Continue Being a Butthole Wife: Death is Not a Justification for Husbands To Be Entitled, Selfish, or Abusive Buttholes

Continue Being a Butthole Wife: Death is Not a Justification for Husbands To Be Entitled, Selfish, or Abusive Buttholes

I first saw this blog post featured on a Christian gender egalitarian site. It was later picked up by (Link): Stuff Christian Culture Likes group, here.

The blog post under question is this one:

(Link): Stop Being a Butthole Wife by Debbie Wilkins Baisden

Yes, that is the actual title. She apparently felt too shy to write “Asshole,” so it came out “Butthole.”

To the woman who wrote it: every one of us eventually dies. That does not give any of us an excuse to be mean, rude, selfish, entitled, irresponsible, or abusive while we’re alive.

Death does not absolve someone of whatever bad thing they did while alive.

I loved my mother more than any one in the world. She died several years ago. I still sometimes miss her terribly.

But her being gone does not change the fact that there was some flaws in her parenting. It’s not wrong for me to recognize her shortcomings or be angry or upset about them. Her being gone and dead does not mean I have to sit around excusing other people’s – living people’s – flaws, either.

I just finished writing a very long post about a week ago explaining to any dense men out there why their wives divorce them. Here is a link to that – and it sounds to me as though the author of the “Butthole Wife” post should read it too:

(Link):   The Selfish, Lazy Husband Who Kept Blowing Off His Stressed Wife to Go on World War 2 Reenactments – Male Entitlement in Relationships: Why Women Divorce Men – and Churches and Culture Support This Male Entitlement

Baisden mentions in her blog post about “playing possum” (pretending to be asleep) so as to avoid having sex with her spouse.

It’s not necessary for a woman to play-act, or be passive aggressive to avoid sex: all you have to do is communicate directly and tell him, should he make any sexual overtures: “I don’t want to.” End of story.

Only in Christianity do we see (and usually under gender complementarian teachings) women feeling or being taught as though it’s unladylike, improper, or unloving to communicate directly.

Baisden wrote on her blog:

“Marriage is designed to be a reflection of Christ’s love for His people.”

No, not really. Marriage is used as an analogy a time or two in the Bible to illustrate God’s relationship with Israel, but Christians make much too much out of the marriage example.

I am over 40, was engaged, but have never been married. A person does not have to be married or see a marriage to understand or reflect “Christ’s love for his people.” Also of note:

(Link):  It Doesn’t Take the Combination of Male and Female to Image God by S. O’Connor

All this marriage metaphor talk ends up marginalizing never-married adults such as myself – and I’m sure some widows and divorced folks (who are still single, who never remarried) may feel the same way.

Baisden wrote on her blog:

“How often I screwed that up with bickering and manipulating.”

Manipulation of your spouse is not necessary if you are communicating your wants, needs, and issues with the spouse directly.

Baisden said:

“Days after his funeral, I stared at our dirty clothes basket that sat atop our dryer, knowing his clothes were inside.  I sighed so deeply.   Before me was the last load of laundry I would ever wash for that sweet man.  There would be no more dirty socks to pick up around the house.   Ever.”

“….A week before I would have rolled my eyes at that basket.  But now, it held priceless treasures.  I waited weeks to wash those clothes.  My heart ached for dirty socks to once more be a part of my days.

Those messes dotted around the house are reminders of God’s gifts to us.   Like Jesus, we have the opportunity to demonstrate love by serving those we live with.  And the last time I checked, not a single person is perfect

—(end excerpt)—

I am a supporter of the notion of not taking your loved ones for granted while they are alive. I get that, but her lesson on how to conduct a relationship just does not follow. If you want a healthy relationship, you should actually avoid what she’s suggesting in her blog post.

When and if I ever marry, I am not going to make my choices based entirely on the knowledge that ‘Husband O Mine’ may be hit by a truck tomorrow and die. And ergo keep my mouth shut if something he is doing is bothering me, hurting my feelings, or frustrating me.

Because you know what? I played that game already. I played that game in my several year long relationship with my ex fiance. I kept mum, I bottled up all my anger and issues, and I ended up breaking up with my ex years ago.

One reason of a few I never got my needs met in that relationship with the ex and kept having to endure his selfishness and annoying habits is that I did not “bicker” with him.

I did not directly address my ex’s annoying habits and selfishness, because I was taught by my mother to be traditional wife material. I was taught it was sin, wrong, mean, selfish, un-Christ-like, unladylike for me to…

1. have needs

2. get my needs met

3. have boundaries

4. be assertive

5. communicate directly

I was taught (by my Christian parents and churches we went to) that it was godly, proper, loving, etc., to practice all the opposite traits as listed above in points 1 – 5.  A “traditional, godly” wife would stuff her own needs down, never expect to have them met, lack boundaries, be passive, and only drop hints and suggest opinions and disagreements.

So, for years and years, with my ex (and just about everyone else), I bottled up my anger. I did not speak up and say what I wanted. I did not speak up to let my ex know when he was upsetting me, treating me unfairly, and so on.

I just let my ex use me – and he did, mostly financially, but also a little emotionally. And all that ended up with me not being able to stand him any more. I broke up with him.

