Obnoxious, Below- Average- Looking Dude Explains Why He Won’t Date “Hot Women” Any More
I almost forgot to post about this. I saw this story go through my Twitter feed a few days ago, and from there, a lot of people on other sites mocked this guy for his arrogant demeanor.
In all seriousness, the guy quoted is not that good-looking. In my opinion, he’s a little on the homely-looking side, but he seems to feel he’s a real hottie and that hot women find him hot.
I find it amusing that some of the people in this article (men and women) describe themselves as “nines or tens” but they look like “fives” to me (there are photos of some of the people interviewed on the page).
When it came to dating in New York as a 30-something executive in private equity, Dan Rochkind had no problem snagging the city’s most beautiful women.
“I could have [anyone] I wanted,” says Rochkind, now 40 and an Upper East Sider with a muscular build and a full head of hair. “I met some nice people, but realistically I went for the hottest girl you could find.”
He spent the better part of his 30s going on up to three dates a week, courting 20-something blond models, but eventually realized that dating the prettiest young things had its drawbacks — he found them flighty, selfish and vapid.
“Beautiful women who get a fair amount of attention get full of themselves,” he says. “Eventually, I was dreading getting dinner with them because they couldn’t carry a conversation.”
According to new research, Rochkind’s ideas about sexy bikini babes are correct. A multipart study from Harvard University, University of La Verne and Santa Clara University researchers (Link): found that beautiful people are more likely to be involved in unstable relationships.
In one part, the researchers looked at the top 20 actresses on IMDb and found that they tend to have rocky marriages. In another, women were asked to judge the attractiveness of 238 men based on their high school yearbook photos from 30 years ago. The men who were judged to be the best-looking had higher rates of divorce.
Looking to avoid such a fate, Rochkind started dating a woman who isn’t a bikini model, Carly Spindel, in January 2015. The two are now happily engaged.
The two met after Spindel’s mother, matchmaker Janis Spindel, scouted Rochkind at a gym.
“I gave him my card and said I have the perfect girl for him,” recalls Janis, founder of (Link): Serious Matchmaking, based in Midtown. “Successful men who are in shape have the pickings when it comes to dating, [but] eventually they want a woman of substance.”
Rochkind found that in Carly, 30, a lovely brunette who’s the vice president of her mother’s matchmaking company and a Syracuse University graduate. Rochkind proposed to her last May in Central Park. He loves that Carly isn’t like the swimsuit models he used to go for.
“[She] is a softer beauty, someone you can take home and cuddle with, and she’s very elegant,” Rochkind says. “And she’s 5-foot-2, so she can’t be a runway model, but I think she’s really beautiful and is prettier than anyone I’ve dated.”
Carly has no qualms about how her future husband views her compared with his exes.
“When men get to a certain age, they realize that it’s important to meet a life partner that they connect with,” she says. “Looks fade.”
Some great-looking people say they’re given a bad rap unfairly.
“When men see beautiful women, they are more concentrated on how she looks because they want to ‘have’ her, and so they don’t want to go deeper and get to know her,” says Isabell Giardini, a 22-year-old Italian beauty signed with Major Models. “And that’s why at the end of a date they wonder, ‘Oh that girl is so beautiful but so empty.’ That’s happened to me often.”
Various reactions from around the internet to the amount of arrogance by men who say they can “have any woman they want” and who “won’t date hot women” any more:
Rochkind’s comments and the story has been widely mocked and criticized as sexist on social media.
The general public, however, has not responded so kindly.
Blasphemy McFook said: “Memo to all narcissistic idiot jackoffs like this guy and narcissistic idiot swimsuit models alike: Please GF yourselves ASAP.”
Spydercharlotte wrote: “Another metro sexual intimidated by women. This mind set says more @ his insecurities and pass-agg hatred for women with whom he competes.”
(Link): Douche claims he “won’t date hot women anymore” in excellent hate-read – AV Club
From one person in the comments on AV Club
Lord, give me the confidence of a mediocre white man who thinks ANYONE cares about who he will or will not date.
What’s sad is that you this kind of guy all over dating apps. They fill their profiles with complaints about how awful they think women are. How shallow they are, how they end up being “secret fatties” (because lord knows not conforming to one dude’s personal beauty standards is a sin against all mankind), how they’re boring, the list goes on and on.
They REEK of bitterness and then wonder why no one bites.
Do they really think this is an attractive look? That people should just be wowed by their entitlement?
It’s too bad we can’t create a network of these dudes so all women can know to avoid them.
Anyway, so glad I’m out of that scene.
This guy’s column is spot on:
(Link): The Secret to Dating Incredibly Hot Women – by Dr. Nerdlove
Unfortunately “you make my penis smile” rarely works for long-term – or even short-term – commitments when it’s the only trait. It’s small wonder that Rochkind was unable to hold a conversation with any of his dinner dates.
The problem wasn’t that his dates were stupid; it’s that he spent too much time listening to his cock to actually listen to his dates. Because he wants the status that comes with being The One Who Dates Hot Women, he ignored other aspects – like their personality or interests.
…One of the problems with the “looks first, the rest… enh” outlook is that it’s responding to shallowness with more shallowness. The difference is that Rochkind et. al. spend their time blaming women for their shortcomings instead of examining their own.
Hotness is treated as a prize that they deserve for… well, being a guy, basically.
Everything afterwards is further rewarding them for being the master of the universe. They haven’t put much thought into just why they “deserve” someone hot. They complain about the shallowness, vapidity and self-absorption of hot women without examining themselves.
Similarly, they want to be given credit and awards for deigning to “date down” and suddenly discovering that women – even women who are merely very good looking – can be attractive and have substance.
Ignoring the fact that this discovery tends to come when Rochkind crossed from his mid-30s to his 40s, the problem here is that these women had always had substance… it was just that he and his peers never went looking for it.
….Dating hot women – and having women who’re hot want to date you – means that you have to not just appreciate their looks, but be willing to look deeper.
….If you want to just date a woman for her looks… well, hey, that’s a choice. But you have to own that lack of compatibility, not blame it on “Well, she’s hot so…”. Finding that women have depth isn’t something you get a cookie for; it’s part of the baseline for dating.
….Hot Women Aren’t Your Source of Validation
Part of what stands out about Rochkind and the others interviewed for this column is the screaming insecurity.
To Rochkind and others, having a model-gorgeous partner is less about their partner and far more about what it says about them. Rochkind wanted hot models because he wanted to be someone who could “get” models.
They want partners that make other people jealous. It’s understandable; it can be intoxicating to know that everyone wants somebody but only you get to have them. But that feeling is fleeting at best. The problem, as Rochkind, Young and others have found is that relying on the beauty of others to give them meaning is hollow at best. It’s a form of external validation – needing the approval of others for their own self esteem.
Because they lack faith in their own worth and look to others to validate them, they’re continually empty.
This should go without saying, but regardless of your gender, duh, it is possible to be both physically attractive as well as intelligent, successful, and literally any other trait that exists. “Women can be attractive AND smart,” Kelley Kitley, LCSW, tells Bustle. “Women with the whole package intimidate men — especially those who are insecure!”
Very interesting page:
(Link): Single and 40: Dealing with Disappointment by L. Bishop