The Rhetoric of Singleness Blog
Warning: I discovered through further reading that the author of the blog is a complementarian. I disagree with complementarianism; more on that below.
Had I known from the start she is a complementarian, I may not have started composing this post. I am leery of pointing anyone to a complementarian resource, but here we are.
As of today, I see only a small number of posts on the The Rhetoric of Singleness blog, dating from April 2017, and this blog appears to be from a Christian perspective – but then, her blog does not display a list or pull down menu of all her posts.
Even though the blog looks to be on hiatus, I’ll link to it on the off chance the blogger resumes writing again.
The person behind this blog says she’s single, in her 30s, and has yet to marry but would like to.
(Link): The Rhetoric of Singleness Blog – main page
Some of the only posts I am seeing on this blog include:
(Link): Pursuing Marriage
In that “Pursuing Marriage” post, she says she is a believer in gender complementarianism.
For example, here’s part of what she writes:
So, what options does that leave me, a woman with a complementary view of gender roles, of pursuing marriage? I know for some women who see no options left to them there is a strong temptation to bitterness, resentment, and to denigrate our single brothers who are called by God to the leadership role in the pursuit of marriage.
// end excerpt
Oh no. I (Link): used to be a complementarian myself but ditched it by my mid 30s.
I heard all the same stuff from conservative Christians growing up, as this other blogger likely did, such as, how (Link): men are supposed to be the heads in marriages, God supposedly created women pretty much to exist (Link): only to wait on men, and so on.
(And I remained a conservative, even after I realized that complementarianism is false and actually quite sexist – it doesn’t just teach that men and women “complement” one another but that there should be a male hierarchy, of men ruling over women.
Contrary to what complementarians would have you believe, abandoning gender complementarianism will not turn you into a left wing, abortion-supporting, man-hating feminist. I am still right wing, even after leaving complementarianism.)
I am no longer a complementarian, but can pin point complementarianism, among a few other things, as being (Link): one reason as to why I am in my 40s and never got married.
The blogger also wrote:
Instead, it leaves me with the option of trusting God who has given me all things.
…It also shapes my prayers. First, that if the Lord in His wisdom would have me marry that He will send a godly, confident, and courageous man to pursue me.
If she’s still holding out via prayer and faith (and / or upon her obedience or good character) for God to send her a Christian husband from among a pool of her (I think the term she used was) “Christian brothers,” she’s going to end up in her mid-40s, still being single, as I am, and being very disappointed.
Perhaps that Rhetoric of Singleness blogger believes if she just prays long and hard enough or has enough faith, God is going to send her Mr. Right.
Here is my response to that sort of thinking:
As well as:
I was a sweet, devout, godly Christian girl my entire life. For many years, I prayed to God to send the right guy to marry me, and I prayed and waited with an expectation that he would. But I am in my mid-40s and have never married.
I was a tom boy when younger, but pretty much a traditional, feminine, “June Cleaver” type of gal – the very sort complementarian Christians tell you that you “ought” to be – and none of that landed me a husband.
And in spite of all my faith, waiting, and prayers, God did not send me a spouse.
If this blogger lady wants to get married, she is going to likely have to divest herself of complementarianism, she will have to rid herself of the belief that if she just prays and has faith that God will send her a spouse, and she will need to rid herself of the “equally yoked” teaching and consider getting married to a compatible Non-Christian.
If she doesn’t get off her buns, try dating sites, keep trying to get out there and meet people (and I don’t mean just Christians, but also be willing to date and marry Non-Christians), or ask friends to fix her up on dates, I can pretty much tell you her future will be my current reality: still single in her 40s.
I sure as heck did not plan, want, or expect to end up being never-married into my 40s. It might happen to her too if she doesn’t change her strategy and views.
I hope that the Blogger lady is aware that even should she marry a Christian man one day, it does not mean he will be a great guy.
There are plenty of devout Christian women (even ones who believed in male headship, complementarianism), who found out after they married that their Christian husband was abusive or cheated on them.
