How Sorry Do We Feel for the Lonesome Single Bachelors of New York? by T. Moore (never married men in their 40s talk about being tired of being single)

How Sorry Do We Feel for the Lonesome Single Bachelors of New York? by T. Moore (never married men in their 40s talk about being tired of being single)

I am not surprised to see some of these 40 something men, who have never married, pine for a 20 something women – some claiming it’s so they can “start families.”

Hey, sexist, ageist entitled never-married male buffoons: women in their 30s and 40s menstruate and can have babies too, if that’s your thing. See the links below on this page under “Related Posts” for more on that.

But I’d also have to point out that many 20 something women have no desire to marry men over five to ten years their senior. Most women are grossed out by dudes who are ten or more years their senior “hitting on them.”

I’m in my 40s and have no desire to marry or date a 60 something or 70 something dude, yet sometimes, these jokers contact me on dating sites, in spite of the fact my age cap cuts off after about 6 or 7 years my age.

(Link): How Sorry Do We Feel for the Lonesome Single Bachelors of New York? by T. Moore (never married men in their 40s talk about being tired of being single)

Excerpts:

  • It’s not a trick question: There’s a piece in the New York Times about aging single men in their 30s and 40s who are finally ready to settle down, but bummed that it takes actual effort and stuff.
  • What shall we do here? A round of sympathy drinks? Or a heartless, sarcastic boo-hoo?
  • First, let’s get to know the men (Link): in the piece:
  • Scott Slattery, 35-year-old communications and marketing consultant

    Slattery wants to be a dad but realizes old age is encroaching. “I still want to take care of [my kids] through their entire lives, so I don’t want to be old.”

  • There are more: Paul Gollash, the 40-year-old who realized in his late thirties that he was “fed up with being single” and so he suddenly had to hit up all the sorts of places he’d never have gone before to do the dreaded mingling, like cocktail parties and work events.

  • Or Alan Yang, the co-creator of the Aziz Ansari Netflix show Master of None who admitted that it wasn’t until his sister had a baby that it struck him that he might want a family of his own.

  • Or there’s 44-year-old Paul Morris, who doesn’t want kids, but doesn’t want to be single forever, either. He was out at a bar at 9 p.m. on a Sunday night—trying to be “out there,” and wondering if this was what 44 really looks like.

  • ….So, truth be told, it’s easy to mock these guys—careerists out working hard, having fun, seemingly oblivious to the notion that time ticks along for everyone.
  • It’s, yes, amusing to see men grappling mid-life with an insight that was tucked into an invisible pamphlet issued at birth to every woman I know. It read: Better lock something down before it’s too late and your looks are all dried up. Women have spent decades fighting this cultural notion of a female expiration date, only to find out that men have one too?

  • ….Women are culturally prodded toward relationships from day one—whether by guarding their virginity for true love or simply learning how to be a better, more understanding girlfriend.
  • For ages, the success or failure of a relationship was laid entirely at a woman’s door.
  • Men, meanwhile, are counseled on how to succeed at everything but relationships. There’s probably more guidance on fantasy football strategies in the world than on being a good boyfriend.
  • But as we move into our young adult lives in our twenties, it’s only recently that women are being more encouraged to focus on school and career and delay marriage, to date and have fun rather than smile nice at the guy next to you at college orientation just in case he might just be your future husband.

  • It’s astonishing to be reminded that for men, it’s possible to have a decades-long break of skipping out on this concern.

  • On one hand, I’m jealous, but there’s also a mild bit of schadenfreude about listening to successful urban men complain about how hard it is to get out there and make a basic attempt at meeting people.

  • Readers tended to agree. Comments (over 700) included men thanking Pappu for the piece, which they said perfectly captured the yearning that may not hit a man until he’s 55 (!).

  • Other appraisals were far less generous, like this one, from Maryjane in New York:

  • —–

  • As one of the thousands of single women in this city, I find this article to be a little ridiculous. I can’t speak for the gay men, but for the straight guys… if you really want to find a nice girl and settle down, all you have to do is make the slightest bit of effort. As soon as you decide to take that plunge, you will have no problem moving forward. So, I don’t really have any sympathy.

