Critique of Matt Chandler Sermon ‘Compromising a Godly Spouse Just to Get Married Yields ‘Heartbreak”

Critique of Matt Chandler Sermon ‘Compromising a Godly Spouse Just to Get Married Yields ‘Heartbreak”

 I would encourage anyone out there to take any dating or relationship advice from complementarian Matt Chandler with a huge, huge grain of salt, as I’ve written of here:

(Link):  Consider The Source: Christians Who Give Singles Dating Advice Also Regularly Coach Wives to Stay in Abusive Marriages

Chandler is head pastor at a church where he (and a few of his elders at his church) was going to discipline a woman for annulling her marriage to her husband for being a pedophile.

Off-site information on that:

(Link):  Mega-Church [run by Matt Chandler]: Stay With Your Kiddie-Porn Watching Husband or Face Discipline

I am personally not going to take dating or marital advice from some dude who thinks a woman should stay married to a pervert. -Which is what Chandler did.

About the only positive thing I can say about Chandler’s commentary about singleness, when he addresses the issue, is that he is supportive of (Christian) single women who desire marriage – he does acknowledge that too often Christians downplay this desire, or shame women for having it, or feed them platitudes (as if feeding a woman a platitude on this issue is going to help them – it is not).

Having said that, let’s take a look at this page from The Christian Post (I have more commentary below this long excerpt):

(Link):  Matt Chandler: Compromising a Godly Spouse Just to Get Married Yields ‘Heartbreak’ Feb 13, 2017 by W Showalter

Pastor Matt Chandler has some advice for young Christian singles on Valentine’s Day: Compromising a devout Christian spouse just for the sake of getting married will almost always result in more heartbreak.

But in truth, he continued, “what they’re saying is this guy comes to church a couple of times a month, but outside of attending a service, he doesn’t have a real seriousness about growing in his understanding of the Lord, growing in his understanding of the Bible, being a prayerful person, no vivication or mortification that can be spotted, and no one who really knows them enough to speak to the growth in their character.”

The problem is compounded by the issue of loneliness where it’s tempting to compromise and just get married, Chandler adds. Yet such a move can worsen the loneliness if the spouses are not on the same page spiritually.

“Unfortunately, a lot of godly women get to a place where they are tired of the ‘weirdness’ of Christian dating and the apathy from Christian men to actually pursue them. And it has led them to marry — I won’t even go as far as to say ‘lost guys’ — but what I will just call ‘neat Christian boys’ who go to church a couple of times a month and own a Bible,” Chandler said.

…Yet, it’s a grave mistake, he emphasizes, for pastors and Christian leaders to convey the message to struggling Christian singles, particularly women, to “find your contentment in Christ. Isn’t Christ enough for you?” because it amounts to throwing cold water on the desire for marriage.
–(end excerpts)–

This commentary above seems very similar to something I read by Chandler months ago, which makes me wonder if the above was a re-hash. Regardless.

There isn’t much new I can add to anything here, as I’ve beaten these topics to death a million times on this blog in the last few years.

The sad reality of the situation is if you are a “godly Christian” woman who desires marriage, you will HAVE TO put aside a desire or belief in “equally yoked” to get married to a “godly Christian man” if you want to be married, because no such creature exists –

Or on the off chance there is such a creature, if he does exist, he’s not in your city,  he’s already married to someone else, or, he’s 456 pounds, dumb as a box of rocks, is balding, missing most of his teeth and feels entitled to a 24 year old Sports Illustrated Swimsuit model (not the kind of guy you’d want to date or marry anyway).

Non-Christian men are not all pigs or horrible people.

(But nor am I saying all are great, trust-worthy guys, either. You must judge each guy on his own merits).

If you reject “equally yoked” and consider dating decent Non-Christian guys you widen your pool of dating prospects.

Trusting in Jesus or the Holy Spirit to send you a “Christian Mr. Right” is NOT going to work.

Nor will having faith, waiting, attending singles mixers at the local church.

I’m in my mid-40s, tried all that Christian stuff to get a spouse, and I am STILL single to this day. I’m far from alone in this, as there are women my age and older, who were Christian, who tried all the usual Christian advice, yet are still single.

I know if you are 15 or 20 years old and reading this, you are going to secretly think, “It didn’t work for YOU, but I just know the Lord will honor MY faith, and he’ll send me my spouse!,” but it won’t work for you. Don’t kid yourself. (I used to think like that too in my younger days.)

