Maryland Pastor Pushes Equally Yoked Doctrine – Which Only Promotes Unwanted Protracted Singleness

Maryland Pastor Pushes Equally Yoked Doctrine – Which Only Promotes Unwanted Protracted Singleness

This is a nauseating page by a pastor in Maryland, named Sean Nolan, for the “Desiring God” web site. (You can see the link below.)

I will comment more about this guy’s essay BELOW it. So please scroll down for some of my commentary – most of which you can already guess if you’ve been to my blog before and have seen my previous posts about this “Equally Yoked” stuff.

(Link): Letter to a Friend Engaged to a Nonbeliever by Sean Nolan

Excerpts from the page:

Dear Kelly,

I was surprised by the recent news of your engagement. While I wish I could celebrate with you without reservation, I admit I have some. My greatest concern is that your fianceé does not know or love Christ. Because I love you and care about your future, I feel compelled to speak now rather than to hold my peace, knowing full well how you might receive my “peace.”

…As I have watched people walk down this road, I have noticed several common ways people justify marrying a nonbeliever. I want to address them…

“Others Are Doing It.”

You know my story. My wife began dating me as an unbeliever. But as much as I love her and our marriage, it was wrong for her to do so. (…)

“He’s a Good Guy.” (…)

“Give Him a Chance.” (…)

“I’ll Die Alone.”

I know it can be hard to see other couples getting married, holding hands, and having kids while you remain single. Don’t let this serve as a reason to try and seize marriage at the first opportunity.

I wish you could see a glimpse of a future in which you remained faithful to your vows to a man who remained faithless toward your Savior. Worse than attending church alone your entire life, while your husband remained at home, is the haunting thought that the man you gave yourself to might spend eternity separated from you and God. Worse yet is the thought that he might lead you or your children down the same path (Matthew 7:13). It really is possible to be more isolated and alone within a marriage than without.

Marriage is no savior. It will not ultimately save anyone from sin or loneliness or unhappiness. It cannot bear the weight of those needs and longings.

While the single life is not without trials, remember you are not alone. So long as you cling to Jesus, he will be with you (Matthew 28:20). He will never leave you nor forsake you (Hebrews 13:5). He’s also given you community in the church. Even if your hope for a husband is never fulfilled in this life, you are promised a seat at the great wedding supper of the Lamb (Revelation 19:7), and he will far surpass everything you might have experienced with an earthly husband.

“I Already Said ‘Yes.’”

….I trust that, if you are willing to listen, the Holy Spirit will lead you into the truth that gaining a husband while forsaking your soul is a trade you do not want to make (Mark 8:36). I also pray that you would eventually see any wounds I have caused you as the faithful wounds of a friend (Proverbs 27:6), and not as those of an enemy. As you seek God’s will, hide yourself in him and his will, and wait with patience for the day he will wipe away every tear.

With love and grace,
Your Pastor

(end excerpts)

As a woman in her 40s who was engaged in her early 30s, dumped the guy, and who didn’t meet another suitable guy after that, and who is still single (I have never married), I call hog-wash on all this spiritualizing of singleness.

First off, there is nothing wrong with being single. I want to make that clear. As I say in a much older post on my blog:

(Link):   The Netherworld of Singleness for Some Singles – You Want Marriage But Don’t Want to Be Disrespected or Ignored for Being Single While You’re Single

However, I’m in my 40s now, and essays like the one by the good pastor fall totally flat and fizzle the older I get.

The appeals to biblical whatever – biblical values, concepts – don’t mean anything. So, this guy can quote Bible verses out the ying yang all day long, but it doesn’t mean anything to me.

Where the pastor says,

I know it can be hard to see other couples getting married, holding hands, and having kids while you remain single. Don’t let this serve as a reason to try and seize marriage at the first opportunity.

(end quote)

Who says anything about the “first opportunity”?

The funny thing is many people will say to a woman such as myself that the reason I’m still single is I must be “too picky” and need to “lower my standards.” We single ladies who are over age 35 get that constantly.

(Link):  Women Are Still Being Told To Lower Their Standards / Stupid Sh*t People Say to Singles by S. H. Weiss

The real problem here is that Christians keep pressuring Christian singles to marry only other Christians. They base this on a verse that says ‘do not be unequally yoked.’

