Christian Blogger About Divorce, Pastor Andrew Webb, Thinks All To Most Mid-Life Never – Married or Single – Again Adults Are Mal-Adjusted, Ugly Losers Who Have Too Much Baggage
Holy guacamole did I ever find a post by a Christian guy who really knows how to slam never-married or “single again” adults.
I was astounded by parts of this guy’s post.
I almost re-tweeted a link to his blog post about divorce from my Twitter page (I saw someone else share it on Twitter), thinking someone may find it helpful (judging from the title alone, it sounded like it might be a good page) but thankfully, I skimmed it first.
I left a reply under the guy’s post, and his blog says my post is awaiting moderation. Who knows if he will approve it to appear or not.
(August 2016 update: my comment on his blog, that I made in April 2016, is STILL tagged with the “awaiting moderation” comment on his blog. Unreal.)
I have copied in my reply farther below. I tried to be civil in my reply.
I’m going to try to be charitable here on my own blog: maybe this guy does not realize how deeply insulting his blog post is – the parts where he talks about divorced people or the never-married.
This guy should realize that upholding marriage or discouraging divorce does not necessitate INSULTING SINGLE PEOPLE.
You do not have to scare married people out of divorce by suggesting that all “single again” or never-married adults out there are great big, scary losers who have a lot of baggage, so if married people divorce, they won’t be able to find a great partner.
Where in the Bible does the Apostle Paul or Jesus Christ ever discourage divorce on the reasoning that, “Hey, if you divorce at 35 or 45, good luck, because your dating pool at that time consists only of fat trolls or loser weirdos.” Yeah, never.
The apostle Paul, as a matter of fact said things about singles and marriage such as…
- Now about those questions you asked in your last letter: my answer is that if you do not marry, it is good.
- ..I’m not saying you must marry, but you certainly may if you wish. I wish everyone could get along without marrying, just as I do. But we are not all the same.
- … However, marriage will bring extra problems that I wish you didn’t have to face right now. (1 Corinthians 7)
Yeah, I don’t see where Paul tried to scare people into marriage or away from divorce by denigrating singlehood.
I’m a great catch, but I never happened to marry. I’m in my 40s. I am not a stupid, ugly, troll. I am not a serial killer. You can find attractive, decent people to marry in mid-age. It may not be easy, but it can be done.
By the way, that whole “older people have a lot of baggage and therefore are not marriage material” is a lot of bullsh*t, as I’ve blogged about before (Link): here. (And please see the links at the end of this blog post under the “Related Posts” section.)
The guy who wrote this says he is a pastor.
Holy mother of Hank, one wonders what kind of insensitive advice does he dole out to never-married adults who are over the age of 35 or 45, if this is how he refers to us in this blog post about marriage and divorce? I would assume this guy is married and has been for several years – if so, he is suffering from an extreme case of (Link): Married People Privilege.
(Link): Before You Get Divorced… by Andrew Webb
Excerpts:
Over the past 15 years as a pastor, I have counseled a lot of people who have told me they wanted to divorce their spouse for reasons other than adultery or desertion.
[Here is his list of reasons he believes married people should avoid divorce – partial list]
4) You aren’t going to find the “perfect” alternative spouse out there:
All humans are sinners (Romans 3:10, Romans 3:23), so you might find someone who does some things better than your old spouse, but inevitably they will do some other things worse, and having abandoned one marriage, you will be even more ready to abandon a second.
…5) Dating after 30 with kids of your own usually SUCKS (I apologize, but there simply isn’t a good alternative word that conveys how bad it is):
Face the facts, all of the undamaged, moral, upstanding, trustworthy, responsible, good looking, well adjusted people without baggage are all married by now. The people you will be dating are going to be either divorced themselves, or trailing a bunch of bad relationships of their own.
And guys, you simply aren’t the catch you think you are, and other people either know it, or will realize it. Also remember that you’re married to someone who has been trained to put up with your garbage – other people aren’t and won’t.
— end excerpt —
After skimming down further, I do see the author offers this caveat:
This is not the speech I would give to someone who was the victim of adultery, desertion, or spousal abuse.
— end —
I pretty much agree with his point #4. I agree that a lot of people who divorce, or who have affairs, rationalize it by thinking that a new partner will make their life better, or have all the qualities they had hoped their spouse would.
They think the “grass will be greener on the other side of the fence,” but that’s not always so. Sometimes it is or can be, but not always.
But point 5? Hell no! Point 5 is unnecessarily offensive and insulting to never-married adults, widowers, widows, and the divorced.
I don’t think Webb considers several things – like women of my age and after are either not marrying at all, or are intentionally delaying marriage. Some women wanted to marry but couldn’t find the right partner. People no longer marry right out of high school or college as they used to do several decades ago.
There are now more single Americans in the U.S.A. than there are married couples (please see this link for more on that subject.)