I used to be so trusting in God and his provision, and all those Bible verses that talk about God meeting your needs and desires and such – but it’s all a bunch of baloney.

BAR TOO HIGH

What Chandler was saying above is even MORE limiting for women, because he’s raising the bar so high, no woman will ever marry, even if she does meet a half-way decent single Christian guy.

Chandler is saying it’s NOT ENOUGH for the guy to be Christian and to attend church once every so often, but a woman must only consider marrying a guy who is ‘on fire’ for Jesus.

Chandler is apparently one of those guys who thinks women must hold out for the male version of Mother Teresa.

I kind of addressed that issue in an older post here:

(Link): Gender Complementarian Advice to Single Women Who Desire Marriage Will Keep Them Single Forever / Re: Choosing A Spiritual Leader

Unfortunately, most often, most women take the faith far more serious than do most men. Girls mature at a faster rate than boys, generally.

You, as a woman, are never, ever going to meet a single guy who is your equal or greater at your spiritual walk. Chandler is setting you up to fail before you even begin.

Are you going to believe Chandler, who is a man and who has been married for years, or a woman such as me who is actually living this stuff out?

All Chandler can do is offer up a few Bible passages via his faulty, imperfect interpretation, when what I am telling you is based on real lived experience. My lived experience trumps Chandler’s biblical interpretations.

If you rely on Chandler-like advice, you will find yourself single later in life, mark my words.

Guys such as Chandler also continue to over-look the demographics issue: single women out-number single males in conservative religious groups, which means there are not enough “godly Bible thumpers” out there for every chick who wants marriage to a Christian dude, see these pages:

(Link):  What Two Religions Tell Us About the Modern Dating Crisis (from TIME) (ie, Why Are Conservative Religious Women Not Marrying Even Though They Want to Be Married. Hint: It’s a Demographics Issue)

(Link):   How the Dating Scene Became Stacked Against Women – via CT, by Gina Dalfonzo

If you are an un-married single Christian woman, and you want to be married, trusting and praying to God for a suitable Christian match, and one who is a “godly” guy, is NOT going to work. Following the “equally yoked” teaching is going to keep you single much longer than you want.

HEARTBREAK

Chandler says that a Christian woman marrying a “lukewarm” Christian man or a Non-Christian can “end in heartbreak.”

If you marry a “great, godly Christian man” that can end in heartbreak, too – check all the examples in this post of godly Christian men that Chandler would have you marry, Christian men who turned out to be abusers, child rapists, and so on:

(Link): Marriage Does Not Make People More Godly, Mature, or Loving

But, I’ve read numerous online stories by Christian women who divorced their first husband, who was a Christian, because their first spouse was a cheater or abusive, and their second husband was an atheist, and these women said their atheist husband treated them much kinder than their former Christian husband!

You take risks in life, that’s how it works. If you choose to date or marry a Non-Christian guy, you may or may not be hurt and disappointed in or by him, but the SAME is true of self-professing Christian men!

The bottom line is, if you want marriage, you need to look past the guy’s religious beliefs (well for the most part – if a guy says he’s a fan of ISIS, an Islamic group that thinks it’s acceptable to rape and beat girls and women, run in the opposite direction).

But in general, the guy’s religious views don’t really matter, so long as you get along with the guy, you enjoy each other’s company, and he treats you well.

If you listen to the Matt Chandlers of the world, you’re more than likely going to end up or stay single.

I’m not saying that following my advice or someone else’s will guarantee you a marriage, either, but I think with my approach, your chances may at least increase.

If you’re holding out for “Mr. Baptist / Protestant Evangelical Christian” guy to marry, you will stay single ’til the day you die.