Not only is there a man-shortage going on in the world of Baptists and conservative, evangelical Protestantism, and has been for years now – there are more female Christian singles than male ones – some of the male singles who this pastor would consider “godly” enough potential mates for some woman to marry end up being wife abusers, pedophiles, and god knows what else – a man being a Christian is not a guarantee of making a good mate.

I should know, I keep a running tab here:

(Link):  Marriage Does Not Make People More Loving Mature Godly Ethical Caring or Responsible (One Stop Thread)

That thread is chock full not only of generic married men who rape and abuse women and children, but also filled with “godly,” Christian men, some who worked as youth pastors, lead pastors, or worship team leaders, who were arrested for fondling children, wife beating, and other things.

Here’s a few examples (please keep reading – there is more commentary by me below this long list of links):

(Link):  Christian Husband Raped, Beat His Wife, Made Her Sign “Slave Contract” – Why Christian Single Women Should Not Date or Marry Christian Men

(Link):   Update on Christian Rapist Man Who Used Christian Mingle Site To Pick His Victims (he liked to discuss Jesus and the Bible with them before raping them – other details in update) Equally Yoked Teaching IS A FARCE

(Link): Married Preacher With Two Kids of His Own Accused of 37 Sex Acts With Two Kids – According to News Story, He Also Sexually Harassed Female Co-Worker

(Link):  Baptist Church Hires What They Knew Was a Convicted Child Rapist to Be Preacher (he is married and a father too) – the pervert then raped boys at the church, church then blamed boys for being raped

(Link):  Churches Used Adult Married Man Who Raped Teen as a Worship Team Member in their Church

(Link):   Christian Married Father (Promoted by His Christian Employer as being a Family Values Guy) Sexually Assaulted Boys at Christian Camp, Some During Bible Study, Say News Reports – And He Led Sexual Purity Classes for Kids 

(Link): Married Church Staffer Arrested for Secretly Filming Upskirt Videos of Girls, Women in Church Bathroom and While They Kneeled During Services – Equally Yoked is BUNK 

(Link):  Teen-Raping Texas Pastor Gets life in Prison After using the Bible to Justify Abusing Women – Equally Yoked is BUNK

There is no point in holding out for being “equally yoked” to a self-professing Christian guy when there are Non-Christian men out there who I’d be more compatible with personality-wise, and who would not abuse me.

I already determined a few years ago that my new criteria in marriage is to marry a man who treats me well, REGARDLESS of his professed beliefs.

This means, I would be just fine marrying an atheist, for example, so long as the guy treats me right and isn’t a dirt bag.

Will that guy burn in Hell for eternity? Yep. While I am adrift in the sea of doubt (see my “About” blog page), so that I am a quasi-Agnostic, so much as I believe in Jesus and the Bible, I do believe there is an afterlife, that there is a literal Hell, and that people who reject Christ go there when they die.

So, if I married an atheist, yes, I believe the guy would go to Hell when he dies. Which is pretty damned sad.

But that is no reason for me to pass up marriage to an atheist on this side of eternity and hence live out a form of Hell here on earth – staying single, when in fact I’d like to be having sex on a regular basis, and I’d like to have steady companionship. I’d rather be spooning on the couch with an atheist guy who loves me than laying on that couch watching television alone.

See also:
(Link):  I’m a Christian Married to an Atheist — Here’s How We Make It Work by S. Allen

(Link, off site):   Why “Marrying Unbelievers” Can Work by Frank Fredericks

By the way, pedophiles (adults who like to have sex with children) sometimes actively hunt for adult spouses at churches. Yes, it happens:

(Link):  Pedophiles Seeking Christian Wives in Churches – Another Reason to be Leery of the “Equally Yoked” Idea and Reconsider Church as a Place to Meet Singles

Sad to say, over at SSB (Spiritual Sounding Board blog), there is a thread about Christian women who married Christian men who turned out to be pedophiles.

One such lady was married to a Christian man for twenty years before she found out he was a pedophile.

Every other month or so, a brand new commentator, who found the SSB thread by way of a Google search about what to do if one discovers one’s spouse is a pedophile, will show up to the SSB blog to say,

“Me too! I married a church-going Christian man who I later found out was molesting our children (or our neighbor’s children)”.

