She changed his flat tire. He never called her again. Is this a case of a fragile male ego?

She changed his flat tire. He never called her again. Is this a case of a fragile male ego?

(Link): She changed his flat tire. He never called her again. Is this a case of a fragile male ego?

October 13, 2016

[Man and woman go on date; woman changes their flat tire]

“I figured if I can, why not do?” Ukpo said by phone of the date she first wrote about on the blog (Link): Madame Noire. “I don’t subscribe to this idea that because I’m a woman, I have to play this damsel in distress thing.”

It’s at this point in the story that Andrew Smiler, communications director at the Society for the Psychological Study of Men and Masculinity and the expert I called to discuss the fragility of the male ego, began chuckling.

He knew where the tale was headed — and why. Like me, he’s heard countless stories like Ukpo’s, where confident, well-intentioned women are trying to help, but a dating disaster ensues.

For clarity, I asked him, “What exactly is so funny?”

Smiler laughs again and explains: “We give people some really messed-up messages about gender roles. Even in the early 21st century, we have this supposedly egalitarian culture, and guys are taught that they should never show weakness or ignorance or inability to do a task. And in various ways they should ‘wear the pants’ in the relationship.”

This is probably what Ukpo’s date thought. She volunteered to change his tire so they wouldn’t have to wait. He didn’t believe she could, so he stood over her holding the light while she squatted and did what he thought was the impossible. He barely spoke to her the entire ride to her home, and she hasn’t heard from him since he dropped her off.

…When she asked her male friends what she did wrong, if anything, the answer was unanimous: She emasculated him.

In other words, the male ego — which Smiler defines as a shorthand for determining “whether or not a guy thinks he measures up or is masculine or macho enough — strikes again. Its pesky existence is the bane of a dating woman’s existence and the culprit of countless dating and relationship disasters.

Managing it is like walking through a minefield. One misstep, and BOOM! there went your potential for a relationship. The fear of encountering the male ego’s wrath results in the muting of opinionated women, helplessness in otherwise take-charge types and second-guessing among the otherwise confident.

Given that the ego issue is all in a guy’s head, it sounds like a problem that he should have to work out with himself, but unfortunately that duty often falls to the women in his life.

Why?

Andrea Syrtash, relationship expert and author of “He’s Just Not Your Type (And That’s a Good Thing),” says guys with fragile egos haven’t been properly socialized to manage themselves. “Men are conditioned to be strong, to not show vulnerability because it’s a sign of weakness, and not encouraged to share what they’re feeling or be communicative,” Syrtash explains. “The ‘fragile male ego‘ comes from being misunderstood.”

When encountering such an ego, she suggests that women in the early stages of a dating run for the hills to avoid it. But for those who have more time invested, she recommends countering it by building confidence.

….She advises guys to take a moment to check in with themselves. “If you’re feeling insecure, ask yourself, ‘Is she trying to belittle me? Is she disrespecting me? Or am I just a little embarrassed that I didn’t know how to do that?’ ” Syrtash says.

…Smiler, who is also the author of “Dating and Sex: A Guide for the 21st Century Teen Boy,” even suggests that men take it a step further and be honest about their shortcomings by flatly admitting to their partner that they feel embarrassed or insecure. This opens an opportunity for their partner to provide emotional support and build the relationship.


Related Posts:

(Link):  Love-Sick Teenager Who Won’t Take No For an Answer is Finally Shut Down by his Ex-Girlfriend’s FATHER in an Epic Text Exchange – Men of All Ages Need To Learn to Handle Rejection and to Respect Other People’s Boundaries in Dating

(Link): Young Single Women Try to Appear Less Ambitious To Attract A Mate – via WSJ

(Link):  ‘It’s Not Me, It’s You’: A Loser’s Guide to Dealing with Rejection by The Guyliner

(Link): Nice Guys: Scourge of the Single Woman

(Link):   Male Entitlement In Dating and In Marriage  – Single Christian Men Who Feel Entitled

(Link):  Dudes, Stop Putting Women in the Girlfriendzone

(Link):  Men Aren’t Entitled to Sex: Crybaby Guy Throws Racist Fit at Woman Who Politely Refuses to Hook up by R K Bussel

(Link):  ‘When Women Refuse’ Proves Violence Doesn’t Usually Come With a Misogynistic Manifesto

(Link):  Romantic Comedies: When Stalking Has a Happy Ending (from The Atlantic) / Men Who Mistake Platonic Friendliness For Flirting – So Annoying 

(Link):  This Is Why Being a Nice Guy Just Isn’t Enough by E. Tatum / Double Standards By The Anti-Celibacy Crowed About Friendships and Sexualization of Everything

(Link):  A Teen Boy Tried To Kill Three Women “In Revenge” Because He Was A Virgin – felt that women “were the weaker” breed

(Link):  Chris Harper Mercer (Oregon Gunman) Angry Over Being Single and A Virgin

(Link): Bitter, Frustrated 22 Year Old Male Virgin and Member of Men’s Rights / PUA Groups Kills Several Women Because He Couldn’t Get Dates – what an entitled sexist doof

(Link): Why Nice Guys Don’t Get Picked by Women (podcast)

(Link): It’s Okay To Call A Guy Creepy (article) / Little Sympathy for Ugly Single Guys

(Link): Nice Guys – the bitter single men who complain women don’t like nice men

(Link):  Follow up: Bitter Guy Replies to ‘It’s Okay To Call A Guy Creepy (article) / Little Sympathy for Ugly Single Guys’

(Link): When Adult Virginity and Adult Celibacy Are Viewed As Inconvenient or As Impediments

(Link): Testosterone-Deficient Gamma Male Whines About the ‘Friend Zone’ (post from The Other McCain) – AKA, Ugly, Fat, Weird, Awkward, or Poor Nice Guys Who Unrealistically Expect to Attract Rich, Pretty, Thin, Socially Normal Women

(Link):  Rise of the Feminist Tinder-Creep-Busting Web Vigilante (from The Atlantic – Re: Women Being Harassed on Dating Sites)

(Link): Celibate Shaming from an Anti- Slut Shaming Secular Feminist Site (Hypocrisy) Feminists Do Not Support All Choices

(Link): I Shouldn’t Need An Excuse To Be A Virgin – (Secular Editorial Defends Virginity – More Rare Than a Unicorn Sighting)

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One thought on “She changed his flat tire. He never called her again. Is this a case of a fragile male ego?”

  1. This reminds me of something that happened to me when I was 16. I was going to a Homecoming Dance with a boy who lived in another town on the other side of the Ohio county I was living in at the time. While he was driving the car on the highway, the cops pulled him over. Turned out he had forgotten to bring his license with him. Since I had my license with me, the police then directed that I be the one doing the driving (apparently having insurance while driving someone else’s car wasn’t an issue in Ohio in 1977?) At any rate, my mom was quite appalled when she found out. Never mind it was a police order. She chastised me on doing anything so “unfeminine” as to drive the car with the young man in the passenger seat! She was sure sure the guy would never call me again. Oh, me and the fellow went out a few more times until he tried to get me to sleep with him on New Year’s Eve at a party (with his parents downstairs and allegedly “supervising”) and I refused and insisted he take me home…intact! But maybe it was my fault because I was in the “driver’s seat” the whole time? LOL

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