Why Don’t Some Men Realize A Relationship Is Over Until It’s Too Late? by N. Reilly

Why Don’t Some Men Realize A Relationship Is Over Until It’s Too Late? by N. Reilly

I relate to this story I am linking to in this post.

This happened to me a bit with my ex fiance, I’ve seen other women go through the same thing.

Before women break up with a guy, they will have spent weeks, months, or years letting the guy know that there is a relationship problem, and exactly what that problem is.

(Edit. One variation on this: women who feel that they cannot even tell the guy what the problem is to begin with, because a lot of men will accuse the woman of nagging, so the woman may choose to stay mum and not tell the guy she believes there are problems with the relationship. But as for women who do speak up and tell the guy repeatedly what the problem is…..)

But a lot of men seem to be lazy at relationships. The woman will stand there and say, “It really bothers me when you do X,” or, “You need to start doing Z.” But the guy will just sit there, maybe not even listening to what the woman is saying. Or, the guy might half listen but make no attempt to change things.

This same scene will play out many times over months or years, with the woman saying she just cannot stand X or lack of Z anymore. Men get plenty of warning that the relationship is going south. They choose to disregard this or fail to read the signs.

After weeks, months, or years of trying, the woman gives up and moves on.

Women usually start emotionally pulling back, they stop fighting with the guy – they’ve already accepted things are over, and they make plans to leave.

By the time the woman tells the guy, “it’s over,” the guy expresses shock. They claim they didn’t know anything was wrong.

I don’t know why so many men fall into this pattern. It’s really not a mystery when a woman leaves a guy. Most women will give you plenty of advanced warning that things are over, or soon will be, if things don’t change. That is what this page discusses:

(Link):  Why don’t some men realise it’s over until it’s too late? by N. Reilly

Excerpts:

I’ve written about this statistic (Link): before [that women are more likely to initiate a divorce than men are], and extrapolated that, generally speaking, men tend not to be as in touch with the relationship, or their own needs, as women are.

Psychotherapist and relationships counsellor, Guy Vicars, former president of Australian Association of Relationship Counsellors, calls it avoidance.

“I think the tendency for men is to avoid relationship issues. Once they have emptied their bag of relationship tricks, they can kind of grind to a halt,” he says. “This is frustrating for their female partners who then feel like they are hitting their head on his brick wall.”

…But what happens if you’ve been raised as a traditional male, and you’re so disconnected from your feelings, you don’t recognise your own shame and hurt? A counsellor I know once had to gently tell all the men in the room, “You may say you’re fine, but if your pulse is racing and you’re raising your voice, it means you’re upset.”

Dear Reader, the year was 2011.

According to Vicars, this “not listening” thing is made worse when women aren’t able to properly communicate what is wrong.

“When men know clearly, they are usually more than happy to at least try and provide what is being sought. However some women find [the problem] hard to articulate and feel frustrated, let down and lonely,” he says.

I think this is what’s known in lay terms as the “nothing’s wrong’ defence. I know there are some evolved, mature communicators out there, but the rest of us know how this goes.

“Are you ok?”

“Yup” (Looks away. Tears prick eyes.)

“Are you sure?”

“Hhmm mm” (please note lack of articulation, due to aforementioned tears).

Cue: deeply uncomfortable silence until someone switches on the TV.

The thing is, we, as women, have been told for so long that our feelings (Link): aren’t real, or that we’re (Link): over-reacting, or (Link): nagging, that we become hesitant to say what’s bothering us. This is also known as avoidance! Check mate!

“[Trivialising a woman’s request] is a double-edged power play.” Is how Professor Susan Krauss Whitbourne describes the (Link): dynamic

“It saves him actually having to do anything in response to her request until he’s good and ready, if at all. By resisting her efforts to mold him to her will, the man can look as if he’s in control when he agrees to the request.”

So we stay silent, and quietly make plans to GTFO.

Yeah. Bad move.

“Of course it just gets worse, says Vicars. “Men hope it will go away, women get fed up with the lack of emotional connection and simply cut the knot.”

“This is why men are surprised when they come home to an empty house and a post-it note stuck to the wall where the fridge used to be.”

