Being ‘Selfish’ in My Dating Was the Best Decision I Could Have Made by Zachary Zane

Being ‘Selfish’ in My Dating Was the Best Decision I Could Have Made by Z. Zane

Here is the link:

(Link): Being ‘Selfish’ in My Dating Was the Best Decision I Could Have Made by Zachary Zane (excerpts farther below)

This piece was written by a man, and he might be a homosexual, based on the stock photo illustrating it, which shows a man walking down the street and laughing with another man – after skimming more of the article, yes, he appears to be homosexual (he talks about dating men).

If this guy is homosexual, I can say as a hetero woman, I related to most of what he wrote.

I am a recovering codependent – and it sounds to me as though the guy who wrote this page, Zane, is also a codependent, or was one at one time.

Codependency usually seems to affect women, but some men can be codependent also.

A lot of stereotypes women are expected to live out and uphold by churches, Christians (under “gender complementarian” or “biblical womanhood” teachings), and secular culture, are actually facets of codependency, and some examples of that are: being passive, compliant, thinking it’s selfish to put yourself first and get your own needs met, and so forth.

If you continually put the needs of another person ahead of your own, you will grow resentful of it eventually, and either explode in anger at the other person or break things off (such as seeking a divorce).

But too often, women especially, get the message from society and churches that getting one’s own needs met is “selfish,” and selfish is the last thing a nice, sweet, caring or “godly” woman wants to appear as to others.

I’ve done blog posts on this topic before (or ones very similar), such as:

(Link):  Why Women Are Tired: The Price of Unpaid Emotional Labor by C. Hutchison 

(Link): From Psychiatrists and Counselors: How and Why Being a Beta Female is Harmful and Damaging to Women

(Link):  I Was A Potted Plant. Woman Writes To Ask Amy: Husband’s Incessant Monologue – Reminds Me Of My (Selfish) Ex Fiance

(Link): The Selfish, Lazy Husband Who Kept Blowing Off His Stressed Wife to Go on World War 2 Reenactments – Male Entitlement in Relationships: Why Women Divorce Men – and Churches and Culture Support This Male Entitlement

(Link):  Continue Being a Butthole Wife: Death is Not a Justification for Husbands To Be Entitled, Selfish, or Abusive Buttholes

(Link, off site, Google Books): Tweleve ‘Christian’ Beliefs That Can Drive You Crazy: Relief from False Assumptions

There is nothing selfish about you getting your own needs met in any relationship (whether it’s in dating, marriage, friendship or at the work place), and there is nothing selfish about having healthy boundaries, and refusing to allow others to take advantage of you or to disregard YOUR needs.

(Link): Being ‘Selfish’ in My Dating Was the Best Decision I Could Have Made by Zachary Zane (excerpts farther below)

Excerpts

[The author describes how he always put the needs of the person he was dating ahead of his own, was very giving and considerate to folks he was dating]

While all of this sounds hunky-dory and, arguably, romantic, this dynamic led to passionate flings that fizzled almost instantaneously. For a few months, I’d be that “caring” person.

I’d commute across town for new partners. I’d be available for phone calls when they had a bad day. I’d acquiesce, seeing the movie they’d want to see.

But then, about 14 weeks into dating, a trigger would go off. I’d receive a text that would be so minor, so silly.

Something like, “Hey, I’m getting hungry. Can you leave the gym early so we can grab dinner?”

I’d think to myself, eat a damn snack and let me work out in peace. Then, in a fit of testosterone-induced rage, I’d think to myself: This is too much work. This isn’t fair.

Then I’d break up with the person, completely blindsiding them.

So none of my relationships stuck, and the thought of going on another date sounded as appealing as sticking a needle in my eye. I was tired of getting excited, then acting selflessly, only to feel my “caring” actions were going unreciprocated. I know a relationship doesn’t evenly split 50/50 when it comes to providing comfort, support and sacrifices, but 20/80 doesn’t seem right, either. It’s also unsustainable.

I realized I needed to make changes. From the first date forward, I was going to focus on me. My needs. My convenience. I wasn’t always going to be the one who offers to travel to meet someone. Why should I have to wait an hour commuting on the T or pay the $20 Lyft ride each way?

…That’s when I realized I wasn’t being selfish. I was simply being upfront and honest about what I can offer and what I expect.

But I had a fear, after being so giving, of appearing as if I was only taking.

I didn’t want others to resent me the way that I had begun to resent them. Instead, I was surprised by how positively most people responded. Letting them know from the beginning that my main focus was on me wasn’t as selfish as it sounded.


Related Posts or Content:

(Link): Why and How Romantic Relationships Stay Together or Fall Apart – “Science says lasting relationships come down to—you guessed it—kindness and generosity”

(Link):  Why Women Are Tired: The Price of Unpaid Emotional Labor by C. Hutchison 

(Link): From Psychiatrists and Counselors: How and Why Being a Beta Female is Harmful and Damaging to Women

(Link):  I Was A Potted Plant. Woman Writes To Ask Amy: Husband’s Incessant Monologue – Reminds Me Of My (Selfish) Ex Fiance

(Link): The Selfish, Lazy Husband Who Kept Blowing Off His Stressed Wife to Go on World War 2 Reenactments – Male Entitlement in Relationships: Why Women Divorce Men – and Churches and Culture Support This Male Entitlement

(Link):  Continue Being a Butthole Wife: Death is Not a Justification for Husbands To Be Entitled, Selfish, or Abusive Buttholes

(Link, off site, Google Books): Tweleve ‘Christian’ Beliefs That Can Drive You Crazy: Relief from False Assumptions

(Link):  Why Don’t Some Men Realize A Relationship Is Over Until It’s Too Late? by N. Reilly

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