Then there is Matt Chandler’s Village Church which was going to put a Christian woman under church discipline because she annulled her marriage to her Christian husband when she found out he was a pedophile! You can read more about that here:

(Link):   Megachurch: Stay With Your Kiddie Porn-Watching Husband—or Face ‘Discipline’ – May 2015

When missionary Karen Hinkey found out her husband was attracted to children, she tried to separate from him. Her church elders told her to knock it off and “submit” to their will.

(end quote)

Why would any intelligent, sane woman want to take dating or marriage advice from any group of Christians (this would include Nolan, anyone at the Desiring God site), or any gender complmentarian, when they teach women that women MUST stay married to pedophiles, or to abusive men?

(Link):   Consider The Source: Christians Who Give Singles Dating Advice Also Regularly Coach Wives to Stay in Abusive Marriages

(Link):  Some Christians Have Some Very Strange, Unsettling,  Creepy, or Authoritarian Ideas About Marriage, Divorce, or Mate Selection – and they think they should make your life choices for you

(Link):  Christian Married Couples Who Think Husbands Using Physical Force on Wives Is Acceptable and Christian Married Men Who Deny There is Such a Thing as Marital Rape

Nolan said,

It really is possible to be more isolated and alone within a marriage than without.

(end quote)

It’s also possible for doctrines such as “Equally Yoked” to needlessly keep single women alone and isolated (single) who’d like to marry. One reason of several I remain single into my 40s in spite of wanting marriage is precisely because I followed this stupid Christian ‘Equally Yoked’ teaching.

Pastor Sean Nolan wrote,

Marriage is no savior. It will not ultimately save anyone from sin or loneliness or unhappiness. It cannot bear the weight of those needs and longings.

(end quote)

Wait, wait, wait. The vast majority of Christians, especially conservative ones who believe in things such as “Gender Complementarianism,” and “Equally Yoked” – the very sorts who writes for the “Desiring God” site are the ones who make Christian women, especially younger ones, feel that their only purpose in life is to marry and have children.

Within conservative Christianity and gender complementarian Christianity, single Christian women are taught, or it’s implied, that they must, must, must get married.

Christians do NOT respect singles or the state of singleness (contra 1 Corinthians Chapter 7), and most Christians (the married ones, mind you, NOT the singles themselves, as Nolan teaches) have turned marriage (and the nuclear family) into a deity..

See, for instance:

(Link):  Salvation By Marriage Alone – The Over Emphasis Upon Marriage by Conservative Christians Evangelicals Southern Baptists 

(Link):   Single Adult Christian Pressured Into Marriage by Her Church – And Regrets It

(Link):  Preacher: ‘They Will Know We Are Christians By Our Hot SEX Lives’ – and once more, never-married celibate adults and their experiences, wisdom, and input are ignored

(Link):  Christian Blogger About Divorce, Pastor Andrew Webb, Thinks All To Most Mid-Life Never – Married or Single – Again Adults Are Mal-Adjusted, Ugly Losers Who Have Too Much Baggage

(Link):  Marriage is Not A Cure For Pedophilia, Making a Joke of Marriage: Christian Preacher Marries A Known Pedophile To Young Woman, Pedophile Then Apparently Molests His Own Biological Infant Son By That Woman

(Link):  Christian Patriarchalists and Gender Complementarians Sexualizing the Trinity and Insisting Sexual Activity is Necessary to Fully Know God (via Under Much Grace blog)

Christian culture, the very one that guys like Nolan participate in and promote, are the very same ones who make singles feel as though singleness is “second rate,” “second best,” and as though Christian singles are failing God or failing at life for being single – in large part because these sorts of Christians are constantly hyping marriage (and parenthood).

Christian single women get the message from most of gender complementarian Christian culture that their only godly or acceptable life choice or life style is to marry and have kids, and that it is “wrong” to remain single, go to college, or hold a secular career.

So I find it very rich that this married complementarian conservative Christian guy has the audacity to inform singles that there’s more to life than marriage, marriage won’t meet any and all needs, and so on and so forth. Because that is sure not the message guys like him and the rest of his community send the rest of the time in their other blog posts, pod casts, sermons, books, and magazine articles.