Baisden said:

“And God, the Lover of my soul, in His infinite mercy, later gave me a special gift.  He has allowed me to love again, to wear a second wedding dress, and to be a better wife…”

It sounds to me as though this woman is equating “being a better” wife with being codependent. Codependency isn’t going to produce a healthy, lasting, wonderful marriage.

Baisden said:

“My goal is to make him [her second husband] feel respected, important, valued.”

Well, you know, it’s not mutually exclusive. Your second husband can and should be going out of his way to make YOU feel respected, valued, etc, and if one aspect of that FOR YOU is having a man who picks up his own dirty socks, then your new husband should be picking up his own dirty socks and washing them. He can operate a washing machine, I promise you that.

I really hate it when women, Christian women in particular, write this material that is meant to pull at other women’s heart strings, to guilt them into behaving like submissive little sweet doormats.

I (Link): used to be a gender complementarian and am all too familiar with this shaming that goes on, where women are made to feel that their feelings and needs aren’t important, and certainly not when compared to what a husband wants and needs.

The author actually referred to her second husband’s dirty laundry – which he left on the floor – as “treasure.” Insert massive eye roll here.

She writes that her man (her second, new husband) ditches his laundry for people (i.e., to spend time with his family, meaning her and any kids they have I assume). Well, if you’re doing his dirty socks in the washing machine, YOU are not in the den spending ‘Quality Family Time With Your Second Man And Your Kids.’ Or does that not matter?

Most churches and denominations are heavily into “gender complementariaiism.” Under this teaching, one thing girls and women are taught is not only to “submit” to men, but to do so “joyfully.”

That is, it’s not enough to indoctrinate females to think they are to serve men as though they are maids, slaves, and chattel, but that they should ENJOY this status or situation. I would assume this is so because men don’t want to hear women complain about how sexist and unfair this arrangement and teaching is.

Most Christian women have been indoctrinated, since they were girls, to think it’s wrong, shameful, or selfish, for them to have needs of their own, to be treated fairly by a husband, and for the husband to be an adult and take care of domestic chores. Wives are taught it’s mean, cold, or selfish for them to expect even the bare minimum out of a husband (such as a husband trading off laundry duty with his wife).

This woman’s essay is just a perpetuation of all that, and it’s unnecessary. Her target audience, which I would assume is Christian wives, are already brain-washed into this mindset from their parents and churches. They don’t need a blog post about it – a blog post from another woman encouraging this mindset is very redundant.

I see that several of the people at her blog who left comments below it don’t get it. They are steeped in complementarian, sexist thinking. There is one sexist ass hat in the comments named “Attorney Guy” who really doesn’t get it.

He’s precisely the kind of guy who, if a girlfriend tells him the relationship is in trouble and if he doesn’t start helping to repair it, expresses total surprise when she finally dumps him – because he never lifted a finger to change. But then he’ll cry in his beer to all the dudes at the corner bar how he never saw the break-up coming at all. I wrote about guys like this in my (Link): previous post.

I was encouraged to see at least one man in the comments box get it:

No, I get the point. It’s part of grieving to wish the person was still here, to miss their quirks. But the author is referring to herself as a “butthole wife” for wishing her spouse would have acted like an adult, and that’s just wrong. You can have a good division of labor without someone going out of their way to regularly created extra work. That does not make someone a “butthole”.

Someone in the comments section, named “Last Redoubt,”  is arguing that the wife’s needs, time, or wants are not “more valid” than the husband’s.

What Last Redoubt misses: is that most of our culture – secular and church – deems what men do and want as being more important or worthwhile than what a women wants and needs. A man’s time is automatically deemed more worthy than a woman’s time.

What Last Redoubt also misses: A person picking up after him or herself, such as putting dirty socks in a hamper, is part of being an adult for either biological sex.

A wife should not be expected to do chores for a grown adult man (her husband) that he is capable of doing for himself, as though he were a toddler, especially if she has told him before she is tired of always doing this particular chore for him.

If a man is single or divorced, he’d be picking up his own damn dirty laundry anyhow.

A lot of this is based on sexism: a lot of male and female Christians still think a woman is only good for things like housework or baby-making. That stuff – taking care of kids and dusting dirty tables – is considered, by many Christians, as too lowly for a man to perform.

They mistakenly think God “specially designed” women to be mommies and house-wifeys, to love it (including things like washing dirty dishes), enjoy it and “be good at it.”

At any rate, it sounds to me that in her blog post, Baisden is encouraging women to fall into codependent relationship patterns out of misguided regrets that she was not nice enough to her deceased ex husband, who sounds like he was a selfish, immature butthole who deserves the criticism. Even if he is dead.


Related Posts:

(Link): Gender Complementarianism – A General Response – from a Former Gender Complementarian Who Is Still A Conservative

(Link):  Actor Supposedly Too Self-Absorbed to Get or Keep a Girlfriend

(Link):  Go to Counseling to Deal With that Man-Child You Married (Hax Column)

(Link):  The Selfish, Lazy Husband Who Kept Blowing Off His Stressed Wife to Go on World War 2 Reenactments – Male Entitlement in Relationships: Why Women Divorce Men – and Churches and Culture Support This Male Entitlement

(Link):  Why Don’t Some Men Realize A Relationship Is Over Until It’s Too Late? by N. Reilly

(Link): Why and How Romantic Relationships Stay Together or Fall Apart – “Science says lasting relationships come down to—you guessed it—kindness and generosity”

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