Craigslist Confessional: I’m in My 40s, Never Married, and a Virgin—but I’m Happy by Abigail

Craigslist confessional: I’m in my 40s, never married, and a virgin—but I’m happy by Abigail

(Link): Craigslist confessional: I’m in my 40s, never married, and a virgin—but I’m happy by Abigail

Excerpts

Abigail, 40s

I come from what’s considered a pretty small family in my community. My parents are both Holocaust survivors, but growing up, our neighborhood wasn’t just Orthodox Jewish families like mine.

A lot of my friends were Italian, so it was really easy to see the difference between how other kids were raised, and how we were being raised. I went to an all-girls school that had a double curriculum: morning classes were religious, and the afternoon classes were secular.

By the time I was 19, three quarters of my high school class was engaged. The typical age for marriage was in the early twenties, so I didn’t really feel too much pressure at the time. But in our community, you don’t have “boyfriends.” You look for husbands.

I decided to go to college instead, which is not unheard of, but not exactly very common, either. It’s part of tradition that men get married first, so I waited for my younger brother to get married. And then time just went on, and by my late twenties, and certainly into my thirties, I was considered leftover. And now I’m in my 40s, I’ve never been married, and I am still a virgin.

The men in my age group become strange. Either they’re religious bachelors who aren’t supposed to have had sex before marriage, and you can imagine what a 40-something year old virgin is like — they’re the mama’s boys, village idiots, criminals, or social misfits. Or they’re having sex behind the scenes, which is also problematic because then this person just doesn’t want to commit to marriage.

So the ideal, really, is men who are divorced and are looking for women who were also married before. There used to be a stigma to divorce because it was much less common then, but it’s become more accepted now. Even so, divorce is pretty taboo. The question always arises: what could have been so bad that this person sought a divorce? And whose fault was it?

…. At this point, I feel like I’ve failed. I’ve put so much energy, time, and effort into finding myself a partner. I don’t know why this is happening to me. I feel like a pathetic, nerdy loser with no social skills. And I’ve heard people say as much about me—they assume I’m gay, maladjusted, or picky.

I don’t see a realistic solution that would make me less lonely and depressed. I’ve been in love a number of times, but it’s never turned into a marriage. And I don’t have unrealistic expectations: I just want someone who’s my friend, someone I can have a normal conversation with and who shares my values. And it wouldn’t be awful if I were somewhat attracted to him.

(( click here to read the rest ))


Related Posts:

(Link): Myths About Never Married Adults Over Age 40

(Link):   What Two Religions Tell Us About the Modern Dating Crisis (from TIME) (ie, Why Are Conservative Religious Women Not Marrying Even Though They Want to Be Married. Hint: It’s a Demographics Issue) 

(Link):  Husband-Hunting is the Worst Part of a Christian Upbringing – Christianity Made Me Obsessed with Finding a Husband – by B. Ramos

(Link):   How the Dating Scene Became Stacked Against Women – via CT, by Gina Dalfonzo

(Link): The best age to marry is when you meet the right person – editorial responding to study that says if you marry past 30 your marriage is doomed

(Link):  How Sorry Do We Feel for the Lonesome Single Bachelors of New York? by T. Moore (never married men in their 40s talk about being tired of being single)

(Link): The Stupid Advice We Give To Single Women Over 40 (from the Current Conscience Blog)

(Link): First Time Marriage for Man and Woman Both Over Age 40

(Link):  Christians Advise Singles To Follow Certain Dating Advice But Then Shame, Criticize, or Punish Singles When That Advice Does Not Work

(Link): A Critique of – 10 Men Christian Women Should Never Marry by J. Lee Grady / And on Christians Marrying Non Christians -and- Unrealistic, Too Rigid Spouse Selection Lists by Christians

(Link): Does God Require Singles to Be Perfect Before He Will Send Them a Spouse

(Link): Otherhood – An overlooked demographic – the Childless and Childfree Women and Singles Especially Women Who Had Hoped to Marry and Have Kids But Never Met Mr. Right (links)

(Link): Salvation By Marriage Alone – The Over Emphasis Upon Marriage by Conservative Christians Evangelicals Southern Baptists 

(Link): This dad is glad he postponed fatherhood (commentary – first time father at age 40 or older)

(Link): Never-Married Men Over 40: Date-able or Debate-able?

(Link): Woman’s First Marriage at Age 40+

(Link):   What You Learn in Your 40s by P. Druckerman

(Link):  How to Date When You’re Almost Middle-Aged by A. Broadway

(Link):  Creepy, wrong, immature and pathetic: older men chasing after much younger women

(Link): Why It May Be Wiser For Women to Enter First Marriage At Age 40+ – especially ones from religious or conservative families

(Link): The advantages to getting engaged at age 37, by Patricia Beauchamp

(Link):  True Love Waits . . . and Waits . . . and Waits – editorial about delayed marriage and related issues

(Link): Please Owen Strachan, Tim Challies and Others: Stop Telling Adult Singles and Adult Virgins that their Singleness and Virginity is “For God’s Glory” – Just Stop 

(Link): Stop Telling Women Their Most Valuable Asset Is Their Youth (From Time)

(Link): Obnoxious, Condescending, Sexist Esquire Editorial by 50-Something Year Old Man, Tom Junod: “In Praise of 42 Year Old Women” – Condescendingly Reassures 40 Something Women He’d Sex Them Up

(Link): Typical Incorrect Conservative Christian Assumption: If you want marriage bad enough, Mr. Right will magically appear

(Link): Want To But Can’t – The One Christian Demographic Being Continually Ignored by Christians Re: Marriage

(Link): How Christian Teachings on Marriage/ Singleness/ Gender Roles/ Dating Are Keeping Christian Singles Single

(Link): Following the Usual Advice Won’t Get You Dates or Married – Even Celebrities Have A Hard Time

(Link):  Depressing Testimony: “I Was A Stripper but Jesus Sent Me A Great Christian Husband”

(Link):   Consider The Source: Christians Who Give Singles Dating Advice Also Regularly Coach Wives to Stay in Abusive Marriages

(Link): Five Things Single Women Hate to Hear

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