She Married a Christian Psychopath She Met Via a Dating Site
There are times I am reading articles, not intending to make any blog posts here, but there’s something in the article that fits with this blog.
In this article, for example, which discusses how experts can spot psychopathy in children as young as age 3, there is a story about a psychopath named Carl.
(The link to the article that mentions the psychopath named Carl is much farther down the page. I wanted to talk about it first before linking to the page.)
The article says that as Carl gets older – around his 20s, I think – he becomes a Christian, meets a woman on a dating site, marries her, has a son with her, and has a few affairs on her, and later gets arrested.
I don’t think the wife in the story realized that the guy she was marrying was a psychopath, not at first.
Using dating sites can be scary – I’ve featured several articles on my blog of women who met men on dating sites who later raped, robbed, or murdered those women. (Sometimes, though not as often, some women use dating sites to rob or kill men.)
Next up, I don’t see the point in Christians promoting the “Equally Yoked” teaching any longer.
I know I have no desire to marry a guy who has been diagnosed to be a psychopath, and who will have affair after affair on me.
A guy who says he’s a Christian or who goes to church regularly is not any better than a guy who is not a Christian or who doesn’t go to church.
In my younger slightly more naive days, I know I likely would’ve given a man such as Carl more benefit of the doubt, had I seen him on a dating site and he proclaimed himself to be a Christian.
I now realize a man saying he’s a Christian doesn’t indicate much of anything. A man who says he’s a Christian can be a rapist, serial killer, or serial adulterer.
Also, I totally deplore and loathe animal abusers, and this Carl guy killed his sister’s pet hamster when they were kids, and he would swing the family cat around by the tail and let the cat hit a wall.
There are actually Christians out there, who, aside from pushing “equally yoked” down the throats of singles, would expect the poor woman in this news story to remain with Carl the psychopath, because they think divorce is a sin.
This guy, who is an actual, honest to God psychopath and animal killer, says he believes in Jesus, he still goes to church, he reads his Bible – but he also has affairs on his wife, has slapped her, etc – there is no way in hell I’d want to marry this guy or any man like him. Had I been in the woman’s position in this story, the moment I found out he was psycho or bringing other women home for sex, I would dump him immediately.
And there is no guilt or shaming trip or Bible verse quoted at me that would dupe me into staying married to a guy like this for even one second longer!
Stories like this also go to show you have to judge a man by his character, not his religious profession. There might be Non-Christian men out there who would treat the woman in this story better than this Christian guy.
I just cannot get past the fact that there are Christians out there who keep advocating for views such as “equally yoked” or “all divorce is sin no matter what, you have to stay married to the guy, even if he’s a serial cheater and psycho” even in the face of news reports such as this one.
No, single Christian women should not have to marry only other Christians.
No, Christian women should not stay married to violent, cheating, or mentally disturbed men.
(Link): When Your Child Is a Psychopath by B B Hagerty, June 2017
But sometimes graduates write or call to share their progress, and among these correspondents, Carl, now 37, stands out.
Carl (not his real name) emailed a thankful note to Van Rybroek in 2013. Aside from one assault conviction after he left Mendota, he had stayed out of trouble for a decade and opened his own business—a funeral home near Los Angeles.
His success was especially significant because he was one of the harder cases, a boy from a good home who seemed wired for violence.
Carl was born in a small town in Wisconsin. The middle child of a computer programmer and a special-education teacher, “he came out angry,” his father recalls during a phone conversation.
His acts of violence started small—hitting a classmate in kindergarten—but quickly escalated: ripping the head off his favorite teddy bear, slashing the tires on the family car, starting fires, killing his sister’s hamster.
His sister remembers Carl, when he was about 8, swinging their cat in circles by its tail, faster and faster, and then letting go. “And you hear her hit the wall.” Carl just laughed.
Looking back, even Carl is puzzled by the rage that coursed through him as a child. “I remember when I bit my mom really hard, and she was bleeding and crying. I remember feeling so happy, so overjoyed—completely fulfilled and satisfied,” he tells me on the phone. “It wasn’t like someone kicked me in the face and I was trying to get him back. It was more like a weird, hard-to-explain feeling of hatred.”
His behavior confused and eventually terrified his parents. “It just got worse and worse as he got bigger,” his father tells me.
By the time Carl arrived at Mendota Juvenile Treatment Center in November 1995, at age 15, he had been placed in a psychiatric hospital, a group home, foster care, or a juvenile-corrections center about a dozen times. His police record listed 18 charges, including armed burglary…
On an assessment called the Youth Psychopathy Checklist, he scored 38 out of a possible 40—five points higher than the average for Mendota boys, who were among the most dangerous young men in Wisconsin.
