Death, Grief, Marriage, Single Again, Soul Sleep, Christianity, Obnoxious Male Fixation on Female Looks
I have several topics I’d like to address here. I’m going to discuss death, grief, dating, how men are too fixated on women’s looks, etc, and so on, all in the same post.
I learned from watching the Christian program “It is Written” today (Feb 2017) that the wife of Christian TV host Mike Tucker, Gayle, died. I’m not sure when the episode was first filmed or first aired.
You can read a transcript of that episode, “From Grief To Hope” (Link, off site): here.
You might be able to watch that very episode or one like it here: (Link, off site): Coping with Grief.
I see from an online obit that Gayle Tucker passed away in April 2016.
I am sorry for his loss.
I lost my mother, and it hurt a lot.
April 2016 – The prominent Adventist television personality dies after a brief struggle with pancreatic cancer.
(Link, off site): Beloved Christian TV Host, Couples’ Counselor Dead at 60
I learned a few years ago that the hosts and backers of “It Is Written” are SDAs (Seventh Day Adventists).
I also learned from a glance over google search results that Mike Tucker is a Seventh Day Adventist.
Part of SDA theology is something called “Soul Sleep,” a view that I totally disagree with and find discouraging and cruel.
Basically, what this view says, is that when a Christian dies, he or she stops existing completely.
Your dead loved one, this view teaches, will only be brought back to life at some point in the future (I think they teach it’s at the second coming of Jesus?) – so, if your loved one dies today, SDAs think he or she just stops existing altogether, that they rot in the ground until hundreds or thousands of years into the future.
My mother was a Christian (but not an SDA). She died years ago. I find the SDA idea that she is no-where in existence right now any where, in any form, to be horrifying, appalling, and highly discouraging. I am perplexed why any religious group thinks this Soul Sleep teaching is moral, good, right, or uplifting.
I also see zero biblical support for this Soul Sleep view, though I once saw a 7th Day Adventist host on a TV show quote a few Bible verses that he felt supports the view. I didn’t find his interpretation of the verses supplied convincing. The SDA dude also mocked NDE (Near Death) -type experiences, which I (Link): found annoying
Here are a few off-site pages about the topic of Soul Sleep:
(Link): What Is Soul Sleep?
I actually see the Bible teaching the opposite: if you believe in Jesus Christ and die, the moment you die you enter into the presence of God. You don’t stop existing when your body dies – your soul goes on into eternity, into Heaven with God.
I find that idea has more biblical support, and more importantly, it is far more comforting especially to those who are in grief. I get way more comfort knowing my mother is alive now in the presence of God than thinking she – her body – is just decaying in the ground (and her soul is presently no where) while I’m still alive here on Earth.
So, Soul Sleep is a disgusting teaching.
MIKE AND GAYLE TUCKER’S EPISODE ABOUT BEING SINGLE PAST THE AGE OF 35
This Mike Tucker guy and his wife Gayle used to host a Christian TV show. It is still some times shown in repeats on TBN. I used to watch it from time to time. They covered various topics. I cannot remember the name of the show.
I do remember one episode dealt with being single or single again past the age of 35 or 40.
That episode about singleness used to be hosted on the Tucker’s site years ago – if I could remember the site or the name of their show, I’d link you to that show. But I don’t remember what the name of their show was.
On today’s “It is Written” show, Tucker talked to the show’s host about grief and what happens to most people when they grieve.
I hope Tucker realizes how terrible and awful it’s going to be to be single again.
I’m an adult over the age of 40 who has never married, though I had wanted to marry. Christians tend to either ignore singles past the age of 30, or they mock and insult them for being single. You will not find support or community from the church or Christians in general when you are single (or are “single again”).
THE EPISODE ABOUT SINGLENESS WHERE THE MALE EXPERT WAS TOO FIXATED ON FEMALE BEAUTY
When Tucker had his own show cover the topic of singleness, I was somewhat appalled by some of his guests. He had two or three over-age 40 singles on his show who’d like to get married, and they discussed how hard it is to meet a compatible mate when you’re older and the problems they encountered in dating.
Tucker and his wife had two so-called dating or relationship experts on their show, a man and a woman (whose names I cannot recall).
The woman expert went in to problems that entrap older singles. She specifically mentioned how many males – even older Christian males – have unrealistic, too high standards in regards to finding a female mate.
She says many men – even older Christian ones – will accept only a woman who looks like a 20 year old air-brushed model off the cover of Sports Illustrated Swimsuit edition magazine and in the process, turn their noses up and reject many, many wonderful, beautiful smart women who are over the age of 30.
She says these same men will complain out the ying-yang about being single, single again, or never married, past the age of 35 or 40, but she points out they put themselves into this position.
They could be married by now if they – (say for instance, 50 year old, balding fat men) – would all stop insisting on marrying a 23 year old stick figure beauty model with a perfect figure.
So, she encouraged these men to be more realistic – if you’re a middle aged, balding, fatty (or just age 50 – even if you’re in good shape with lots of hair), you’re not going to win over, or land, a 22 year old fashion model.
You, men of the world, need to stop feeling entitled to a 23 year old fashion model.
She also seemed to be saying that this sort of worldly thinking permeates even churches and Christian men, who, above all, should stop fixating on outward beauty and look for other qualities in women, or be happy with marrying a “six” or “seven” or maybe even a “four,” rather than a “ten” (on a scale of 1 to 10, if we’re rating looks in that manner).
The thing that infuriated me is just moments after the woman relationship expert mentioned all this stuff, the male host (Mike Tucker) turned to the male host to ask his input about dating past age 35 and –
The idiot male expert host sat there and completely repudiated everything the woman expert host had just said!