——————————

Related Posts:

(Link):  Utah lawmaker targets women with new divorce barriers so men aren’t ‘surprised’ – Alabama Also Considering It

(Link):  Actor Supposedly Too Self-Absorbed to Get or Keep a Girlfriend

(Link):  Go to Counseling to Deal With that Man-Child You Married (Hax Column)

(Link): Oklahoma to End Marriage and Make Divorce More Difficult – News Links (One report says more early marriage in Okla. seems to lead to more divorce)

(Link):  Dude Writes to Miss Manners Advice Columnist: “Miss Manners: No one Ever Replies to Me on Dating Sites”

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2 thoughts on “Why Don’t Some Men Realize A Relationship Is Over Until It’s Too Late? by N. Reilly”

  1. Apparently my ex knows it’s over now. He slammed my laptop over my knee (breaking the laptop but fortunately not the knee) because he was drunk and angry over–of all things–the damn laundry. I called the cops and they arrested him. This was in February of this year. It’s been eight months since I’ve seen or talked to him. I could be dead for all he knows and I plan on keeping it that way. He had been verbally, emotionally and yes, physically abusive the entire four years we were “together”–if together it can be called. Not only had this guy been abusive, he had also lied to me and stolen from me.

    Long before his arrest, I had been withdrawing from him and got to the point where I had not one fuck to give anymore. I was accused of being cold, distant, etc. I had been trying to tell him for the longest time I couldn’t handle his alcoholism and his abuse and had pleaded (not nagged) with him to get help. Of course, he was way too smart to get help. He never did get the memo that denial isn’t a river in Egypt.

    I wonder how ignorant and stupid he now feels (if he does)? Of course, he will no doubt tell anyone who’d give him an audience that everything was my fault. Well, I don’t have to worry about his lying any longer.

    So may God bless and keep his sorry and abusive ass far away from me.

    1. Yael, I am so sorry. I am so sorry your ex was abusive to you.

      What I went through with my ex fiance is no where near as severe as you went through with yours.

      My ex was a self absorbed mama’s boy who financially exploited me, but he didn’t physically harm me.

      I am mystified why the male of the human species act mystified as to why or how a woman beaks up with them. The ones who say, “I never saw that break up coming.”

      Most women usually do let the guy know a billion times in advance that she simply cannot endure “X” in the relationship any more…

      Women will beg, plead, and ask the man to change or go to counseling or whatever, but most men just blow it off and refuse to change, refuse to work on the relationship.

      You may want to check out this post on my blog,
      (Link): Utah lawmaker targets women with new divorce barriers so men aren’t ‘surprised’ – Alabama Also Considering It

      That law maker in that news story wants to make divorce more difficult for women, because he says, so many men are taken by surprise by divorce.

      The lawmaker in that story who wants to make divorce tougher for women to obtain is a Republican.

      I was a Republican for many years (I don’t know if I am still Republican or not), but many Republicans do tend to drop the ball on stuff like this.
      They (like lots of conservative Christians) are so enamored of Marriage and keeping it together No Matter What, they are willing to keep women trapped in abusive marriages – which I think is immoral and a type of evil.

      I am glad you are out of that relationship now and not being harmed by him. I am so sorry you were abused. I am so sorry.

      When you’re dating or married to a guy, it’s not supposed to be that way. You’re supposed to be loved and cherished by the guy. You deserve to be treated with love and consideration.

      About the only similarity I have with you in regards to your ex is my big sister.

      My sister is so verbally and emotionally abusive, I don’t have much to do with her anymore.

      I stopped e-mailing her kind of early last year. I had to block her on some of my social media accounts a few months ago because she was leaving bullying messages to me, picking fights, or being catty.

      I’ve never done anything to tick her off on purpose – she has long had a volatile temper. She sometimes looks for reasons to pick fights with me, especially on social media.

      I’ve always been the meek, sweet, passive, mild one between us, I was afraid of confrontation, and my mother discouraged me from being self assertive from the time I was a kid, so I never stood up to my sister previously.

      I finally did stand up to her (last year), I was civil about it, I did not yell or name call, and it got me a lot more anger from her, more yelling, nasty e-mails, etc.

      This created some other fall out for me in my life, some kind of other negative stuff (which I don’t want to get into, especially not publicly).

      You cannot reason with my sister. Telling her you’re not putting up with her verbal abuse only gets you more verbal abuse from her.

      I had been thinking of writing another blog post in that series I started about people who have let me down, and I was maybe going to write about my sister. I don’t know if I will or not.

      My sister is like that friend I wrote about earlier on my blog that you left a comment about ((Link): People Really Hack Me Off (Part 1) The Hypocritical, Constantly Angry, Christian Ingrate (ex friend of mine)) –

      Only my sister is ten times worse than her, and makes that ex friend look like a cuddly, tame, rational, sane teddy bear by comparison.

      But I’ve not been through anything as bad as what you did with your ex boyfriend or ex husband.

      I hope you find peace and happiness in this life, if not with a decent, caring guy, than as a single. Let me give you a cyber hug, ((( hug ))) and a smiley, 🙂

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