded from this accusation.
Some of the worst wounds I got after my mother’s death came from self-professing Christians, many of whom go to church weekly.
But I’d say many just do not want to deal with it. Despite the fact the Bible says to weep with those who weep, and to do good to others in so far as you can, most Christians brushed me off or tried to get me out of their hair as quickly as they could by uttering platitudes.
Nobody wanted to really invest the time and effort of sitting with me for a mere hour or two once every few months to let me talk through the loss, what I was going through, and what I was feeling.
- Do not withhold good from those to whom it is due, when it is in your power to act.