Single Woman Seeking Manwich by S. Moses
- I almost gave up on dating when a sandwich rejected me. I got a message on OkCupid that said, “What’s shaking bacon?” and the only profile pictures were of actual sandwiches. Delicious-looking sandwiches, but sandwiches nonetheless.
- Since I was feeling hungry and lonely, I decided to reply. A lot of bready puns ensued — the bacon, egg and cheese sandwich told me he “kneaded” me, and I told him I hoped I could rise to the occasion.
- He told me I was on a roll and assured me that my jokes weren’t stale.
He then said I was bacon him crazy and asked me to be his bay-gal.
I wrote, “I’d loaf to be your bagel!!”
Then I never heard from him again. Maybe I was too eager and shouldn’t have used two exclamation points. The sad thing (yes, sadder than corresponding with a sandwich) is that I was actually disappointed.
Was I too witty, or not witty enough? Perhaps I shouldn’t have used the word love, even though it was disguised as loaf. But then I reminded myself that I was rejected by a sandwich.
- ….Feeling empowered from channeling Ms. Swift, I created an online dating profile. That was three years ago. Since then, I’ve been out with countless guys, had more than one date with some, but no more than five dates with any.
Granted, I’m not a great flirt.
My idea of flirty banter is sending someone the clue to a crossword I can’t solve. I have tried to play it cool, but that may come across as cold. I’ve tried being honest. The last guy I went out with asked me on a fourth date and then disappeared.
- ….Everyone says you have to be happy with yourself before you can find happiness with someone else. I find that notion extremely frustrating. I am happy enough: I have a good job, great friends and live in New York City. But I am not going to say the loneliness isn’t palpable, that I don’t wake up in the middle of the night in a state of panic, wondering if I am going to be alone for the rest of my life.
- This does not inspire the happiness that I am supposed to embody before I find a partner. Between panic attacks, I have continued to put myself out there, taking the advice that I often dole out to my single friends: “All it takes is one.”
- …First dates can be awkward; they’re basically job interviews with alcohol. In fact, one date seemed exactly like a job interview. I was out with a guy who works in advertising, as I do, and all he wanted to talk about was the cost of full-page ads in magazines.
- …At the same time, I also try hard to accept that it may never happen for me. I tell myself that I don’t need a partner to lead a happy and fulfilling life. Then one morning, I’m on the Q train, across from a cute couple who look hipsterish in a nonannoying, unironic wa
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That woman flirted with a sandwich. I was engaged to a man who (Link): thought I was a potted plant.