  • —–
  • And to the reporter who thinks that “all the really good girls that you would want to marry are taken”—well, what a joke.
  • The Times followed up with a piece (Link): examining those reader responses, highlighting, mostly, how relieved some women readers were to see men getting a taste of the medicine they’d been force-fed since conception.

  • “The guys are getting the same treatment from the Media that women have been getting for generations: ‘hurry up and get married before you’re too old and nobody wants you,” one wrote.

  • Another woman who’d lived in New York during her twenties and thirties said it was comeuppance: “I know very well that they are of the same age group that would drop someone like a hot rock for any excuse back in the day (one guy who had spoken of marriage changed his mind because he didn’t like the eyeliner that I wore one night), just because there were so many options out there.”

Comments from that page:

  •  By Luchcoma

    Eh. To the extent I have sympathy for these guys, it’s because they were lied to a little bit. Just because you can have kids forever doesn’t mean you’ll be able to find a woman who’s young enough to be able to do the couple years of dating/ year of engagement/ year or two of childless marriage and still have biological kids who also meets your other standards and who’s interested in you.

    Women get a harsh dose of that reality fairly early in life and at least have an opportunity to make plans.

    I think men are sometimes told that if they’re successful enough, they can always find someone young to have kids with.

    Beyond that, I’d say those guys should look at what their female peers are doing. If a traditional family is what’s most important, maybe it’s time for a career and lifestyle change so you have time to work on that.

    Or, maybe it’s time to think about less traditional ways to have children in your life, or to reconsider how long you need to be involved with someone before agreeing to raise a child or whether that person needs to be your soulmate.

    That’s not crowing or laughing at these guys but genuine advice. You’re not necessarily going to get everything you want in life. The world doesn’t usually tell this to men, but that doesn’t mean they’re exempt.

 comment by FieryAntidote

  • I once told someon who was 20+ years older than that I couldn’t date because I was looking for a relationship with someone close to my age with whom I could potentially start a family.
  • Oh my God, the wounded entitled rage!
  • He proceeded to barrage me with emails about how he could impregnate me well into old age. But I don’t just want a sperm donor (and paternal age does correlate with higher risks too), I want a parenting partner.
  • These guys don’t seem to consider whether they will have the energy and interest to parent young kids in their 50s and 60s. Going to PTA meetings and working full time while your friends are thinking of retiring?
  • And men die younger….what about the chances of seeing their kids into adulthood.
  • Who wants to be paying for college in their 70s? Their is a lot more to parenting than the ability to fertilize an egg.
 Or one who’s younger who’s also willing.

As (Link):  we said last week when I think the back-page covered this, these dudes always seem to automatically assume these women are going to want them.That’s not necessarily a safe assumption.

(And also – maybe they don’t care. In which case I’m sure those relationships will work out really well.)

comment by 

All this. There’s this idea that 20-somethings are just fine dating older men. We’re not. Personally, I wouldn’t want to become caretaker to my husband the minute the kids go off to college. But that’s exactly what would happen.

This is another example of how a sense of entitlement can embitter people. Just because you decide you WANT a family at a certain age doesn’t mean you’re going to automatically get one.

Personal experience with this, my brother in law was just diagnosed with depression and he’s very vocal about his anger about not having a wife and kids. For years I’ve heard him blather on about how he’d never date a fat woman, a woman of a different race, an older woman, etc. Soooo, I don’t have much sympathy for dudes who whine about this type of shit.

1/16/16 3:29pm

For whatever it’s worth, newer studies looking at female fertility make it look like what we generally assumed to be a steady decline in fertility with age is actually over-stated, mainly because they the studies used were looking at historic data where women all married in their early 20s, so the women still trying in their 40s were more likely to have been already infertile in their 20s (since they’d already been trying for 20 years, the women still trying at 40 were more likely as an individual to have infertility issues), which was then extrapolated on a population level.