Related Posts:

(Link): Following the Usual Advice Won’t Get You Dates or Married – Even Celebrities Have A Hard Time

(Link): Responding to the Cliche’ Jesus Is All You Need 

(Link):   Article: My Savior My Spouse? – Is God or Jesus Your Husband Isaiah 54:5

(Link):  Depressing Testimony: “I Was A Stripper but Jesus Sent Me A Great Christian Husband”

(Link): Typical Incorrect Conservative Christian Assumption: If you want marriage bad enough, Mr. Right will magically appear

(Link):  Christians Advise Singles To Follow Certain Dating Advice But Then Shame, Criticize, or Punish Singles When That Advice Does Not Work

(Link): Gender Complementarian Advice to Single Women Who Desire Marriage Will Keep Them Single Forever / Re: Choosing A Spiritual Leader

(Link):  Women: Stop Asking Pat Robertson For Romantic Relationship Advice – Whether You Are Divorced or Single  – Pat Robertson Replies to Letter from Four Time Divorced Woman Who Wants to Know If God Will Send Her a Non-Abusive Husband

(Link): A Critique of – 10 Men Christian Women Should Never Marry by J. Lee Grady / And on Christians Marrying Non Christians -and- Unrealistic, Too Rigid Spouse Selection Lists by Christians

Link): Want To But Can’t – The One Christian Demographic Being Continually Ignored by Christians Re: Marriage

(Link): How Christian Teachings on Marriage/ Singleness/ Gender Roles/ Dating Are Keeping Christian Singles Single

(Link): Gender Complementarian Advice to Single Women Who Desire Marriage Will Keep Them Single Forever / Re: Choosing A Spiritual Leader

(Link): Does God Require Singles to Be Perfect Before He Will Send Them a Spouse

(Link):  The Death of Romance (How Christians Have Made Romantic Relationships and Marriage Into Idols) from CT

(Link):   The Selfish, Lazy Husband Who Kept Blowing Off His Stressed Wife to Go on World War 2 Reenactments – Male Entitlement in Relationships: Why Women Divorce Men – and Churches and Culture Support This Male Entitlement

(Link): Five Things Single Women Hate to Hear

(Link): Christian Single Women: Another Example of Why You Should Abandon the “Be Equally Yoked” Teaching: 21-Y-O Christianity Student, Children’s Minister Charged With Murdering Fiancée He Was to Wed in August; Made It Look Like Suicide

(Link): Lies The Church Tells Single Women (by Sue Bohlin)

(Link): Sick of Being Single / I Am So Sick and Tired of Being Single Alone Unmarried Lonely

(Link): Is Interfaith Marriage Always Wrong, Given that the Bible Teaches Us Not to Be ‘Unequally Yoked’?

(Link): Forget About Being ‘Equally Yoked’ – Article: ‘My Abusive ‘Christian’ Marriage’

(Link): The Nauseating Push by Evangelicals for Early Marriage

(Link): Stereotypes Against Singles Refuted Series: Married IFB Preacher Arrested for Being Serial Rapist – this is also an example of why Christian singles can safely ignore “Be Equally Yoked”

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7 thoughts on “Critique of Matt Chandler Sermon ‘Compromising a Godly Spouse Just to Get Married Yields ‘Heartbreak””

  1. The following post has been edited by me (the blog owner) at the request of kyungheelim, the commentator.

    To kyungheelim: let me know if my editing job below is okay, or if you’d like me to remove ALL your comments, or try to delete the entire post.
    I removed the more personal comments where you talked about your personal life, the people you met, etc – I hope that is okay. If not, let me know, and I can delete the whole thing or edit more.
    ———————————————
    [comments by kyungheelim]:

    You’re an excellent writer who is great at expressing herself .

    Can you delete my comment after reading it?

    [comments by kyungheelim removed at her request]

    You’re right , we’ll end up dying if we hold out for a man like that because he most likely doesn’t exist.

    [comments by kyungheelim removed at her request]

    ….I also browsed around on a website by Dannah Gresh (?) and her solution to Christian singles who want to be married but aren’t and want to be able to have sex is more prayer and more of God. She’s been married for a while now so it’s easy for her to dish out advice like that. I am careful which Christians I listen to or read now. Before I used to think anything that came out of their mouths were holy and right but I realize that much of the time, they are giving advice based on their own hangups or insecurity and a lot of times, it’s not based in reality that so many singles face. I’m sure the guy who wrote I kissed dating goodbye would still urge us older singles to wait to have sex until we’re married and to not marry anyone except a Christian no matter what. Sigh. They live in different realities than so many of us.

    Anyways, thanks for a blog that totally resonates with me. I particularly enjoyed your post about the 600 lb men children- hilarious ! “Mah leg!! Oh mah leg!!” LOL

    1. @ kyungheelim.

      I can edit your post to remove most of the comments, or I think I can delete the whole thing if you like.