See, for example, all these news stories about godly, Bible-reading, church- attending Christian men who married:
(Link): Ex-Church Usher Found Guilty of Hiring Hitman to Kill His Wife So He Can Pursue Kinky Sexual Lifestyle With His Mistress (the guy in this story is married AND is a parent)
(Link): Christian Married Father (Promoted by His Christian Employer as being a Family Values Guy) Sexually Assaulted Boys at Christian Camp, Some During Bible Study, Say News Reports – And He Led Sexual Purity Classes for Kids
(Link): Pro Ball Player Convicted for Kid Diddling Three Kids Claims to be an Outstanding Christian (and he’s married with a kid of his own) – again, why should Christian single gals limit themselves to only marrying Christian men? The Whole “Being Yoked Equally” thing is irrelevant and unduly limiting for singles
You can see many more such examples on (Link): this page of my blog.
From the Rhetoric of Singleness blog:
(Link): Delayed Marriage
…. Second, this conversation, in my opinion, tends to describe delayed marriage in such a way that it becomes classified as sinful while pursuing marriage is classified as sinless.
….The conversation surrounding delayed marriage has introduced two terms into the discourse that encourages Christians towards marriage, but which don’t hold the same encouragement for those who remain single and relationship-hopeful: “adulthood” and “not-yet-married”. Both these terms need to be better defined if they are to support and encourage conversations on singleness and marriage within the church.
…As a relationship-hopeful woman in my thirties, whose delayed marriage is not of my own choosing, my adulthood has not been delayed and I am not a second-class adult just because I am not married [as she quotes Southern Baptist Al Mohler as alluding].
Yes, adulthood is clearly marked by financial independence. And yes, adulthood can be defined by a “readiness for parenthood” (but I think that even this component of the definition may be overly simplified). But defining adulthood by marriage is too simplistic.
Regarding this comment:
Second, this conversation, in my opinion, tends to describe delayed marriage in such a way that it becomes classified as sinful while pursuing marriage is classified as sinless.
I have to disagree with her only slightly. I’ve seen both sides of this from conservative Christians.
While some Christians (such as anti-singles bigot and Southern Baptist Al Mohler) do indeed present adult singleness as being some kind of sin or disease, so that pursuing marriage is made out to be godly and preferred, there are other groups in Christianity that tell singles it is wrong, worldly, or selfish to pursue marriage.
This second group of Christians, the Singles Shamers, will act as impediments to Christian singles who want to marry and who make their desire for marriage known.
This group will tell singles things such as they are making an idol out of marriage, they should be content in their singleness and only then will God grant them a spouse, or that they should be happy being single and just consider (Link): God or Jesus to be their husband or boyfriend.
Singles might be shamed or rebuffed by this group with insensitive, presumptuous, rude comments such as,
“Who are you to think God “owes” you a spouse, just because you stayed a virgin or prayed and had faith for years he would send you one? You’re making God into a vending machine.”
So it is entirely true that there are Marriage Idolizing Christians out there who make singleness out to be “second rate” and to shame singles for being single, but-
It’s also true that there’s another facet of Christians out there who will shame singles who want to get married and who admit quite openly they want marriage, and they will shame singles who try to make marriage happen by using dating sites, or asking friends to set them up on dates, and so on.
Anyway, you may want to drop by that singles blog.
The author has not touched it since April of 2017, however.
(Link): “Who is my mother and who are my brothers?” – one of the most excellent Christian rebuttals I have seen against the Christian idolatry of marriage and natalism, and in support of adult singleness and celibacy – from CBE’s site
(Link): Women: Stop Asking Pat Robertson For Romantic Relationship Advice – Whether You Are Divorced or Single – Pat Robertson Replies to Letter from Four Time Divorced Woman Who Wants to Know If God Will Send Her a Non-Abusive Husband
(Link): Preacher Mark Driscoll Basically Says No, Single Christian Males Cannot or Should Not Serve as Preachers / in Leadership Positions – Attempts to Justify Unbiblical, Anti Singleness Christian Bias