Nolan said,

While the single life is not without trials, remember you are not alone. So long as you cling to Jesus, he will be with you (Matthew 28:20). He will never leave you nor forsake you (Hebrews 13:5).

(end quote)

All of that is a variation on the theme we singles hear all the time, that “Jesus is your boyfriend,” or “The Lord is your husband,” and no, this brings a single woman zero comfort.

More on that here:

(Link):  Article: My Savior My Spouse? – Is God or Jesus Your Husband Isaiah 54:5

I would like to be canoodling with a real, living, flesh and blood man. Jesus does not fit the bill on that score, Rev. Nolan.

I’m no longer into this “pie in the sky” theology, which tells me to wait for the sweet by and by to get rewards. No thanks. I’m interested in getting my needs and wants met in the ‘here and now.’

Nolan said,

He’s also given you community in the church. Even if your hope for a husband is never fulfilled in this life, you are promised a seat at the great wedding supper of the Lamb (Revelation 19:7), and he will far surpass everything you might have experienced with an earthly husband.

(end quote)

No, no I’m afraid not.

One thing I’ve brought up on this blog a million times before is that although singles should be able to turn to a “church family” for companionship, it never works out that way because most churches are too busy focusing on the family. Churches are marriage and nuclear family obsessed.

Most programs, sermons, and social events are for married couples who have children. Singles, as a result, feel neglected, side-lined, unwanted, and ignored, so they leave church (check out the book “Quitting Church” by Julia Duin for more on that).

Churches are supposed to provide community to everyone, including adult singles, but they do not. Churches are only welcoming if you are married and have children.

Nolan’s editorial is just a rehash of ideas that other Christians like to trot out every so often – like this:

(Link): Critique of Matt Chandler Sermon ‘Compromising a Godly Spouse Just to Get Married Yields ‘Heartbreak”  

I am afraid that the only people Nolan’s editorial about singleness might possibly appeal to, or convince, are young 20-something singles who are very naive and  idealistic. I used to be like them.

I would’ve bought into all or most of Nolan’s editorial when I was younger. Now that I’m older, I realize his advice does not work and is largely bunk.

Nolan’s editorial didn’t do anything to change my mind – my view is still the same: I’ve dumped the “Equally Yoked” teaching. If I happen to meet a great guy, and he’s a Non-Christian, I’ll marry him.

If you are a Christian woman who would like to marry, you will have to ignore the Equally Yoked teaching. That is the reality – or you will find yourself single much longer than you had expected, wanted, or hoped.

Better dating advice:

(Link):   Decent Secular Relationship Advice: How to Pick Your Life Partner


Related Posts:

(Link): Responding to the Cliche’ Jesus Is All You Need

(Link): Critique of Matt Chandler Sermon ‘Compromising a Godly Spouse Just to Get Married Yields ‘Heartbreak”  

(Link):  Celibate Christian Woman Asks Christian Host Why God Will Not Send Her a Husband

(Link):  Churches Used Adult Married Man Who Raped Teen as a Worship Team Member in their Church

(Link):  Churches Would Rather Hear From Ex Porn Stars Than Adult Celibates or Virgins – Church Invites Ex Porn Star to be Guest Speaker

(Link):  Married Reformed Baptist Preacher Indicted On Multiple Child Sex Abuse Counts and His Reformed Buddies Are Ticked This is Being Discussed Online by Other Christians

(Link):  Christians Advise Singles To Follow Certain Dating Advice But Then Shame, Criticize, or Punish Singles When That Advice Does Not Work

(Link):  I’m a Christian Married to an Atheist — Here’s How We Make It Work by S. Allen

(Link):  Should Christian Women Marry Non Christian Men? (discussed at another blog)

(Link):  Lonely Sunday: Single Christians and the Church’s Opportunity by K. Becker

(Link): Forget About Being ‘Equally Yoked’ – Article: ‘My Abusive ‘Christian’ Marriage’

(Link): How Christian Teachings on Marriage/ Singleness/ Gender Roles/ Dating Are Keeping Christian Singles Single

(Link):  The Death of Romance (How Christians Have Made Romantic Relationships and Marriage Into Idols) from CT

(Link):  Are Single People the Lepers of Today’s Church? by Gina Dalfonzo

(Link):  “Who is my mother and who are my brothers?” – one of the most excellent Christian rebuttals I have seen against the Christian idolatry of marriage and natalism, and in support of adult singleness and celibacy – from CBE’s site

(Link):  Ever Notice That Christians Don’t Care About or Value Singleness, Unless Jesus Christ’s Singleness and Celibacy is Doubted or Called Into Question by Scholars?