So, on an individual level (which is what matters to your own fertility), it doesn’t matter nearly as much as everybody tells us if you choose to wait.

After hearing so many concerning statistics during my med school classes, it made me feel a whole lot better when I read that newer analysis. And honestly, people just suck because women’s lives are complicated creatures that shouldn’t have to revolve around baby-making.

1/16/16 3:19pm

No sympathy whatsoever. The first guy that you mention – the hair dresser admits that one option is to go out and have sex with a random girl. Maybe if he treated women as human emotional beings worthy of investing time and energy in getting to know instead of an “option” he wouldn’t be the single guy with a bunch of married friends.

by Ari Schwarz /16/16 3:47pm 

I feel bad for lonely people who aren’t outright bad people, but I meet a lot of lonely men who simply impose impossible standards on their “dream girl” and trap themselves in loneliness by their own accord. Granted, this isn’t limited to men, but I feel (don’t know, just feel) like more men inflict impossible standards than women.

Comeuppance at the price of people’s lifetime well-being seems a bit unnecessary, but maybe these guys will serve as messengers to younger men— stop being an asshole about your absurd expectations and start treating relationships as partnership building exercises in an otherwise cold, lonely world.

1/16/16 3:24pm

It seems like many men have unrealistic expectations.

One friend I have (who is very nice in every other way) that has serious self esteem issues due to weight. He has a great job, sweet guy, lots of friends and he is only slightly overweight.

But, he refuses to explore options because he’s afraid he will be rejected. All of this is very understandable.

HOWEVER, when a woman is interested in him, he has such unrealistic standards! It’s very sad. Like if she isn’t hot and tiny, not interested. I have seen this happen again and again.

On a separate but related note, I was married once before to a man that sounds so much like these men.

He really wanted a successful, independent woman, who could pull her own weight and challenge him.

However once we were married, it turned out he wanted someone that worked full time with a good job, while also doing 90% of the house work. Hence, why we are no longer married.

1/16/16 3:32pm

This is what happens in a society that tells men they are entitled to whatever woman they want.

They’ll spend years Goldilocks-ing their way through the dating pool (too fat, too tall, calls too much, wears too much makeup…) only to find themselves 40 and still single. Then they lament that no woman wants them.

1/16/16 4:07pm

Single, relationship-minded straight men over 30 are in HIGH demand. If only they’d consider partnering with women their own age they could be off the market in no time.

1/16/16 3:53pm

As a single 34 year old woman living in a big city, I call bullshit on this so hard. I would love to get married and have wanted that for some time. I want to create a home, equal partnership and life with someone.

However, the majority of men my age and older who also want that seem to have a 30 and younger cut off. And then they’re all sad because they’re alone? Sorry, bro. You’ve made your own prison.

My most recent attempt at dating was with a 48 year old divorced dude who felt he deserved all kinds of credit for being attracted to someone as old as me. He was shocked when his last relationship – with a 20 year old – ended because she didn’t want to get married, do carpool with his kids, etc. And his main complaint was the sads echoed by single middle aged men everywhere:

“I just want someone to want me for me and not my wallet! It’s not my fault I’m only attracted to women under 30! They’re more fun!”.

Oh. Ok. Can’t imagine why you’re all still alone.

1/16/16 4:05pm

UGH, the dude “worrying” if it’s appropriate to have babies with a younger woman. Please, I’m sure he’s more than thrilled to have an excuse to schtup 25 year-olds because it’s not like women in their 30’s and 40’s can have babies, amirite?

When I first moved to NYC, I dated a 42 year-old when I was 23. It was brief and strictly for fun, but I’ll never forget when he said he wasn’t attracted to women over 30 because dating women his age was like “being interviewed for a job.” Well, here ladies just didn’t want to waste their time with someone who’s dicking around. (He also said Scarlett Johannsen isn’t aging well and she’s two years older than me. He was awful.)

They say they want marriage and a family, but they don’t want someone their age who’s onto their bullshit. Nor do they want to step up and act their age entirely, so they skew younger because what do we know, right?