      I hope it’s okay to quote from some of it, since you asked me a few questions.

      You mentioned Dannah Gresh. I’ve done a few blog posts about her, such as this one:
      Sexual Purity, Virginity, and Celibacy As Product – and: Christian Myths That Are Keeping Marriage Minded Single Women Single Courtesy Dannah Gresh

      You’re welcome for the blog. I am not claiming to have all the answers, (not about singleness, dating, and marriage), but I just notice the teachings in Christianity that aren’t working in these areas.

      The older I’m getting, I am just not seeing the sense in only hanging on to the idea of marrying only a Christian spouse (the Equally Yoked teaching).

      If I could find a caring, decent Non-Christian guy who treats me well, I’d be willing to marry him.

      I am so tired of these naive, and I think insensitive, responses that women such as yourself and me receive, that we should “just be happy in Jesus” and so on. I’d like to be married and have companionship – I don’t want to “be happy in Jesus.” Thanks, but no. (I mean, for years, I tried that, but it didn’t bring me contentment and happiness. I’ve kind of moved past that now.)

      I also don’t care about using my singleness to “bring glory to God.” (That’s another spiritual, empty cliche’ Christians will toss at you, usually the Neo-Calvinists.)

      I have a few blog posts of articles I’ve found by Christians who married Non-Christians, and they say they are happy being married to the Non-Christian.

      I’ve seen many posts in forums by Christian women who say they were married to a Christian man who was cruel or abusive, so they divorced and these women say they later re-married to an atheist, and they say the atheist acts more loving and “godly” than their first spouse who was Christian!

      Here is just one post of a few like that on my blog:
      I’m a Christian Married to an Atheist — Here’s How We Make It Work by S. Allen

      I have a series of posts on my blog with links to pages by different Christian authors who make ridiculous criteria lists for Christian singles. Not only do you have to marry another Christian, they say, but the person you marry has to be a “good spiritual leader,” lead you in prayer, lead you in Bible studies, etc, etc.

      I have a million posts like that on this blog such as (this is one for men):
      Married Female Christian Blogger Whose Mate Hunting Criteria is Guaranteed to Keep Marriage Minded Single Christian Men Single Perpetually

      And-
      Gender Complementarian Advice to Single Women Who Desire Marriage Will Keep Them Single Forever / Re: Choosing A Spiritual Leader

      By the way, there are Christians who do the opposite thing -instead of having TOO many dating criteria in picking a mate, they say you as a single woman should not have ANY standards and you should marry any jerk or idiot out there, even the ones who are porn addicts, because basically, God hates singles and prefers marriage.

      For example, this idiot thinks single Christian women should marry Christian porn addicts:
      Male Christian Researcher Mark Regnerus Believes Single Christian Women Should Marry Male Christian Porn Addicts – another Christian betrayal of sexual ethics and more evidence of Christians who do make an idol out of marriage

      You are welcome for the blog. I’m glad you get something out of it. I know that the vast majority of Christian writing out there, whether it’s blogs, magazines, or books, usually are insensitive towards older singles.

      Some of them write for singles, but their writing is too syrupy sweet about it and they minimize how disappointing or frustrated a person can feel to still be single when they had wanted to be married. I wrote about that here…
      The Cloying Annoying Nauseating G-Rated Wholesome Saccharin Sweet Tone of Articles by Christians For Christian Singles

      Most Christians have no idea what it’s like to be single over the age of 35 when you had expected and hoped to be married, because most of them married when they were 25 and are still married.

      There are singles like you and me who write books about singleness – but they sadly have given up on marriage for themselves, and they shame women like you and me who would still like to be married.

      They say in their books to just accept that you’re single and think about Jesus more, stop trying to get married, etc. I expect such negative nonsense from married Christians, can’t believe I am seeing that from older, never married singles. But it’s out there.

      1. [some comments removed from this post by blog moderator at request of the commentator]

        BTW, how often do you watch Pat Robertson? And do you plan on expanding your thoughts on his answers to the sexless marriage question?

        Thanks for reading my rant and keep your posts coming!!

        1. @ kyungheelim.
          I’ve edited your posts in this thread some more. I edited out most of the comments in your post right above and the one higher up the page.

          I’m not sure, but I think as a commentator you may have the ability to edit them yourself or delete them.