(Link): Gender Complementarian Advice to Single Women Who Desire Marriage Will Keep Them Single Forever / Re: Choosing A Spiritual Leader

(Link): Christian ‘Married People’ Privilege – Most Marrieds Remain Amazingly Blinded to Christian Discrimination Against Singles Or Write Unmarrieds’ Concerns Off, As Though They Are Nothing Compared to Marriage/ Parenting.

(Link):  Redefining Family (How Christians Exclude, Marginalize Adult Singles) – post from Sojourner’s 

(Link): Single Christian Women Have No Protection according to some preachers – only married women have protection

(Link): Never Married Christians Over Age 35 who are childless Are More Ignored Than Divorced or Infertile People or Single Parents

(Link): The Obligatory, “Oh, but if you’re single you can still benefit from my marriage sermon” line

(Link): Christian TV Personality ( Jimmy Evans ) Says You Cannot Meet God’s Destiny For Your Life Without A Spouse 

(Link): Christian Gender Complementarian Group Teaching That There Will Be Marriage in Afterlife and That Women Must Submit To Males in Heaven (post at Spiritual Sounding Board)

(Link): List of Christian Singlehood Annoyances, Part 1

(Link): List of Christian Singlehood Annoyances, Part 2

(Link): How (Married) Christians and Christian Teachings About Dating/Marriage Are Keeping Single Christians Single Part 1

(Link):   Consider The Source: Christians Who Give Singles Dating Advice Also Regularly Coach Wives to Stay in Abusive Marriages

(Link): On Christians Marrying Non Christians -and- Unrealistic, Too Rigid Spouse Selection Lists by Christians

(Link):   Want To But Can’t – The One Christian Demographic Being Continually Ignored by Christians | Re: Marriage Not Happening for Hetero-sexual Christians Over the Age of 30

(Link): False Christian Teaching: “Only A Few Are Called to Singleness and Celibacy”

(Link): The Bible Does Not Teach Christians to “Focus On The Family” – The Idolization of Family by American Christians (article)

(Link):  Same Old Tired Advice to Christian Singles

(Link): The Bible Does Not Teach Christians to “Focus On The Family” – The Idolization of Family by American Christians (article)

(Link):  Are Marriage and Family A Woman’s Highest Calling? by Marcia Wolf – and other links that address the Christian fallacy that a woman’s most godly or only proper role is as wife and mother

(Link): Really, It’s Okay To Be Single – In order to protect marriage, we should be careful not to denigrate singleness – by Peter Chin

(Link): Another Obnoxious ‘Why You’re Not Married Yet‘ Article

(Link):  New-ish Christian Cliche’ About Singlehood: “Don’t Waste Your Singleness” -or- “Make the Most of Your Singleness”

(Link):  Singles Shaming at The Vintage church in Raleigh – Singlehood Shaming / Celibate and Virgin Shaming

(Link): Lies The Church Tells Single Women (by Sue Bohlin)

(Link): Pro Ball Player Convicted for Kid Diddling Three Kids Claims to be an Outstanding Christian (and he’s married with a kid of his own) – again, why should Christian single gals limit themselves to only marrying Christian men? The Whole “Being Yoked Equally” thing is irrelevant and unduly limiting for singles

(Link): Christian Ladies: Be Equally Yoked to Christian Men Who Like To Have Sex With Dogs! (Re: Jerald Hill news story)

(Link): Forget About Being Equally Yoked: “My Abusive Christian Marriage”

(Link): Isn’t It Time the Church Gave Singles a Break? (editorial from another blog)

(Link):  Is Marriage Overblown? from Jesus Creed Blog

(Link): Dating Jesus / Oh No I’m Single! (videos) – for single unmarried Christians

(Link):  Update on Christian Rapist Man Who Used Christian Mingle Site To Pick His Victims

(Link):  Depressing Testimony: “I Was A Stripper but Jesus Sent Me A Great Christian Husband”

(Link):  ‘Deadly Wives’ Reality TV Series – ‘Very Devoted Christian’ Woman Who Held Bible Studies Drowned Her Husband in a Pool of Hydrochloric Acid

(Link):  Pew for One: How Is the Church Responding to Growing Number of Singles?