I have several blog posts with links to news articles about the man shortages in Christianity and other faiths, which leaves women single, such as (also: secular culture seems to be having similar problems in this area – there aren’t enough steadily employed, college- educated single men to go around for the steadily employed, college educated women who would like to marry):
Here is the comment I left on his page, I have no idea if he will publish it or not:
MY REPLY ON ANDREW WEBB’S BLOG:
I have to strongly disagree with one part of your post that I’ve read so far.
The part I disagree with reads:
- “Face the facts, all of the undamaged, moral, upstanding, trustworthy, responsible, good looking, well adjusted people without baggage are all married by now. The people you will be dating are going to be either divorced themselves, or trailing a bunch of bad relationships of their own.”
Do you not realize how insulting that is?
I run my own blog – called “Christian Pundit,” where I largely blog on topics related to what it’s like to be a single adult who wanted marriage, but it never came to pass.
I am now over 40 years of age, was engaged in my early 30s (though I broke it off), and I never happened to meet the right guy, ergo, I am still single (never married). I am not a “damaged, immoral, untrustworthy, irresponsible, ugly” etc. person as your statement suggests.
I have actually worked through all my “baggage” and am a mentally healthy place now for the first time in my life. (It’s generally people in their youth who have “baggage,” not middle aged or older adults who have “worked through” their problems. I have an entire blog post on that topic on my blog.)
There are all sorts of reasons good, decent, upstanding, physically attractive people don’t marry (even if they wanted to) – and it’s through no fault of their own – not because they are flawed beyond repair or some kind of loser.
I also track news stories and studies about the gender imbalance in conservative religious circles: there are, and have been, far more single, conservative religious (Christian, Mormon, and Jewish) women than there are male counterparts.
It’s a numbers game: there simply are not enough men to marry for all the religious, hetero ladies who’d like to marry.
So, you have women like me (raised Christian) who took the commands and interpretations by other Christians to “pray, trust in the Lord for a mate, and ONLY marry another Christian (i.e., the equally yoked teaching)” and we still, after all that waiting and praying, are still single.
I mean, ironically, one large reason a lot of good catches such as myself are still single is that we genuinely followed all the Christian teachings and sermons about dating we heard from our teen-aged years.
Had I ignored the “be equally yoked” nonsense I was taught by Christians when younger, I could have probably been married by now: men who saw my photo at friend’s and family’s houses asked to be fixed up with me on dates. So, I dated them, but once I found out they were Non-Christians, I didn’t pursue those relationships further.
I am interested in reading testimonies by Christian women who married Non-Christians, or who remarried to a Non-Christian.
Out of the many anecdotes I’ve read by such women over the years, they say their second husband (who was usually an atheist or some other sort of Non-Christian) ended up treating them far better than their Christian spouse (their Christian husband being their first spouse – who they had to divorce because he was physically and/or emotionally abusive).
So, I wouldn’t be so quick to try this “fear mongering” approach with married people reading your blog who are pondering obtaining a divorce – if they divorce their current spouse for whatever reason (especially due to abuse of some sort), they just might go on to find a second spouse who is more loving and kind to them, or with whom they are more compatible.
Anyway, your presentation and depiction of people who are “single again” in mid-life, or never-married in mid-life, is very demeaning, insulting, and chock full of unfair assumptions.
Related Posts (on this blog):
(Link): Please Stop Shaming Me for Being Single by J. Vadnal
(Link): I’m 45, Single And Childless. No, There’s Nothing ‘Wrong’ With Me. by M Notkin
(Link): Article by J. Watts: The Scandal of Singleness
(Link): Do Married Couples Slight Their Family Members as Well as Their Friends? / “Greedy Marriages”
(Link): Decent Secular Relationship Advice: How to Pick Your Life Partner
(Link): Stupid Things Naive Christians Say (About Adultery, Divorce) from Divorce Minister Blog
(Link): Does God Require Singles to Be Perfect Before He Will Send Them a Spouse
(Link): Myths About Never Married Adults Over Age 40
(Link): Following the Usual Advice Won’t Get You Dates or Married – Even Celebrities Have A Hard Time
(Link): If the Family Is Central, Christ Isn’t
(Link): ‘Why Are You Single’ Lists That Do Not Pathologize Singles by Bella DePaulo
Link): Slut? Selfish? Sad? No, just a single woman (editorial)
(Link): A Long Time Single Responds to a ‘Why You’re Not Married’ Article
(Link): Statistics [from year 2014] Show Single Adults Now Outnumber Married Adults in the United States
(Link): I’m Single, But I’m Still a Whole Person (article)
(Lies): Lies The Church Tells Single Women (by Sue Bohlin)
(Link): The Nauseating Push by Evangelicals for Early Marriage
(Link): A Case Against Early Marriage by Ashley Moore (editorial)
(Link): Study: Got Married Sooner Than You Hoped? That’s Depressing
(Link): Singles Shaming at The Vintage church in Raleigh – Singlehood Shaming / Celibate Shaming
(Link): The Right One – Do Unmarried Christians Only Need Jesus in Common to Marry
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