1/16/16 5:19pm

Yeah, it sucks when you f*ck your way through a city the majority of your youth, prey on women half your age after that, and in between dispose of potential partners with less care than cigarette butts.

And you wonder why you’re alone and losing your appeal with each consecutive decade? These men complaining of finally wanting to settle down and finding themselves with minimal prospects made serial singledom a paradigm; finding a uterus to dump their sperm into won’t magically undo that.

——————————-

Related Posts:

(Link):  The Reason Why Men Marry Some Women And Not Others by D. Brennan

(Link):  2014 Study: US Birth Rates Hit Record Low (but on increase for women age 35 and especially over 40)

(Link):  Why Being Single Sucks: What No One Wants to Talk About, by B. Smith

(Link):  The Biggest Threat To Middle-Aged Men: Loneliness

(Link):  Middle Aged, Single Christian Guy’s Long, Picky Girlfriend Wanted Ad on Craig’s List

(Link):  Single and 40: Dealing with Disappointment by L. Bishop

(Link):  Ageism Vs. Age Preferences and Creepy Older Men

(Link): I’m 45, Single And Childless. No, There’s Nothing ‘Wrong’ With Me. by M Notkin

(Link): Infertility/ Kids/ The Male Biological Clock

(Link): Ladies Over 35 Years Of Age Having Babies

(Link):  The Decline in Male Fertility – Is the decline in male fertility a “crisis” or not enough data?

(Link):  Stop putting pressure on women to have kids before they’re 30 by A Chandler

(Link): Myths About Never Married Adults Over Age 40

(Link): The Stupid Advice We Give To Single Women Over 40 (from the Current Conscience Blog)

(Link): First Time Marriage for Man and Woman Both Over Age 40

(Link): This dad is glad he postponed fatherhood (commentary – first time father at age 40 or older)

(Link): Never-Married Men Over 40: Date-able or Debate-able?

(Link): Woman’s First Marriage at Age 40+

(Link): Men Become ‘Invisible’ And Lose Sex Appeal At 39 – Article from Daily Caller

(Link): First Time Marriage for Man and Woman Both Over Age 40

(Link):   The Grief, Happiness, and Hope of Late-in-Life Singleness by H. Ferguson (she married for first time at age 58) 

(Link): Stop Telling Women Their Most Valuable Asset Is Their Youth (From Time)

(Link): Men Become ‘Invisible’ And Lose Sex Appeal At 39 – Article from Daily Caller

(Link): Obnoxious, Condescending, Sexist Esquire Editorial by 50-Something Year Old Man, Tom Junod: “In Praise of 42 Year Old Women” – Condescendingly Reassures 40 Something Women He’d Sex Them Up

(Link): Why men are boycotting marriage, fatherhood and the American Dream (article by Matt K. Lewis)

(Link): Why all the articles about being Child Free? On Being Childfree or Childless – as a Conservative / Right Wing / Christian

(Link): College Women, Don’t Listen to Marriage Concern Trolls

(Link): True Love Waits . . . and Waits . . . and Waits – editorial about delayed marriage and related issues

(Link): The Irrelevancy To Single or Childless or Childfree Christian Women of Biblical Gender Complementarian Roles / Biblical Womanhood Teachings

(Link): Otherhood – An overlooked demographic – the Childless and Childfree Women and Singles Especially Women Who Had Hoped to Marry and Have Kids But Never Met Mr. Right (links)

(Link): The Nauseating Push by Evangelicals for Early Marriage

(Link): The best age to marry is when you meet the right person – editorial responding to study that says if you marry past 30 your marriage is doomed

(Link):  Are Marriage and Family A Woman’s Highest Calling? by Marcia Wolf – and other links that address the Christian fallacy that a woman’s most godly or only proper role is as wife and mother

 (Link): Singleness Is Not a Gift

(Link):  Please Stop Shaming Me for Being Single by J. Vadnal

(Link): On Being Circumstantially Childless by A. Pearson

(Link): Why It May Be Wiser For Women to Enter First Marriage At Age 40+ – especially ones from religious or conservative families