(Link): ‘Why Are You Single’ Lists That Do Not Pathologize Singles by Bella DePaulo  

(Link):  Five Things Single Women Hate to Hear

(Link): Unmarried / Single People Are Supposedly Bitter & Have Too Much Baggage – and that’s why you’re still single they say

(Link):  Five Unhelpful Things Singles Are Tired Of Hearing by R. Duncan / Eight Things You Should Never Say To Your Single Friends by K. Wilkinson

(Link):  According to Pastor – Jimmy Evans – It Takes One Man and Woman Married To Equal A Whole – so where does that leave Christian singles ?

(Link):   Lonely People’s Brains Work Differently

(Link):   Why Lonely People Stay Lonely

(Link):   Sick of Being Single / Sick and Tired of Being Single Alone Unmarried Lonely

(Link):   The Biggest Threat To Middle-Aged Men: Loneliness

(Link):   When You Are Lonely In Your Marriage by K. Parsons

(Link):  Asking Too Much Of Marriage – Married People are Lonely

(Link):   Married Woman Says She’s Lonely Because Her Husband Works All The Time

(Link):   When You’re Married and Lonely by J. Slattery

(Link):   Settling Vs Being Lonely (letter to advice columnist)

(Link):   Why is it So Hard For Women to Make New Friends? by G. Kovanis

(Link):   Women Who Dump Women Friends As Soon As They Get A Spouse or Boyfriend (Letter to Advice Columnist)

(Link): Dear Abby: Teen Gets a Boyfriend, Snubs Her Old Pal 

(Link):  Do Married Couples Slight Their Family Members as Well as Their Friends? / “Greedy Marriages”

(Link): Are Christian Singles The New Second Class Christian? by Duke Taber

(Link): Do You Rate Your Family Too High? (Christians Who Idolize the Family) (article)

(Link):  Women: Stop Asking Pat Robertson For Romantic Relationship Advice – Whether You Are Divorced or Single  – Pat Robertson Replies to Letter from Four Time Divorced Woman Who Wants to Know If God Will Send Her a Non-Abusive Husband

(Link): Does God Require Singles to Be Perfect Before He Will Send Them a Spouse

(Link): Typical Incorrect Conservative Christian Assumption: If you want marriage bad enough, Mr. Right will magically appear

(Link): Another Example of Why the Equally Yoked Teaching is A Joke for Single Christian Women : Baptist Preacher Arrested for Allegedly Fire Bombing Ex Girlfriend’s House While She Was In It

(Link): Obnoxious and Sexist Preacher Mark Driscoll Wants Christian Singles to Stay Single Indefinitely – And Even Though Unwanted, Prolonged Singleness has Been a Huge Issue For Christian Singles for A Couple Decades Now – Driscoll: ‘Christians should not marry pro choicers’

(Link): The Holy Spirit Sanctifies a Person Not A Spouse – Weekly Christian Marriage Advice Column Pokes Holes in Christian Stereotype that Marriage Automatically Sanctifies People

(Link):  Man Suspected Of Using Bible Study To Molest Children In His Home

(Link):  Let Us Prey: Big Trouble at First Baptist Church – article about sexual abuse in Baptist churches

(Link): Youth Pastor Molests Daughter, Lead Pastor Dedicates Children to Satan

(Link): Married Youth Pastor Father of Four Caught Raping and Molesting Several Little Boys claims the molesting kept the boys sexually pure and cures them of homosexuality

(Link): How Christians Have Failed on Teaching Maturity and Morality Vis A Vis Marriage / Parenthood – Used as Markers of Maturity Or Assumed to be Sanctifiers – Also: More Hypocrisy – Christians Teach You Need A Spouse to Be Purified, But Also Teach God Won’t Send You a Spouse Until You Become Purified

(Link): Think The “Billy Graham Rule” Would Have Saved Tullian? Think Again… (Billy Graham rule has all Christians treating single adult women as though they are harlots who cannot be trusted)

(Link):   Idiot Assumes His 44 Year Old Sister Is A Lesbian Because She’s Never Been Married

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