Carl had a rocky start at Mendota: weeks of abusing staff, smearing feces around his cell, yelling all night, refusing to shower, and spending much of the time locked in his room, not allowed to mix with the other kids. Slowly, though, his psychology began to shift.
Here is where things are very pertinent for this blog’s purposes:
Carl wasn’t exactly in the clear. After two stints at Mendota, he was released just before his 18th birthday, got married, and at age 20 was arrested for beating up a police officer.
In prison, he wrote a suicide note, fashioned a makeshift noose, and was put on suicide watch in solitary confinement.
While there, he began reading the Bible and fasting, and one day, he says, “something very powerful shifted.” He began to believe in God. Carl acknowledges that his lifestyle falls far short of the Christian ideal. But he still attends church every week, and he credits Mendota with paving the way for his conversion.
By the time he was released, in 2003, his marriage had dissolved, and he moved away from Wisconsin, eventually settling in California, where he opened his funeral home.
…Of course, his profession [funeral home owner] also requires empathy. Carl says that he had to train himself to show empathy for his grieving clients, but that it now comes naturally.
And things start getting even more relevant for my purposes here:
After talking with Carl, I begin to see him as a remarkable success story. “Without [Mendota] and Jesus,” he tells me, “I would have been a Manson-, Bundy-, Dahmer-, or Berkowitz-type of criminal.”
Sure, his fascination with the morbid is a little creepy. Yet here he is, now remarried, the father of a 1-year-old son he adores, with a flourishing business. After our phone interview, I decide to meet him in person. I want to witness his redemption for myself.
The night before I’m scheduled to fly to Los Angeles, I receive a frantic email from Carl’s wife. Carl is in police custody. He considers himself polyamorous, and had invited one of his girlfriends over to their apartment. They were playing with the baby when his wife returned.
She was furious, and grabbed their son. Carl responded by pulling her hair, snatching the baby out of her arms, and taking her phone to prevent her from calling the police. She called from a neighbor’s house instead. (Carl says he grabbed the baby to protect him.) Three misdemeanor charges—spousal battery, abandonment and neglect of a child, and intimidation of a witness—and the psychopath who made good is now in jail.
I go to Los Angeles anyway, in the naive hope that Carl will be released on bail at his hearing the next day. A few minutes before 8:30 a.m., his wife and I meet at the courthouse and begin the long wait. She is 12 years Carl’s junior, a compact woman with long black hair and a weariness that ebbs only when she gazes at her son.
She met Carl on OkCupid two years ago while visiting L.A. and—after a romance of just a few months—moved to California to marry him.
Now she sits outside the courtroom, one eye on her son, fielding calls from clients of the funeral home and wondering whether she can make bail.
“I’m so sick of the drama,” she says, as the phone rings again.
Carl is a tough man to be married to. His wife says he’s funny and charming and a good listener, but he sometimes loses interest in the funeral business, leaving most of the work to her.
He brings other women home for sex, even when she’s there. And while he’s never seriously beaten her up, he has slapped her.
“He would say sorry, but I don’t know if he was upset or not,” she tells me.
…Carl calls me the day after his release. “I really shouldn’t have a girlfriend and a wife,” he says, in what seems an uncharacteristic display of remorse.
So, this guy calls himself a Christian but slaps his wife and commits serial adultery – the Bible and the Jesus he claims he follows is OPPOSED to such behavior. The Bible does not condone wife abuse or adultery.
This guy says he goes to church, reads his Bible – honestly, I want all the pro-Equally Yoked advocates out there to justify this to me.
I’d rather be married to a sane, rational, non-violence, faithful atheist guy than some guy who fancies himself a Christian but who would slap me around, who had abused animals in his past for kicks and giggles, and who lacks remorse or empathy.
The “equally yoked” teaching has to go, in regards to marriage.
(Link): The Selfish, Lazy Husband Who Kept Blowing Off His Stressed Wife to Go on World War 2 Reenactments – Male Entitlement in Relationships: Why Women Divorce Men – and Churches and Culture Support This Male Entitlement
(Link): Update on Christian Rapist Man Who Used Christian Mingle Site To Pick His Victims (he liked to discuss Jesus and the Bible with them before raping them – other details in update) Equally Yoked Teaching IS A FARCE
(Link): Pastor charged in wife’s murder was headed to Europe to marry boyfriend, prosecutor says – Single Xtian Ladies: Kick that Be Equally Yoked Teaching to the Curb! Also: Marriage and Parenthood do not make people more godly or mature or loving or ethical