          Anyway. I watch Robertson’s show almost every day. His TV show is aired several times a day on two different channels. HIs show comes on in the morning, the afternoon, and evening.

          I watch Robertson’s “700 Club” show because I like some of the testimonies where people discuss how they were going through a hard time but made it through okay.

          I don’t have any plans to comment any more on Robertson’s advice about sexless marriages. I find it enough just to post such examples in the first place, because so many American Christians keep telling younger singles if they remain a virgin until marriage that they will have great sex once married.

          1. CP, I have watched Pat Robertson a few times and I cannot stomach much of him. So I’m not surprised at some of the answers you say he gives to some people , especially telling the women to stay married to douchebags that he himself wouldn’t stay married to if he were the woman in question.

            Like yourself, I have never felt the presence of God nor heard from him no matter how hard or sincerely I prayed. I believe he hears me but chooses to not really respond in any definitive way to where I know it was an answer meant for me. So sometimes things happen or don’t happen and I don’t know if this is his way of answering me. I really don’t know. Maybe silence itself is still supposed to be an answer? I hear you when you say it’s exhausting. I still believe in him and most nights I do pray and read a chapter of the Bible but these last two weeks have been particularly hellish dealing with underemployment and lack of money and so it’s been harder to keep it up because the despair is/has been taking its toll. It would be plenty sad enough that I am coping with loneliness from being single long term but to pile on job and money problems in top of that is testing my resolve and endurance to the limit.

            Anyway, I’m sorry you’re still in the same boat as am I. I don’t hold onto any hope that I’ll meet someone suitable through or at church so I am on one site but the pickings are certainly not at all appealing. I don’t expect Brad pitt but someone close to my age who I find decently attractive and where my interest might be returned if I like them. It is yet to happen but I don’t want to give up because the alternative is not something I can bear the thought of.

            Do you keep in touch with your sister whom you have written about a few times? Is she single, married?

            I know I keep saying it but you are such a great writer and you’re hilarious too.

            I should poke around WordPress to see how I could edit or delete. I am new to creating blogs and websites.

            1. @ Notsureyet
              Re your post of June 20, 2017 at 11:13 pm

              Thank you for the compliments about the blog.

              A week or two ago, I had a run-in with several fans of Stephanie Drury and her “Stuff Culture Christian Likes” Facebook group on this blog and on Twitter, and one of her fans made a point of telling me that I’m a terrible writer (I wrote about some of this in a post a week ago).

              I may be a terrible writer, but some people who have been to this blog have thanked me for writing, because they can relate to some of what I discuss. 🙂

              Anyway, I too am sorry for your situation, and I hope it turns around.

              I think I may have heard from God when I was younger (a time or two). If that was God, I have no idea why he’s no longer responding to me or guiding me.

              I have no clue why God seems to be ignoring my prayers. That’s when I bother to pray. I sometimes skip days where I don’t pray at all, since I never get answers to the prayers I do pray.

              You asked me,

              Do you keep in touch with your sister whom you have written about a few times? Is she single, married?

              I have minimal contact with my sister these days. I mainly only talk to her around Christmas, and I usually send her a birthday card.

              Other than that, I don’t have much contact with her and don’t really know what she’s up to.

              My sister broke up with her long time, live-in boyfriend a few years ago and started dating a new guy whose name I don’t know. I am not sure if she is still with the new guy, or if she broke up with him.

              I came to the sad conclusion and realization a few years ago that my sister never really wanted to have a relationship with me.

              I also had to accept the fact that she is a bully who has a very bad temper, and she is incapable of having a nice, loving relationship. For years, I lived in denial about all that stuff.

              I tried confronting my sister a few years ago about all this (for the first time in my life), but it only made her MORE angry.

              After I confronted her on her negative behavior and how I was tired of it, she also started justifying her bullying, hostile behavior towards me, rather than owning up to it and apologizing for it and turning over a new leaf.

              So, I had to let her go. I no longer try to be friends with her. I gave up.

              I wrote a long blog post a couple of years ago about an online friend I used to have who screamed at me and was very hateful before she dumped me as a friend a few years ago – that friend is very much like my sister, though I think my sister is probably the worse of the two.

              If you ever wonder what my sister is like, just find and read the really long blog post I wrote about that ex-friend of mine, if you are interested. That ex-friend is so very similar to my sister.

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