Boyfriend is insecure about girlfriend’s past (Ask Amy Letter)
Yes, sex sometimes means something to some people. Some people don’t believe in having numerous sexual partners, having casual sex, or what have you.
Some people can be troubled to know that their partner has a sexual history – or maybe can sort of compartmentalize it and suppress it, if they don’t get subjected to details about it.
Here we have a letter from a woman who says her current boyfriend is troubled by her sexual past.
Not everyone holds casual attitudes about sex.
Boyfriend is insecure about girlfriend’s past
I am seeking advice on a very touchy subject between me and my boyfriend of two years.
I am 24 years old. When I was 21, I was living in a different town and had a sexual relationship with another female.
This relationship did not last long, because I became conflicted and eventually determined I was just not interested in that lifestyle.
My boyfriend is everything to me! From our values to spirituality, he is my perfect match.
We have always been open and honest with each other. He has a daughter from a previous relationship, so he likes to make the point that he can’t hide his past.
I opened up about my past sexual history with the female. Now he seems to be struggling with a lot of insecurity.
I’m not sure what else I can do to comfort him, in that I am not gay. I was a young lady in a weird spot in life and experimented (like a lot of us do at that age).
But he is taking this very hard.
He has never lashed out at me, or said anything negative about me wanting to hook up with other women.
He has told me that he just has to work on his own insecurities.
It’s to the point that when we are in the same room and a TV show talks about lesbians or threesomes, the atmosphere just gets awkward. I hate it. His insecurity is making me insecure.
Why can’t he forget something that happened before we even knew each other? Was I wrong to tell him? How do I help him? What approach should I take to help him get over his insecurities? I need advice, badly. I don’t want this to go on forever.
Signed, Awkward in MO
DearAwkward in MO:
You can’t put a qualification or a timeline on someone else’s discomfort. From what you report, your boyfriend is being respectful and honest about his struggle.
Some people are unilaterally insecure about their beloved partners’ sexual past.
You, for instance, could react with tremendous insecurity about his previous relationship that resulted in the creation of a human being (but you don’t). Your sexual history is much lower-impact than his.
However, many people are simply bewildered by another person’s ability to enjoy a sexual relationship back and forth across gender lines. It is confusing. But he must move through this.
Your job is to accept your boyfriend’s discomfort without owning or appropriating his insecurity. Let him ask you questions and be transparent in your responses. Lighten up to defuse some of the awkwardness.
(Link): “My boyfriend was intimidated by my sexual history. So I dumped him.” by T. Hornung