Stop Pressuring Women to Be Moms: It’s Insulting to Assume We All Want The Same Thing by R K Bussel
(Link): Stop Pressuring Women to Be Moms: It’s Insulting to Assume We All Want The Same Thing
Excerpts
- I used to wonder why my childfree friends were so adamant about what they didn’t want—but I get it now
- We talk a lot about freedom of choice when it comes to reproduction, but there’s still one choice that women face an unconscionable amount of backlash over: the decision not to have kids. In an essay for (Link): Marie Claire, writer Starre Vartan details the opposition she’s faced in the dating and medical arenas over her choice to remain childfree, with a gynecologist telling her “That’s what we’re here for” and two boyfriends deliberately removing condoms during sex in a disgusting attempt to force her to change her mind:
- “I…explained how terrified I was, physically and mentally, to be pregnant, to care for needy small humans. Two different, otherwise wonderful, handsome, and brilliant men said they ‘understood’ after I opened up about my fears. And then they each promptly sabotaged the birth control that I was very strict about.”
- Assuming that all women automatically want kids is insulting—to everyone. It insults those who do plan to have kids or are parents already by diminishing the sheer amount of physical and emotional labor that goes into the undertaking. It insults those who don’t want kids, or aren’t sure, by elevating motherhood above every other option….
- …Nobody wins by coercing someone else into becoming a parent, or making someone feel guilty, damaged or ostracized for not wanting kids.
- …Here’s another news flash: those who are childfree may very well enjoy kids, but not want to have their own, just as you can be an animal lover and not want to be a pet owner. But with children, it’s assumed, as Bryant writes, that because you can, you automatically should, as if your maternal instincts will go entirely to waste otherwise….
- ..But pressure to have kids is a problem for more than just the adamantly childfree; those subtle and not so subtle questions and hints, from family members, friends, coworkers or strangers take a toll. In a moving essay, (Link): Margo Lockhart details her inability to process the fact that her daughter wasn’t gung ho to become a mom, writing “I have been guilty of expecting my daughter to have children without really asking her if that is what she saw for herself.”
- …Having kids isn’t something we should expect people to decide on a whim, or because it’s expected, or because of their gender.
- …This baby pressure is tied directly to reproductive freedom, because how free can we possibly be when we are bombarded with the idea that we should want kids, or it makes us somehow less human, less womanly, less loving? It could even lead to more abortions, if men like Vartan’s lovers consider birth control something they can use or not at will.
- Women should not have to detail for anyone their reasons for not wanting kids, nor should they be shamed or railroaded into having them. What purpose does that serve—to either make women feel guilty for not having kids, or push them toward doing something they know in their hearts isn’t really for them?
- ..Too many people are all too happy to assume that what’s right for them is what’s right for everyone else, rather than simply making peace with the fact that some women (and men) want kids, some don’t, some aren’t sure and some may change their minds. Those options are all fine; what’s not fine is claiming that, say, because you love your kids, everyone will love having kids, or because you regret not having kids, all women will.
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Related Posts:
(Link): A Woman’s Fertility is Her Own Business, not Everyone Else’s by L. Bates
(Link): Three misconceptions about childfree men
(Link): Facebook’s motherhood challenge makes me want to punch my computer screen by F. Everett
(Link): Stop putting pressure on women to have kids before they’re 30 by A Chandler
(Link): Is The Church Failing Childless Women? by Diane Paddison
(Link): Why the World Needs Childfree Women by Claudia Spahr
(Link): Article by J. Watts: The Scandal of Singleness – singles never married christian
(Link): Renting a Womb – Women Reduced to Baby Breeders (editorial from CP)
(Link): Remaining childless can be wise and meaningful. The pope should know Gaby Hinsliff
(Link): If the Family Is Central, Christ Isn’t
(Link): Praying for a Child – The Catholic Church makes life impossible for infertile women.
(Link): Why do we still have to justify the choice to be child-free? by H. Freeman
(Link): Loving the child-free people in your church by S. Burden
(Link): Fatherhood and Marriage Bring Out the Best In Men says Conservative Think Tank (They are wrong)
(Link): Family as “The” Backbone of Society? – It’s Not In The Bible
(Link): Study: Couples Without Children Have Happier Marriages / Study: Having Kids Ruins Your Life
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