Five Unhelpful Things Singles Are Tired Of Hearing by R. Duncan / Eight Things You Should Never Say To Your Single Friends by K. Wilkinson
There is also a link below to “Eight Things You Should Never Say To Your Single Friends”
- by Ryan Duncan
- Life as a single adult (Link): can be difficult. Life as a single Christian, on the other hand, can be just plain exasperating. While never short on community, single Christians often find themselves bombarded with well-meaning, but unhelpful advice from their married peers.
- In response, (Link): Krysti Wilkinson of Relevant Magazine decided it was time to compile a list of things you should never say to your single friends. Coupled with a few of my own favorite gems, here are five things your single friends are tired of hearing.
- “Wow, You Must Have So Much Free Time!”
- “This is usually an attempt to point out the silver lining. But this sometimes implies that your single friend’s schedule, and life, must be empty (and void of anything meaningful) when there isn’t a significant other in it. True, those of us who are single have just one person’s schedule to keep track of instead of two, but there are so many other important parts of our days that have nothing to do with our love lives.”
- “Celibacy is a Gift!”
- Not to sound melodramatic, but every time I hear this I want to peel my skin off with a cheese grater.
- Yes, the Bible tells us celibacy is a gift (1 Corinthians 7:7-8), but it also repeatedly states that celibacy is a gift people choose (Matthew 19:10-11).
- For those of us who are still hoping to build a life with someone, waxing poetic on the virtues of celibacy is akin to branding us a lost cause. It’s similar to when Little Leagues give their players “Participation Awards”, you know they’re trying to make the kids feel better, but it just makes everything so much worse.
- (( click here to read the rest ))
Please note: I disagree with the “celibacy is a gift” perspective. I’ve blogged on that before so shall not get into here.
But I do like that this author at least mentions that not all of us wanted to be celibate – some of us wanted to be married and having sex. Stop telling those of us who are reluctantly celibate, so to speak, that our celibacy or single status are “gifts.”
You would not dare to tell an infertile women who wants to get pregnant but cannot that her infertility is a “gift,” as you must realize how insensitive that would be, so do shut up about referring to singleness or celibacy as “gifts” in a blanket statement, because many singles do want to get married. I can assure you there are plenty of singles who don’t regard their status as being a “gift.”
That does not mean you should take the flip side of the coin and act or talk about singleness as though singleness is a second class, horrible status. Single people want to be respected so long as they are in their single state, but AT THE SAME TIME, would also like to have their desire for marriage respected, if they are the sort of single who wants to get married.
Respecting a single’s desire for marriage does not mean trying to sell the single on how great singleness really is, what with all the “your singleness is a gift!,” “singleness gives you more time to serve God!” and other equally nauseating clap trap and obnoxious, well intentioned pep talks Christian people like to quote at singles who would rather be married.
A few phrases single people are tired of hearing.
…If you’re single, you are likely the recipient of a lot of unsolicited advice, encouragement and pep talks. People want to help, they have great intentions—yet they sometimes cross the line of “too far” and end up miles past “helpful.”
[Here are a few examples of things NOT to say to adult singles]
…“How Are You Still Single?”
This is meant as a compliment, but it can come off as somewhat offensive.
Being surprised that someone great is single assumes that there is something inherently wrong with single people — that they somehow deserve the “punishment” of singleness.
Wonderful people find themselves in relationships, the thinking seems to go. Crazy, messed up people find themselves single.But of course, that’s not how the world works. Singleness isn’t necessarily the symptom of some big flaw, just as being in a relationship doesn’t necessarily mean you’re healthy.
-“Use This Time to Better Yourself!”
-“Marriage Is So Great!”
-“…That’s Why You’re Single”
Unless you are a deep, personal friend of someone’s and feel called to to enter into a deep, vulnerable conversation with them, never say this, even if you’ve heard them joke about it from time to time.
Reasons for being single are usually not up for discussion with mere acquaintances— they are typically very personal and unique to each person. Making a joke out of it does more harm than good.
-“I Can’t Even Imagine Being Single. I Don’t Know How You Do It.”
— end excerpt—
Some of the comments at the bottom of the page on Crosswalk:
Comment by Nancy Haag
- My favorite “Christian Single” comment was an associate pastor who suggested the adult singles should do the spring and fall cleaning at the church “because you don’t have a family to take care of and you have so much more time available.” All the Christian adults in question had careers that required way more than 40 hour work weeks.
by Carolyn Hinkle Dake
- First of all, singles do not always have more time on their hands. It is very time consuming and downright difficult.
- I have been married, and am now single. I own my home and I not only have to cook, clean and run the household just as if I had a mate. I also have to concern myself with the care of the car, and mow the lawn and make sure the roof doesn’t leak, etc.
- When you are single, you don’t have anyone to help you do jobs or repair things around your home and you don’t have that 2nd salary to hire anyone either. Sometimes married men don’t repair things around their own home, so they are sure not going to help the single girl at church even if their wife lets them.
- But the married man , in some instances, can hire someone to do things if there is two salaries. Sometimes it takes 4 hands to lift things, and the lists never ends. If you get sick, you are by yourself.
(Link): Singleness Is Not A Gift
(Link): “Who is my mother and who are my brothers?” – one of the most excellent Christian rebuttals I have seen against the Christian idolatry of marriage and natalism, and in support of adult singleness and celibacy – from CBE’s site
(Link): Christian ‘Married People’ Privilege – Most Marrieds Remain Amazingly Blinded to Christian Discrimination Against Singles Or Write Unmarrieds’ Concerns Off, As Though They Are Nothing Compared to Marriage/ Parenting.
Marrieds and Parents also turn every thing into them, about them, about marriage and their needs/ problems
Because most sermons about singleness are chock full of cliche’s-
(Link): Topics Preachers Should or Shouldn’t Mention When Discussing Singlehood