The idiot male expert went on and on about how what a woman looks like is VERY, super important to men, so all men want a “ten” on their arms, in large part so other men won’t think they are “losers.”
That is, he says men judge other men in part on what their wife looks like.
(Note from me: Which is really F’cked up, warped way to view women, to view dating, and relationships. Why do you care if your male friends don’t think your girlfriend or wife is a hottie, so long as YOU find her attractive??? What are you, 15 years old and still into peer pressure?
And, by the way, if you’re that kind of guy, go see the movie ‘Shallow Hal,’ starring Jack Black as Hal. Read more about “Shallow Hal” (Link): here. That movie is usually shown on cable TV at least once a month.
I’m not saying you should date a 400 pound woman like Hal ends up with in the movie, but the point of the movie is be with the woman YOU find attractive (even if your male friends think she’s a dog) and look past her looks to love her for her inner qualities, not just her outer ones.)
Anyway, if I remember that segment correctly, Mike Tucker sort of smiled or nodded his head in agreement with the male relationship expert and didn’t challenge him on it.
I was dumb-founded.
The woman expert had just explained a moment before how sexist this male preoccupation with female beauty was, how unfair and unrealistic it was, and that these men were keeping themselves single by adhering to unrealistic standards (if they ever hoped to date or marry, they damn well better lower their expectations and demands!) – but the male host, Tucker, sat there and didn’t even challenge the male expert when the male just invalidated everything the woman dating exerpt HAD JUST SAID.
It was infuriating to watch.
DEATH AND GRIEF
Christians are TERRIBLE at consoling anyone who is in grief – but so too are many Non-Christians. I hold Christians to a higher standard here, though, because the Bible already tells Christians to “weep with those who weep” and to “carry one another’s burdens.”
Christians should know better than Non-Christians but don’t act much better.
Most Christians are unsympathetic after you lose a loved one and will not offer you any sort of practical or emotional support.
This was certainly my experience after my mother died, and I’ve read testimonies by Christians on other sites say that when their spouse, mother, or child died, they were not supported by other Christians, either.
In regards to my loss in particular, when ever I sought out other Christians for emotional comfort, or for encouragement (as books about grief and such by Christian psychiatrists advised me to do), or just someone to talk to about the death and how it was impacting me, I kept getting the same several reactions from Christians I went to (both family and non-family):
Some Christians ignored me, tried to “blow me off” (not return phone calls, or tell white lies to cut calls short, or ignore e-mails, or only offer very brief, shallow, vague, one- sentence replies to a heart-felt e-mail of mine);
Some Christians gave obnoxiously insensitive “cheerful” platitudes and cliches (sometimes amounting to Bible verses verbatim, such as Romans 8:28, which you can (Link): read here on Bible Gateway – I now DESPISE and HATE that Bible verse) quoted at me in a “chipper” tone of voice, which was totally inappropriate
Some Christians insensitively and rudely diminished my feelings and shamed and scolded me for sharing my pain with them by doing things like mentioning how other people in the world (such as impoverished African orphans, or homeless, alcoholic bums in the downtown area) have life worse than I do
Some Christians gave me unneeded, unwanted, unsolicited advice, aimed at getting me to “stuff down,” deny, or repress my pain – by telling me things like, “You need to get a new job, that will get your mind off it!,” or, “You should get a new hobby!,” or, “You should help others, like volunteer at a soup kitchen!”
I wouldn’t be surprised if Mike Tucker encounters any one of those reactions, or any combination of them, from people he goes to (especially from Christians), should he go to any, wanting to talk about the death of his wife, or receive empathy.
IF YOU’RE SINGLE AGAIN, YOU ARE PERSONA- NON- GRATA TO OTHER CHRISTIANS EVEN FORMER MARRIED COUPLE FRIENDS OF YOURS
Something else this guy should realize – and he may be shocked to find – how insensitive and cruel Christians are to un-married adults.
All his married friends are not going to care that he USED to be married, no. All they know now is he is SINGLE NOW.
And married couples find singles threatening and consider us as being “spare wheels,” so when they plan their stupid dinner parties, they won’t invite a single over, all because they find it odd or un-tidy to have an empty seat across from the single.
So, singles get ignored.
We singles are not befriended by married couples (or rarely).
Married couples treat single adults as though they have COOTIES and should be avoided.
This is true even if these are married couples who used to invite you over with your wife to their dinner dates or movie night out, when your wife was alive.
I have seen many letters over the years to “Dear Abby” and the like, from a married person who says,
“Dear Abby, now that my spouse is dead, all the married couples my spouse and me used to associate with and socialize with, have stopped calling me, and they won’t invite me to hang out any more. This hurts my feelings. I am so lonely. Why are they ostracizing me? I can’t help it if my spouse died. I still need companionship.”
For example, from an older post or two on my blog:
Maybe Mike Tucker’s friends are the exceptions, but if not, he’s going to find himself iced out of formerly friendly friendships with married couples that he and his wife Gayle used to hang with.
When it comes to stuff like this, married people are THE WORST.
Until their spouse dies or gets dementia at age 45 or 50 (which effectively leaves them single in a sense), then all the sudden, they realize how badly singles are treated by married couples, by churches, by society at large. Um-hmm. Yep. You’ve been warned on this blog a billion times over, goodness knows.
And there you have it.
Soul Sleep is an awful teaching that I cannot imagine anyone with a dead loved one finding any comfort in, many Christian men have unrealistic beauty standards in selecting dates (which keeps them single), churches ignore singles, married couples will drop you like a hot potato after your spouse dies, and churches and Christians are very insensitive towards anyone who is grieving.