(Link): The advantages to getting engaged at age 37, by Patricia Beauchamp

(Link): The Netherworld of Singleness for Some Singles – You Want Marriage But Don’t Want to Be Disrespected or Ignored for Being Single While You’re Single

(Link): Article by J. Watts: The Scandal of Singleness

(Link):  40 Year Old Never Married Woman Asks Dear Abby Why She Keeps Attracting Abusive Men

(Link):  Statistics Show Single Adults Now Outnumber Married Adults in the United States

(Link):   Thirty Year Old Woman Kills Herself Due to Being Single and Childless – Churches contribute to this by either Ignoring adult singles or shaming them for being single and childless

(Link):   Stop Believing God Told You to Marry Your Spouse by G. Thomas

(Link):  Want To But Can’t – The One Christian Demographic Being Continually Ignored by Christians Re: Marriage

(Link):  The Holy Spirit Sanctifies a Person Not A Spouse – Weekly Christian Marriage Advice Column Pokes Holes in Christian Stereotype that Marriage Automatically Sanctifies People

(Link): How Christians Have Failed on Teaching Maturity and Morality Vis A Vis Marriage / Parenthood – Used as Markers of Maturity Or Assumed to be Sanctifiers

(Link): The Myth of the Gift – Regarding Christian Teachings on Gift of Singleness and Gift of Celibacy

(Link): There is No Such Thing as a Gift of Singleness or Gift of Celibacy or A Calling To Either One

(Link):   Decent Secular Relationship Advice: How to Pick Your Life Partner

(Link):   Typical Conservative Assumption: If you want marriage bad enough (or at all), Mr. Right will magically appear

(Link):  Depressing Testimony: “I Was A Stripper but Jesus Sent Me A Great Christian Husband”

(Link):  The Cruel, Capricious God of Naive Christians, Concerning Singleness and Marriage – If Only You Had Waited Five More Minutes!

(Link): Ever Notice That Christians Don’t Care About or Value Singleness, Unless Jesus Christ’s Singleness and Celibacy is Doubted or Called Into Question by Scholars?

(Link): Family as “The” Backbone of Society? – It’s Not In The Bible

(Link): Is Singleness A Sin? by Camerin Courtney

(Link):  Wives Are Now More Educated than Husbands In the U.S.

(Link):  Over 10 Million Men of Prime Working Age Are Unemployed in the US and Experts Think It’s Causing Declining Marriage Rates

(Link): Why are Working Women Starting to Unplug from Their Churches? by Sandra Crawford Williamson (Also discusses never married adult women)

(Link): Why Unmarried – Single Christians including MEN Should Be Concerned about the Gender Role Controversy

(Link):  Christianity Should Be Able To Work Regardless of Culture, Childed or Marital Status / Article: Unlike in the 1950s, there is no ‘typical’ U.S. family today by B. Shulte

(Link):  “Who is my mother and who are my brothers?” – one of the most excellent Christian rebuttals I have seen against the Christian idolatry of marriage and natalism, and in support of adult singleness and celibacy – from CBE’s site

(Link): Post by Sarah Bessey Re: Churches Ignore Never Married Older and/or Childless Christian Women, Discriminate Against Them

(Link):  Christian Teachings on Relationships: They’re One Reason Singles Are Remaining Single (even if they want to get married)

(Link): New-ish Christian Cliche’ About Singlehood: Don’t Waste Your Singleness -or- Make the Most of Your Singleness

(Link): Same Old Tired Advice to Christian Singles

(Link): Fifteen Things You Shouldn’t Say or Do To Your Single Friends

(Link): Annoyances of Being a Christian Single (includes some of the usual cliches you get)

(Link): Responding to the Cliche’ “Jesus Is All You Need” – Re Christian Singles

(Link): The Obligatory, “Oh, but if you’re single you can still benefit from my marriage sermon” line

(Link): The Problem with Platitudes – for Christian single over 35 years old never married

(Link): 10 Things Never to Say to a Single Girl (article)

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