Dr. David Ley, author of Insatiable Wives: Women Who Stray and the Men Who Love Them, tells Romper, “I take the tact that it’s incredibly important for people in a marriage to have shared sexual values, levels of desire, or the ability to negotiate this within the relationship. Things are fine when both partners have similar sexual interests and the frequency of sex meets both their desire, but, when that changes, or there’s a discrepancy, most couples don’t know how to negotiate or manage it.”
If you and your spouse have different views of sex and how it relates to marriage, it matters. This can definitely bleed into other areas of your life if you feel unfulfilled or even unwanted by your partner. It’s gutting to your self esteem and difficult to recover from.
…According to Ley, there are road blocks in every marriage, even disagreements about sex, and they’re impossible to avoid. Unlike your husband discarding his socks in the living room, feeling unfulfilled sexually has vastly different meanings for people than the quotidian chores of living with another person.
He notes that sexuality, proclivities, and desires need to be discussed as much out of the bedroom as in it, because when you’re aroused, your perceptions change, and you’re not thinking as clearly as you typically would. You can’t discuss things like relationship boundaries and needs in the heat of the moment. You need to be able to come to an accord outside of the bedroom that’s agreeable to both parties.
…So exactly how important is sex in a marriage? “It’s as much about individual needs as it is about being a couple. As long as you’re both content and have a strong, intimate bond, you’re doing it right,” Greenblatt says.