When Your Husband Doesn’t Care About Your Sexual Desires by S. Gregoire
This belies the usual Christian commentary that if a person just reserves sex for marriage, that the marriage will be great, frequent, etc. The truth is I regularly see letters to editors by married women who are dissatisfied with their husband’s sexual performance in the bedroom. Another example:
(Link): When Your Husband Doesn’t Care About Your Sexual Desires by S. Gregoire
What do you do if your husband isn’t interested in hearing your sexual fantasies or desires–let alone acting on them?
…In a healthy marriage, spouses care about the other person’s pleasure and desires.
…When we make sex only about one person’s experience, though, then we’re totally erasing what God said sex was for. Sex is not just about meeting a man’s sexual needs; sex is about helping both of you feel super close.
So why do so many people seem to only focus on their own sexual needs?
Some people think that their experience of sex is the only right one
It may not be that they’re entirely selfish. It may honestly be that they don’t understand how their spouse works sexually.
You see, we grow up with the idea that “sex”=”intercourse”. Intercourse is the main event. And intercourse is the way that everyone is supposed to feel sexual pleasure. So if my wife isn’t getting pleasure, that’s really not my fault. It’s that she isn’t trying hard enough/isn’t in the mood enough/isn’t quite right sexually.
Foreplay is seen as optional, because most guys just don’t need it to get aroused. And people tend to believe their own experiences are the “right” ones. What we feel must be what other people feel, too. And if they don’t feel it, then they should. So if we get sexual pleasure from intercourse alone, so should they. That’s the way we’re made (they don’t really understand that women aren’t made the same way).
…To not care about your spouse’s sexual pleasure is sinful.
…I hope that this situation is something that’s fixed just by explaining a bit more about women’s sexual experience.
In some cases, though, it isn’t. Some people are just plain selfish in bed.
And let’s be honest: 95% of the time that this occurs it’s the husband who doesn’t care whether the wife climaxes, and not the other way around.
…I believe that the root of this problem comes from how our society and church talk about sex
We tend to portray men’s sexual desire as the “right” one. We portray intercourse as being the main event. We talk in churches about how men have sexual needs that need to be met, but we rarely talk about how women have sexual needs, too (and when we do talk about her needs, we usually frame it in terms of “she needs emotional connection”).
So if men grow up hearing all about how in marriage they’ll get their sexual needs met, then they may not realize that they have an obligation as well to meet her needs.
…The verses say that we should not deprive each other. And if your husband is using you selfishly, as if you are a sex toy, with no concern for your pleasure, then he is depriving you. He is sinning, and we are not to enable sin. Maybe that sin comes from a place of shame rather than selfishness, but either way, it does need to be confronted.
The verses “do not deprive” should never be used to tell a wife that she must have sex with a selfish husband who does not care about her needs. That is totally ignoring God’s design for mutuality and intimacy, which are the heart of sex, not just physical pleasure.
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